


IF THERE WAS JUST ONE

by dharmadown



Category: Tegan and Sara (Band), sara quin - Fandom, tegan quin - Fandom
Genre: F/F, F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2018-03-23 07:08:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 121,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3759049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dharmadown/pseuds/dharmadown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tegan and Sara falls for the same girl, and challenges their bond as sisters.<br/>*no quincest, just pure sisterly love (and sibling rivalry)*<br/>Story told from the girl's and Sara's POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Downtown

**Author's Note:**

> This is an old fic that I started in 2013 from tnsfic.com, but the website got closed so I'm transferring it here. :) *there's a new site that fans made for tns fanfics but It's also still in beta and I'm having a hard time navigating so..*

When you lose communication with a friend, or anyone you’ve had a special connection with during your younger years, two things are bound to happen; either you completely lose them for good, or you reconnect with them, only to figure out that you’ve missed so much good memories.

 

When I’ve decided to move away, and by away, I mean almost 3,000 miles away from New York to California; all I had with me then was the hope that I’d forget the pain of the past and move on. Luckily for the past 4 years, I’ve done a great job at hiding, and staying away from the “scene”. I’ve met new people, pursued a profession for my passion in film making and graphic design, and was fairly known, despite having to “hide” from most people I used to call friends, cause by some miracle, I haven’t come across anyone from that circle.

 

Today as I was pulling up at my driveway, I saw a car, on a hazard just right in front of my lawn; worried that this might be an intruder, I quickly parked, and picked up the gun under my seat, cocked it and carefully left my car as I walk as quickly as I could to my front door, with my phone ready to dial 911 just in case.

 

I lived in constant fear of being mugged and killed ever since I left New York; and the memories of me fighting to live after my accident back in that city have given me enough reason to be on guard all the time. I tucked my gun under my arm inside my shoulder bag, ready to pull it out any moment that someone attacks me.

 

 The car just didn’t seem familiar to me, this can be anyone—a visitor of my neighbor, for all I know.

 

I walked as quick as I could, and as I sped up to my door and pulled out my keys, I heard a car door slam close. I trembled as I picked the door keys and struggled to shoot it in the hole, I twisted it, pushed the door open; but just as I was about to run inside my house, a familiar voice called my name.

 

I paused, and slowly turned, sighing in relief as I figure out that the voice belonged to someone I know so well.

 

And as I see her smiling back at me, clad in her usual ensemble of ripped jeans, oversized shirt and her ever trusted chuck taylors, I almost cried.

 

“Emy?” I called her name back at her, as I drop my things and run to her to give her a hug.

 

“I can’t believe I found you.” Emy said, her voice breaking as mine did when I answered back.

 

“I can’t believe you’re here.”

 

4 years. 4 damn years, and the feeling was still there.

 

Emy pulled away, her eyes red, and her face drenched in tears.

 

“Look at you, oh my God.” Emy said, as she held my face, surveying it.

 

“you finally grew your hair.” I said, chuckling as I wipe my tears dry.

 

“yeah!” Emy laughed; recalling how she hated how her hair grows too quickly.

 

“Oh, jeez, I’m so sorry!” I flinched, recalling that a proper way to welcome a guest is by letting them inside your house. “come on in!” I said as I gather my things.

 

“And excuse me while I kill this first.” I said, reaching out for my gun as I kick the door closed.

 

“Woah!” Emy said, almost jumping back and throwing her hands up.

 

I de-cocked the gun and pulled the magazine out for safety.

 

“why the hell do you have that with you?!” Emy asked, relaxing as she sit on my couch.

 

“Long story.” I said, throwing my things aside on the couch before sitting beside her.

 

I offered Emy drinks, and after catching up over a few bottles of beer, Emy finally admitted the real reason she was here. She told me she would be retiring from a job she had with one of our closest friends from years back-- Tegan and Sara. I was surprised to hear from her after all these years, only to find out that she couldn't find anyone else fit for the job-- and I thought she really missed me. IF it wasn't for call of duty she wouldn't have wasted her time trying to find me from hiding from everyone else for that long. I kept myself isolated, but I have a very good reason-- I  know they were mad for not hearing from me for so long, and I would understand, cause after all the help they reached out to me, I refused it all. 

 

 Emy also confessed that they felt a little upset that I had to hide like I did, and they thought that I have moved on with my life without them. But upon hearing from our common friends how much I've been through just to get to where I am now to function again normally in life, they had to put all their doubts aside.

 

   "Sara, by some unexpected event, came across your work under your alias, and when we did further research, we found out it was you we’ve been considering to take the job this whole time. Sara thought it would be a good way to also reconnect with you, and… here I am."

 

This was a no brainer—I would have said yes the minute she offered it to me; and the moment I said yes, Emy was unstoppable-- she gave me "the book", her template and plans for the art, access cards, a cellphone, my ticket and cash. Before she left, she even introduced me to Stacy-- Sara's girlfriend who happened to be working for them too, who drove her here; but told me not to tell Sara about meeting her as they were not in good terms. Despite being a little thrown back by it, I just brushed it off.

 

And now, I'm on this plane ride to New York to finally meet them again for the first time in 4 years.

 

   All this nervousness from seeing them again is stressing me out, and the plane ride alone was physically exhausting-- not to mention that Emy didn't fly in with me cause she need to stay in California to finish some freelance work-- she'll turn over in a few days, so I'm really feeling a little nervous to do this on my own.

 

   As the plane land in LAX, I felt an unusual jolt in my gut, I wanted to back out, I wanted to go on the next flight out to Sta. Barbara and just not do it-- I'm not ready. But whenever I remember how much Emy went through just to find me, I can see that this is definitely worth giving the chance. 

       

   By the time I stood to get out of the plane, I could not express how happy I was to finally stretch my legs-- I swear to God I almost tore up from joy. I immediately texted Emy when I got out and told her I landed safely as I make my way to get my luggage.    

    

   Upon sorting my suitcases on the trolley, I got a call from an unknown number from the business phone Emy left for me; I answered it right away, not knowing what to say to the person on the other line, but I feel like I really need tot alk to someone cause I don't know where I should go from here.   

       

   "Hello?" 

    

_"Jo?"_

    

   "Yeah this is she.. " I said, sounding a little dumbfounded.  

       

_"Oh my God, I can't believe I'm talking to you again. It's Lindsey_!" Her name alone sent me to a cringe spree. I badly missed them-- all of them. 

    

   "hi Linds! I just landed, where are you?" I sounded a little too awkward trying to hide me excitement-- I could cry. 

    

   "Oh good! we were expecting you, I'm here right outside, my car's on a hazzard on the other side of the drop off, I'm with Tegan. Come on out! and make it quick! we have a lot of catching up to do!"  I swear I heard her shriek a little before she dropped the call. 

       

   I couldn't contain my own excitement, so I just breathed a little, shook my hands and hopped a few steps trying to shake this bitch of a nerve off. 

    

   I quickly walked out to the driveway and spotted Lindsey on the driver seat of a red sedan. The light went off and I crossed the pedestrian as quickly as I could, pushing the heavy cart and keeping it from straying my way. 

    

   "hi Jo!!!" Lindsey said, almost screaming as she get out of the car and welcome me. I skipped, leaving my cart at the gutter as I approach Lindsey and gave her a hug.

    

   "Oh my God, I can't believe you're finally here! we missed you so much!" She said. 

    

   "Me too, it's so nice to see you again!" I said as I try to keep myself from hugging her to tight-- I'm just so happy to see her. 

    

   and just when I thought I couldn't get more excited, I saw Tegan get out of the car. Clad in her muscle tee and her wayfarers, she swept her bangs and removed her sunnies, approaching us as I slowly let go of Lindsey. 

    

   "you son of a bitch!" She said, throwing herself at me, embracing me.

    

   "You fucker, it’s been too long!" I tried to smile from behind her, but I was so happy I couldn't contain my tears. 

    

   "I know! I’ve been too good at hiding!” I said as I let go of Tegan.

 

“Well I doubt that cause we still found you!” Tegan answered, reaching for one of my suitcases.

 

“Or you guys are probably just good stalkers, yeah?” Lindsey added, picking up another one.

 

“Yeah, I’d like think it’s the latter!” I said, helping them load my tings on the trunk.

 

 "Welcome back to New York." Tegan said, before closing the trunk and throwing an arm over my shoulder, as we get into the car.

 

 

 

      

   The drive around NYC was quite a ride, I'm glad Tegan just won't shut up as it takes my mind away all the bad memories, while Lindsey was busy stirring the wheel. I haven't visited for as long as I could remember and I felt like a complete stranger to a city I used to be so familiar with. From LaGuardia, we headed upper west to Sara and Stacy's apartment; we used to be neighbors back at the Pavillion, but I guess she had to move in with her this time.

     

   The 3 of us went to the nearby restaurant for tea and light dinner while waiting for Sara. We spent a couple more hours at the coffee shop just catching up and discussing work, until I finally remembered to call Emy, plus I've been itching for a smoke, so I excused myself from them and went outside to make the phone call and do a bit of puffing.

 

   It's a shame that while Tegan and LB has finally stopped the habit, I'm still stuck with the nicotine rush, I felt a little embarrassed but unlike Emy, Tegan is totally just cool with it; I hope Sara is too. Emy's phone just kept on ringing until I got to her voicemail, but I dropped the call and tried again, STILL getting her voicemail. My 3rd attempt went straight to voicemail again, so I just gave in.

 

   "..leave a message after the.. *beep*"

 

   "wow how original. I'm with Tegan and Lindsey, they fetched me at LAG and we're just waiting for Sara. call me.”

 

   Just when I sent the message, a cab pulled over just in front of the driveway; and unexpectedly, Sara came out of the car. I quickly killed my cigarette and ran over to her.

 

“Jo! Oh my gosh!” Sara said as she walk towards me, greeting me with an embrace.

 

 

 

   Whatever happened to you?!" Sara asked as she survey me as we sit with Lindsey and Tegan inside. I shrugged.

 

 "I don’t know, I guess working too hard got the best of me" I said.

    

   Sara chuckled but shook her head. "no, what I mean is, look at you!" I was surprised of her reaction.

  

"why?" I asked. Sara slightly scratched her lip; a very familiar mannerism that she does whenever she couldn't find words to say; I was thinking along the lines of 'gosh, I dont know how to say this but you look awful but I dont want to offend you or you'll fuck up our album art and our book'

 

   "you look good Jo." she said with a soft smile, and rubbed my back.

 

   "well, now we all know that rehab actually works!" I said, in an awkward but somewhat proud stance. The 3 of them were just quiet, trying not to say anything that might offend me on this sensitive issue. 

 

   "come on guys, it's not like I'm gonna gun you down for laughing with me at my mistakes. I'm not a criminal, why the long faces?" I asked trying to break the ice. 

 

   Tegan cleared her throat. "well, we're just glad you're okay. That was a really bad time. not hearing from you for that long." she said. Tegan bowed her head and smiled to herself awkwardly. 

 

   "we thought we completely lost you." Sara added recalling what had happened 4 years ago.

 

   I scoffed; "come on, we all get one too many sometimes." I said laughing, But they don't seem to find that joke funny. 

 

   "anyway" Sara swept her bangs. "shall we go up now?" she said gathering her back and phone. Lindsey and Tegan stood to pay the bill, while Sara led me outside.

 

  We arrived at Sara's apartment, where we also took my luggage in; so this probably means that I'm staying at Sara's for the mean time. Sara led me to a small guest's room where there's a bed, a laptop, and another blackberry waiting for me. 

 

   "so, this is your bedroom while you're in New York, sad enough for you, you'll be staying with boring ol me, so.." 

 

   I scoffed and said, "you're still holding on to that?! it's been almost a decade!" Sara smiled

 

   "I'm just kidding" she said, tapping my shoulder. Tegan came in as well bringing a bottle of champagne. 

 

   "you guys up for a small drink?" I sat on the bed and said "nah, I'm gonna pass." 

 

   Tegan waved, "ahh that's okay, go to bed now I'll wake you up in 4 hours."

 

   Sara made face and said "she's not gonna let you pass believe me." 

 

   Tegan winked and left the room. Sara smiled and closed the door, but frowned as soon as she sat beside me, letting out a deep sigh. They haven't changed a bit-- she's still as exhausted as she would have been from Tegan's little antics from the last time I was with them-- seems only like yesterday.

 

   "so.. it's kinda small. but you know.. it's comfy. I used to stay here when I wanna be alone. the window's got a great view of the city and the streets so.. " Sara said as she survey the room.

 

I stood and faced the window; "yeah it does look great. Thank you for letting me crash in."

 

   Sara stood beside me. "don't mention it. This is going to be your home for the mean time.. so enjoy the books, the food, the wine and.. the company." Sara said, as I turn to her, catching her glance as she watch me look around.

 

 

   There's just so many things I wanna talk to her about, I missed her and Tegan terribly and I couldn't express it well especially when their girlfriends are around; we've tried to avoid issues like that since Sara and Emy broke up, and we never got the chance to see or even talk to eachother. I practically avoided her and this was the first time we ever talked after I cut communications with them.

 

   "I missed you." I blurted out.

 

Sara frowned. "you avoided me for 3 years, how can you not miss me?" I gave a short laugh of guilt

 

"yeah… well, I know you understand.. so.. I'm not gonna explain myself."  I said as I turned to the door "..and with that I changed my mind about the champagne"

 

I left the room, leaving her there, and I can tell even without having to look back, that Sara's giving me this awful stare of disbelief; maybe of guilt or annoyance, I'll never know.

 

   I joined Tegan, Lindsey and Jack (who just arrived), at the balcony, while Sara followed. I sat in between Tegan and Jack, and without any empty seats at the wooden couch, Sara sat in a high wooden stool across the coffee table, right in front of me. She was staring at me the whole time, until she emptied her glass, and gave it to Tegan for a refill.

 

"I told you she's not gonna let you pass" she said.

 

   Tegan and I looked at eachother; she gave me a smile and I gave her an awkward grin as she pour me a glass.

 

  "you guys okay?" Asked Tegan, looking at me and Sara.              

 

   Sara looked at her in surprise and smiled "yes, why, is there something wrong?" she asked.

 

   Tegan smiled and shook her head, and then turned to Lindsey. I looked away from Sara, drank my champagne to the last drop and took out my personal phone and answered some messages.

 

   After a few glasses I decided to go to Sara's couch to take a breather, but it only took me a minute to slip away to dreamland.  I was knocked out, not expecting to actually sleep through, til 3 in the morning. As my sleep got interrupted, I decided to get up and go to the guest room, before realizing I was all cozied up in a blanket and a fluffy pillow; though last thing I could remember was passing out, barely even leaning on the armrest. I looked around, before getting up, and as I loosen up myself from the blanket, I noticed Sara on the other couch across the living room, dozed off, with her computer turned on, still resting on her lap.

 

I stood slowly, trying not to wake her up, but as soon as I dropped the blanket on the couch, Sara jerked, and finally woke up.

 

“I’m sorry, were you waiting on me?” I asked, as Sara look up at me and remove her laptop.

 

“Yeah, I didn’t want to leave you here.” Sara then closed her computer and placed it on the coffee table.

 

“uhm, tegan and Lindsey slept in your bed; I mean we were trying to wake you up but you were too deep in your sleep.” Sara said, as she pick up the blanket and pillow I used.

 

“we can sleep in my room if you want?” she offered, carrying the pillow and blanket with her.

 

“oh, no… it’s okay, I’m fine in the living room.” I said, trying hard not to come off weirded out, despite this being an awkward conversation.

 

“Are you sure?” She asked.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine here.” I said, reassuring her.

 

“alright… goodnight? I’ll see you in the morning.. oh and if you’re hungry there’s food in the kitchen, you can have anything you want in there.” Sara said, putting the blanket and pillow down on the couch again.

 

“Okay… thank you.. goodnight!” I said, before Sara smiled back and walked to her room.

 

As Sara got in her room, I tried to get into the guest room to get one of my suitcases so I can change into my jammies, but the door was locked; so I had to follow Sara to her room.

 

I knocked, and Sara immediately answered to the door.

 

“hey.” I greeted as she got to the door.

 

“Uhm… The guestroom is locked, and I’d like to change into something and brush my teeth but my stuff is inside, so…”

 

Sara chuckled. “oh no…” She shook her head.

 

“what’s wrong?” I asked.

 

“you better change your sheets tomorrow.” She said as she open her door wide. “come on in, I’ll get you some clothes.” I got in, as Sara opened her closet..

 

It didn’t hit me until I sat on Sara’s bed, that she meant Tegan and Lindsey is having sex in my bed.

 

“Oh my God.” I said, palming my face.

 

Sara chuckled still, as she pick out some clothes; but I noticed how she frowned as she pull out the clothes she’d lend me.

 

“here…” Sara handed me a pair of silk rompers. “that’s Stacy’s, that’ll fit you.”

 

I didn’t realize I was her size, maybe because she was a lot taller than me. I’d contest, but I remember being advised not to tell Sara that I saw her yesterday, so I just took it from her without a word.

 

“Are you okay?” I asked Sara, as she sit on the bed after I took the romper from her.

 

“yeah! I’m okay… I’m okay… I just… I just remembered something...” Sara excused. “there’s extra towel in the linen closet in the living room and extra toothbrush in the bathroom, it’s in the medicine cabinet..”

 

“Alright thank you… goodnight Sara…” I said before leaving.

 

“Goodnight…” Sara said, following me to the door as I closed it behind me.                      

 

 

 

 

   It was a cold and gloomy tuesday morning; supposedly my favorite weather, and just lying in Sara's couch felt better than staying in that suffocating guestroom, so I was definitely taking time to rest and laze around, until I woke up to a noisy knock on the door. 

 

I got up, and covered my freezing, almost naked body with a blanket as I walk down the door swaying side to side.

 

"I'll get it!" said tegan as she tapped my shoulders from behind racing me to the door.

 

“You may want to sleep in your room, you can’t sleep in the couch looking like that with the plumber around.” She added before getting the door.

 

“Oh.” _Shit_ , Tegan’s right, I can’t walk around Sara’s apartment in her girlfriend’s lingerie with an unknown man working on their pipes.

 

As I walked back to the couch to get my phone, Sara walked out of her room, her hair still wet, all dressed up;

 

 "goodmorning" Sara said, looking so much better than I left her last night.

 

 "goodmorning" I said, greeting her back as I close the gaps of the blanket over my body.

 

  "I'm going to the coffee shop to pick up some grounds, you wanna come with?" she asked.

 

“I’m gonna have to pass, it takes forever for me to get made up. I said, clutching the blanket on me tighter.

 

"alright, but if you wanna walk around downtown, just ring me up. I'll be back in an hour" she said before heading to the door.

 

“I will, take care!” I said, before Sara waved and left the apartment.

 

Leaving me and Tegan in the apartment, I decided to get changed and help her out in the kitchen to prepare breakfast.

 

I took to the kitchen right after I was done, and joined her;  

 

"sorry if we took your bed last night" Said Tegan as I sit on the bar stool while She's preparing salad.

 

"that's ok, I was doing fine in the couch anyway" Tegan smiled and gave me a glance.  / 

 

"so where's Lindsey?" I asked her.

 

"photoshoot. as usual." she said as she continue tossing the salad.

 

 "There's a hole on the tube here, it looks like a gunshot of some sort" Said the plumber from inside the bathroom.

 

Tegan and I looked at eachother upon hearing this;    

 

"a gunshot?" I whispered. Tegan just jerked her shoulders. She then wiped her hands and went to the bathroom to check it. In my curiosity, I follwed her in; The plumber is kneeling in front of the sink looking at the broken drain pipe. Tegan then knelt and looked at it too. 

 

"where the fuck did that come from?" she asked; I took a peek, and it does look like a gunshot from that far.

 

 "can I see?" I asked. Tegan then stood and moved away, as I knelt down and traced the outlines of the hole.

 

"it looks like it was shot from this side." The plumber said, pointing to the bathtub; and judging by the edges of the hole, it seems like he was right.

 

"is it possible that some suicidal psycho took a bath here and just randomly shot a gun from the tub?" asked Tegan. I shook my head and smiled in disbelief.

 

 "Possibly, but then again who would do that? when did you notice this anyway?" I asked.

 

   Tegan crossed her arms "just this morning. When Sara arrived yesterday, she just flew in from Montreal then. I think she doesn't know about this yet."

 

   I surveyed the bathroom and saw another hole on the wall going towards the streets, just adjacent to the pair of holes on the drain pipe. The plumber put his gloves on and started looking around for other holes, but instead he saw a bullet case. 

 

   "It is a fucking a gunshot" he said as he picked the case up and showed it to us.


	2. Hop a plane

 

     When Sara got back from her morning stroll, we showed her the pipe that the plumber removed from her bathroom sink and replaced a new one with. Sara was just shocked by what she saw and was just scarily speechless.

 

She even insisted on moving out of the apartment tonight but Tegan convinced her to just change her locks and secure her windows and vents. We also showed her the bullet case that the plumber saw from under the tub, but that just gave Sara more creeps.  We couldn't get Sara to get out of her room all day,  and we never got the chance to talk to her about it and ask about who might have broken in the apartment.

 

She just stayed inside her room, and not coming out if not to get something to eat or drink. Tegan and I made calls so we can at least help Sara out. 

 

 After reporting the incident to the management, we immediately got body guards on our doorstep and security roaming the apartment. While waiting for some feds to arrive in the afternoon, Tegan and I stayed at the balcony for some wine and music—She played and I poured drinks and took pictures—a rather familiar scene from the days we used to hang out at her place in Vancouver.

 

Not long after, Sara then finally went out of her room and joined us, this time she looked rather relaxed. 

 

"you ok?" I asked as she sat down with us.

 

Sara nodded and smiled as she wrap her arms around a throwpillow.

 

"to say I’m stil in shock is an understatement." she said. "I still couldn't believe someone's been in my house while I was away."

 

Tegan then took another glass and poured wine for Sara.

 

"I just find it really weird" I said. The two looked at me. "I mean. who else has keys to your house? Stacy?" I added as Sara loosened up on her seat.

 

"That's impossible. she's in California, is she?" asked Tegan as Sara turn to her.

 

"yes, at least that's what she told me, last time we spoke was what, 2 weeks ago? we'll never know til my landlord shows us footage from the security cameras."

 

Tegan looked surprised as she hand over the wine glass to Sara.

 

"2 weeks?!" I asked.

 

Sara smiled and nodded.

 

"yeah.. 2 weeks. Have been on the rocks with her since last month" Sara said before taking a sip of her wine.

 

 "I thought you guys worked it out? Why haven’t you told me about this?" Tegan asked, as she stood up to sit near Sara.

 

"There's really nothing I could do if I don't know the reason why she's acting so weird, so I'm just letting her do her thing. But I don't think she'd be in her right mind to fly over here just to try and kill herself in our bath tub. She knows better than to do that."

 

Sara continued to drink her wine. I was just sitting there, trying to observe their faces and wanting to just rape the shutter button, seeing their priceless reactions, and raw emotions.  I just had to jump to it and immediately took consecutive shots of Sara. She then looked directly at my lenses and gave a smile instead of a frown I was expecting.

 

 "you're not getting paid for this, until next Monday, don't forget that" She said jokingly.

 

I laughed and said "that's fine. You'll never know which one I'll use and, either way you will pay me when you get your artwork" 

 

Tegan stood up and butted in "Oh that's what you think! we're actually tight on budget so we're kinda thinking of getting the artwork for free, if that's okay?" Sara rolled her eyes and shook her head.

 

I was just sitting there, staring at Tegan and waiting for her to break it and say she's joking.

 

"shut it tegan. she's kidding, Jo, I know you're a bit gullible, but please dont let this person abuse your talent." Sara said "but regarding the budget, are you able to work for a minimum? can you give us a bit of a discount for this?" she added.

 

I didn't know what to say; they're starting to freak me out a bit. The 2 were just looking at me waiting for a response, but I was just sitting there with my camera on hand, and just waiting for them to tell me they're being their old mischievous selves.

 

"for fuck's sake, tell me you're kidding." I said, giving them sharp looks.

 

Tegan and Sara looked at eachother calmly, "I told you she's gullible" Said Sara.

 

They laughed together and I just ended taking another photo of them. I shook my head after taking the shot. Tegan then messed my hair up and entered the living room saying "let's have dinner bitches." 

 

 

 

 

We had a small dinner, just a bunch of green stuff and some berry smoothies by Tegan. I'm gonna have to get used to eating healthy food while I live with Sara, definitely not gonna have meat for a long time. 

 

Right after dinner, the inspectors came to look into the apartment. We insisted to stay, however they were very persistent in moving us out while they still try to see who did this, and to secure us, making sure no one wants to put Sara, or Tegan in danger.

 

We weren't really allowed to take anything with us except for those we came with, so Sara had to leave some of her important items in the house. We we're requested to leave the state and to make sure that we're not being followed around we were escorted on our way out of the apartment. We arrived at an office uptown, and met with a couple of people. I had to stay outside for a while, as they do bit of an important meeting of some sort, and make secured personal calls to family members telling them of what happened, while I'm not allowed to make any calls yet.

 

Tegan then came out after a couple of minutes and asked me to come inside;  And as soon as she closed the door she said right away; "we're flying to LA tonight."

 

I smiled in response, but she was quite serious so I decided not to say anything.  "but don't be too happy about it. It's prolly gonna delay the start of the project, and it's gonna delay paychecks and allowances too. I hope you understand." she said, sounding really apologetic.

 

"that's totally fine, as long as I'm near home, I'm good, forget about the allowance, I'll be okay at home." I said.

 

"well.. I'm afraid you need to still stay with us, we need you to work close, and we need you around 24/7" Tegan said, still sounding a little sorry for me.

 

"oh.." LA and Santa Barbara is about 3-4 hours away, I’d take that than not be able to come home when I want to at all "can I still visit home though?" I asked.

 

"yeah! of course, you get a few days off and of course during downtimes, you can go home"

 

 "then I'm fine with that!" I said

 

"and also I wanted to-----" Just as Tegan was about to say something, Sara went out as well.

 

"oh, I'm sorry, am I interrupting?" She asked as she close the door back.

 

"nah.. any news?" I asked Sara. she just shook her head.

 

"ok, well.. I do hope they figure it out right away." I said.

 

"yeah, I hope so too." she said. 

 

Sara then turned to Tegan, "did you tell her?" Tegan nodded. 

 

"aparently she doesn't care about the delayed paycheck, and allowance." They turned and smiled at me. 

 

"I told you she should work for free." Tegan added. 

 

I shook my head and said "don't start" we just laughed it off and came back inside. 

 

"are you guys ready?" a woman came out and asked us. 

 

"we're leaving now?" Asked Tegan. The lady nodded; 

 

Sara and Tegan looked at eachother with a bit of worry. 

 

"when is Lindsey coming back?" I Asked Sara. 

 

The lady looked at me "do we need LB? I mean, we have her." she said. 

 

I frowned and looked at Tegan. "aren't we supposed to actually wait for her at least?" I asked.

 

"yeah and I never actually got the chance to tell her about this whole situation cause she's on a plane back here." tegan added. 

 

"I'm sorry but your plane leaves in 3 hours, if she doesn't make it back at least an hour from now, we're gonna miss the check in" Tegan scratched her head.

 

"what time is she supposed to land anyway? can't we just meet her at the airport?" Sara asked Tegan. 

 

"she should have landed now but she's not responding to any of my calls or texts" Tegan just sighed and went for her bags. 

 

"shall we go now?" the lady asked

 

"yeah." Sara said.

 

 

 

 

They loaded our bags on the van and we left as soon as we were done. We arrived at the airport in no time and met with Lindsey on the way. Fortunately Lindsey's got a couple of days off so she can come back home with us to LA. They immediately booked her a flight but there were no seats available until tomorrow afternoon, so she had to stay at a hotel for the meantime, with this, Tegan decided to reschedule her flight so she can accompany Lindsey.

 

I immediately texted Emy through the phone Stacy gave me, regarding what happened to the apartment, and told her we will be coming back in LA; but unfortunately I haven’t received a reply.

 

 Sara and I slept through the whole waiting before we board the plane. Everyone else was up while they were waiting, and looking after our stuff. So during the flight, we were the only one wide awake while everyone else was sleeping. We chat, ate, drank wine and played a few card games to keep ourselves busy.

 

 "are you excited to see Stacy?" I asked her as we lie back in recline just looking up at the plane ceiling

 

"nah. I kinda don't wanted to see her." 

 

I frowned. "Why?" Sara looked at me. I then turned to her.

 

"I just don't feel like it. I don't know what happened to us. It's like, she's a totally different person now." Sara shook her head.

 

"i'm sorry. I hope you can still work it out" I said. Sara Looked back up at the ceiling without a word.

 

 "anyway, I missed hanging out with you. Let's go out on our day off." I smiled

 

 "sure" I answered her back.

 

 Calm as I may have sounded answering Sara back with a casual " _sure_ ", it definitely is not what it looks like. I kinda freaked out and had to go to the restroom to calm my nerves down.

 

I turned my phone on and immediately sent a text message to Emy again, telling her what Sara just said and asked what it might mean to her when she said "go out". I just wasn't really too comfortable thinking that it was a date, or maybe she's just causally asking me out as a friend.

 

I don't want to really make it a big deal, but something doesn't seem right, and usually in situations like this, my hunch is right. But it's as if a part me of me wanted this to be a date; the fact that Sara and Stacy are still technically a couple doesn't really make it safe. I mean she started taking Emy out on dates when she was still in a relationship, so it's possible she'll ' _stray_ ' this time.

 

I let out a sigh and crossed my fingers after I sent the text message, then fixed my hair and calmed myself down as I opened the door. To my surprise, Sara was standing there, holding her tummy and looking rather a bit constipated;

 

"come on, my bladders gonna explode."  I immediately got out of the way and quickly walked towards my seat.

 

My heart was racing, unexplainably and I couldn't come to calm myself down-- so I tried closing my eyes for a nap, but before I know it, in about an hour, we were ready to land.

 

 

 

 

We arrived at LAX around 5 in the morning; and the moment I set foot on the ground I immediately called Emy using the business phone again, but she was not picking up, I called her again but this time, her phone was unreachable. 

 

"Hey, did Emy ever told you that she changed numbers or exchanged phones with anyone?" I asked Sara.

 

"no, we actually havent spoken yet, why?" she said as she shake her head.

 

 "I just called her but her phone's not ringing now." I said.

 

"no voicemail?" Sara asked as she open the door for me as we enter the airport. I just shook my head as I try to dial her up again. After about 5 more attempts, I gave up.

 

"just email her, she'll read that for sure." I just nodded. "don't be sad now, you'll see Emy soon, okay?" Sara said as she pat my back.

 

I smiled and just said "okay" I wasn't really sad cause I miss Emy or anything like that, I'm just totally nervous because of what Sara said earlier during the flight, it came out of nowhere, but then we're old friends so I think we can catch up outside the "work" environment, still—maybe it’s just me giving it meaning.

 

After immigration, we immediately filled our carts;  I've been dying to take a much needed cigarette break so I hurriedly placed my luggage,  but just as Sara and I was about to exit towards the driveway, to our biggest surprise, Stacy came running towards her; crying.

 

Stacy embraced Sara as soon as she got a hold of her. Sara was looking at me, as if asking to pull Stacy away from her.

 

"are you okay? I heard about what happened" Stacy asked as she let go of Sara, but she moved away a bit from Stacy.

 

"I'm okay." Sara said.

 

Stacy embraced her again I felt the need to just leave them alone so I made a few hand signals, telling her I’m going outside. Sara just shook her head and gave me a look, as if saying not to leave her alone with her Girlfriend.

 

Sara then carefully pushed Stacy away.

 

"Stacy, uh.. This is Jo. she's our new art director; she’s that friend tegan and I were talking about.." She said, breaking the ice.

 

Stacy turned to me. "hi, nice to meet you" she said shaking my hands as if she never met me before.

 

We stood there waiting for someone to talk, and just move on from the awkward scene that Stacy started.

 

"so, where are you guys staying?" Stacy asked.

 

I smiled and said, "well, I have a house down at santa barbara, so that's where I'm staying."

 

I then turned to Sara. She was quiet, and doesn't really know what to say cause their assistant hasn't said anything about accommodation yet.

 

"well, Tegan's still in New York, so for the mean time I'll be staying with Jo."  She said; not only did that got me off guard, but it definitely shocked Stacy; her eyes widened, but she shook it off and forced a smiled.

 

"well, aren't you going to stay with me?" she asked.

 

Sara shook her head and just looked down.  "no." she said, trying not to catch Stacy's eye.

 

"okay then. very well, I should get going. call me" Stacy said without looking at any of us. She then slowly walked away. I wanted to run to her and comfort her a bit, but Sara's friend in me decided against it after I recall what Sara told me about her.

 

Stacy gave me one last look, I then mouthed "I'm sorry". Part of me was sincerely sorry, and another loathes her for being such a bitch towards Sara; but then I can’t help but feel bad for her having to drive all this way, worried about Sara and she gets _this_ back from her.

 

Stacy smiled a bit, then turned back, walking away from us;  and once Stacy was out of sight, Sara pulled me away.

 

"seriously, Santa Barbara?! that's like 3 hours from here" she said.

 

I stared at Sara with disbelief.

 

“well forgive me I wasn’t briefed about this.”  I said. “And who would’ve thought she’ll come barging in here? That was so weird.”

 

“Right?! Just now when something bad happens, here she comes rushing to the rescue when all those times I needed her she just couldn’t care less.” Sara said, shaking her head as we walk out of the airport.

 

“but seriously, you’re coming with me?” I asked, still rather surprised by the fact that she’s staying with me than Stacy being here at the airport.

 

 

Sara just smiled "I don't know. I guess. might as well go on a little vacation."

 

 

 

 

As we travelled to my house via Uber, Sara had this blank expression on her the whole time, she's been staring out the window, if not down on her shoes or her fingers. I have this feeling that she might be a little upset that she had to decline Stacy like that, but I don't think she had any other choice but to do that after shutting Sara out for 2 weeks.

 

"you ok?" I asked, nudging her by the elbow.

 

 Sara looked at me and said "I’m sorry, I just… still couldn’t figure how in the hell did Stacy found out we were flying in today"

 

Beats me.

 

"I had no idea, you tell me. Isn't she part of your 'management' now?" I asked; This girl's got a knack for working with her girlfriends.

 

Sara nodded. "she is.. but.. someone could have at least told me that they informed her... and you know what's odd? she didn't even call me the moment she found out. and she had to wait for me at the airport just to ask if I was okay."

 

She was just staring at me, and I could feel how upset she was.

 

“I don’t know, I guess she wanted to make that big gesture?”

 

Sara sighed as she turn to the window, brushing off my suggestion. "I wanted to just... I don't know. I just want her out of the picture for the mean time, I can’t help but be annoyed by her presence after all this shit going on.” she added.

 

I just sat there quietly, not knowing what to say; I sort of feel like Stacy's got a lot on her sleeve, I mean she did tell me the first time I met her not to tell Sara I was introduced to her before I left for New York.

"I know all this is just taking its toll on you right now, I may not have the best advice to give cause I barely know anything about you guys now, but I just want you to know that as a friend, I want to make up for the lost time," I said. "I'm just here if you need me. you don't have to say anything if you don't feel like it, if you just wanna.. you know, get your mind off things… just like the old days." I said.

 

"thanks. I did miss you after all, so I think you also need to really make it up to me and Tegan for keeping us off your life for that long." she said. I'm glad that sort of lifted her mood.

 

I scratched my head and gave off a nervous laugh, feeling guilty of shutting them out.

 

Sara then faced me, and crossed her arms; her eyes narrowing—as if telling me she was about to debrief me.

 

"Were we bad influences to you?" she asked, grinning but obviously feeling a bit worried for what happened to me.

 

I shook my head. "of course not. If  anything else, you guys were one of the reasons I made it out of college alive; so I kind of… felt like I disappointed you all and instead of making up for it, messed myself up… I just… can’t stand to have you guys see me like that, it was embarrassing."

 

 Sara's smile faded, her face going blank once again to the thought of the past.

 

"and also.. I know, it's been years since the last time Tegan and I talked, but it wasn’t until recently that I feel like I can face her again… so… here I am.” I said. with Sara just nod in response before sitting back without saying a word.


	3. Nineteen

There’s just no place like home; as by the time we reached my house and showed Sara her room, I immediately ran into mine and lied in bed, falling asleep in no time; but it felt like it didn’t last long when I was woken up by my phone ringing the next morning. I picked my phone up, and answered the call from an unknown number, my eyes still fighting the sunlight through my window.

 

"good morning sunshine, I got your email! What’s up?” The lady at the other end of the line said;

 

I sat up, feeling surprised the moment I realized it was Emy.

 

“What the fuck happened to you?! Why haven’t you been answering my calls and texts?!” I said, my shouting completely waking me up.

 

“I didn’t receive anything! I saw your email and that was it.” She excused.

 

As I was about to come back at Emy, Sara came rushing to my room, not bothering to knock—she just went and opened it and peeked inside.

 

“Jo? What happened? I heard shouting, is everything okay?” She said, coming towards me.

 

“It’s… It’s Emy..” I said, pointing to to my phone.

 

“I’m sorry?” Emy said on the other line.

 

“It’s ugh… It’s Sara, she heard me shout at you, she’s here with me.” I said, as Sara sit on the bed, watching and listening.

 

“I know! We’ve been in contact since you slept on her last night apparently you were snoring as early as 8 pm.” Emy said.

 

I looked at Sara, feeling sorry that I didn’t take care of her last night like a good host should.

 

“Shit I’m sorry.” I said. I guess all the travelling ruined my body clock; it was a waste time and energy, had I known I would fly back to California in less than 48 hours, I would not have flown out to begin with.

 

“Anyway I’ll be at your house in about an hour. Did Sara tell you yet?” Emy said.

 

“Tell me what??? And what are you doing driving down to Santa Barbara? Aren’t you staying in LA?” I asked.

 

“Well Lenny is in town and he wanted to see us so…”

 

“Lenny is in town?! How do I not know this?”

 

“you’ve been asleep for 19 hours… straight.” Sara said.

 

 _Damn it._  

 

It must have been my anti-depressants; I don’t remember taking them, however I saw my pills bottles on the bedside table—so I guess I took them after all.

 

“yeah… Had you been answering our calls, you would’ve known.” Emy said.

 

“I’m sorry okay? And also I don’t have anything in stock right now, can’t we just go out for brunch instead?” I said, remembering that I emptied my fridge before leaving for New York.

 

“Oh, I… I bought us groceries while you were asleep.” Sara said.

 

I just nodded then;

 

“oh wait,  looks like Sara already shopped for supplies. We’ll wait for you. drive safely.” I said.

 

“Oh god, jo, keep it together will you? see you in a bit, Bye!” Emy bid before ending the call.

 

I exhaled, as if my life depended on releasing the stress like this as I face Sara.

 

“I am so, so sorry.” I said, palming my face.

 

Sara laughed; “it’s okay… it’s our fault why your body got messed up like that with all the travelling. Are you feeling any better?” Sara asked.

 

“yeah… I’m… surprisingly feeling energized despite my eyes failing me right this very minute.” I said as my eyes start to feel heavy again.

 

“Come on, I brewed you some coffee.” Sara said, as she leave the bed.

 

Much as I was embarrassed that I have left her all on her own, I was really surprised and rather flattered, that she just let me sleep while she did all the shopping and even the liberty to make me coffee.

 

 

“You just, gave me the keys, told me to open the room right beside yours and that’s it. I opened the door, placed my bags inside and when I came back you were asleep.” Sara said reminding me what I did last night as we prepare the marinade mix for the barbecue.

 

“…and did you get to have dinner last night? Damn it, I’m so sorry.” I said, still feeling a little embarrassed.

 

“Well, I was starving but you didn’t have anything in the kitchen so I called Emy, gave me restaurant suggestions that deliver with in town, and that’s it. I’m an adult don’t worry, it wasn’t rocket science surviving a deserted house in Santa Barbara.”

 

Shortly after we finished preparing the food we’ll be cooking, Emy arrived—much earlier than we expected. I then took the chance to leave her and Sara to chat so I can sort of unwind alone in the backyard; on my bench, with a blanket, a book, a glass of wine and a lit cigarette.

 

But as I was halfway through the page I picked up from, Emy went out to call me in;

 

“Lenny’s here!” Emy said, before running back inside the house.

 

I dropped everything and ran inside as well; I can’t believe I’m seeing one of my college friends again after so many years of being in Canada.

 

I quickly went to the living room, and saw Emy hugging it out with Lenny;

 

“Oh my God what happened to you?!” I exclaimed, walking towards them as I observe Lenny’s weight loss.

 

Lenny and Emy pulled away, as they both face me as I approach them.

 

I threw myself at Lenny, gave him a quick hug, and just pulled away soon as I realized he was not reciprocating.

 

“And who is this…. Girl?” He asked, pointing at me.

 

Emy and I paused, looking at eachother in confusion;

 

“Oh my God I’m kidding! Come on!” Lenny broke the ice, pulling me in for another hug.

 

“I missed you Claire!” He said behind my ear.

 

“Shut it, asshole.” I said as we continue to hug.

 

I missed this; it suddenly felt like 2003 all over again—it was too much for a reunion; Sara, Emy,and Lenny all in one day, and I wouldn’t choose any way else to spend a random weekday.

 

 

"so why did you take this, bitch in for the job again?" Lenny asked Sara over Lunch.

 

Sara gave a short laugh and said "well. to be honest she's got a great eye for detail and her works are just astonishing, very technical yet very artistic. We wouldn't trust anyone else"

 

Lenny frowned. "you just pirated one of my best free-lance artists, I'm gonna blame you for my downfall"  Lenny said, recalling how I work for him as an artist for his music’s artwork too, despite not having seen him in years, we remained in contact.

 

We all laughed but Lenny was starting to get a little serious, so we just stopped and went on to eat our food; and then Lenny busted out laughing out of nowhere. I swear to God, food could have flown out of my mouth. My friends are just crazy.

                                                                                                                                                 

Now just when I thought this was the ultimate roster for this _reunion,_ I realized that this won’t be complete without Tegan. As soon as Tegan texted me that they have landed, I called them and offered my house to them too.

 

Lindsey and Tegan arrived just in time to prepare for dinner, so after I showed them their room, I went to the backyard to join Emy and Lenny and help with the grill.

 

 Since Sara was busy with her book, I took the chance to talk to Emy about the voicemails and messages I sent her;

 

 "Like I said I never received any of it. What number were you dialing anyway?" she asked.

 

I put out the blackberry Stacy gave me then scrolled down the contacts to show her the number. Emy looked at the number and gave off a short laugh.

 

"you're probably mistaken, that's not mine." I couldn’t help but feel my stomach drop.

 

"are you sure?" I then took my iphone and checked the number Emy used to call me, to see if it's the same. apparently, it's not.

 

"holy mother." were all I could say.

 

I borrowed Emy's phone and dialed the number, and to my surprise, it was actually Stacy's "other" number.

 

All this time, I was updating Stacy. Now it makes sense why she showed up like that at the airport.

 

"why, what's wrong?" Emy asked.

 

"It's stacy's number." I said.

 

“..aaand, what's wrong with that?" she asked.

 

I then opened my sent items and showed it to Emy; she read it as she wiped her forehead dry from sweating due to the heat of the grill.

 

"holy shit" she said as she scroll through message by message.

 

"I even left her a voicemail, for Christ's sake" I said as Emy handed the phone back.

 

All this time, Sara and I thought someone's fishing information to Stacy, not knowing I was actually giving her the information first hand.

 

"why the hell were you using that phone for personal messages anyway?" she asked

 

I looked up at her in embarrassment and said "I was saving on credits".

 

Emy just shook her head, dropping the thongs she’s been holding up this whole time.

 

"..but why the fuck was this number saved in your name in the first place? She did give me this phone after all. " Emy sat down on the bench as Lenny came up from the pool.

 

"She had to lend me that number when we left for Paris a month ago cause I didn't applied mine for roaming, I guess one of the crew who owned that phone before you, had it saved in my name. Don't assume such things, I don't think any of it was intentional" She said in her defense.

 

"Then why did she practically 'begged' me not to tell Sara she met me?" I asked

 

"well.. they have their issues, Stacy's shutting Sara out, I guess she didn't want an excuse to talk to Sara."

 

I'm getting weak in embarrassment and all I did was throw myself on the ground and bury my fingers on the grass of my backyard.

 

"I'm in so much trouble" I said, just lying there, savoring the dirt of the earth.

 

Emy laughed. "yeah you are."

 

She then continued grilling the beef, while Lenny sat down on the grass beside me. "So what's up with you and little miss 'goodbye goodbye'?" Lenny asked.

 

I shot him a furious look, and just sat up as I hit his shoulder. "there's nothing going on okay?"

 

Emy just darted us a look, laughing. "Gosh I feel so stupid. don't look at me like that" I said.

 

"you can give it a shot, I mean I can give you tips maybe you can turn her on like I did ." she said.

 

I shook my head and said "you, my friend have gone crazy."

 

I know Emy's all cool about that kind of 'exchange', but it just feels awkward to get this kind of blessing from her.

 

"stick that up your mother fucking self righteous ass. I saw the way you and Sara look at eachother, sparks are flying every-fucking-where" Lenny said, handing over a bottle of beer from the cooler beside him.

 

"Need any help guys?" We all jerked, upon hearing Sara from the sound of the back door opening.

 

"were you there all this time?" Lenny asked.

 

 Sara darted him a confused look and just slowly shook her head.

 

"uh, no I just got out.. why?"

 

Lenny shook his head, while Emy and I are just looking at eachother in worry.

 

God please keep Lenny's mouth shut.

 

"nothing.." and then he went for his beer.

 

and just as Sara was approaching us, Lindsey came rushing right behind her.

 

“Jo! Come on in, I want to show you something.” She said, holding the back door open.

 

_Thank You sweet lord Jesus Christ._

 

I aint even Christian but I'm thanking heavens for Lindsey, taking me out of this situation. 

 

 "now what could that be.” I said to myself, ignoring Sara as I sprint towards the house.

 

“What is it?” I asked, curiously wondering what that could be.

 

“Okay… promise me first, that whetever happens tonight, you’re not gonna get mad at me.”

 

_Damn it._

 

This better not ruin my night.

 

“Sure… What… what is it?” I said.

 

Lindsey quickly unlocked her phone, and showed it to me.

 

“I posted this photo during your first night.” Lindsey then opened the comments on our photo on her instagram;

 

“Read it.”

 

_@Lindseybyrnes: too long old friend, too long. We missed you jojo! :heartemoji: #THEoriginalNEWYORKER_

_@Dannysurfs: NO WAY_

_@LindseyByrnes: Yes way_

_@Dannysurfs: too bad I’m in CA now, are you in NY?_

“So I sent her a dm, and told her we were in NYC the other night, and when Tegan told me all about what was going on, I told Danny we just flew here.” Lindsey said.

 

I got a little nervous, and didn’t know exactly how to react to that.

 

“What happened to you guys?” Lindsey asked as I give back her phone.

 

“well…” I started, walking with her to the living room.

 

Tegan then came down the stairs, following us as she saw me and Lindsey.

 

“Did you tell her about Danny?” Tegan said, joining us to the living room.

 

“yeah she did…” I said as we settle ourselves down the sofa.

 

“I’m really not sure what happened to us, she just left me one day and never heard from her since.” I said.

 

Lindsey frowned in shock, her hands almost up on her mouth.

 

“What the fuck?” she asked.

 

“you’ve been with her for what… 3 years?” Tegan asked.

 

“2 years and 3 months… I moved with her to New York in 2008 and then she left just a year after that.”

 

“was that… was that before your _accident?”_ Tegan asked.

 

I just nodded, not wanting to open a can of worms.

 

“I mean there could be a reason why she left, right?” Lindsey said.

 

“I’d like to think it’s my fault.” I said. At this point, Tegan and Lindsey looked away, probably knowing what led to the break up. “I mean… let’s be honest, it was… the worst time of our… our whole clique if I can call it that. Everything just went downhill. From Teresa starting that scandal, to Sara and Emy breaking up, and I was just torn between my career and wanting to get better from my addiction. Everyone’s got their own business to mind”

 

“I honestly can’t remember this person’s face, I mean I sort of stalked her profile but I can’t seem to recognize her.” Tegan said, breaking the ice.

 

_“recognize who?”_

 

We all turned to the direction of the voice, seeing Sara. Seriously, why does she always end up popping out in the middle of a conversation like this?

 

“do you remember Danny? Jo’s ex?” Tegan asked.

 

“Okay, yeah I remember the name but… Was this… was this the girl you moved in with in New York?” Sara asked, sitting down.

 

“yeah, that’s her.” Lindsey said, answering for me.

 

“oh, okay yeah, that puts a face to the name. what about her?” she asked

 

“well I met her in Florida about 2 years ago;  a surfer’s magazine featured her and I took the photos for the cover and the story, and she, surprisingly recognized me and we’ve been following eachother in social media since… and then the other night, I posted a photo of me and Jo together and she commented.” Lindsey explained, as Sara listened in carefully.

 

“apparently they haven’t had any closure since Danny literally left Jo.” Tegan added.

 

“so now she’s asking me if she could meet Jo again.” Lindsey said.

 

“wait, first of all, I find it problematic that she didn’t talk to Jo for so long and now she sees her in social media and can’t even reach her herself and had to go through you.” Sara said, looking annoyed as she would in situations like this.

 

“Second of all, Jo, do you even want to talk to her at all after all she did? I mean… I remember clearly how devastated you were when she left, she’s practically a stranger to you now.” Sara added.

 

“Well I’ve gotten her out of my system, and I almost forgot about how much it hurt when she left but…” I paused, thinking to myself that I might have been at fault her too.

 

“but what?” Sara asked.

 

“I feel like I also owe it to her if she wanted some closure.” I said, trying to think rationally here now.

 

“why is that? Did you do anything that may have… led her to leave you?” Tegan asked.

 

I hesitated; but I am here in this situation where my friends are actually ready to listen.

 

“A year into the relationship, Danny was sober… and she… she relapsed because of me.” The room fell silent.

 

“She always told me, that it takes` a saint, or a martyr to love someone like me. I guess she was right, cause despite her being that big of a douche bag to leave without saying anything, it was probably the best thing she ever did…”

 

No one spoke; no one dared to question that statement because I’m sure the 3 of them know so well how that was true.

 

“Linds, you can tell her to come tonight if she wants to join us for dinner.” I said.

 

Lindsey looked rather surprised, but she picked her phone up right away.

 

“are you sure? I mean… are you ready to see her in such short notice?” She asked.

 

“yeah, like, maybe you need to process this first?” Tegan added.

 

“I’ve done enough processing in the last 5 years I haven’t seen everyone, I’m sure I won’t easily get on a rage or just break down in front of her. It’s not like I loved her like I loved  y—“  I paused, as I felt like I was giving out too much of myself yet again to the same people that I stayed away from.

 

“Anyway..” I shook my head.

 

“I think Emy and Lenny needs help with the dinner, Sara? You said you’ll be cooking some stew?” I said, standing up.

 

“Yeah, right.” Sara said, joining me.

 

“OH shit I need to prepare that salad too.” Tegan added, as she stood, and quickly ran to the kitchen.

 

“I’ll catch up with you guys, I’ll just call Danny.” Lindsey said, navigating through her phone.

 

 

 ---------------

 

 

“That’s probably her.” Lindsey said, as the doorbell rang as we set the table.

 

I felt my stomach drop yet again, and my skin erupt in goose bumps.

 

I gave one last sigh before walking to the front door, carrying with me a million thoughts, and probably another million scenes of how this night’s reunion would go down. I would’ve never imagined having to deal with this now; but I don’t think there’s a better time for this but now.

 

I answered the door, picturing Danny standing there, wearing her usual smile, and flipping her long brunette hair around like she usually does when she’s nervous. But I saw this tall tan girl in a blonde pixie, her back facing the door and I just couldn't figure who she was. 

 

_This can’t be her._

"Can I help you?" I said.

 

Upon hearing me, she turned—but she still doesn't look in any way familiar to me.

 

"Hi jo." she said. 

 

At that point, her voice and her familiar grin—I knew it was Danny.

 

“Dan?!" I almost tore up in awe  "what the fuck happened to you?" I honestly did not recognize her the first time; she buffed up, she's got tan, and she bleached her hair platinum blonde. she looks awfully beautiful, too beautiful.

 

“Well I missed you too!” Danny said, as I threw myself at her, giving her a friendly embrace before we laughed it off.

  

 “Sorry if I never called you.” Danny said, as she pulled away from me, holding both my hands.

 

\---------------

 

Of course Danny joined us for dinner, and surprisingly, we all shared a rather light mood. Lindsey took the liberty to chat Danny up, while Tegan, obviously trying to give Danny a hard time, managed to control her sarcasm. Sara however, was quiet the whole time, only talking when we ask her a question or if she needed to pass a plate.

 

So after dinner, Danny and I went to my room to talk, over a glass of wine; since this is what she was here for anyway, I'm not gonna waste more of my precious time-- I just wanna get this over with.

 

"so how's everything?" She asked as I sit on my dresser stool.

 

"so far so good.." I said.

 

"good to hear.. so I uh.. Assume you're in the "scene" again?" she asked sitting on my bed.

 

"what do you mean?"

 

"I mean.. I havent seen you on social media." well that's because I don't have any accounts.

 

"you know how much I hate that kind of stuff." Kind of ironic for a graphic artist like myself, but Lenny is doing all the promotion for me.

 

"yeah I figured.. anyway.." she stood again, putting the wineglass on top of my dresser as she approached me.

 

"I'm really here, first of all, to tell you how sorry I am.. for everything." She said, looking me right in the eye as she held my hands.

 

"I was.. I was scared for myself. you were engaging in.. too many drugs that your body can handle and.. I just don't want to be part of it anymore."

 

"Well, I have to be honest I was so mad at you, but I understand why you chose to leave, and I appreciate you telling me. Believe me I've been through worse.. I really didn't care that you just left our apartment without telling me, or without even the slightest idea that you were falling out."

 

Danny shook her head. "I didn't fall out, Jo."

 

"then what?"

 

"I wanted you to change. I thought I was.. the one who can do that.. but I guess.. I was just there to teach you a lesson."

 

"Danny.. you know why I was doing it." I said. I pursed my lips, and with that Danny knew what I was talking about.

 

"it's her.. wasn't it?" she asked.

 

I just nodded.

 

"I'm not gonna ask what happened between you two after we broke up, cause obviously it didn't work out since she's with someone else now."

 

I just sighed-- and took another sip of my wine. "And I practically avoided everyone in my life just to get away from the shame."

 

"what do you mean?" she asked, sitting beside me on the stool.

 

"Didn't Lindsey tell you?"

 

Danny shook her head. "tell me what?"

 

"I almost got killed because of my drug abuse, I suffered a stroke after I was gunned down by one of my dealers. I was unconscious for days, it took me longer to recover" She looked stunned. Her jaw dropped and as close as I am to her right this very minute, I can see tears on her eyes.

 

"Oh my God." she said, covering her lips.

 

"..and when I woke up I decided not to go back that path anymore. I lived here alone for 3 years now, and didn't see any of them since then." I said, trying to keep it together.

 

"I'm sorry. " she said again.

 

"But you know what.. I think if you didn't leave me, and just stuck with me til I get better, none of that would have happened. If you only stayed with me at my worst, then maybe I would have owed you my life." I wanted to blame her for everything, but this is still my doing.

 

"I didn't want any of that to happen, Jo. You know how much I've fought my demons, and seeing you get hooked like that makes me want to do it again. Let's admit it, it wasn't a healthy relationship at all.. our last few months together were just the worst." Danny said.

 

"that's true. but you could have at least had the courtesy to tell me you wanted out." I reminded her.

 

"how was I supposed to do it without you and I getting on a big fight? I don't want to leave you like that." she said. 

 

"oh yeah.. you'd rather leave me clueless." I said, not realizing that I was actually already in tears.

 

"I'm really sorry." Danny said, holding my hand. "I hope we can still be good friends like we were before."

 

I looked up at Danny, thinking that I couldn't really care less if she becomes a part of my life again. I'm not mad at her for leaving me-- it's just that up to this point, I couldn't help but feel bad about her abandoning me.

 

"believe me I've been trying to reach you. I tried visiting you back in New York, a few years ago, but none of our friends know where you were." I should understand, I distanced myself from them and kept myself a new group of friends.

 

"well.. like I said, I haven't hung out with any of them since my accident, so.. I don't blame you." I just looked down on my feet, feeling a little awkward as I tried to get Danny to understand that I still appreciate her effort.

 

"we can catch up, hang out and be friends again. We're both clean now, and I couldn't think of a better time to reconnect." I said, looking up at hear to ease her worries.

 

"Thank you, Jo." She said, closing in for an embrace.

 

"anytime, crink." I said, rubbing her back as I hug her back.

 

"for fuck's sake stop calling me that." she said, laughing it off a bit.

 

\------------------

 

I couldn't believe I'd take a full 180 degrees tonight after talking to Danny, Sara, Emy and Lenny were quite unconvinced of her good intentions, while Tegan couldn't care less.

 

Danny didn't stay long, she 's catching a flight back to Florida, where she's now based-- teaching teenagers how to surf on one of the surfing schools down there. I promised her we would catch up, but for now, I have to deal with the more important people that I left hanging.

 

Soon after we finished cleaning the kitchen, my living room became an instant office for us, it was late in the evening and the girls were still up for a face time meeting with Angie, while I take their photos, and Emy discussing some merch ideas with me on the side; but my mini photo op was cut short as Tegan called me over to speak to Angie.

 

 

 

"Hi Angie!" I said as I stand beside Sara, behind Tegan.

 

"Hello Jo, make sure you pack up early, cause we'll be sending you off to San Francisco tomorrow for 5 days." She said.

 

"wait, what?" I asked. Now I never expected that.

 

"we'll start recording in 2 weeks, but you'll have a few side projects too." Said Tegan.

 

"I'm not going alone am I?" I asked. Sara shook her head and said "no, I'm coming with you." that was a relief, but I still don't know why we're leaving.

 

"For now we can't tell you why you're going, it's pretty confidential. so make sure that you don't tell anyone you're leaving for San Francisco with Sara." Angie Added.

 

I just had to nod and not ask any more questions. Though I'm just really confused as fuck, tomorrow can wait.

 

"so what time are we leaving?" I asked Angie

 

she looked through her notebook, and said "you should be on the road at 3 in the morning, there will be a valet at your place by 2:45 to LAX, and then a private plane will take you to SanFo.. we have to start travelling privately and off peak for the mean time." All this privacy stuff is just giving me the creeps.

 

"alright" I said; I pretty much have no choice anyway.

 

And then out of nowhere, Sara put an arm around my waist and rested her chin on my shoulder from behind me. It felt awkward for a moment, I was about to excuse myself as I wet my pants, but I realized she might notice how uneasy, so I just calmed myself down; I just hope didn't feel me tremble.

 

But just as I cozied up to Sara, Tegan slightly turned to me and rolled her eyes away. I then cleared my throat, and excused myself for the bathroom.


	4. Call it off

we landed in san Francisco at 7 in the morning, welcomed by an unfamiliar group of people; and rode a black coaster to a big lot somewhere in the bay area. I was still feeling a bit rickety from the flight; Planes are my worst enemy when it comes to travelling-- Honestly I'd rather go on a long bus ride for 6 hours instead of going over the earth on a pressurized container for an hour.

 

"are you ok?" Sara asked as we reach a stop at a parking lot. "you look very pale"

 

I was sweating bullets, and to my horror, my stomach suddenly gave an unpleasant jolt. "I think I'm gonna be sick, Sara" I said, trying to stop liquids from climbing up my throat.

 

Sara stood and immediately asked someone to grab me a bottle of water, and the directions to a bathroom. One of them went out the bus running, and after a few moments a tall "bouncer like" guy came up to us and lifted me from my seat.

 

"I'm fine, I can walk" I said as he walked out of the bus. Sara was just right behind us, carrying my purse and following us out, while the rest of the people inside the bus gather around with scared faces. He quickly brought us to a nearby golf cart and drove us down the lot to a crowded warehouse full of lights and media equipment, so judging by that I'm guessing we're on for a photoshoot; I just had no idea who we're shooting.

 

"can you walk?" Sara asked as she stood from the cart. I nodded, still feeling wobbly and sick as I stood up holding her hand.

 

The big guy got out of the cart and carried me again. I swear to God I felt worse when he carries me, I just hope he'd stop making a big deal out of it and just let me gain my composure and walk my way to the nearest toilet so I can take a dump. Sara opened the bathroom door from the warehouse and led me inside.

 

"Thank you reggie, we'll be coming out as soon as she lets out." Sara said as she hold my arm from the bouncer, who's obviously named Reggie; I'm gonna have to remember that name. I took a deep breath and ran towards the nearest cubicle, closed the door, knelt down and just went for it.

 

\--------

 

After a much needed barf, I cleaned up and went out of the bathroom with Sara. Our luggage came in a cart pushed around by some crew from what looks like a production house.

 

"where are we, by the way?" I asked Sara. She looked at me and gave me a smile but didn't really say anything. Sara walked forward and looked back at me, signaling me to follow her. We walked around the warehouse towards the computers behind the set of the photo shoot, and approached a red head lady in a black dress, From behind, I'd immediately mistake her for carrot top, but I was even more shocked when she turned out to be Grace Coddington.

 

"goodmorning Grace!" Sara gave her a cheek "Good Morning Sara! Nice to have you here! thank you for coming" Sara pulled away and reached out her arms towards me.

 

She pulled me in closer to them and said "Grace this is Jo. She's the one Angela and I were talking about " Grace gave me a smile and I swear to God I was about to cry seeing one of my favorite people, standing right in front of me, and offering me a hand. Tears were piling up on the side of my eyes and I'm almost to the point of wailing in excitement, but luckily I managed to reach my shaking hands up and calmly say "Hello". She clasped her hands together and gave Sara a grin "She's adorable." she said, probably sensing how nervous I was.

 

Sara nodded, and crossed her arms "I think so too" She added.

 

"are we ready?" Grace asked. 'Ready for what?' I was just standing there with a blank face and a still confused head.

 

"yes we are" Sara said, in an attempt to take Grace's attention off mine.

 

"very well, then go get dressed, uh, Rufus?" She called out.

 

Sara took my arm and led me away from the set. "I am so sorry I didn't want to tell you off like this." She said as we were walking quickly away from everyone.

 

We went inside the bathroom again, Sara looked out for any people in the cubicles and carried on to lock the door behind us.

 

"what's going on?" I asked.

 

Sara sighed. "You're probably forgetting that Stacy and I are not in good terms." it doesn't make any sense why she's telling me this now.

  

I frowned. "Yeah, okay, I'm sorry that you're going through this, but what does that have to do with today?"

 

Sara looked down to her shoe looking a little embarrassed. "what's wrong with you?!."

 

"Huh?!" 

 

I stood there, my body frozen and my feet glued to the dirty tiles of the bathroom. "oh shit... so you had no idea? I am so sorry" she said.

 

I could have sworn I wanted to slap her right that very moment and just let the words fly out of her mouth. But all I could think was meeting Grace and having that opportunity was one off my bucket list so I'm not gonna storm out this warehouse and leave Sara alone.

 

"I'm still not following, what the fuck is going on?" I asked her in a sarcastic tone. Sara shook her head.

 

"I honestly thought Emy already told you; Stacy recommended a photographer; but that person's not gonna come without her. so you're the photographer for the rest of the week." Another shocker.

 

"you're gonna shoot us." she said smiling.

 

\---------

 

I was in bliss the moment we went out of that bathroom, and I just couldn't help but smile all through out the day. After the briefing and a small pep talk with Grace and Sara's stylist we went ahead and started the shoot.

 

During lunch time, Sara and I had a quick chat with Grace about Stacy, which was really awkward on my end cause I really couldn't relate; apparently Stacy's aunt and Grace are really good friends, and that's how she got introduced to Sara and started working.

 

She expressed that she feels a little regret for having to see them go through this rough phase but is happy that Sara's finally doing okay after weeks of hiatus while walking down the trail of a rough road, even saying that she's glad Stacy is off Sara's back for the mean time, as she's a lot of trouble for her these past few weeks. I feel bad having to listen to them talk about Stacy like that cause she's been really nice to me, but I don't really know her that well, so who am I to judge?

 

After lunch, Sara went under make up again, while I was lazing around the parking lot having a smoke. I checked my phones and my emails, so far I only had a few updates with Angela and a few missed calls from Emy and Tegan. I was about to call them back but Tegan rang already

"hello?"

 

_Hi Jo, how was the shoot?_

 

"It went okay, I guess. why aren't you here anyway?"

 

_I have my own solo shoot don't worry, I'll be there on the 3rd day. Sara say this feature is only for her eh?_

 

I laughed; "apparently you guys never said you were coming."

 

_Oh yeah. anyway, take good care of my sister, don't let her go to any lesbian clubs there, are we clear?_

 

"oh okay so I'm a baby sitter now?"

 

Tegan was laughing from the other line, and judging by the way she talks, I have a feeling she's a bit drunk.

 

"Tee, have you been drinking this morning?" she stopped laughing and gave off a sigh.

 

_Yeah. just a little though._

 

"Where's Lindsey?"

 

she chuckled again; But didn't say anything after that--it was just complete silence for like a whole 5 seconds until I cleared my throat

 

"Tegan is there something you're not telling us?"

 

Tegan breathed in

 

_She left._

 

"why? So, you're alone at my house?" I asked.

 

_yeah... long story._

 

"why don't you just come over here now then, maybe you can use some company?" I asked, sensing that she might need to be with someone. 

 

_I'll think about it._

 

"okay, well at least that's better than a 'no'. I don't take rejection that well."

 

_hahaha, I know right_

 

"shut up, I'll go back to the shoot now, see you soon"

 

_bye, take care._

 

"bye."

 

I hope Tegan's doing okay, she sounds a little too upset over the other line, and for her to call me up like that does seem a little too unusual for a normal Tegan.

 

I came back to the warehouse and on to the set shortly after my break; Sara's all dolled up for this one and I just stood there, surveying her face and her whole outfit; and for the first time I felt as if my gut was being stabbed a thousand times, seeing her stand there in the middle of the white sheet, lights all on her, shading the shape of her perfectly lined jaw and her bright hazel eyes.

 

An assistant handed me over the camera, but my eyes never came off of Sara; I may have seen her in magazines all made up and dressed to kill, but it just feels completely different when she's right in front of you. Sara caught my eye, and she flashed a smile at me; at that moment I just felt like I died.

 

"well, what are you waiting for?" She asked in the most teasing way.

 

I sighed and started shooting her; I was smiling behind the lenses and just couldn't imagine how I failed to see how beautiful this creature was for past decade that we've been friends. I guess maybe because she was with Emy, and I never really trusted her taste in women, but yeah, Sara is definitely one to die for; now I know what all the fuss was about.

 

We finished a few minutes before 5 pm, after meeting with a few creative people from the shoot. Grace and I had to chat a little about my portfolio and how I submitted it to one of vogue's office in L.A. and never got a response. Grace was surprised considering that when Tegan and Sara sent her my portfolio she was instantly impressed. I guess the portfolio never reached her.

 

We left at around 6:30 and was taken by a valet to the hotel. Sara and I shared a 2 bedroom suite; while I'm glad that we have to sleep on a separate room, I was a bit concerned that we're gonna have to share a common bathroom with a glass shower door and a hot tub; I'm finally taking privacy off my vocabulary for the next 2 days. Sara and I had a quick dinner from one of the restaurants inside the hotel before we decided to get back up to our rooms to enjoy a much needed sleep.

 

"can I sleep in your room tonight?" Sara asked right at that moment when I entered my room.

 

"uhh.." I said without turning around "why?" I added as I pretend to scramble through my purse and look for something.

 

"what I mean is, can we swap rooms?" Sara cleared her throat; I sighjlently sighed and turned to her.

 

"and why?" I asked again.

 

She pursed her lips and looked inside my room.

 

"uhh.. I Kinda like it when I can see the city through my window, and I'm basically seeing the bay instead. I mean If that's okay"

 

I shrugged. "okay, sure, I don't mind" I said.

 

I honestly thought she wasn't feeling the room, or if there were bad vibes or something. Sara smiled and said her thankyous before rusheing to her room, prolly to  
get her stuff out. I then went inside to take my bags out myself. I took my camera out first and decided to take picture of the city below before pulling my bags out of the closet. Sara came in as I was raping the shutter button from my 7d.

 

"nice view, right?" she said. I smiled and nodded in agreement.

 

"want to have a few glass of wine before we hit the sack?" I turned to Sara, still focusing my camera.

 

"If I say yes will you let me take this photo?" I asked her, teasing her a bit.

 

Sara chuckled "come on, you're wasting precious shots here babe" I said.

 

Sara flinched upon hearing me say the word babe; I kinda felt a little off guard as well,but It was just an instinctive endearment to a few of my friends, so I guess she shouldn't take that as a big deal.

 

"fine" she said as she put her hands on my camera and take it from me.

 

"Not until I take yours first." I tried snatching the camera back from her but she went up the bed and backed up a bit as she was pressing her way on the shutter

 

"No way, stop it." I said trying to cover my face. Sara was just sitting atop the thin headboard and still snapping photos of me.

 

"stop it, please, you're wasting shutterlife. come on.. please?" I asked nicely, but she didn't stop.

 

"okay, you're difinitely asking for it" I then climbed up the bed and immediately held her arm with one of my hands and the other grabbing the body of my camera.

 

"come on, you're such a kill joy, you've been taking photos of me all day, this is not fair" She said as she was trying to get off my grip.

 

"no, sara. please" I asked her again. she stood from the headboard and started wrestling me with her thin arms, until we both lose balance and fall off the bed.

 

My gut went on another summersault as I fall on top of sara, and our cheeks rubbing on eachother with complete friction, and I swear to God, I can feel the hair at the back of my neck stand up in static. Me on top of Sara in a king sized bed, our bodies pressed on eachother in a cold night in July was the least of the scenes I had in my head before we came here; there I found myself in yet another lost moment.

 

I lifted my face from her, and there she was staring back at me with a blank expression; but I can definitely feel her heartbeat quicken as she let out a deep breathy sigh. I swallowed and sat up quickly.

 

"sorry, Was I too heavy? did I crush your ribs?" I asked jokingly as I come off the bed and take my camera.

 

Sara smiled and did not move an inch. "yeah I'm fine."

 

God why is this happening? seeing her on top of the bed looking all enticing and shit, I shuddered a bit and shook my head, but this sight -- it's too rare not to immortalize it. I then immediately snapped as many photos as I can while she was lying in bed with her hands resting on her stomach, and her hair in a slight mess, with Sara taking turns in looking towards my lens and through the window. She's just too beautiful, and I'm afraid I might not control myself to jump up on that bed again and smother her with kisses, so I stopped.

 

"let's go get that wine" I said as I reach out my hands to help her up.

 

 

\-----------------

 

 

Sara and I were in a middle of a debate during our small wine/pajama party in the living room when someone knocked on our door.

 

"who could that be?" I asked standing up from the floor cushions.

  
still with wine in hand, I peeped at the hole but all I could see was an empty hallway, so I opened the door instead; and then there stood at the side of the door, Tegan.

 

"what the fuck? you actually came!" I asked as I hugged her.

 

"well.. how can I say no? I was too bored back at your house, and I miss you and Sara" she said from behind my shoulders.

 

"seriously? it's only been 24 hours" I said as I let go of her. "come on in" I said, leading her inside.

 

"what the fuck are you doing here?" Sara greeted Tegan as she come in.

 

They shared a soft pat on the arm as Tegan sat down with her on the couch.

 

I sat back on the cushions beside the coffee table and took a sip from my wine.

 

"Can I have one of those?" she asked as she remove her jacket.

 

"I'll get you a glass" Sara said.

 

Tegan closed in on me as Sara left for the pantry.

 

"did you tell her about LB?" she whispered. I shook my head as I stand up again.

 

"good" she said, leaning back on the couch.

 

I then sat beside her and leaned in for a quick talk while Sara was still away.

 

"so what happened? did she come home?" I asked.

 

Tegan shook her head, frowning. She took a quick glimpse at me and smiled but it quickly faded; Tegan looked as if she was about to cry, but brushed off her  
expression and smiled again. She see fidgety and started playing with her phone; definitely not a good sign.

 

"i'm sorry. did you talk to her though?" I asked as I loosen up on the couch and sit properly beside her.

 

Tegan nodded, and looked away. from how she's acting, I have a bad feeling that they have broken up.

 

"what's holding Sara up? I really need a drink, do you wanna take this down at the bar?" she asked.

 

I checked my watch ; it was 930. "I'm afraid we can't, we have a shoot at 6 tommorrow."

 

Tegan sighed, and scratched the back of her head. "alright then"

 

I then gave her a pat on the shoulder, hopefully to comfort her a bit and let her know I'm there to listen if she needs someone to talk to.

 

"it'll be okay."I said.

 

Tegan glanced at me and gave me smile. "I hope so".

 

Sara came back with a new glass, and a pack of dried prunes.

 

"here ya go" she said as she put them on the coffee table and sit on the lounge across the couch Tegan and I were sitting at.

 

"Talk" She said as she pour in some wine on Tegan's glass. Tegan and I looked at eachother in question, I shrugged, trying to tell Tegan that I didn't say anything  
to Sara.

 

"you're not coming here earlier than scheduled, just because you miss me.. or her. So what's the problem?" Sara reached out the glass of wine to Tegan and sat  
back up on the lounge, taking a sip of her wine.

 

Tegan sighed, took the glass and loosened up a bit. Sara knew, that without even having to say anything, that her twin sister is going through some issues right now. "Lindsey called it off."

 

Sara and I were taken back, we both have our hands up on our mouths in shock.

 

"why so sudden?" I asked. Sara shook her head.

 

"you know what, I might be surprised, and I don't really wanna say this, but I saw it coming" she said, as I feel her jaw tighten, I could just feel how angry Sara sounds- does she know anything about the break up?

 

"well, tell me about it, I thought we were doing okay" Tegan said, as she rest her elbows on her knees.

 

She then dumped her face on her palms and started to cry.

 

Sara took Tegan's and her glass away to the side table as she stand up. She then sat on the coffee table, facing tegan and holding her arms away from her face.

 

"hey, look at me." she commanded. "what happened?" Sara wiped Tegan's tears and swept her bangs off her face. Tegan just shook her head;

 

"It was my fault." she said sobbing like a kid.

 

I leaned in to hear her clearly, and rubbed her back to help comfort her.

 

Tegan looked at me and said "i'm sorry you have to be here for this"

 

I shook my head and gave a smile "don't be. It's fine" I looked up at Sara, her face was red, probably because of the wine, but she was glaring at Tegan, as if she's ready to attack Tegan or whatever.

 

"you okay sara?" I asked her as I take my hands off Tegan. But Sara was still looking at Tegan like she didn't hear me at all.

 

"what did you do Tegan?" She asked Tegan as if she didn't hear me say anything. Tegan swallowed and let off a sob--still crying her eye out.

 

"I.. I don't want to talk about it, it doesn't matter-- I just..." Tegan started to jerk her legs, giving me the impression that she might have cheated on Lindsey.

 

Before Tegan can even continue, Sara had to cut her off "---what the fuck Tegan? I told you, to keep your hands on your own pants, and talk it out with Lindsey. Not go get yourself by for the night" (what?) I was just sitting there, feeling a little too awkward, and embarrassed for Tegan.

 

Much as I wasn't surprised that Tegan possibly cheated on Lindsey, I still felt sorry for her for being left by the woman she loved the most.


	5. Don't Rush

I got up earlier than the girls, so I decided to get us breakfast before we leave for the shoot, it's 4 and Sara's still asleep so I decided to knock on her room to wake her up, but just as I was about to lift a finger, the door opened.

 

"Oh.. Good morning" Tegan greeted me. I smiled and greeted her a goodmorning too.

 

"Can u wake Sara up? We're gonna be late for the shoot if she doesnt get up now"

 

Tegan scratched her head "I kinda kept her up, We didnt get a sleep til 2am. She was up all night trying to hush me from crying" aww, geez. Poor Tegan, I honestly don't know how to comfort her from it.

 

"come here" I said as I pull her in for a quick hug, thinking that it's the only thing I can do to at least make her feel a little less worse.

 

Tegan hugged me back tightly and said "thank you. At least this time It's not just my sister's cold shoulder."

 

I chuckled. "Well.. You better get your act together and get Lindsey back" I said as Tegan slowly pulled away.

 

"Now that you mentioned, I dont know if I even wanna do that" she said.

 

I frowned; I don't know if Tegan has come to a better judgment but I feel bad if what they had for so long will be put to waste.

 

"Why not?" I asked her.

 

Tegan sighed "I dont know, I don't think she'll ever take me back after I cheated on her in a one night stand. It's a embarrassing." She said.

 

"It is. But that shouldn't stop you from making it up to her" she shook her head

 

"that's what I did, so I didn't stop her from leaving me." Tegan shrugged. "Anyway ill just take a piss if you'll excuse me." i just nodded and gave way.

 

Tegan then left for the bathroom, leaving me at their door. I don't know if that was her way of saying that I shouldn't meddle with her decisions; being a friend that was lost for a while and now back trying to be all comforting isn't always a good idea, and i cant blame her. I was not there for them long enough especially when their careers and love life went to a plateau. I just brushed the thought away so as to not start the day with negativity and peeked in their room, seeing Sara on the bed as I decide to wake her up myself.

 

"Sar?" I tapped her by the shoulder. "Hey Sara, wake up" I said, shaking her up a bit.

 

"Hmm?" She mumbled, moving a bit. I then removed her blanket to wake her up from the cold; Sara curled up and gave a frown with her eyes still closed.

 

"I'll be up in a bit" she murmured; I then pulled her blanket and rolled it up in my arms.

 

"it's 4:12, get up now or your coffee will get cold." I said leaving the room with her blanket.

 

\-----

 

The breakfast with Tegan and Sara was awfully tensed; no one was really talking. Tegan is obviously still feeling down as she was barely touching her food, while Sara's been staring at her this whole time but wasn't really saying anything.

 

"so Tegan, are you coming with us on set today?" I asked, breaking the silence.

 

Tegan jerked. "I think I'm gonna pass." she said.

 

Sara cleared her throat. "do you wanna get a room of your own though? so you can maybe sleep in your own bed tonight?" She asked Tegan, Tegan laughed but I was kinda worried of leaving Tegan alone.

 

"I don't think that's a good idea , especially that Tegan's going through a break up, I think she needs someone to look her over" I immediately suggested.

 

Tegan and Sara stared at me for a moment, trying to figure out why I was too eager.

 

Tegan scoffed and shook her head as she play with her salad."I'm not like you Jo, I'm not gonna kill my----" Sara elbowed her.

 

"oh.. sorry" Tegan said, bowing down. Again the dining table was filled with awkward silence.

 

"I think I'll go back to sleep now" Tegan said as she stand up and leave her food.

 

I just sat there, not moving a muscle and just staring down at my unfinished meal.

 

Sara rubbed my back and whispered "sorry bout that"

 

I forced a smile on her and said "it's okay. I should not have said anything in the first place"

 

I then gathered my food and threw it in the trash, leaving Sara in the dining area. "I'll just take a shower" I said without looking back.

 

I know I've totally gotten over my bad habits, but it feels so much worse when a friend rubs it in; I just hope Tegan was a bit cautious cause this was not a laughing matter to me. I guess I was being a little too comfortable when I told them that they can laugh with me at my mistakes.

 

\------

 

The shoot was exhausting; we had to go on 4 different locations today, and Sara wasn't her at best either. It was hard to get her to do anything unlike yesterday when I barely needed to tell her how to flirt with the camera. The day just didn't really start off that well considering that Tegan had to go all " _oh I don't handle depression with suicide, not like you_ " on me, apart from the fact that she didn't get any sleep either. We got back to the hotel to Tegan on the living room, watching TV on her sweatpants and empty bottles of beer.

 

"wow, you're really taking this like a real mature person." Sara greeted her.

 

"i love you too sara" Tegan said sarcastically without even looking away from the TV.

 

I chuckled. "you guys make me feel icky sometimes" trying to brush off the incestuous reference.

 

Sara smiled at me (something I've never seen the whole day) "well, aren't you sweet like that with Katrina?" she asked

 

I rolled my eyes. "come on, the age difference is 18 years, she could pass as my daughter if Y'all didn't know better." I said, removing my backpack from my shoulders. I'm glad the mood's gone lighter this time.

 

"by the way guys, I'm gonna go back down to the concierge" I said as I took my phone and wallet off my bag. I then left it atop the couch and grabbed me a beer form Tegan's side.

 

"why?" Tegan and Sara asked in unison.

 

"i'm gonna go get my own room." I said popping the cap open. I took a huge gulp of the beer and put it down on the coffee table. "i'll be back in a few" I said, leaving them in the living room.

 

\-----

 

I got myself into a 1 bedroom suite, just a few floors down theirs. I just had to do it, I can't keep up with the tension and I can't really let them sleep together in a room to avoid them from keeping eachother awake and not getting any rest; after all, this is still a job. I don't mind spending my own money if it's uncalled for, I mean if something that has to do with personal issues, I'm not gonna complain but I'll definitely do something about it in my own expense.

 

"did you get a proper room?" sara asked as I got back in. I nodded.

 

"pretty much the same, only it has just 1 bedroom" I said as I take my bottle from where I left it. I sat beside Tegan on the couch and drank my beer.

 

"since when did you start drinking from a bottle?." Sara said. as she cozied up on the couch herself.

 

"I remember when we used to hang out, you would use a straw with literally WHATEVER drink" Tegan added, sounding dumbfounded of how overly fussy I was when it comes to the things I put in my mouth. Apparently they dont have any idea how I apply the opposite principle when it comes to the things I put up my nose.

 

"I don't even know why I do that." I said shaking my head.

 

"that was the worst. I was like who the fuck does this girl think she is? it's fuckin annoying" Tegan said,trying to recall the very same facial expression she had when she saw me sip on the beer for the first time. Sara shook her head too and laughed.

 

"Oh my God, this conversation is so over." I said, as I cover my face in embarrassment.

 

Tegan messed my hair up like she usually does, and laid her amrs around my shoulders and pulled me in. She shook her head and said "Gosh, we missed you so much, you have no idea" I sighed and slightly raised my bottle as Sara raise her glass as we do an unassociated cheer. I drank my beer, while Sara finished her glass in a minute.

 

"I'm hitting the sack, see you guys tomorrow." Sara then left her glass and went for her room.

 

"what's up with her?" Tegan asked as Sara closed her door.

 

"I don't know, she was quite distracted today on set." I said as pull away from Tegan.

 

Tegan noticed that I was feeling a little awkward so she pulled her hands down to her lap.

 

Tegan cleared her throat. "need help getting your stuff down?" she asked.

 

"sure" I said.

 

\-----

 

Tegan and I brought my stuff down to my suite, and gave my room a bit of warmth as we consume an unopened bottle of vodka from the room's mini bar.

 

"I don't get it, why does this one bedroom suite have more alcohol that the 2 bedroom? We should definitely move out and get individual rooms" Tegan said as she survey the bottles.

 

I shook my head "since when did complimentary alcohol became your concern in getting a hotel room?" I asked as I

 

Tegan smiled at me "Since day one!" she said as she leave the bar. Tegan sighed and just sat on the couch. I then left for the bathroom to wash may face.

 

just as I was done, Tegan followed me in as she look around the suite. "this bathroom is cute, smaller but still nice" Tegan said as she open the shower door and peek inside.

 

"do you think Sara will get mad cause you left her just so you can look around my room?" I asked as I put on my eye cream.

 

"I don't think so." she said. I jerked; my eyes were closed and I didn't realize how close Tegan was, until she said those right into my ear.

 

And just as I thought it couldn't get anymore startling, Tegan slowly grabbed me by my waist and wrapped her arms around me

 

"what are you doing?" I asked her bluntly as I close out the cap of my cream container.

 

Tegan didn't even move away by my dull response, she was just leaning in on me and breathing heavily. I then slowly grabbed her arms, to remove it away, but instead I found myself tracing her tattoos.

 

"I never noticed how detailed these pieces are." I said.

 

I felt Tegan smile from the bare skin on my back.

 

"I almost forgot how sexy you look in these" she said, tracing the hems of the back of my tanktop, obviously trying to turn me on.

 

I then shook my head and decided to finally remove her hands off me as I gave an awkward chuckle, I then turned to her and said; "I'm not doing this again Tegan.. now If you'll excuse me, I need to get a shower." I said trying to just get away from her, even though I'm practically done with my night regimen. Tegan left with a blank expression as she leave the bathroom without a word.

 

If there's one thing I didn't miss about my friends, it was that time when I messed around with Tegan; everyone hated us for it cause we were both in a relationship then.

 

Tegan and I started sneaking out later in her relationship with Jen, but she never really caught us; Tegan then dated Teresa cause she ignorantly feels that it's unfair if I'm with Danny while she's single. What made me feel even worse about it is the fact that when Teresa broke it off (after she caught us in her hotel room in the middle of having sex,) she was already in love with Lindsey for years and she didn't even tell me, I was waiting on her but she pursued her instead, so I just ultimately gave up.

 

But now that Lindsey left Tegan, I don't know if I want to take this turn and make everyone think that Tegan broke it off with Lindsey cause she cheated on her with me, and I have learned to love Lindsey like a real friend and I know she feels the same towards me so I'm not fucking things up again.


	6. It was midnight

It was midnight

 

I tried my hardest not to cry-- I can't believe that even after years of hardly moving on from her, I'm back on that limbo again with just those simple things that she did. I wiped my tears as I run towards my room and lock my door, and tried to keep my composure so as to not give myself away to Tegan again; Not after all I went through just to keep my feelings at bay.

 

I stood in front of the dresser, tidying myself up after the shower and saying to myself in the mirror "you can't do this" over and over again. I've been doing this since day one; I took this job in cause I think Tegan and I will be okay-- but just as I thought the first time, everything I felt towards her came rushing in to me when I saw her at the airport; Not to mention Sara making me feel funny to my gut these past few days. I need to get my shit together, this is not what I signed up for. 

"Jo, come out please? I'm sorry" Tegan said as she knock on my door.

I cleared my throat "I'll be right out" I said in the most normal way possible. 

I changed into my pajamas and opened my door. "do you wanna eat dinner?" I asked her, Tegan nodded. "sure, Chinese?" I then went back inside my room to get my phone from the dresser to dial up. 

I made orders as Tegan got us vodka; bringing 2 glasses on the rocks inside my room. "that's all.. thanks!" I said to the operator on the other line as Tegan hand them over to me. I hung up the phone and went to sit on my bed as I put my phone back on the charger plugged into a socket at the bedside. Tegan drank her vodka straight up and sat beside me. 

"i'm sorry." she said. 

I looked at her, and poured the vodka down my throat. 

"no you're not" I said shaking my head. 

Tegan then quickly grabbed my face and started kissing me. "You know me all too well" she whispered as she part her lips inches away from mine, Tegan pushed me and before I knew it, she's already pinned me down the bed. 

"I may be drunk, but believe me, I've been wanting to do this since I saw you the first time after 3 years" she said, breathing heavily on top of me. 

I didn't answer back. No matter how badly I miss her and how much I wanted her all this time, I couldn't just let her get to me like this. 

Tegan leaned in for a kiss; but I moved my face away. Tegan was surprised by my resistance, so she sat up and sighed. 

She rested her elbows on her knees and dumped her face on her palm. I got up and sat close to her, as I hear her sob. 

"hey.." I called on her. Tegan then lifted her face and leaned on my shoulder as she succumb to her emotions. 

"I am so sorry" she said as I embrace her.

I shook my head, "it's okay.." I said as I rub her shoulders to warm her up a bit. I understand how hard this is for her, I am not in the position to tell her what to do, and I am after all her friend, and I am never going to judge her.

Tegan sat up again and faced me. "no... it's not okay." she said. "I've hurt so many people, I've disappointed the one person that loved me more than anything else, I'm a complete ass hole."

I felt my tears build up; I know all too well how awful it is to be hurt by this person. She's insensitive, yes, but Tegan's got a big heart; she may be impulsive at times, but I know how much she cares about the people she love. It's sad that she can't control her urges at times, and that all the things she did out of the spur of the moment is causing permanent damage to her and the people involved. I love Tegan, but she needs to be pulled back down to earth every now and then.

"I'm so sorry Jo." She said. My tears finally failed me and I just had to go for it. 

Tegan wiped my tears, and kissed my forehead. I thought that was it, an innocent kiss from an old friend, but Tegan's hands have gone farther down my neck. She started kissing my cheek, by my ear, and before I know it, our lips met.

I bit my lip and moved my face away again; But Tegan's grip didn't cease, instead she pulled me in harder and embraced me real tight that I couldn't even move my arms.

"Jo.. I need you. Please don't fight it.. Please." She said, sounding a little too desperate.

I tried hard to let loose; "Tegan, No." I said as I curl my fist. I can feel my core burning, and my body wanting to surrender to her, but I'm not giving in, not now when I've been through hell and back just to forget her. 

I found a way to move my legs off the bed, so I just held myself up and pushed tegan as hard as I can. Tegan fell on the bed, her face all red and wet from her tears.

"This isn't right, Tegan. you just lost Lindsey, because of this exact same reason. you just couldn't help yourself when your fucking urge calls you." I said holding back screaming.

I shook my head; "Aren't you sick of all this? haven't you learned from what you did to me? Do you think doing this will keep you from feeling empty? I am not Lindsey. You need her, you need the person you love, not some bitch that will help you finish off when you feel like it." Tegan looked up at me. 

This time she stopped crying. 

My own feelings just all poured in on me again; I couldn't help but breakdown.

"you just don't get it do you?" Tegan said. 

She then stood up and said; "I was doing okay, until you came back." 

" oh wow, now I caused ALL THIS?!" I raised my voice

Tegan scratched her head. "why is it hard to understand that I am doing this for you?!" she said in an equally loud voice as mine. I may be surprised, but this is not flattering. I feel ashamed of myself. I knew that I should not have gone here at all. 

"Oh please. You fucked a random slut, and your girlfriend found out, what in the world does that have to do with me?!" I exclaimed. I then walked over my bag and got a cigarette.

This is getting a little too ridiculous, I don't know if Tegan is just playing it on me so she get under my pants tonight, if this is the real deal. That this what I have been waiting for all this years, for her to finally choose me over someone, and not keep me under the sheets when the real girlfriend comes. 

I went over my balcony and lit my cigarette. My whole body was trembling with anger, I was shaking too hard that I can't even put the stick straight into my mouth to get a puff. My tears won't stop falling, I'm sobbing real hard and just the sight of the ground below is making me wanna jump off the balcony. I clenched my hands onto the railings as I talk myself out of it; I swear to God I just wanted my head to hit the concrete and end this fucking confusion. 

Tegan came to me at the balcony, and pulled me away from the railings. She dragged me back inside and locked the balcony doors. 

"look, I'm sorry." she said as I sit down the couch. "I'm sorry it took me this long to tell you this." I couldn't look at her, I smoked my cigarette and stared back at her as she sit beside me. 

"tell me what? that you regret hurting me? that you should have chosen me over any of your exes? what?" I said

Tegan's eyes narrowed as if thinking of something clever to say. "actually yeah. everything you said." she said nodding. I exhaled my last puff and killed the cigarette on an ashtray on top of the coffee table. "but you missed one thing" 

I frowned and stared at her in complete curiosity.

"that I loved you but I was too scared to give you everything one minute and then hurt you the next, like I did to these girls." She said, bowing her head down.

"geez, you can't even look at me, come on." I sighed. Tegan shook her head and moved closer to me, 

"what else do you want me to say to make it clear?!" she shouted at me. "I want you back. not in a job, more than a friend that you've always been, and more than the girl I messed around with." She said.

"but you had sex with someone else, that doesn't seem like you wanted ME." I said; I swear to God this is giving me the worst headache.

"I didn't have sex with anyone." She said in a low tone. Now this is interesting. "I lied to Lindsey, but that was just my way of showing her that I want out"

I then stood up, and glared at Tegan in disbelief. I bent down and leaned in on her, leaving a few inches in between us. 

"You.." I said as Tegan slipped her hand s on mine.

"..are a fucking coward" I pulled my hands away.

I then straightened "I need to go to bed Tegan." I said as I cross my arms.

Tegan started crying again, but her face was completely blank. she swallowed and slowly stood up.

Tegan walked over to the door, "I love you, Jo. I'm sorry I got stuck." She said as she stopped, but without turning her back. 

I couldn't help but cry when she left my hotel room. I fell on the couch and just cried my eyes out. 

Why is Tegan doing this? why of all people will she hurt Lindsey, when she could've just not started anything with her at all? they've been together for years and she threw it out the window just like that, it's stupid, it's insensitive. I hate Tegan for doing this, I hate her for being chicken shit and not facing her own feelings for me the right way. I believe Tegan, I truly do; but what she did was wrong, she should not have lied to Lindsey, and she shouldn't have made up something like that just to make her leave. 

But the part of me that wanted her so bad all these years won over me; I wanted her to stay in my room with me, I want her to spend the night here, I wanted her in my arms, I want all of her.

I wiped my tears dry and just ran outside, not knowing what'll happen if I do run after her. I opened my door, and to my surprise, Tegan was still there, leaning against the wall from across my door.

Tegan looked back at me, in that silent second, she knew that I wanted her back; I felt as if my heart is gonna explode out of my chest as we slowly walk towards me, and throw herself at me with a kiss.

\---------------------------------

If only I knew I would do this, years later, after I walked out on her, I should not have even left.

We locked our lips together as we lay in bed, while brushing away my thoughts right this very second. I've been trying to keep my composure for the past week I've been around her, and all I wanted was to be in this place with her right now, or else I'll explode.

Tegan slowly pulled away and stared me down right in the eye. I can feel her pain, I can see how sad she is and how badly she needed someone at this minute. 

Tears were forming along the line of her eyes, and I was expecting her to move away from me at that point, but instead she said "I missed you."

I gave off half a smile, and told her that I miss her too. She leaned in again for another kiss; I can totally feel how hungry she was for this; her lips were soft and smooth, but she's kissing me hard enough to leave bruises at the sides of my mouth. 

Tegan ran her fingers under my tank top and found its way up my chest; I let out a sigh of relief, knowing that feeling her warm hands on me, have proved this moment was real. I closed my eyes as I feel her in between my legs; as she slowly straddle me, she pulled away from the kiss and removed my top off.

"look at me" she commanded.

I opened my eyes as she grind herself on me, going harder and slower as it lasts. I let out a short groan as we stare into each other's eyes.

Tegan then closed in on me, kissing my neck and the back of my ears.

"Tegan.." I moaned.

I felt her smile from my neck; "I love how my name sounds on your lips, you know that?" she said as she lift her face back level to mine. 

I stared at her for second and grabbed her by her sweater, and kissed her; it was long, wet and intense. I couldn't believe myself for doing this, though I can't help but give in to her again.

She pulled away, and started kissing me on my neck one more time; as Tegan slowly found her way down my breasts, she looked at me, licked her lips as we share a playful stare.

I could feel my eyes rolling at the back of my head as Tegan had herself a mouthful of my breast, licking my nipple as they swell up like popping ripe cherries, sending unbearable shivers down south. Tegan knelt up and started removing her sweater, while I sat up and helped her out of it. 

As she bare herself to me, I helped myself to her sumptuous breasts even before I get the chance to see the rest of her flawless physique; I decided to give back the favor and play with her this time; we shared a kiss as I unzip her pants, and I didn't even wait until it's off her legs; I pushed my hands inside her panties and submitted to her wetness. Tegan breathed out heavily, and her hands on me slightly lost its pace while I touched her; immediately running her hands through my pjs and pulled it down to my thighs. 

Tegan gave me a rough grab on my shoulders and pushed me back, sending me down the bed, letting me see her body through the dim light on my bedside. Tegan pulled my pants further down,and threw it aside; she slowly traced her hands on my calves, up to my thighs, squeezing them as she come near in between them. She lied on her stomach and at that moment, I knew that I was gonna be thrown back to the same sensation that made me lose my mind on her, 8 years ago. 

Tegan started kissing me inside my thighs, at that minute, I grabbed the pillow under my head and gave her hand a squeeze. Tegan grabbed my hand back, and in a split second, she dugged her mouth in between my legs. I submitted myself to Tegan in no time; this is a familiar feeling, something I'd be willing to experience over and over again. 

She worked her way in, out and around, my juices pouring out unshamelessly as Tegan took it all in, even sucking harder on me as if wanting for more. 

I let out a loud moan, my throat starting to dry out from heavy breathing, but Tegan isn't stopping; her tongue continuously rolling as she engulf my fluids; I blushed in this dissolute moment as I feel my core warm up and my heartbeat rush. Tegan lifted her free hand and grabbed mine again, asking me to give her more and let her in further. I surrendered to her and let her make her way around, I stopped moving my hips and just pressed myself harder on her.

And just when I thought this couldn't get any better, Tegan slowly let go of my hand and inserted a finger on me. I quickly grabbed her hair, pushing her a bit deeper down. Tegan responded and slowly squeezed in her index finger. 

I let out another loud cry as she work her fingers in and out of me. Tegan lifted her head and licked my fluid off her mouth, then knelt and fastened her drive. She closed my legs, and lifted it up on her shoulder, hanging my knees over it, filling me in through my now tighter hole. 

She knew I was coming, but she didn't rush, instead she went on me slowly but deeply, until I started feeling that tingle on my clit. 

"tegan, don't stop." I said to her. Tegan smiled and kisses one of my leg on her shoulder, and went faster, helping her fingers in with her strong arms, almost ripping my lips off. 

I screamed as she finish me off and all I could say was her name; Tegan hovered on top of me, and dove in for a sloppy kiss; but I knew we weren't done yet-- so I pushed her up. This time I grabbed her by the hips and roughly pulling her pants and panties down. I pushed her down the bed and explored my hands down her wet pussy; it was a river down there, the more that I play her around, the wetter she gets. 

I was trying to be gentle and keep myself from hurting her with all the hunger I am keeping to myself, but Tegan was pulling my hands in further inside, and without hesitation, I pressed 2 fingers in, then 3, slipping in with ease down to her warm and dripping wet flesh. 

"You have no idea how long I waited for this." She said. I shook my head. 

"Not as long as I hungered for you, all this time" I said in response, as I deepen myself into her. 

Tegan threw her head back "Oh God." she moaned. "please make me come".

I then went down between her thighs and ate her up. Her taste and scent hasn't changed, it poured out on me like a splash of nostalgia; her body is like a portal, that shot me right back to the day when all we cared about was how we're going to please each other in bed. 

Tegan could't contain it anymore, she shivered to my song and gave off a loud moan as she squeezed my blanket. I pulled myself away and rode her, straddling her crotch as I feel her legs tighten, and tremble. We rubbed towards each other intensely, and I started feeling the heat in my core again.

And in that magical moment we exploded together. 

I couldn't believe how fast that took us to come, it was like we've been ready for it all this time, all we were waiting for was for our bodies to touch.

I then fell on her arms as she pull me in beside her; Tegan and I breathed heavily, as our warm bodies pressed onto each other as our sweat and juices dripped off our sore bodies. 

"that was.." I started. "out of this world, amazing." Tegan finished. we shared a good laugh before she wrapped me up in her arms and kissed me again. 

"I'm sorry." she said. 

I didn't know what she meant and what she was apologizing for, but It sent me fear of Tegan regretting what she just did, the last thing I'd want after tonight was for bitterness to cave in on me again. 

I sat up and looked at her. Tegan smiled and said "I need you Jo, please don't leave again."

I felt my heart skip a beat, I didn't know what to say. All this felt so wrong, but at the same time, it's all I've wanted for years now. All I could do was tear up and throw myself in her arms again. I didn;t say anything, but Tegan understood how I was feeling right that very second.


	7. Someday

Tegan woke me up after what seemed to have been seconds, I was feeling kinda cold, AND sore so I wasn't really in a good mood; but her kisses has sent me to a better place and the pain from this night's pleasure seem all so worth it.

  
  
"your food's waiting" she said as she tap me by the shoulders.

  
"oh my God" I sat up. "who paid for the food?"

  
Tegan chuckled "I did, come on, let's eat" she left the bed and helped me get up.

  
I realized I was completely naked so I went looking for my clothes.

  
"you know what, this is what I hate about you after sex" I started.  


Tegan frowned. "what's that?"  


I smiled "you throw my clothes away like trash" I walked around the room in bare skin trying to look for my clothes.  


"do you want me to just pick something up from your suitcase?" she offered as she point towards my luggages.

  
I looked over her and shook my head "no that's okay, just pass me that robe." I said pointing to the hotel's robe hanging by the hook behind the closet door.

  
Tegan then handed them over, giving me a quick peck in the forehead before she pull me in for a hug.  


"you sure you don't want to put anything on under that?" she asked as she trace her hands over my chest.  


I shook my head. "I'm fine in these" I said.

  
"okay" Tegan then gave me a kiss in the cheek before pulling away "I'll be right outside" she said.  


I nodded and gave a smile. Tegan left the room and closed the door.  


\------

  
"what time did these arrive?" I asked as I unpack some of the food in the pantry.  


 

"just a few minutes ago, like literally 15 minutes after you start snoring" Tegan said laughing  


 

I stopped what I was doing and flared a sharp look on Tegan. "I don't snore."

 

She stopped too and turned to me, giving me the same furious look while laughing. "Yes you do babe"

 

I hit her shoulder. "I don't." I was getting serious; again I don't snore. At least none of my exes have ever complained about it.

 

"yes you do. I mean how would you know that if you were asleep?" Tegan said as she continue to unpack the food.

 

"are you sure?!" I asked feeling all embarrassed.  


Tegan glanced at me and smiled. "No, I'm just messing"

 

  
I sighed. "I hate you".

  
\------

  
We finished dinner in a breeze, I was surprised at how Tegan is now filling herself up with these kind of food; very unusual of her.  


"it's kinda getting late. aren't you coming back up to your room yet?" I asked as we were lazing around the couch.  


Tegan shook her head. "I wanna sleep here with you if you don't mind" I then pulled away from her and sat up.  


"actually I do." I said. Tegan looked surprised. "I mean, Sara."  


Tegan nodded; she understood. "oh yeah. almost forgot about that"  


I chuckled "you're not gonna tell her are you?" I asked.  


Tegan shook her head and said "I don't know. I might not control myself, I mean we tell eachother almost everything. "  


I frowned. "tee." I started. "I know you're not ready to talk about this, but for now I just don't want to cause any... trouble. so let's not spoil it while it lasts. ok?"  


Tegan smiled. She touched my face and leaned in for a peck.  


"I understand. I'll keep my mouth shut." she said as she cozied up beside me on the couch.  


 

\-----------

 

  
Whatever happened to me considering Lindsey as a good friend? The thought of being back on that set up with Tegan kept me up all night.

 

I didn't know what to think of myself after tonight, am I being a complete slut for sleeping with Tegan a day after her girfriend broke up with her? Am I making a fool of myself for giving in to Tegan like that when she obviously wanted to just get herself by, cause she's lonely?

 

  
I honestly wanted to cry, and punish myself for being so stupid, but tegan's touch is still lingering on me, and I can still smell her scent in my skin and in my sheets; that alone is giving me hopes of being happy again, no matter how wrong it felt.

 

  
\-----------  


 

I woke up to loud knock on my door the next morning, I panicked and thought that I was late for the shoot or something, but I checked my phone and it's only 7 in the morning. I gathered myself up and went for the door, I took a peek on the hole and saw Sara standing there.  


I sighed and opened the door; "good morning!" I greeted her.  


Sara smiled, and came in. "I've been calling you" she asked as she head over to my couch.  


I closed back the door, and tightened my robe "I just woke up, sorry" I said. I'm confused as to why she's here, but I don't really wanna shoo her away.  


"well, what are you waiting for?" Sara said. I looked up at her in surprise, luckily she was busy browsing through her phone, so she didn't see how confused I was with that I just heard. "we're going out for breakfast." She added

  
"now?" I asked, all puzzled.  


Sara smiled and nodded. "it's our day off. Shoot was cancelled due to location issues" she said looking up at me. I raised an eyebrow.

  
"I didn't know that." I said as I walk towards my room.  


Sara stood up and followed me. "you're obviously not checking your business phone." she said, following me into the bedroom.  


I scrambled through my bags, and found it right at the very bottom of my purse. I immediately looked through the messages and opened them one by one. "oh okay." I said as I read through the unopened messages.

  
"so does this mean we're staying here for an extra day?" I asked Sara as I read through.  


"yeah, pretty much.." Sara said.  


I looked up at sara and said "I am so sorry, I totally forgot about this phone." in a chuckle. recalling how I told myself I'd avoid using that blackberry for personal use.  


Sara crossed her arms to her chest and smiled. "alright, you're forgiven. now go take a shower. we're gonna be late." Sara then went out and closed my door.  


 

\------

 

  
After I prepared, Sara and I went down to the driveway to wait for valet; but there's no sight of Tegan anywhere. I didn't want to sound a little too attached, so I decided against texting or calling her to ask where she is; I don't want to come off clingy on Tegan and give Sara the idea that I'm sneaking around with her again, so I didn't ask her either.  


 

The valet came and Tegan is still not with us, so I am assuming this is going to be what Sara promised. This made me smile as we ride the car, and I am trying my hardest to hide my blushing face from her. I hope my wayfarers are doing me justice and keep me from the embarrassment. Realizing that this might have been the date Sara was talking about, has sent me chills, and my stomach is doing that funny cartwheel feeling again.  


 

"where are we going by the way?" I asked as I look over Sara. She turned to me and smiled (God she looks so dashing in aviators-- how come she doesn't wear them that often? it definitely killed the screaming groupie in me)  


 

"it's a surprise" she said in her most subtly, mysterious and flirty voice.  


 

I bit my lip. Not because I'm worried, but because my ovaries just died at the sight of Sara and the way she played with simple words. It's amazing how she can say little but give it a million meaning. It 'better not be chinese though.' I thought to myself, I swear to God I can still taste the MSG from last night's meal no matter how long I've brushed my teeth and gargled mouthwash, it's still there. (blech)  


 

San Francisco has never interested me in anyway; but today was an excemption. It's as if every corner we drive past is memorable enough to make me recall this day if I wanted to, like every street sign is a constant reminder of what could be a moment Ill forever treasure, Or maybe I'm just overreacting; maybe I'm expecting too much from Sara. Lenny wasn't fucking around when he said I was being self righteous-- I guess I am.  


 

It was still early for us to actually come in to any of the restaurants in the bay area, most of them don't open until 11 in the morning; so I was just guessing my way through this date.

 

"are we there yet?" I asked Sara as we get past the 30 minute estimated travel time given by the GPS. Sara looked around as the driver pulls over a narrow street. Sara wasn't saying a word, she just kept mum the whole time.  


 

"where are we?" I asked  


 

Sara just smiled at me, still not saying a word. I'm getting a lil bit freaked out, I had no idea where we were, it was just a dirty, empty street, not a lot of cars around, and not one soul was walking along the alley.  


 

"didn't I tell you it's a surprise?" she said. We drove deeper inside the street we entered, and put her phone out to dial a number.  
"we're here" she said. In a second, she hung up the phone and put it back on her jacket pocket.  


 

The driver pulled over but did not kill the engine; then a guy came out of one the buildings and opened Sara's side of the car door.  


 

"it's been a while!" the man said.  


 

"Jo, this is Richard" Sara said as he rode the car.  


 

He looked like a model if my eyes weren't fooling me; Richard was buff and looks a bit Italian. "hi, nice to meet you" I greeted as I offered a hand. Richard took it, it was a firm but quick handshake. "you're late" He said. I frowned and looked at Sara. "what do you mean?" I asked.  


 

Richard smiled at me, making me feel kinda worried and nervous. It's as if I'm being kidnapped, and with the faces he and Sara is wearing, I think I'm up for a real surprise, I just hope I would end up getting out of this part of the town alive. I mean knowing Sara, she won't let anything bad happen to us, especially that she's got trust issues and would not just go any place dangerous, but this is really starting to freak me out; None of them answered me.  


 

We drove down a nearby building, a garage opened, and the driver parked the car inside.  


 

The lights from inside the garage were flickering, It felt like we were in a horror film, ready to be slaughtered in front of a million people.  


 

"sara, you better tell me where we're going and why, you're creeping me out" I said as I panicked inside the car.  


 

"hey, don't worry, you'll be fine." She said as she grab me by my shoulder and pulled me closer to her; I was literally so scared that I had to push myself closer to Sara.  


 

"I hate dark enclosed spaces Sara, you know that. I fucking hate you for this" I said as Richard opened the car door. Sara pulled me along outside with her. We walked towards a narrow hallway leading to a firexit's door to the inside of the building we just parked in; I can barely see Sara from the dim flourescent lights, but I can clearly see her smile at me as she pushed the door open.  


 

We walked in a white room, with tons of black frames hanging on the wall. I looked around, and saw a few people around with wine glasses at hand, talking to eachother. It took me only a few seconds to figure out we were actually in a gallery; I turned to Sara and smiled. "you could have just told me" I said. Sara smiled back at me, and slowly held me by the hand, causing a little tremor in me; I honestly have never felt this nervous with anyone, especially with a friend. I may be the type of person who would give malice to the smallest act of kindness, but this was the first time I felt this way towards Sara. It's weird, and it couldn't get anymore disturbing, knowing that I just had sex with Tegan last night, and now I'm out holding hands with her.  


 

She then led me further inside the gallery; "I'm gonna introduce you to them" she whispered as she slowly walk me towards the small crowd of people around an installation of paintings hanging on thin clear chords, all the way up from the ceiling.  


 

"oh you're finally here!" Said the girl in a green dress. Sara waved at her as we approach; "Sorry I was late for the early opening" She said.  


 

"your works are amazing, I never thought you actually take pictures and paint!" the girl in the green dress said as she shake sara's hand.  


 

Wow, are these Sara's works then? this is indeed surprising, I've seen a few photos she's taken a few years back and it's a big hobby of hers, but I never thought she'd actually attempt to practice it as a profession, but the 'painting' part is a revelation.  


 

"thank you so much! seriously, I appreciate you all coming in today" Sara said in a shy tone; she was just being really adorable and she's not even trying.  


 

She then turned to me, "this is Jo, by the way. shes a really good friend of mine and Tegan's.. oh and she's our new art director" she said to them.  


 

They were all staring at me like I was a piece in that gallery; they looked at me from head to foot, one person even took their glasses off, cleaned it and put it back on before they looked back at me. I honestly have never felt that much embarrassment in my life.  


 

"oh my God" A tall guy from behind blurted out.  


 

"is she that girl from that last piece on the collection?" he said pointing to the hanging frames behind them. "I knew she look familiar!" everyone then started to loosen up.  


 

"I knew it! I was like, 'I've seen you somewhere!'" said one girl. everyone else shared a good laugh, except for me.  


 

I frowned in confusion, and darted a glimpse towards Sara.  


 

"Surprise!" Sara said to me as she jerk off her shoulders.  


 

\---------------

 

  
I still couldn't believe what I just witnessed. I was in complete awe, to know that I was one of Sara's muse. She had me on canvass, no one has ever painted me before, and for her to be able to paint me without having to pose for it, is just amazing; and apparently she snuck through my camera and printed out the photos she took of me 2 nights ago and used it as a short photoseries. Sara said that she apparently only invited a few people over, for her opening to keep it intimate, but she didn't realize that people were already camping out, so she had to take that route. She also told me that the gallery was owned by Richard who happens to also be an artist and a really close friend of hers and Emy's. I then asked Richard if I could buy her artworks of me, but too bad they aren't for sale and she's only put it up there so she can show me off. How sweet is that? I honestly think, that this was, by far the most wonderful surprise I've had in a years.

  
  
"not bad for our first date?" Sara asked as we leave the gallery through the main entrance.

 

I just nodded-- It's not that I didn't know what to say, in fact I have so many things I wanna tell her, I know perfectly what I wanted to say to her, but her surprise has kept me in amazement until the very last minute we spent inside that gallery.

 

Her words pierced me right through the chest like a knife; I joked around and even fantasized about it; but I never knew that it is actually what I thought it was the first time we talked about it-- Sara and I are on a date.

 

"Tell me you fucking hate me again, come on." She teased.  


After visiting the gallery and talking to fans, Sara and I went to a nearby restaurant to have brunch, there we spent the next few hours just talking and catching up.

 

Tegan was never mentioned--- I even wished I didn't have to think of her after today; but I couldn't help it.

 

Though I check my phone from time to time, she still hasn't sent me a text message nor did I missed a call from her; well if she couldn't care less, I don't see any reason for me to even bother asking where she is, although I hope she's doing okay by herself.

 

  
In the middle of our conversation, Sara's business phone rang; "hold that thought" she said, as she pause; she then answered the call.

  
  
"this is she.. Oh hi, good afternoon,.." I bet the call was from New York. "yes.. really? can you send me a screenshot?.. okay.. that would be, sarakquin@teganandsara.com"  


I drank my glass of wine, and popped in some berries as I waited for her to finish off the call.

 

Sara then, still holding the phone to her ear, pulled out her iphone and started scrolling.  


"yes I got it. thank you... we'll see you next week, thank you so much for your help! I appreciate it, bye!" Sara then ended the call.

 

"that was from the sheriff's office, they got the footage of the security cameras from the apartment" She said.

 

"oh my God" I exclaimed in excitement, I really hope they catch the intrudder and secure Sara's safety. I then walked towards Sara as she open the attachment on her iphone from the email she got from them. We were really glad that they finally have at least the face of the person who broke into their apartment.  


 

But what we saw, both threw us back.

 

"It can't be" Sara said;

 

 

tears slowly run down her eyes, as she scroll down screen shots of the cctv, showing Stacy and an unknown guy, walk into their apartment.


	8. Back in your head

We got back to the hotel without speaking; Sara was still startled, and has not stopped tearing up during the drive back.

I wasn't speaking, and I felt bad for her to actually witness her girlfriend go to their apartment with another man and she didn't even know she was back in town that time.

"holy shit." Tegan said as she look through the photos through their laptop. We were sitting down at the living room, surveying the photos and really trying to see if it was Stacy, no matter how much I try to edit it, to clear up the image, or prolly look at it in a different perspective, the photos are screaming Stacy. Sara was still crying even after she settled her self at the hotel; poor Sara, Tegan and I didn't know how else to make her feel better. This is just strangely a bitter moment for both the girls, and I can tell that this is taking its toll on them; I just hope everything will go back to normal, when both of them were the good old fun, Tegan and Sara. I guess their career and personal lives will definitely have to go through this phase, but I can't wait for all this to be over.

"Should I call stacy and confront her now?" Sara asked as she wipe her tears while she survey the photos for the nth time.

I shook my head "No. I think it's best if you talk about it in person." I said.

"I agree, and that would definitely catch her off guard, at least you'd know if she's lying to you in your face" Tegan added.

Sara pursed her lips, "I'm just really mad at her. I-- I don't know what to think of all this now." Sara said as her voice broke. She rested her elbows on her knees and bowed down as she sob.

Tegan pulled herself closer to Sara and embraced her sister. "shh.. you'll be okay.. we'll figure this out." Tegan said, in an attempt to hush Sara.

\---

"how is she doing?" I asked as Tegan close Sara's door, leaving her room after she sent her to bed.

"not too good." she said walking towards me in the hallway. "it's like 1988 all over again back there" Tegan joked.

I gave off a short laugh and sighed. "I'm gonna fuck Stacy up, believe me. I swear by my life." Tegan said as she shake her head.

Tegan then leaned in for a hug, sending me back to awkward ville, as Sara was just right behind the wall. I can feel her heavy breathing and her heartbeat quicken; she's just as mad as Sara at this point. I am too, but I can't really stand in between cause for whatever reason Stacy has, for doing whatever it is that she did, I cannot say I can't judge her; she's hurt Sara and caused her danger.

"I'm so glad you're here with us. At least I'm keeping it sane." She said. "This is all just too much for both of us"

That made me think, if Tegan had the slightest idea where Sara and I went and why; I hope she knows and that she's okay with it, but knowing her, I doubt she'd even listen to me if it upsets her.

Tegan kissed my forehead and leaned her cheeks on mine. I sighed. Tegan pulled her face away; "are you okay?" she asked. I just nodded. Not wanting to start talking and not being able to control my mouth from speaking to her about how awkward our situation is.

\-----

The next day, Tegan and I left for the shoot, leaving Sara at the hotel. Sara never left her room, this was the very same thing she did the day she found out about the break in; I hope she's doing Okay. Tegan on the other hand also seem a little too distracted, there are instances that I catch her staring into space and mumbling words to herself. I am worried for these two, hopefully these projects will help keep their mind off things for a little bit.

We didn't go to the warehouse near the bay area this time, the shoot is being relocated to an empty building just near the same part of town where Sara held her exhibit. We even passed by the front of the building and saw a long line of people outside waiting to enter the gallery. I saw Tegan followed a look and smiled as we pass by; I bet she knew that it was Sara's exhibit, though she didn't say anything when she settled back to her seat. I'm still trying to figure out if I should tell her that I went on a date with Sara or not; I don't think it's necessary since Tegan is just clearly on a mending phase, but at the same time, I think that, as Sara's sister, Tegan needs to know, though Sara and I haven't spoken about it yet-- I don't think this is the right time.

\----

We fixed the set before I come over to take videos and photos of Tegan for their book and dvd.

I entered the dressing room, and caught Tegan in a dillemma.

"can you tell me which color suits me better?" Tegan asked holding up two tops on both hands, one in moss green and the other in grey.

"the green one." I said pointing to the top on her left hand.

Tegan then returns the other outfit back on the rack and removes the one I picked from the hanger. Tegan then removed her shirt, exposing her torso; she was wearing a black push up that's really plumping those big boobs.

"oh sorry." I said as I turn around to avoid myself from drooling over her fit, flawless body.

Tegan chuckled, "come on, don't act as if you never saw any of these the other night." she said

"you are such a tease" I said, still not looking back at her. I then felt her hands slowly sweep my hair from my neck, putting it asidemy other shoulder. I shuddered from her touch, but she definitely sent me to space when she kissed my neck from behind.

"am I?" she whispered into my ear.

I chuckled and shook my head. "not here Tegan" I said.

Tegan then went in front of me and locked the door behind us. She then carefully took my camera from me and placed it on top of a nearby dresser. She came back to me, this time with her hands on her back. She quickly unclasped her bra, grabbed my hands and placed them on her chest.

"now you tell me we can't do this here." she said. I wanted to pull my hands back, but the feeling of Tegan's bare chest on my palm is like magnet-- Her soft flesh, and her smooth skin, and her heartbeat, were all in my hands and I couldn't resist the urge to have something this beautiful in my reach.

I looked at her, and let out a breathy sigh. Tegan quickly closed the space between us and pushed her lips on mine, causing my hands to clench firmly onto her breasts. She moaned as I slide a finger around her nipple, diving her face further mine as our tongues explore eachother. I was lost in my head again for a moment there, but by some doomed fluke, someone knocked from behind the door I was leaning my back against. Tegan pulled her lips away and said "I'm still trying clothes on, I'll be out in a few!" Tegan then pulled me over to a wooden stool, she then sat on it and pulled me by my butt, leading me to sit on her lap. I rode Tegan as she kiss me, while her hands were busy finding its way inside my shirt. She slipped her hands under my bra and lifted them above my chest, exposing my breasts.

"well someone's feeling cold" Tegan said, as she feel my hard nipples. I chuckled and shook my head.

"fuck you." I said.

"yeah, fuck me." Tegan then lifted her head towards mine and kissed me again as she pressed my hips down, harder on her.

I was ready to slide my hands down her unzipped pants, when someone knocked again.

"are you done yet tee?" said someone from behind the door. Tegan and I both stopped and tried to recall the familiar voice.

"fuck." we said in unison as we stare at eachother, as we hear a familiar voice calling her out; We then quickly fixed ourselves; I helped Tegan put her bra back on as she slip her arms on the green top I chose for her.

"yeah I'm done, wait a minute" Tegan called out. as I approach the dresser and grab my camera.

"shit!" I said as I see a smudge of lipstick from my lips.

Tegan smiled at me and gave me one last kiss before she open the door, not knowing what to do, I just had to quickly wipe the smudge off and turn my camera back on and pretend to review some of the photos.

"hi." Tegan greeted calmly, I looked up at her and to my surprise, saw Sonia and Sara enter the dressing room.

Sonia turned to me and exclaimed "JOANNE!" oh God. she quickly walked over to me and gave me a tight hug. I never thought I'd see her here, but it does make sense since Sara is having an exhibit for the first time, I'd understand her Mom won't want to miss that.

"It's nice to see you again Sonia" I said behind her shoulders as the girls look over me with a grin.

Sonia slowly let go of me and surveyed me; "you're looking great dear..I'm so glad to see you!" Sonia said as she put arm on my shoulder and rub my back. I smiled at her, and glimpsed right over the twins.

\------

Sara and I stayed outside the dressing room while Tegan and Sonia talked, I was in a corner beside the fire exit, smoking a stick of menthol, while Sara was reading a book in a couch near the set. I was just in complete shock to see them both here; my head and abdomen are throbbing, both from an unfinished drive. I just wanted to punch the wall I was leaning on as I feel my clit pulsate; I wanted to let this out but I don't know how to excuse myself from Sara just so I can masturbate. I killed my cigarette while I let out a thick smoke, I then walked towards my backpack to grab a gum and spray some alcohol to remove the scent of the cigarette. I then went towards the set to do some test shots; also taking photos of Sara as she was reading.

"you're at it again, huh" she said, still reading.

I smiled. "you're not complaining right?" I asked as I continuously take shots. "by the way, did Tegan see your works yet?" I asked.

Sara nodded. "did I mention she actually helped putting up the artworks yesterday?" she said.

I froze; Tegan then knew that I was part of the collection. I stopped taking pictures, but I just brushed the idea off and moved to a different angle.

"she was up too early, and came back to the hotel all exhausted. That's why she didn't join us at the gallery yesterday." Sara added; still not looking at me.

I wasn't talking, I just kept taking her photos so as to not sound too interested. Though it made me think that if Tegan was supposed to be with us yesterday, it isn't gonna be a 'date-date' between me and Sara, but just merely a fieldtrip with my bosses; but what about my pieces? what does Tegan think about them? was she surprised as I was? how did she take it when she figured I was an inspiration to her sister?

I finished taking Sara's photos, so I rested and sat beside her.

"I hope you don't mind me asking, when did you paint those?" I asked as I browse through the shots that I just took.

Sara then closed her book and crossed her legs. "you should know.." Sara looked at me. "apart from writing, I paint my emotions away. When I'm sad, it's like, I'm being possesed by a God of art. I let out my frustration through a piece of paper or a canvas" she said. we shared a good laugh about that 'god of art' part; classic Sara.

"just like you, I used to self harm, Jo." She said as she lift her left sleeve and show me her Bear tattoo. She pulled my hands and allowed my fingers to trace scars from that part of her arm that was covered by the tattoo. "that's a constant reminder of how stupid it is, to hurt myself further than I already have." she said. I then slowly let go of her and pressed my hands together.

"Boy am I proud we've gotten over that phase" I said as Sara pull down the sleeve of her shirt.

She also smiled and said "me too."

"..so instead, I write, and I paint. that day when you and Tegan found the drain pipe, I stayed in my room for hours" she laughed, as she raise her head and look into space. "I ended up painting you. and everything felt better." Sara looked at me, she wasn't smiling, but she wasn't frowning either. A blank expression on her face, already said a million words, telling me that I was what made her happy, somehow.

"oh and uhh.. the last piece on the gallery I actually did that last minute last night. When I saw you and Tegan at the couch.. I was just...." Sara said. She then shook her head and smiled. "nevermind"

Sara slowly looked down at my hands and held them; we stared at eachother for a moment, but was immediately interrupted when someone went out of the dressing room.

"are we ready yet?" asked Tegan as she and Sonia approach us

I jerked my hands away from Sara, and quickly stood up to go the camera. Tegan noticed this, she raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms to her chest as if waiting for me to explain myself.

"yeah we're ready." I said. Tegan then nodded.

Sara walked away with Sonia, and stood right behind me as the crew does a few final touch before we begin.

I started taking photos as Tegan posed; she was giving me her typical 'serious' bad ass look, that I'm actually growing sick of,

"can you do your signature 'fake laugh'?" I jokingly asked , not stopping from taking photos.

Tegan scratched her forehead

She shook her head and said "I'm not in the mood for that, can I try something else?"

"alright." I said, removing the camera off my face.

Tegan then went off set and asked for the wooden stool from the dresser to be brought out in there. The same stool where we were supposed to have sex on a couple of minutes ago; now THAT is interesting.

A crew member put the stool in the middle of the set; Tegan then smirked at me and sat on it; I smiled and shook my head as I raise the camera to my face and start taking photos again, trying my hardest not to recall the scenes from the dressing room.

These two people are by far the biggest confusion in my life, sometimes it makes me wish that Sara and Tegan are one person-- but they are like a package that comes with a plus one, Sara is not Sara without Tegan, and Tegan is not Tegan without Sara. They should've come with a warning at least-- they compliment eachother so well I don't know if I could actually get by with one of their characteristic without it feeling like something is missing. Sara is a real sweetheart, very sentimental and she will definitely make you feel special, and you don't even have to have sex with her to let you feel that she wants you. Tegan is the rougher version, and very sexual-- obviously from all our sex sprees I think she's established this persona that a simple wink already screams sex; she will definitely do everything to get her hands on you, but despite that, she makes you feel protected.

My idea of Tegan didn't change at all, I still think fondly of her and always will; But sara, she's completely changed my perspective of her, she excites me; as if every bit of her is a surprise, as she's only opening up to me now. She scares me; I'm afraid that if she continues to be this warm, I might oversee whatever it is that Tegan and I have. While I'm also terrified of my feelings for Tegan, we both know that I can never control myself from falling back to her, it's the thought of that unforgivable betrayal of dating her sister that's now bothering me. I came here with a wall that I built and kept strong for years, only to have her walk through it like a piece of thin skin.

This past 2 days I've thought about leaving the job, and just go back to my safe zone and live the life I left behind before I saw them again after 4 years. It's getting complicated as days go by and I'm sure that the time will come where the 3 of us would have to talk through it, or just drop it like nothing happened-- but that's not what I want. I want them, both of them; or no one at all. I may be selfish, but I can never think of letting go of something this good. I know I'll definitely burn in hell for this, but I'm enjoying it while it lasts. At the end of the day I may have to choose, or maybe I have to just let go of both of them; I'll never know, and I don't want to know what I'd be without them.


	9. So Jealous

The last time Sonia saw me was during the twins' birthday in 2010; that was the last time we celebrated before my accident, and I looked horrible then-- so I'm glad that she finally saw how much I've improved. She was one of those people who convinced me to go to rehab, and I constantly communicated with her even after I left the facility, she practically treated me like family. We've been planning to meet a couple of times but never got the chance to do so; that's why this was really a great time for me to see her in person after almost 4 years, and I'm pretty sure we have a lot to catch up on.

After the shoot, we went out for dinner; Sara didn't want to visit the gallery while it's still open, to avoid them from being swarmed since they're with Sonia, so we stayed in a french restaurant just a few blocks away til the gallery closed out from the public. When we reached the corner near the gallery, some fans were still outside, so we drove back and took a turn down the same route that Sara and I took yesterday.

"It's amazing how popular you guys are now, I can't even wrap my mind around it after all these years." I said as we enter the gallery from the back door.

Sonia laughed while Tegan scoffed. "it's fun yeah, but it's really pissing me off sometimes. Don't get me wrong I love them." she said.

Sara smiled and shook her head; "it's unbelievable sometimes. people hack emails, even Stacy's instagram was once hacked. It's just.. I don't know."

We entered the gallery and were welcomed by Richard. Sara then immediately toured Sonia around, while Tegan and I walked around the gallery.

"so how was your little fieldtrip with Sara yesterday?" Tegan asked. I felt chills when she spoke; she knew.

I cleared my throat and said "It was... surprising." I smiled. I was being careful not to say anything too obvious. I was amazed, but I didn't know how Tegan would take it; that her sister is giving me all this weird feelings.

Tegan and I then went towards the paintings "It's great how Sara is so much inspired by you. I couldn't even believe how she keeps these details on her head." she said.

"I know, right?" I said, while still feeling amazed as I look over the paintings again.

Tegan slowly elbowed me, "It makes me feel a little jealous to be honest. but I can't blame her." she said. "I'd understand if you inspire people with your beauty and talent." I just rolled my eyes and shook my head. Tegan's prolly just messing with my head, I don't honestly think I'm all that; but I kinda feel a little flattered by it. But yeah, I think that's what she's trying to do; flatter me.

"whatever" I said, walking away towards some of Sara's other works. Tegan followed me around, giving me playful grins every now and then.

I went over the snack table to get some wine, Tegan was now busy talking to some of her and Sara's friends. I wasn't really in the mood to socialize that night so I just sat down on one of the couches there, and took pictures of the few remaining guests that stayed in till closing time. Sara was very busy, she was giving Sonia a tour around the gallery, while talking to Richard on the side, doing paperwork and stuff; which I think is a smart way to make her forget her problems for a moment. I don't really wanna be part of the problem, so I guess I;ll just keep my thoughts about us to myself; I don;t really wanna add to her dilemma.

Right after we closed the gallery, we all decided to just go back to the hotel and get some needed sleep. Tomorrow is our last day here in San Francisco, and things are catching up earlier than they expected, so we're starting the real work by the time we get back to LA.

Back at the hotel, the 4 of us had to sit around the photos that Sara received from the sherrif' office to show them to Sonia. She was completely displeased with what she saw and was completely speechless. Though still hoping that Stacy might not have anything to do with the damages in the apartment, this is still something that Sara was mad about. What could they have done in her apartment and who was that guy in the first place? and how come Sara didn't know that she actually went to NYC without her knowledge? She knew that even though they were on the rocks, she was still holding on to something that will fix this up, I know Sara's way around a relationship; hers and Emy's was something I got to experience first hand, and I know that somewhere deep in that heart of hers, Sara still loves Stacy.

I will not take into thinking the things that Sara and I had for the past few days; it's nothing compared to what she and Stacy had. This is not me making way, this is me letting her work her way around it the way she knows how. It's not like we were officially dating or whatever, it's clearly just an innocent date between two old friends; I get it now. Although this also does not give me a ticket to getting back on the road with Tegan. I'm still trying to figure her out; I might know her all too well in this kind of situation, but her intentions are still vague. And if she will pursue me this time, I want it to be done the right way; I want her to talk it out with Lindsey.

\------------

My alarm went off this morning 2 hours after I woke up, I had to get up early and pack my stuff, cause right after the shoot, we'll be heading back to LA. I've only had 3 hours of sleep, I was up all night talking to Sonia, when sent me off to bed I kept tossing and turning as I think myself through what's happening with my life so far; it has given me the worst headache, worse than that night at sunset marquis,

After taking a much needed shower, I fixed myself up for the shoot and collected my laptop from the living room where I left it yesterday. My photoshop is still open from the last editing I did with the cctv footage from Sara's apartment; I was just about to close it when I saw something very familiar from the footage. The guy that Stacy was with, was wearing a deep v-neck shirt, exposing tattoos on his arms, chest and neck; and those tattoos look very familiar. I'd be damned, if this guy was who I thought he was. I nervously reactivated my facebook and searched this old friend from New York; I have no idea why I didn't realize the resemblance early on, but this is hopefully gonna open up new evidences for the investigation. I looked for photos of his tattoo, and there it was-- I couldn't be wrong, and the closeness is very undeniable.

I still couldn't believe myself; this person can be Sara's worst nightmare, and bring a lot of trouble to her and Stacy. I don't really want to just come up to her and tell her that I know who Stacy was with that night and what they could have possibly done inside their apartment; although that will make a whole lot of sense, especially the reason why there was a gunshot in the bathroom and I'm pretty sure there were more of it in the apartment, the fbi probably just didn't tell Sara yet, or maybe there aren't any others, but who knows.

For the first time since the incident, I finally felt scared; of my safety and everyone else's. I just hope that when this is all done, we can still go back to our normal lives without having to fear for our security, especially that of Sara's.

I settled my laptop on my bag quickly after I turned it off; I was trembling the whole time and I could feel my chest tighten. I don't know how to say this to Sara, I couldn't find the right words to say without it actually causing her to worry more. Maybe I can tell Tegan instead, or maybe directly to the police; cause if I don't tell this to anyone and they find out that all this time that I know this person, I might be the one in trouble. But knowing this guy, he's gonna raise hell on me and my friends if I tell them who he is.

I went down to the lobby with all my heavy bags, and just went outside at the driveway for a smoke; I've been trying to avoid smoking, but everytime I become this nervous or worried, I couldn't help it. I was in the middle of smoking when someone suddenly gave me a hard tap on the shoulder, I jerked, accidentally dropped my cigarette and immediately grabbed the person's hand.

"OW!" Tegan exclaimed.

"OH MY GOD! I am so sorry!" I said as I quickly remove my hands from her.

Tegan then pulled her arm in and slowly massaged it;

"you gave me a fright, I'm really sorry." I said reaching me.

"don't touch me monster" Tegan joked, still stroking her arm. I laughed and gave her a hug.

"I'm sorry.." I said behind her shoulder, rubbing her back.

"you're gonna pay." Tegan said with a naughty smile; Oh I know this smile all too well.

I just shook my head and smiled back at her.

"where's Sara and Sonia?" I asked as I fix my backpack on my shoulder.

"they're on their way down." Tegan said; "and uhh.. by the way."

Tegan closed in on me for a whisper "I told Mom about us." I frowned, and glared at her.

"wh--what did she say?" I asked, fidgeting. What the fuck Tegan, what happened to keeping your mouth shut?

Tegan sighed and pushed her arms in her jacket pocket. "she was upset that I lied to Lindsey." I nodded and scoffed

"well, I was just as upset I'm pretty sure she would be." I said.

Tegan licked her lips and swallowed, "she doesn't mind though, I mean she likes you, A LOT. but she didn't like how I fucked up with Lindsey." she said looking down at her feet.

"what about Sara, does she know?" I asked, the worry is too obvious on me so I loosened up a bit.

tegan shook her head. "Sara's gonna kill me." she said almost laughing.

"why do you think so?" I asked in curiosity. Tegan shook her head. she looked at me, but she didn't speak.

"what?" I asked roaming my eyes around in curiosity cause Tegan was just staring at me and not talking; she wasn't smiling.

"you think I don't know about you and Sara?" she asked; I felt the hair at the back of my neck raise. It's not like there's something I have to be nervous about, I mean Sara and I aren't a "thing" so I don't think it's a big deal.

"what do you mean?" I asked, I feel like an idiot.

Tegan smiled. "Sara likes you. I know you know." She said

I looked up and bit my lip. "I don't want to seem conceited, so I'm not reading her body language like that." I said, still trying to shoo Tegan away from the thought.

"well.. Sara's been talking non-stop about you since Emy retired. It was really her who wanted you in for the project. It wasn't until she asked you out that I actually felt the threat." she said.

I frowned. I'm a little bit confused, but what the heck, I wanted to smile from what she's telling me.

"before you guys left for LA, she was telling me she'll ask you out. I was just like, 'oh no, don't do that, bad idea'." Tegan laughed and shook her head. "I got paranoid for a while there, so.. I plotted my come back."

I shook my head. "wow" were all I could say, remembering how she lied to Lindsey. "Aren't you feeling any "regret" from all the trouble you've been to just for this?" I asked her, as I point to myself, I know it may have sounded like joke to her, but I'm just really worried about all the mess I caused.

"no.. youre worth it." Tegan said, giving me a soft smile. She then slowly slipped her hands on mine and held it tightly. Yeah right; If I was really worth all that trouble, she would definitely tell Lindsey about how she feels instead of lying like that to her. "and uhh.. about Sara.. It's your call. You can tell her about us, or you don't. But I'm not gonna say anything to my sister, I believe it's your part. but please don't hurt her. Hurt 'me' if you must."

I slowly pulled my hands off her grip. "and it's yours to tell Lindsey about what REALLY happened." I said. Tegan's smile faded, and bowed. Just in time to break the silence, Sara and Sonia came.

"goodmorning Jo" Sonia greeted all smiles, as if she never scolded Tegan. I caught Tegan looking at me, she then gave me quick wink and walked towards Sara as Sonia come up to me.

"did you get some sleep? sorry if I kept you up" Sonia said, apologizing for staying up with me as we catch up on things.

I smiled "nah, that's okay, I enjoyed talking." I said, as she put an arm behind my back.

The valet then pulled over the driveway, we got in and drove down to the location, while Sonia was sent to the airport to come home to Vancouver.

Today I'm shooting both the girls; we'll be doing a "twin" theme today where they wear the same outfit, same hair, same make up. Tegan was relishing the moment while Sara was obviously having a bit of a bad day but came around after a few shots; and they're just extremely adorable. As usual, my thoughts were flying away during the shoot and I found myself thinking about personal stuff, this last day was particularly distracting somehow.

\-----

"Hey Jo.." Sara called as she approach me while I was helping the the crew pack up.

"what's up?" I asked as I brush my hands off a few dust from some of the equipment.

"uhmm.. we have a bit of a.. change around." she started.

Sara bit her lip, looking a little too concerned. "okay, what about?" I said, trying to figure what she meant.

"we actually moved recording, to next week .. so we're all getting a couple of days off, and recording will be in LA" she said, crossing her arms.

"oh.. alright, I guess that should be okay, I mean, I don't have any plans, so.. a few days off is fine by me. and LA sounds great!" I said.

"well.. that's all.." Sara said. I then nodded,went back to what I was doing, so we can finish early so we can still catch the flight back to LA.

"oh, and one more thing." Sara followed up, I looked up at her, "yeah?" I asked as I was still trying to figure how to friggin put the light in the box without ruining it.

"I cancelled your flight to LA tonight." I frowned. what does she mean by that?

I stood and rested my hands on my waist. I was already looking all puzzled and a bit worried, but Sara was smiling like a mad dog.

"YOU, cancelled my flight?" I asked her, almost sounding like I wanna strangle her. Why the hell would she do that for? "are you like, leaving me behind?" I asked, making a face

Sara was still smiling, she shook her head, turned around and walked away from me. I then scoffed and followed her around, and trying not to scream at her in annoyance. I don't understand what Sara's trying to say, it just all seem ike she's playing a game on me of some sort.

"Sara, wait up! you can't just leave me here!" I said in a loud voice.

Sara stopped as we exited teh restaurant we just shot from. She faced me and said. "Of course I'm not leaving you here. We just pulled a few strings."

I shook my head in confusion "I don't underst---" before I could even finish my question, I noticed Tegan standing in front of the bus door. It's their tour bus, parked at the other side of the street.

"we figured you get sick by flying so.. tegan and I decided to use the tour bus to get back to LA." she said as I look over the bus and Tegan. "we're going on a small road trip." Sara added.

I then turned to her and said "are you for real?!" Sara just grinned at me.

I shook my head and let out a sigh of relief; finally, now I can sleep with ease in travel and not worry about how I'm gonna survive if the plane crashes.

I pointed a finger to Sara and said "you.. I HATE YOU, the two of you." Sara and I grinned at eachother, I then pointed over to Tegan who just jerked her shoulders while shouting "surprise!" I shook my head then turned around back to the restaurant to finish wrapping up. That was anothe shocker, I never really thought they'd take into consideration my motion sickness, but I'm really glad they're being thoughtful despite what's going on. Though I'm still contemplating whether to tell anyone on the road about what I found out about the guy Stacy was with that night, or not; I don't really wanna ruin the good vibes. Then again maybe I should tell Tegan at least; that way I can give them a heads up.

\------

We hit the road around 2 in the morning, leaving us 3 exhausted from having to stay up late the night before, and do the shoot till late that night. It was just us 3 inside that bus, and the driver, who luckily was able to sleep through the whole day before he drove for us. I stayed in a bunk just below Sara's, while Tegan took her usual spot right across mine; it wasn't my first time to travel with them in a tour bus so this was really familiar to me.

I was able to sleep through the drive somehow, waking up at 630 in the morning just in time for the sunrise. We were already down at the freeway and the sight of the pacific ocean through the bus window is just really majestic. I rememeber travelling at this part of California is what makes the long drive worth it; I really wanted to open the windows, to feel the cool air but the girls preferred the aircondition from the scent of a morning breeze so I decided against it. This made me miss the beach, surfing and spending the afternoon watching the sunset and spend the rest of the night around a bonfire. It's a shame that this particularly magical moment makes me miss Andy; but I shook the idea and just rested my chin on my arms leaning on the window sill.

"wow look who's up early?" I looked around to see Tegan scratching her eyes and smiling at me as she makes her way over to the couch.

"goodmorning" I greeted. She kissed my forehead as she sit beside me and cuddle up. "I'm still really sleepy" she said as she dump her face on my neck.

I chuckled; "you sleepy head, you need to wake up to see this sunrise." I said as I push her up slowly. Tegan pulled away and sighed as she rest her head on the couch.

Tegan turned to me. "want breakfast?" she asked.

I shook my head "I prefer just coffee." I said.

Tegan smiled and shook her head too. "you're gonna wake Sara up just by the smell of it. I wanna keep you to myself for now while she's still sleeping." she said. Tegan slowly held my hand and kissed it.

I smiled and leaned in for a kiss. That was just wrong; apart from the fact that Sara and I had an understanding, she was just 10 feet away from us and I'm on the couch making out with her sister. But what is more bothering is that I was thinking of Sara, while Tegan and I were kissing. My eyes were closed, imagining that it was Sara's lips brushing onto mine, her hands caressing the arch on my back and her fingers runnning through my thighs at sunrise. I opened my eyes and see Tegan's face right next to mine; her eyes were closed, and she was breathing heavily, I can tell she was in the moment, that she wanted me more than anything else, and surprisingly, the thought of her next to me again, didn't make me cringe. Am I feeling the same towards Sara the way I wanted Tegan? Is it even possible to actually fall in love with both of them? How hard will it be to let go and just choose to be with either one? Does it pain Tegan that I am on this "thing" with her sister? What does she think of me then? Just so many things going on in my head all at the same time.

I closed my eyes back and just pulled Tegan closer, as I wrap my arms around her waist; so I'd feel a little more at ease. I just love how Tegan's touch can calm me down and make me forget about my worries for a while. She slowly pulled away from the kiss, and held my face; she breathed right into me and smiled.

_"I love you"_


	10. Alligator

Tegan's words pierced right through me like a butcher knife. I felt my heart somehow ache to her voice. I've always wanted her to say those words to me for years now, but I'm surprised at how it ran into my head; I was still at that moment thinking of Sara. I was worried that if I say something to Tegan, it might push her away, or Sara might drift away from me and I don't want either to happen. I bit my lip and just kissed Tegan again, harder this time as I brush my palm under her sweater and up on her breast; I just couldn't help myself. Tegan chuckled and slowly pulled my hands away from her skin; 

"hold your horses.. not here babe" she said. I then stared at her, and sighed; feeling embarrassed of my sudden urge. 

"I'm sorry" I said laughing and shaking my head. Tegan laughed too, 

"I'm irresistable I know, but please.. keep it calm, especially with Sasa around" she said.

Well, at some point in my disappointment I felt a little assured then; that it's okay with Tegan that we don't act like a couple in front of Sara, not that we are actually a couple, but at least we act like one in bed. She gave me one last kiss on the cheek before I decided to stand up and brew some coffee, and Tegan was right, just a few minutes when the coffee's aroma started to fill the bus, Sara woke up.

"Good morning" Sara greeted as she leave her bunk. "That smells so good! Did you brew enough for us 2?" She asked as she approach me in the pantry. 

"Yeah, i guess this will fill more than 2 cups." I answered as I check the water level. 

Sara then rested her head on my shoulder as she yawn. I shot a look at Tegan, whose eyebrow just raised; another familiar look shes giving me whenever Sara and I touch. 

"You slept well?" Sara asked. 

I nodded "yeah" 

she held her head up and rubbed my back "good" she said. 

She then slowly pulled away, but brushing her hand down to my bum as she move away. I ignored it and just avoided any eye contact from Tegan as I pretend to get me and Sara a cup. 

5 mins passed like an eternity; i was just standing right in front of the coffee maker waiting for the brew to finish as the girls talk on the couch. This is an awkward scene, It's different from when the 3 of us are together in a room with other people than just the 3 of us alone in this empty bus. . Just as I was about to pull the kettle off the maker, the bus slowly went to a stop.

I looked around and saw Tegan by the bus door. "You gotta see this jo" Tegan called out.

I left the kettle and walked towards her as the bus door open. The bus hazarded on the side of the free way, and as I walk down, I felt the streak of the sunrise. I breathed in the cold sea breeze as I walk towards the concrete barrier with Tegan. 

"This is beautiful" I said as I savor the bliss of the sunrise from the pacific ocean. 

"Yeah it is." Tegan said. 

I turned to her and saw her staring down at me as if telling the beauty of the sunrise on me. We smiled and looked at the horizon in unison. And just as I close my eyes and feel the warmth of the sun, I felt a nudge on my shoulder from my opposite side. I looked and saw Sara handing me a cup of coffee as she join me and Tegan. I took the cup from her as we shared a warm smile. I jerked and remembered to take a photo of this scene so I pulled out my phone and snapped photos of the girls and the sunrise. 

This is one of those moments that I wish would last forever. Being with the 2 people I care for the most while the sun greet us to a new morning (Not to mention the scent and taste of coffee slipping in to my senses) and just standing in front of the ocean as if nothing in this world will ever ruin the day for us. 

\----------

During the rest of the drive back home, Sara stayed in my bunk (which is hers in the first place) and dumped herself to a copy of A Thousand Splendid Suns. While Tegan and I were busy reviewing photos I took from our trip in SanFo. We stumbled upon the footage of the cctv on my laptop. I cleared my throat and took it as a sign to tell Tegan what I know about the guy on the pictures. 

"Tee.. Do u recognize this man?" i asked her in a low voice. Tegan looked around to see if Sara isnt looking or evesdropping. 

Tegan was hesitant so I just went for it. "David rivers. Ring any bell? I asked. 

Tegan's eyes widened. I felt just as surprised of her reaction. 

"He's one of the cooks and dealers I do business with a couple of years ago" I said. 

Tegan closed in on me and said "I know what he does, but I never thought you'd recognize this guy. Please, jo, whatever it is that this guy may be doing with Stacy, dont involve yourself in it."

When I thought I had a revelation up my sleeve, I was the one who was in for a surprise. 

"So you know? how? Did you tell the police?" I asked. 

Tegan nodded. "I recognized him from one of the parties Stacy hosted like 5or 6 months ago.. Sara doesnt really know him cause he was there for like 5 minutes. I guess he delivered 'party favors', but I saw him and Stacy by the door, so Stacy had to introduce me. I could not forget those tattoos; I actually liked them." she smirked. 

I swallowed. "oh I can't forget him alright. I just wonder what Stacy was doing with him in their apartment though"

Tegan just stared at me with a blank face. She quickly held my hand and whispered. "It's best if you don't tell this to anyone especially Sara. Just let the police handle everything. We're so close to busting Stacy's ass and it is in our best intentions to keep you out of it." 

I figured Tegan is not gonna tell me anything, though It's quite clear what's going on. Possibly Stacy may have been using and David is dealing her the merchandise; I mean he's cooked and sold drugs, so this is definitely going to ruin reputations if any of this go public. I just nodded. And softly pulled my hands off Tegan's grip. I cleared my throat and continued on browsing the rest of the photos. 

\-------

The bus dropped us off at a parking lot in Burbank and from there we were driven by Valet to Tegan's apartment. We walked up to her unit, and to our surprise, Lindsey welcomed us. She was in the middle of packing her suitcases and Tegan's light mood suddenly turned tense. Lindsey greeted us with a happy face, but the pain in her eyes are definitely showing. Her eyes are swollen and she looks like a complete mess. Sara and I greeted her and gave her a light hug before I decided to invite Sara out the apartment after we brought our bags in.

"oh thats ok, you don't have to leave, ill be out in a few." Lindsey said

"u sure?" I asked. She smiled and nodded.

"come on.." Sara said as she turn away for the dining area, leaving Lindsey and Tegan in the living room.

"Well that was awkward" sara said as she settle in on one of the dining chairs. 

I sat right beside her and said "yeah.." I was just feeling light headed, so I rested my elbows on the table and wrapped my palms on my head. 

"are you ok?" Sara asked. I lifted my head and looked at her; 

"'I'm fine" I chuckled. 

Sara remained quiet, as if knowing that I'm feeling a bit guilty. 

"I feel bad for them." She said as she cross her arms and lay eyes on the two from across the room. 

"Me too.. Just.. Too many things going to waste just for one night of mistake" i said. 

Sara shook her head "you have no idea Jo.. " she said. 

I looked up at her "do u think Lindsey's going to ever forgive her?" I asked. 

Sara bowed and said "i think, in time." I nodded. "I mean.. first hand, I think you should know the answer to that.." she said. She was right, why am I even askin that??.

"oh.. you're right." I said 

I felt like Sara noticed that she might have somehow made me feel uncomfortable, so she kinda broke the ice by heading towards the fridge.

"want anything?" she asked as she open Tegan's fridge.

"just water.." I said as I observe Tegan and Lindsey's faces as they whisper to eachother from afar. 

\----------------------------

Sara and I couldn't really stand the uncomfortable scene from around the living room so we had to leave them there to talk and just get lunch. The talk took longer than we expected so we just gave them their space. I'm kind of nervous, and a little bit on jealous side to be honest. I have never really spoken to Tegan about her and Lindsey except for that time when I asked her to actually tell her about us. I never asked how she feels about her and that if she still feels the need for Lindsey to be around. I just hope everything will turn out for the better after they talk. Sara didn't speak, there was also a bit of awkward air from the 2 of us; I must have been too obvious. 

"can't we just eat out and ask Tegan to come over when Lindsey leaves?" asked Sara. That's actually a great idea, cause I don't really wanted to deal with the tension again. We left the apartment so they can deal with it on their own; so I just texted Tegan

"here @ Mohawk bend, will be waiting for u for lunch." 

Sara and I ordered the food, but we decided not to have it served till Tegan comes, so we just had a bit of wine. Sara was still reading through a thousand splendid suns, while I was busy taking photos-- as usual. 

"tegan replied to you yet?" Sara asked closing her book; 

I looked down at my phone and saw no messages, I checked my business phone, and also no messages.

"nothing." I said, shaking my head. I sighed and closed my lens cap. 

"Am I the only one who's feeling nervous for them here?" I asked Sara as I remove my shades.

Sara smiled; "of course I am too, and I'm starving; do you think I should call her?" 

"err.. I don't think that's a great idea" I said, giving her half a smile.

"should we go back up there?" Sara said. putting the book back on her bag.

I hesitated, I mean I wanted to check up on them, but at the same time I'm feeling a little lazy to go back up the apartment, but my jealous self couldn't help it. 

"you know what I think we should check up on them" I said. Sara and I gathered our bags and asked the waiter to reserve the table for us when we get back. We took our time by walking down over to the building so then maybe we can see Tegan if she comes out before we reach the apartment.

From behind Tegan's door, I let out a deep sigh before I open it; Sara came in first, and I followed right behind her-- but they weren't there in the living room.

"Tee?" Sara called as we get further inside her apartment.

"do you think she might have gone down before we got up here?" I asked as we look around the kitchen

"probably." Sara said as she stand from the balcony to see if Tegan is down at the driveway. 

I then decided to come up to the bedroom door and check; I twisted the doorknob and from there I felt a creek on the wooden floor. I clinched; and I felt my heart skip a beat as I play scenes in my head of Tegan and Lindsey in bed for a break up sex.

I opened the door wide, and my thoughts actually came to life.

I felt my head throb, my tears slowly fill up my crown, my breath shorten and my heartbeat heighten as I see them both on bed naked.

Tegan quickly got off the bed and ran towards the door

Her face was all red and her eyes were swollen probably from crying; "I'm sorry" she whispered in a trembling and breaking voice before she closed the door back on me.


	11. City Girl

I don't know what got into me when I heard the creek and didn't even stop there, when I knew that this is exactly what I was about to see. But part of me wanted to actually see it for myself to leave Tegan with no excuses for this.

I wanted to open the door again, and knock Tegan down to her feet and tell Lindsey everything she told me and what we did. But my otherself wanted to just let it go and leave it alone; Though anger is raging inside me, it's not worth it.

I wanted to fall on my knees and breakdown, for the nth time Tegan has hurt me, and I can't really feel like the victim here, cause I allowed her to do it to me. I wiped my tears and turned around;Sara was there, she saw it herself, as she was just right behind me.

"oops" I said as I walk towards the door. "looks like Tegan's already taking her lunch" I said looking back at her.

I smiled, but Sara didn't say anything, nor did she reacted; her face was just blank, as if she was expecting all of this to happen and she just let me see it for myself. By the look in her face I can definitely tell she knew what was going on.

"let's go, I'm starving" I said as I open the door.

Sara then sighed and smiled as she follow me out.

"that is so typical of Lindsey. I can't even believe why she's still staying with her" Sara said as we wait for the elevator.

"what do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean, come on Jo. you know Tegan. she's got a reputation and if there's one person in this world who knows her better than me and Mom, that's you." She said, facing me.

I sighed "yeah." I chuckled and shook my head.

"she's cheated on Lindsey for so many times, and Lindsey just couldn't resist her charm" Sara said as she shake her head too. "I was kinda expecting them to get back together, but not like this. it's not even a week from when they broke up. This is gonna get ugly believe me" She chuckled and looked up at the elevator door as it open.

\------------

Sara and I had a bountiful lunch and just ate my feelings away. I wanted to see Tegan again and just slap the bitch out of her, or maybe I don't ever wanna see her again, I don't know. After today, we'll be going on a bit of a vacation till the start of recording and I'm gonna take my time to leave this behind me.

Our valet for Santa Barbara came just in time after our lunch, so we headed down to Tegan's driveway. Tegan was already there waiting for us as she look after our luggage; Tegan's face lit up when she saw me walk down the path towards the entrance of the apartment. I didn't smile back, and pretended I didn't see her smile at me. We helped loading our bags on the compartment, and as Sara was busy talking to the concierge, Tegan grabbed my arm and pulled me aside.

Tegan faced me and I can clearly see that she just cried from that close, she sighed and tears started to roll down. "look, Jo, I'm sorry.. whatever you saw back there, I----" I had to cut her off.

"hey, why don't you just shut the fuck up and stop playing your games on me? just this morning you told me you love me" I swallowed as I felt my eyes warm up from my own tears. "and it's not even the end of the day and you're already having sex with your ex girlfriend?" I said as my voice broke and my tears gush down my face.

I wiped my face dry and cleared my throat "I'm done.." I whispered. I gave one last sniff and forced a blank expression on my face.

I pulled my hands away, and look Sara's way, luckily she was still busy talking to the concierge so she didn't see us. I quickly rode the car and close my door on Tegan. She was just standing there, as if waiting for me to open it again and talk to her; but that is never going to happen. She might have hurt me more than once, but this was the most painful-- When I thought Tegan and I are finally going through the better path, she just proves herself to be that same douche bag she was in the first place. I thought we had it right this time, and I thought she's changed but all this was just another joke. I wanted to give in to her, I really do, but she's hurting me again like she didn't even mean it when she said she loved me and that I was all she ever wanted; she can be a big liar most of the time, but when those words come out her mouth, I know it's true; But I can't take any more of this.

I wiped my tears as I cough and keep my composure. Tegan was still there, she even tried opening my door, but luckily I locked it. I looked at Tegan as she tap on the window, but I just shook my head on her and gave her a smirk, as I stop myself from crying.

Tegan just wouldnt give up, so she went to the other side of the car and opened it, but just as she was about to enter, sara blocked her way.

"you;re not coming with us are you?" Sara joked as she give Tegan a hug-- Sara and Tegan bid their goodbyes, I waved at tegan and gave her a fake smile but I immediately shifted and rested my elbows n the arm rest as I lean my chin on my palm.

"you okay?" Sara asked as she settle herself in the car. I looked up at her and forced a smile.

"yeah." I said as the valet sped up.

\----------------

Sara still decided to stay with me at Santa Barbara to help cut the costs so she doesn't have to rent a place in LA for a week til the start of recording. I still couldn't believe what I just witnessed back at Tegan's apartment; I felt as if talking to her like that wasn't enough to let her know how hurt I was. The whole time we traveled back to my house, I was forcing myself to sleep, so as to avoid Sara from seeing how upset I was.

\----------------

After Sara and I arrived at my house, I drove us down a nearby trader joe's to shop for groceries. A few people recognized Sara along the way, and tweets and mentions on instagram just flew off the radar. Funny how people are also gossiping about who I was; apparently these new fans didn't have any idea that I was an old friend so some of them assume that Sara and I are dating; and we just had a good laugh out of it. But at the end of the day, as I drive us back home, I was still thinking of Tegan, and I'm pretty sure Sara is still thinking of Stacy.

We got back and immediately fixed the stuff in my cabinets and my fridge, right after, and had dinner.

"You sure you don't need any help?" Sara asked as she put in our plates in the sink.

"yeah I can handle this" I said as I clear the plates.

Sara cleared her throat. "About Tegan and Lindsey.." I stopped moving, as the sound of Tegan's name just sent me shivers. She just went for it; sometimes I wish Sara isn't so blunt like she is when she write her songs.

"what about?" I asked casually as I continue washing the dishes. This conversation better be done before I can even finish this off.

"You don't have to pretend that you're okay with it." There goes my sanity.

I dropped the plate on the sink and just sighed. I then rinsed the soap off my hands and faced Sara.

"what do you mean?" I asked.

"It's okay, you can talk to me about it." she said "I mean, we have an understanding anyway so.. I think it's just fair if you were being honest."

I gave off another sigh, trying to stop myself from crying.

"sara, you don't have to do this. All I wanna do is just forget. okay?" I said as my voice broke. I tried to go back to the dishes but I snapped.

"and I'm sorry." I said as I tore up. "I didn't know what I was thinking, I mean I like you.. a lot. But I was feeling things for Tegan and I... I don't know." Sara went closer and embraced me; all I could do was just cry.

Sara definitely knows.

"I wanna fucking slap Tegan earlier today, you have no idea." she said as shook her head. "I was ready to give up on you, I mean.. I almost gave way to her when I figured you guys were going that direction, and here she is, back with Lindsey and just, putting you aside like nothing happened." I frowned.

"so she told you after all?" I asked as I slowly let go of Sara. At that point, my anger went off my head for Tegan, she lied.

"no she didn't. But the way you guys act and look at eachother, gave you away." she pursed her lips.

"oh God." I just dumped my face in my palms in embarrassment. "I just really don't know how to tell you.."

"were you going to dump me?" She asked as I look up at her. I was caught off guard; I didn't realize that I would actually have to deal with this question earlier than I expected. I was still in the process of weighing my options, so I really don't have an answer for her.

I shook my head. "I don't know" I said as my tears flowed non-stop.

I swallowed. "I was torn between what I was feeling for Tegan and how I wanted her to be just like YOU." I said. "I am so sorry.."

Sara just nodded. "Don't be. I blame myself, to be honest." she said.

"why?" I asked. I then pulled a tissue paper from beside the sink.

Sara chuckled "I've always liked you. I think you were really cool.. I figured I like you when Emy introduced you to me, but I thought you were too young, so I kind of not noticed how great you were.. until just a few months ago.. I've been reading about you recently.. so.." she said referencing the 8 year difference. Tegan was never bothered by it, although I did think it was a pretty smart move of her to tell people she fancied older women so no one would think that she will ever mess around with me and that I was being a complete slut at 17 when Tegan and I started going out. "..I blame myself for not knowing you better earlier."

I wiped my tears and smiled at Sara. "don't blame yourself. it's not like it's your job to make sure I'm not hurt."

"it's not. Believe me, I could only care less.." She scoffed. "..if only I didn't like you too much."

I smiled.

"I hate you.." were all I could say, I bowed down to cover my flushed face as I can't help myself from smiling.

"I'm not trying to flatter you, okay? I just.. I'm still upset you didn't tell me yourself. But yeah, I can't really blame you if you're THIS confused." I looked up at Sara and just embraced her again.

"I'm really sorry.. But this time I definitely know where I stand." I said as I rest my face on Sara's shoulder.

\-------------------------

5 days passed so quickly as we spent the past few days on vacation. Sara and I spent quality time together and I'm surprised as to how she adapted to my hobbies-- she wasn't really complaining. We would go for a run every morning,laze around and watch movies, have a couple of people around for dinner. Though what really amazed me was how much she enjoyed the beach with me. Sara isn't really an outdoor person, but she loved swimming and surfing with me--it gave her skin a much needed tan and it just looked really good on her. I pretty much enjoyed every single day I spent with her-- and to think that we never shared a bed, we didn't even have sex and yes, we haven't kissed either. I know Sara all too well not to waste her time on someone she's not attracted to physically and really wants to know if she's gonna spend mindblowing sex with this person, if not then she just aint going to spend her precious time in desolation. I'm still hoping that whatever we have is something special; something I don't need to prove through sex; or maybe she's not feeling comfortable with it yet-- I'm not rushing things anyway.

We were just coming home from surfing in Goleta one Friday afternoon, when I saw a familiar car parked right outside my driveway.

"I'd be damned." I said as I park my car.

"hmm?" asked Sara

I shook my head. "that car, does it look familiar to you?" I asked as I kill the engine.

Sara immediately came out of the car bringing her bag and towel. I locked my doors and joined her as she survey the car; I sighed as I thought to myself that this was the car that dropped Stacy off at the airport 3 weeks ago. I have already told Sara that Stacy sent me off along with Emy; she took it lightly, and she could only care less about Stacy; all she wanted now was to just get the investigation over with. I ran inside and quickly looked around the house; I saw Emy at my backyard, and just as I was fearing, Stacy was with her.

"Do you realize you've brought a criminal in my house?!" I said to Emy in rage as I approach her.

"what are you talking about?" Emy said. I rolled my eyes over to Stacy and walked over to her.

"Get out of my house before I call the police on you." I said to Stacy.

"I just need to talk to Sara please." She said as she start to cry.

"Stacy?" Sara called from behind. Stacy, Emy and I looked back at her. I sighed, as I see Sara cry as Stacy run over to her and embrace her.

\---------------

I'm on my 4th stick in the first 30 minutes that Sara and Stacy were talking inside as Emy and I sat on my backyard. I can hear screaming, and crying and cursing from inside and I just couldn't help but be stressed out by what's happening.

"why are you doing this?" I asked Emy.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what else to do with her, she's begged me to tell her where you live for days now." She said. "I mean I might as well bring her here with me instead of just letting her come here on her own"

"Do you have the slightest idea, what kind of trouble you're causing?" I asked as I look up at her. "and do you know what the fuck that girl is capable of doing?"

Emy scoffed "what is all this fuss about anyway?" she asked.

I stood up and took a puff. "I know you're friends with her, but I'm telling you now to stay away from Stacy. She's trouble, please just trust me"

Emy stood too and crossed her arm as she tried to understand what I was saying. "can you please explain all this, at least?" she asked.

I killed my cigarette and let out the smoke. I sighed and said "Stacy supposedly went into their apartment while Sara was in Montreal, and brought a guy in with her. They were the only ones who entered the unit after Sara left for and before she came back, so we assume they caused the gunshot, and all other things they did inside, we have no idea what."

Emy ended up covering her mouth with her hand in surprise. "oh my God." she said. "I am so sorry."

"you could have called first." I said as I calm down.

I just sat back on my chair and just dumped my face on my palms.

"I'm really sorry" Emy said again. I was just sitting there, and I didn't answer her

"and do you know who she was with that night?" I said as I remove my hands from my face.

"who?" she asked as she sit down.

"She was with David." Emy's eyes widened

"Are you sure?! like, how would he know Stacy?" She asked in complete awe.

I shook my head. "I dont know. We're guessing she's cheating on Sara with him, or maybe she's doing business with him and using Sara's apartment as a den. I have no idea. I'm trying not to get involved, and THIS isn't helping with that."

Emy was still in shock; the dumbfounded look on her face is making me nervous; she was obviously really scared now.

"don't tell Stacy or anyone what you know about this.. and please stay away from her." I asked her. She just sighed and nodded.

My back door slid open and Sara came out with us to the backyard.

"emy, you 2 need to leave now..." Sara said "Please."

"don't tell anyone okay?" I whispered, holding Emy's arm.

Emy embraced me and said "I won't"

She slowly let go and gave me a cheek and also embraced Sara.

"I'm sorry." Emy said. She pulled away and waved goodbye before she entered my house.

Sara and I followed Emy inside; Stacy was in the couch, her elbows resting on her knees and her palms covering her face as she cry.

"stacy, we need to go." Emy said. Stacy looked up at her and wiped her face dry. She stood and fixed her hair and face me.

"Well you win, she obviously chose you. Just please.. take care of Sara." She said. Stacy then turned around and walked towards my main door. Emy then followed her out, but just as Stacy opened the door, she turned around.

"oh.. and uhh.." she wiped her tears, "David says hi." Stacy gave me a devilish smile before she left my house, while Emy gave me a worried look, and closed the door on us as Sara walked in front of me.

Sara faced me and said "Who's David?"

I just froze there, as my past suddenly knocked on my closed doors. I can see myself in Stacy--- that same dazed look on her face shows exactly how I was like when I was still on a high with David and his friends. I left New York to stay away and I never thought that after 3 years, I would be haunted by my worst nightmares. First there was Tegan, and now David; my mind can only take so much of this stress and worry.

I fell on my knee as I felt my body tremble in fear; 'David's gonna kill me' I thought to myself as pictures of David's gun on my head flashed in my vision. I tried brushing the thought away but the more I fight my head, the more I'm losing control of my body; I felt my head fall as I saw David's face smudged with blood, I reached my arms out to push him away. I tried opening my eyes and saw Sara, but everything is starting to blur out.

_"sara, make him go away"_


	12. Come on Kids

_"you have got to try this" David said as he drew me a line on the coffee table. I just woke up from a downer and I'm completely wasted; I haven't gone out for 3 days now, and I honestly don't know how to stop. I wanted to, but my body is not doing me any justice and it's draining me; I feel like I'm gonna die if I don't shoot up._

_I dragged myself off the bed and literally had to crawl up to the couch._

_"where did you get this?" I asked as he give me a rolled up dollar bill._

_David sniffed "I cooked this" he said._

_"really, well this better be good" I said. I then bent down and snorted the line._

_That was the most divine line I've ever had, I was immediately hooked and I couldn't stop myself._

_Line after line, I was getting higher and higher than I have ever been for this past few days._

_My last sniff has sent me to a spinning spree, I felt as I was twirling around in outer space._

_"wooh! that was the shiiit!." I said as I fall on the floor._

_"hey.. bitch get up" David said as he softly kick my arm, I couldn't move. I wanted to move but my body's glued to the floor._

_David then put out his gun and knelt "hey.. if you don't get up I'm gonna fucking kill you" he said laughing as he slide the barrel on my cheeks. I was scared that he might accidentally pull the trigger on me as a joke, I was crying, I can feel my tears filling up my eyes but my body is stuck._

_"oh fuck, you're alive!" David exclaimed in glee as he stood, but just as he stood up, I heard a loud bang from his gun. "SHIT!"_

_I could feel pain in my stomach, I rolled my eyes down and saw a pool of blood stain my carpet and my bare belly._

_I saw David kneel back again, he held my wound trying to stop the bleeding, but he just messed up his hands. He was talking, but I can't hear him, I can't hear anything, I can't hear my breathing and I can't feel myself anymore, David held his forehead, and stained his face with my blood. He grabbed me by the shoulders and lifted me, I want to wake up, but my body is locked down, I think I'm dead._

\-----------------------------------

I felt my jaw struggling to move, I can see my arm but I can't lift it, i can barely open my eyes, but I struggled and pulled myself up the bed.

I let out a scream and gasped for breath as I sat up from the bed I was lying on.

Someone held me from the right side of the bed and embraced me

"shhh... calm down, you're gonna be okay"

I was tearing up as I woke up and looked around to see Sara on my side, her arms wrapped around me.

"what happened? where am I?" I asked her.

"We're at the hospital.." She said. "you passed out when Emy and Stacy left."

I sighed and closed my eyes as I try to stop myself from crying; Sara kissed my head and just rubbed my back to calm me down. I was being paranoid; it's as if I knew someone was going to just bust in the room and kill me.

\-----------------------------------

We got back to my house the next morning after I was discharged from the emergency room, but I felt unsafe staying there now that Stacy knows where I live; I couldn't risk our safety anymore. Sara and I agreed to leave my house and move out to L.A. as soon as we can, so we arranged our travel plans and packed up as soon as possible.

She also called the management and asked if there's a way they can have us escorted out the city; Kim thought it would gather too much attention but she was really concerned about us, so she called for a meeting later today here in Sta. Barbara. I have never felt this scared for me and Sara, I'm not risking our safety; I know we're only about to stay there for another 2 days, but anything can happen in such a short time especially of what David is capable of doing.

Everything is just so messed up now, I don't even know if I can afford to stay anywhere in this country without being haunted by my past or putting all these people in danger. The rest of my family may be staying in Canada, but my life is here.

_I can't just easily leave everything behind, but am I left with any choice?_

\-----------------------------------

"jo, can I talk to you for a sec?" Sara called out from my bedroom door. I looked up at her as I drop my clothes on my suitcase, and head on out to the door.

"yeah, what's up?" I asked as I lean on the frame.

"I talked to Tegan, and I just want you to know that she will be coming in later today with the rest of the people from the management. I'm just telling you, so.. you know what to expect." she said. Sara cleared her throat and crossed her arms; " I hope you don't mind."

I sighed and smiled at her "I don't.. it's all part of the job.. right?"

Sara then slowly rubbed my arm and smiled. "yeah.." she said.

"and uhh.. sorry about last night." I said as her hand slip down to mine.

she squeezed my hands and closed in on me; I bowed down, but Sara held my chin up and looked right into me; "I have never felt so terrified of losing someone."

"well.." I pursed my lips; "I'll try not to pass out next time."

Sara laughed as she put her hand down and grab me by my waist. She looked down on me with much gusto, and pulled me in closer to her.

The feeling she sent me as our bodies touch was something else; my head is flying into outer space again and it's as if this time I'm gonna swoon over her, instead of fainting from anxiety.

I gently lean on Sara's shoulder for an embrace; she wrapped her arms around me so tight, that I can feel her heartbeat and hear her breathing all at once; the tension on her body is radiating, I can definitely feel how worried she was.

"please don't do that again.. you scared the shit out of me" she said

"I wont.. I promise." I said as I softly rub my face on the arch of her neck. Sara then slowly pulled her face away and gave me one last kiss in the forehead before she pulled away; God she has no idea how I badly wanted to just kiss her that very second.

Sara left my room to go pack her stuff, I got back to packing my suitcases again; I sat on the carpeted floor as I caress my cheek, recalling how Sara's shoulders felt on them.

\-----------------------------------

Sara and I got a call from the management when they arrived in Goleta around 7 in the evening; we were then told to pack our bags and leave my house. I drove us down to four-seasons where they were staying; Sara told me that we will be staying in there until tomorrow and leave for LA then.

We got to the hotel and were immediately sent to our room. When we got in, the very first person we saw, was Tegan. She was at the office table in the living room, talking to someone on the phone but smiled and waved at us once she saw me and Sara come in. She looks better from when I last saw her--and with better I mean she doesn't look stressed. I was feeling kinda worried that Tegan and I might feel a little too uncomfortable around each other, but I guess she's doing just fine with it.

Sara and I settled ourselves in, luckily I don't have to go through the awkward part of asking Sara to sleep in the same bedroom as Tegan since there are 3 bedrooms in this suite anyway. I decided to sleep early as the chemicals from my medicine start to kick in and make me feel drowsy. I dozed off in a minute, but all this stress over David is getting the best of me.

The scenes from my accident kept repeating in my dreams, in a minute I know I'm in a dream, but the moment I dive in to my thoughts, it feels so real. I struggled to wake myself up; and yet again, I got up screaming, all sweaty and gasping for breath. I pulled my blanket further up my chest as I rest my back on the headboard and cry out of fear. I need to get my shit together; I cannot stay like this forever-- I might need professional help cause I'm not gonna be able to function properly with these thought running in my head and my constant fear of my past haunting me like this.

My bedroom door suddenly swung open as I cried a river onto my blanket; I jerked, looking up to see Sara standing there, and panting. There was an obvious feeling of worry and fear on her face as she quickly jump into bed and hold me in her arms.

"are you okay?" she asked as she pull me in closer to her. "did you have a bad dream again?"

I nodded and just pushed myself towards Sara, as I cry harder. She didn't talk and I didn't really speak out either-- I don't want to talk about David, I just want him out of my head and out of my life for good. This country is too big to have his ghost follow me around even after 2 years of being incarcerated. I'm amazed how the justice system works in this country, if you have money you can bail out of anything. I know New York is a fairly small city so to speak, and considering that Stacy, David and I are practically a few blocks away from each other's houses, there's really a big possibility for them to have spent a few sessions together.

I pulled myself away from Sara and just lied back in bed, she sat back on the head board and caressed my forehead as I calmly breathe to contain my anxiety. I'm so glad Sara ran over to me;I looked up at her and forced a smile. Here she is again, running to my aid and being a complete sweetheart; I can't even believe how she could care for me like this.

\-----------------------------------

I woke up to a call at 4 in the morning; I looked through the phone as I narrow my eyes down from the bright light.

"hello?" I answered the call

_"Hi Jo, sorry to wake you up."_

It was Angie "no it's okay, can I help you with something?"

_"Will it be okay if you come down here at the conference room for a little briefing? we just need to discuss some changes on the script for the dvd and the book"_

"oh.. that's fine.. just give me 15 minutes to freshen up"

_"Alright, thank you for understanding the time constraint here.. we'll expect you down in a few"_

Angie hung up the phone; I returned my blackberry from under my pillow and grunted from still feeling really sleepy. I sighed and laid my hands back on the bed and noticed a hump from the blanket; I looked to my side and saw Sara, sleeping just a few inches from me, like a baby. I might have fallen asleep from her caress last night, and I almost forgot that she stayed in with me. Sara was breathing softly, but I can feel the air coming out of her, touch my cheeks. I turned to her and traced her face with my eyes; I closed in on her and swept her bangs over to her ears so I can see her face.

Sara jerked, and slowly opened her eyes as I put my hands back under my cheeks while I lay and watch her.

"hey.." she said as she smile at me and stretch her arms out.

I smiled at Sara and said "sorry I woke you up.."

"it's okay.. why are you up early? are you feeling better?" she asked as she put her hands under her cheek too.

I nodded "yeah, I feel better. and uh, Angie called me for some time crunching meeting in 15 minutes."

"alright.." Sara said

I then sat up too and prepared to get out of bed; but just as I laid a leg on the floor, Sara grabbed my arms back.

I looked back at her, in confusion and concern if she needs anything before I leave. Sara was just staring back at me from the bed, her mouth slightly open, but she's not talking; it's as if she's trying to figure what to say to me, I guess she was just as surprised as I am with her action.

"is it ok if you.. stay in bed with me for a bit?" she asked with a bit of hesitance; I felt my heart skip and the hair at the back of my neck raise.

I cleared my throat and just nodded. I lied back down with her, as Sara pull me in her arms while we lay together. I rested my face on her chest and just gave in to the embrace.

I can feel her heartbeat and hear her breathing again-- this is something that happens naturally but it's sending me to an all time high everytime Sara opens up to me like this. But remembering that Tegan was just in the other room, has sent me back to the thought as to how Sara is able not to mind that I used to mess around with her sister.

"sara.." I called out.

"hmm/" she mumbled

"why are you doing this?" I asked her, in the nicest way possible.

Sara slowly looked down at me and said "cause I want to" sounding as if she doesn't give a fuck that the girl she's cuddling with, used to fuck her sister; I just don't know what to say to her, I was speechless by her bravery. She pulled me closer to her and kissed my forehead; I felt uneasy but I didn't resist, I may not admit to it, but I think I needed that too.

\-----------------------------------

After Angie left from the meeting, I decided to stay in the conference room to make some coffee. I definitely missed having some time alone; I don't mind having Sara as company, in fact I am so happy to have her around, but I missed getting in the zone with myself.

Just when I thought I would be left on my own for some much needed coffee and quiet time, someone opened the door from the conference room, and to my horror, that person happened to be Tegan.

"can we talk?" she said. I just nodded slightly and lowered my head as she enter. Tegan turned to me as I sat down and drink my coffee. I was thinking if she was there for the meeting too,

"okay" I breathed "what about?" I asked her bluntly.

Her eyes widened a bit; she pursed her lips and started to open her mouth but she didn't say anything.

Tegan approached me by the side of the table and sat at the corner end as she grab my hands. She looked down to my lap and just sighed heavily. I leaned in to take a closer look at her face, as she tear up.

"Tegan can you just talk without having to be all dramatic? I'm getting sick of it, let's just get this over with" I said annoyance as I pulled my hands from her. It does take a rock on her face to break her down; she may be sincere, but I couldn't help but be unsympathetic.

"Did you sleep with Sara?" She asked.

My eyes widened, and I faced her.

"What the fuck Tegan, No." I said.

"well then what was she doing in your room this whole time?" she asked as she frown.

"I had a nightmare, Sara had to come in and see if I was doing okay." I said a little too defensively. "I didn't even remember she slept in my bed last night... wait, why am I explaining myself to you in the first place?!"

"she's my sister, Jo. you spent the night with her? you wanna get back at me with my own twin? you guys had "awesome" rebound sex yeah---?" I wasn't thinking; before I knew it my hands were flying towards Tegan's face, hitting her hard enough to send her off the table. She stood there in daze, evidently in pain; I was just as surprised as she is and I'm not the physically violent one, but she totally crossed the line there..

"hurt me all you want but I'm not backing down" She said as she stood still, looking at me.

I closed in on her, leaving only inches in distance. I want to provoke her, and just let her say it all so we're done with whatever bullshit this is. "what do you want from me?" I asked her, as she stare me down. Tegan slowly slipped her hands through my arms and grabbed me close for an embrace.

I started to cry.

"tegan please, just stop." I said. Tegan did not pull away. "you always leave anyway. just leave me now and we'll forget all this ever happened."

Tegan shook her head.

"I can't do this anymore." I added. Tegan did not back off, instead she pulled me in closer and tightened her grip on me.

"I can't lose you Jo." she said. "not again."  I don't know if she's only saying that cause she saw me and Sara together and she's starting to feel the real threat this time.

I shook my head "After what you did, I don't think I can ever risk anymore of me."

I pushed Tegan as hard as I can, but surprisingly she loosened up and allowed me to gently get off her grip.

"I am so sorry, for everything." she said. I swear I wanted to embrace her-- I missed Tegan to be honest, but the way she's acting is just making things hard for me, I just need to push her away from me so I can move on.

I sighed and just said "you should be." I then walked out of the conference room, leaving her there for the rest of the housekeepers to see as they open the door and enter the room.

\-----------------------------------

Sara and I traveled to L.A. after their meeting; Tegan apparently left and didn't attend the meeting that morning-- I guess she wasn't really in a good shape to take care of business looking that wasted when I left her. I never really told Sara anything so as to not worsen the situation. I drove for us while she took a much needed nap-- she was apparently up all night looking after me, and only slept a few hours til I woke her up earlier before I left to meet Angie.. We reached central L.A. just in time for lunch, and head over to one of my friends' apartment that we're going to rent out during the recording.

"It's spacey so you can bring in some equipment here if you'd like" Sam said as she tour us in the living area of her fully furnished Apartment. Sara looked around as I sit down on one of the couches. "I like it." Sara said smiling as she gently tap her heels on the wooden floor. "how many bedrooms do you have?" she asked as she walk towards one of the hallways. I stood and followed Sara.

Sam walked along with me and said "we have 2, one masters and one guest so if you 2 want to go on separate rooms you can prolly just decide who gets the bigger one." sam chuckled

"Oh we'll share the big one, no worries." Sara said bluntly, I smiled as Sam turn to me and give me a rowdy expression.

"Alright then.. by the way I'll be sending someone over every 3 days to keep the place clean and help out with the chores if you don't mind." She said.

"oh not at all.. thank you, an extra hand would definitely be helpful" I said as Sara open the door towards the master's bedroom.

"so how much is the place for 6 months?" Sara asked as we stop in the middle of the bedroom.

Sam smiled. "I'm not charging" she said. Sara and I both have a surprised look on us; "Just pay for the utilities and damages and I'm good" she said.

"wow, thank you so much. Seriously that is so kind of you." Sara said giving Sam a quick hug. She pulled away with a grin on her face; and turned to me. Sara then walked towards the door to go out and see the rest of the apartment.

Sam and I were left there, as soon as Sara was out of sight, Sam turned to me "so, you guys 'official'?" she asked as she elbow me.

I smiled and shook my head; "no. but we're dating.. soooo..." I said; I couldn't help but grin to the thought of me and Sara dating, it's still giving me all those funny feelings in my core. Sam just laughed and shook her head as we follow Sara out.

After we brought all of our luggage in, Sara, Sam and I went out for lunch. I was having a premature nervous breakdown as we get closer to that lunch with Tegan so Sara can brief her in--she did excuse herself from the meeting after all-- some sort of 'emergency' Sara says.

"oh, she's here.." Sara said nodding towards Tegan as she walk to our table right outside the restaurant. I was feeling butterflies in my stomach, I"m just so nervous and I don't know how to act around her. I'm still really upset, but I'm doing my best to set it aside cause I'm in here for a job anyways.

"hi guys." Tegan greeted, as she pull out a chair right in front of mine.

"Sam, I think you know my sister Tegan" Sara said;

"hi nice to meet you" Tegan said as she and Sam shake hands.

"actually you look really familiar, have I seen you somewhere?" tegan asked as she cozied up on her chair and pull up the sleeves of her flannel shirt.

"well I've been all over the place so you prolly saw me around. I own 2 units here in echo park so, you might have seen me walk around with my dog" Sam said

I looked up at Sam and smiled casually, I'm so glad we're all wearing shades; it's like a protective gear that avoids us all from seeing each other's awkward expressions. Though to be honest I've been itching to light up a cigarette, but decided against it a million times since that will tip Sara off that I'm being too nervous around Tegan. That smile that I gave as Sam said her piece of the joke was more forced than finding it funny to picture a tall, athletic, butch lesbian walk her chihuahua unnecessarily early in the morning.

Tegan grinned "yeah, maybe" she said as she flip her hair to the side.

"..and you should see her apartment, we're staying there during recordings; youre gonna like it there" Sara said.

I honestly wanted to pinch Sara's legs, to make her stop so Tegan won't have to come over, that way I don't have to spend the rest of the day being uneasy on her.

"oh I'll definitely visit." Tegan said as she remove her sunglasses. She smiled and drank some of her water while she stared at me; Oh God. I pretended not to see it it and just remained still; she's at it again. While Sara, then slowly slipped her hands on mine as I rest them on my lap; she gave it a gentle squeeze as I look up at her. She just smiled, she might have noticed what Tegan just did, and here she is rushing in to calm me down; I'm amazed at how these small gestures can counter my negative feelings. I saw Tegan gaze over our arms, she probably figured we were holding hands from under the table; so she just rolled her eyes away. 

After discussing work, the 4 of us decided to go back to our place and do some unpacking and a bit of house warming. Sara toured Tegan around the house as I settle our clothes on the closet.

"..and of course, the masters bedroom" Sara said as she and Tegan get in the room.

"this place is huge, I like it." Tegan said as she look around.

I was just there inside the walk in closet placing the hangers, and praying that Tegan don't have to come in here too; I'm not sure how I can carry on a conversation with her.

"and here's the most sassy girl in the universe unpacking our luggage" Sara said as she peek in with Tegan, I just looked at them with a grin and shook my head.

"shut up" I said

They were both all smiles, but left as soon as Sara moved away from the closet; 'whew' that was really awkward.

\-----------------------------------

After putting out what needs to be re-arranged into the house, and the groceries arrived, I went to the kitchen to get us all some tea; I packed with us a can of TWGs that Sara learned to love while she stayed in my house; apparently Tegan's favorite too.

I was in the middle of sifting the loose tea when Tegan came in to the kitchen.

'shit..not now' I thought as I kept myself busy so as to not require myself to entertain Tegan.

"you guys have cold water yet?" she asked as she look into the fridge.

"no, we keep it room temperature... digestion purposes" I said bluntly. "bottle's here.." I then tapped the cabinet right on top of me.

Tegan slowly walked over to me to get some bottled water from stock while I continue sifting to the cups.

Tegan chuckled; "aww no shit, you really brought that with you" she said as she lean on the counter top watching me prepare tea.

I smiled; "yeah. I couldn't live without it. neither does Sara.. she just loves it, I'm starting to think she's gonna stop drinking coffee cause of these"

Tegan's smile faded and raised an eyebrow. "yeah.. I love it too.."

I looked directly at Tegan and shook my head, but I immediately got back into business.

"so.." Tegan then went for the cabinet and took a bottle of water.

"I know this isn't really a good time to talk about.... what happened this morning but.." Tegan paused

I almost dropped the kettle, but I quickly shrug and finished off the last cup.

"but what..?" I asked her as I put the kettle down.

"But I really.. want to explain myself for what I did with Lindsey.. and apologize." she said.

I turned to Tegan and crossed my arms "you know what? all I can say to you, at this moment, is Thank you."

Tegan frowned.

"..for waking me up from my delusion." I then took the tray and started to place the cups, but Tegan picked my hands and squeezed them gently and placed it right on top of her chest.

I felt her heartbeat; it was quick, and her breathing was getting heavy-- I can tell she was nervous and really anxious.

"I'm so sorry Jo. believe me, there's not one minute that I didn't regret doing it." she said, almost crying.

I looked up at Tegan and frowned-- I wanna slap her real hard again and just make her stop. Cause whatever it is that she's trying to do, I'm afraid it's starting to win me back.

"you can't do this to again Tee. you've caused so much trouble to so many people." I said as I tried to pull my hands away, but her grip was too tight.

"Jo, I don't want to hurt you anymore, just please trust me when I say that I won't screw up.. let's try again. please?" she said calmly.

I can feel Tegan's sincerity and that she's hurting just as much as I am, but I can't do it. I won't try it again with her-- it's been long over due and I think we just need to stop.

I shook my head. "I can't" Tegan gently let my hands loose. I slowly pulled them away and took the tray.

I walked towards exiting the kitchen when Tegan cleared her throat and said "Lindsey and I are over. just so you know I tried to get back with her like what you said-- but I can't force myself to do it. It was her request, I just had to give it to her for the last time."

I stopped. "I don't need an explanation, you made everything clear that moment I saw you two, and sealed the deal when you closed the door on me." I said without looking back.

"..I don't expect you to come around anymore anyway. But I just want you to know that I told Lindsey about us... everything about us"

T that moment, I felt my eyes well up, but right this second I'm starting to feel regret, anger and pity for Tegan; I don't want to fall back in a limbo again, and I didn't know what to say to her, so I just walked away from her.


	13. On Directing

I called out on Sara and Sam for tea as I place the cups on the coffee table at the balcony; it was a warm yet windy afternoon in L.A. and all I could think of were Tegan's words when I left the kitchen. I don't want to be distracted the whole day so I just brushed the thought away. I'm not really that good in hiding my feelings, so I'm trying my best to just keep myself busy. Sara and Sam went out to the balcony with me, then I went back inside to get my camera and laptop with me outside so I can pretend to be doing some work. I'm still feeling a little light headed from my prescription, but I'm left with no choice; I don't really wanna sleep anyway cause I'll be ruining my patterns.

Tegan shortly followed after I settle my laptop on the coffee table. I sat beside Sara whose arms are up on the wooden chair just above my shoulder. She was checking her phone and I couldn't help but peek, though I'm trying not to be a bit of a creep on her, so I just leaned over to my laptop to start working. Sam left after tea, some things she need to attend to for work; so it's just us 3 left in there. I've been dreading this kind of setting for us, I can't wait til recording starts so I don't have to be left with just them 2-- this is too awkward. I really didn't expect Tegan to still be giving me all these signals, it's annoying, and I think she should just get over it.

I secretly sent Sara a text asking her if she wants me to leave her and Tegan alone so they can talk in private, and she immediately responded with a "yes please :)". I slowly gathered my stuff and went inside the bedroom so I can also get some time alone. I brewed myself some more tea and from inside the pantry I can hear them talking through the window beside the railings on the balcony.

"So you broke up with Stacy?" I heard Tegan ask. I couldn't really see them, so I'm just there, trying to listen to them. I figured they they never had the chance to catch up cause of all the work they've been doing, so it does make sense that Tegan is asking about this now.

"yeah.. I did. I mean I've been trying to look for a good reason; and I think her bringing a man inside our apartment is reason enough." Hell yeah it is.

"and did you already tell her about the restraining order?" I cringed in the thought of the restraining order-- that just seems to much.

"yeah I did. Don't tell anyone about what happened last night, I don't really want her to not cooperate on this." Sara said.

"well If I were you I would've called the authorities." Tegan said.

"well.. Jo almost did. I talked her out of it, Stacy and I talked and she just literally begged me not to push through with the case and that she'll just stay away."

"oh God, and you bought that?" Tegan asked

"No, of course not. I've been asking her who she was with that night and what they did in the apartment, and she just won't tell me" So she still doesn't know who David was, I really hope Tegan tells her already, but I'm quite concerned what Sara would feel about it. "I was so close to calling the police, so I just asked her to leave and just told her that I'll see her in court." Shit just got serious.

"do you think she'll show up?" Tegan asked.

"yeah she will. we agreed on it." Sara answered.

"good. make sure you keep your communication with Stacy, if you want her to lessen her chances of getting penalized, she needs to work with you" Tegan said.

"yeah I know.. I told her that" Sara said sounding a little too uninterested.

"anyway what's going on between you and Lindsey?" Sara asked, obviously trying to remove the spotlight on her; again there was silence. I really wanna hear what Tegan has to say on this, but she wasn't talking. "well...?" Sara asked again.

"we're practically over. Jo caught us in the middle of a break up sex, and I'm.. I'm just... I feel bad." You should be.

"you feel bad about what? breaking up with Lindsey then having sex with her? or Jo seeing you do 'it'?" Sara asked; nice one, It's as is she's reading my mind.

"both actually.. I should not have had sex with her and just let her want out." wow, what an asshole. She chuckled but I didn't hear anything from Sara.

"Tee, you do realize that you've done Jo, a great deal of..damage, if you can call it that. And I'd appreciate if you, don't add to it anymore." Sara said. I was surprised to hear Sara talk like that towards Tegan; "I know you love her. But she doesn't deserve whatever it is that came her way." Her words almost sent me to crying again.

"what, so she deserves YOU now?" Tegan asked, trying to mock Sara.

"well you know what, yeah. maybe she does deserve someone like me" Sara said; the sound of tension is very obvious in her voice-- and I feel bad about having them fight like this over something petty.

There was silence, I'm not hearing anything so I tried to lean in closer through the wall

"you're right." Tegan said in a low tone. Her response surprised me, she was calm, and she sounds really sad.

"hey.. I'm sorry, I'm just a little upset about all this..and I've learned to care for Jo through the process." Sara said calmly.

"I know.. I mean who wouldn't adore her, she's just.. an amazing person all together. I can't believe how I've destroyed all that. I really didn't realize that she engaged in all the drug activity cause of me, until I put the pieces together. if I was just brave enough to have pursued her and didn't let her stay with Andy then maybe she wouldn't have ended up in rehab, or even started using in the first place." Tegan said; she got it all-- she understood everything and this is just telling me she knew all along but she just couldn't care any less about me.

"you've stayed in the backseat for too long.. I think it's time you step up." Tegan added. This is not a competition now is it? Am I still here for a good reason? I feel like staying here will only just cause tension and the last thing I wanted was for them to have a misunderstanding.

"I couldn't believe we actually fell for the same girl." Sara said.

"me neither" tegan added; and there they finally shared a chuckle.

I've heard enough-- actually more than what I needed to hear, and I'm starting to feel bad about creeping up on them so I decided to proceed with my tea and head out to the bedroom.

\--------------------

I woke up the next morning to a hand caressing my forehead and a call on my name.

I opened my eyes and saw Sara kneeling just beside the bed, her chin resting on her arm on top of the bed as her other hand work its way on my face.

"good morning!" She said with a grin. I cannot wrap my mind around this-- it was almost surreal that I have to wake up to that every morning in the coming months.

"good morning.." I greeted her back, and without expecting, Sara leaned closer and gave me kiss on the forehead. Closing in on her, I could definitely smell a hint of coffee on her shirt;

"hmm.. you just couldn't wait til I get up and make you some coffee, huh?" I said as I brush through her hair.

Sara chuckled as she blush from my tease. "yeah, well.. I can still share a cup, I can have as much as I want anyway".

I then sat up on bed and saw that my stuff were all placed neatly at the study table just across the bed. As far as I could remember, after Tegan and Sara talked, we had a small dinner, then Tegan left, and Sara and I stayed in bed as I watched TV while she read; I looked at my bedside and saw my pills and recalled that I did take my prescription before I dozed off.

"what time is it?" I asked as I remove the blanket from me.

Sara stood and looked at her wrist watch "it's 7:30.. you've been asleep for 12 hours." Sara said in awe.

I chuckled as I scratch my head and look around for my phone. I traced the sheets and felt it under the pillow I was lying on; there weren't any messages or missed calls though I did figure my network's out prolly from lying on it all night.

"let's go.. I made us breakfast" Sara said reaching her hands out to get me out of bed. I smiled at her and I swear I could feel the blood rise up to my face as I blush from the small sweet gesture.I couldn't remember the last time that someone prepared breakfast for me, my ex girlfriends has done it a million times, but it's not as special as this. I'm not sure if Sara's been used to doing this with the rest of the girls she dated, but she's just not the type-- so having her do this for me, is indeed, _something._

I headed towards the dining area but there's nothing on the table, Sara then called on me "breakfast is this way" she said as she head on towards the balcony. she swept the curtain and I saw that all the chairs have been moved away towards one side of the balcony, and have been replaced by throw pillows under the coffee table. I chuckled to the ingenuity of Sara's creativity, it made me feel excited for what seem to be just an ordinary breakfast.

I sat on the carpet spread over the balcony floor and grabbed my cup of coffee.

"we should do this everyday" I said as I savor the aroma of the coffee.

Sara smiled and sat in front of me. "yeah, I feel like breakfast is the most important meal of the day and it gets boring.. so i guess people should keep it interesting everytime."

"yeah, I hate it when things get a little too repetitive, it gets boring and second nature that you end up not giving attention to it more than the usual" I said; I figured she got the reference to relationships but I'm pretty sure she brushed the idea off; Sara just nodded and smiled.

"you have plans today?" sara asked as she begin with the toast.

"hmm.. aside from following you and Tegan around, no, nothing really." I said as I drizzle dressing on my salad.

"well we have an interview later, I got you to cover it for us." I sipped on my coffee and nodded. "oh and uh, before I forget" Sara then pulled out my camera from my camera bag beside her.

"oh wow, I didnt notice you brought that for breakfast" I chuckled.

"vacation's not over, but..I'd appreciate if you still take photos of us. I mean.. me and you." Sara said as she hand them over to me. I smiled at her and took the camera from her; I then set the self timer and burst and put in on top of the coffee table as Sara cozied in beside me for a picture.

After Sara and I posed as the shutter went off, I immediately dived into my Salad. I havent had that long of a sleep for quite some time and it left me famished.

"Shoot will be in..." Sara looked at her watch "1 hour and 20 minutes. go prepare, I'll just make some calls."

I was about to stand to help Sara clean up the table, til someone knocked on the door.

I slightly opened the door and was greeted by a young brunette.

"goodmorning, sam sent me" she said all smiles.

At that point I did realize she's probably the help Sam was talking about.

"oh are you Veronica?" I asked as I open the door fully and led her in.

"yes, and you're Miss Joanne?" she asked as we shake hands.

"oh please, call me Jo" I said as I closed the door. "take a seat, did you have breakfast yet?" I asked as I walk towards the kitchen.

"yes.. I just ate before I got here." Veronica sat on one of the couches.

I got her a cup of coffee from the kitchen and went back to her right away; Sara then went in from the balcony and greeted us.

"goodmorning" She said as she approach me and Veronica. Veronica turned to her and gave her a glare.

"oh my.. God. you're Sara Quin right?!" Veronica asked in surprise, her jaw hanging and her mouth open in amazement; Oh God Sam, this girl better not be a creep.

Sara smiled and offered her a hand "Yes, and you must be Veronica?" Sara said.

Veronica was dumbfounded, she was trembling and I can tell she was really excited, I was trying my hardest not to laugh at her girl crush moment, but I find it really cute.

"oh gosh you know my name.." Veronica said as she and Sara shake hands.

Veronica breathed heavily and just wiped her bullets off her forehead; "oh my gosh, Sam didn't tell me about you renting here. this is so surreal. I'm a big fan of your artworks, I was in your opening in San Francisco from a small field trip from the University before summer break. I'm just also starting to listen to your band."

"wow really?! what a coincidence.. what are you taking?" Sara asked as the 3 of us sat on the couch.

"Architecture, minor in Sculpture and new genre.. I'm on my 2nd year at OTIS" she said as she trace the handles of her mug.

"oh so you went to the same university as Sam?" I asked.

"yeah, I had a scholarship from her mother, I believe you know she's a dean at OTIS" She said in a slightly embarrassed tone.

"oh yes.. of course I remember.. was that how you met Sam?" I asked as I lean in closer, this is just really picking my interest; Veronica seems like a really smart and sweet girl and I can't just let her "clean" our crap for us, she can do better than that.

Veronica shook her head. "My mom is one of their stay in Maids, and I practically grew up in the Villa with them."

I smiled and just nodded "oh okay.. uhm.. well.. the place doesn't really need a lot of cleaning so you can probably take the day off, or the rest of the 2 months off." We just laughed it off, I mean I can tell that Sara also doesn't feel comfortable asking her to do chores for us. And not to mention, she's been checking her phone every 2 minutes since breakfast, so I decided to just take over this mini-interview.

"well, I'm doing this for the money, so feel free to utilize my service." Veronica said."I can do the dishes, maybe send your clothes to laundry, dust the furnitures and fix your sheets"

I sighed, "well.. okay, fair enough. Just don't expect me to really.. are you sure you're REALLY okay with that?" I asked her

Veronica smiled and nodded. Sara was still busy with her phone, and smiling to herself this time; I'm shooting her glances trying to see if she'll notice.

I sighed. "alrighty then..uhm, I'll do the dishes for now, you can prolly just.. chat with Sara." I said. Verpnica just grinned at me and Sara as I stand up to go to the kitchen. Sara looked up in surprise of hearing her name

\--------------------------

Sara and I decided to send Veronica off early, she just chatted with her for a moment and then we left the apartment.

I drove us over to a closed coffeeshop downtown; Sara and Tegan discussed a few things and I just kept my mouth shut the whole time. I did notice that Tegan wasn't her usual playful self either-- I could be thankful, but at the same time I'm not used to it.

We arrived at the coffee shop about 20 minutes before the scheduled interview, but we were already sitting down with the interviewer. They shook hands, and Tegan went over to me to the other table and tapped me by the shoulder

"I'll introduce you, come on" she said

Tegan and I walked over them; "Julie this is Jo.. our art director slash photographer slash bestest best friend from childhood" okay, we just had to all laugh it off; I'm glad Tegan sort of pulled herself together. "well not really 'childhood' but I had a brain of a 15 year old when we met her in 2005.. so yeah, Jo this is Julie contributor for a new LA magazine" Tegan shook her head for not remembering the name of the magazine

Julie stood and offered a hand; Her hands were cold and stiff, probably because she was this body of a stick and her long red nails dug into my hands-- she can definitely pass for a witch.. maybe.

"nice to meet you Jo" she said as she flip her blonde bob.

"nice to meet you too" I said bluntly, trying not to sound a little too snobbish, but this girl is giving me all the wrong vibes.

"So she's gonna take photos and videos of us 3 if you don't mind" Tegan asked as they sat down on the high stools.

"oh not at all, we agreed for your end to do the coverage anyways, everything is taken cared of" Julie said smiling over to the girls.

Julie was sitting right beside Sara, too close if you ask me while Tegan was just in front of them.

I sat on a rather low lounge chair just a few feet away from them and started to set up my tripod for the video. after mounting the HVR, I peeked into it and focused the camera on

them. Just as I was zooming in, I happen to also see Julie putting a hand over Sara's legs while they were talking in a rather low tone.

I sat up and looked up to them; "can you try to say something to the camera Julie, I just had to test the mic?" I said as I put my in ears on.

"sure.. Test 1..2..3.. check.. check for 1 million dollars"

Laughter filled the coffeeshop from that one liner; that was smooth, though I was just kind of kissing her ass.

"that's a good one, thank you so much Julie." I said "we're good.. let's start" I said

I pressed record, counted down from my fingers and gave an 'okay' sign.

I left the HVR and prepared my camera to take photos, while Julie smother Sara with flirtatious glances and pats on her thigh.


	14. Love They Say

The interview was over in an hour, though we stayed in longer cause the staff and Julie still took personal photos with the girls. So I just stayed in one corner packing up my equipment.

A man from the magazine crew wearing this v-neck douche shirt and worn-out jeans came up to me, "need any help?" asked one of the crews from the magazine as I roll up up my wires.

I smiled at him and said "Oh no, I'm okay, almost done anyway"

"well.. do you need someone to carry those for you out of the shop?" he asked again; I can tell he's not gonna take no for an answer.

"uhh.. sure. if that's okay with your boss, or Julie." I said.

he chuckled and shook his head "oh yeah, that's perfectly fine, I'm not doing anything anyway"

"alright then." I packed up the wires carried my camera bag while he carried the HVR, the tripod and the extensions and wires with him. I slid the door open for him, and pulled out my car keys.

"where's your car?" he asked as we get to the sidewalk.

"this one" I pointed to my car just right in front of us.

"oh wow, sorry. I've been spotting this car for the past hour, do you own this? or is Tegan's or Sara's?" he asked as I unlock the doors.

"it's mine, the girls don't really have time to get their license here so they don't drive" I said as I go over the trunk and open it.

"cool, I love Audis. how much did you get this s6 for?" he asked as I settle my babies down the trunk.

"It was a gift from my Mom, but I think she got it for around 80 grand?" I said as I close down the trunk door. "Jo" I said reaching my hands out

He took one last look on me and smiled before he shook my hand "Harold, and uuh.. I'm sorry if I didn't introduce myself.. I mean I know you, but yeah.. sorry" he said. He sounds kind of nervous, so I just gave him a firm shake to kill his nerves. His hands were sweaty and shaking a little bit.

"oh that's okay, and thank you so much for the help" I said as I slowly pull my hands away.

I turned around and locked my doors again; but just as we were about to enter the coffee shop again, Sara, Tegan and Julie came out. My eyes widened when I saw Julie clinging onto Sara's arms as they were coming out and she was still talking lowly towards her ear and it's getting on my nerve-- I feel funny and I guess that little green monster inside is waking up again.

Julie and Sara approached my, Julie still holding onto Sara.

"jo? hello? Jo?" Julie said

"oh" I shook my head, my head; I was too busy trying to muster all this jealousy I'm feeling from seeing the 2 of them. "I'm sorry you were saying something?" I asked.

Julie then let go of Sara and went towards Harold. "I said, so you've met our boss" Julie said as she face me while she stand beside Harold.

"excuse me?" I asked, looking at Harold and Julie alternately. I'm just confused.

Julie sighed and crossed her arm. "Harold" she smiled. "did you tell her you were part of the crew again?" she asked Harold. Harold just smiled at her then glanced at me and flashed those pearly whites. "I'm sorry, he does that all the time, he doesn't really like showing off" Julie said.

I just stood there, with my mouth slightly open. I shook my head and smiled at Harold.

"sorry" Harold said humbly as he shyly tilt his head. Julie just glanced at him, and shook her head as they smile at each other.

"anyway, we'd love to invite you 3 for a small lunch right after we pack up if you don't mind." Julie asked us.

I looked back at the girls and they just said "yeah sure, cool"

They're too kind; I can see that Tegan was a bit hesitant, though as always, Sara enthusiastically agreed. I'd rather not spend lunch time with them either but bad publicity is their worst enemy, so I guess they can never say no.

After the awkward and quite boring lunch that only Sara and Julie enjoyed, we all decided to go home. Julie and Harold got my number and also gave me theirs for future reference. I did show them my portfolio and they were quite interested with my works so I guess I got their attention. hopefully these guys would be great to work with, but so far they seem professional-- apart from the fact that Julie just couldn't get her hands off of Sara.

\--------------------------

We got home right away and avoided any detours-- Sam Invited me for gym but I promised Sara I would help her set up her ministudio in the guest room, so we're going to have to work on that tonight. Tegan on the other hand wanted to have some drinks on her apartment, but Sara asked her to come over our place instead; Yet again I am left with no choice but to hang out with Tegan; sooner or later I'm gonna have to get used to it anyway.

After Sara ordered materials online for the ministudio, I went over the photos and talked to a few people about their media. Tegan was on the side working with me; so somehow we have come to a consensus that we need to just put things aside for the sake of their new record, book and dvd.

The materials arrived a few hours later, so then Tegan, and I went ahead and helped Sara put up the mini studio. I was kind of skeptic that the 3 of us would be able to finish this off, so I had to call Veronica in for help.

Slightly more shocked than she was this morning, Upon seeing Tegan, Veronica just couldn't function; she acted cool, but I can really tell that was nervous-- Sara and I found her really adorable trying to act contained in front of the girls.

Tegan spent time talking to Veronica and asking her about college and her works of art-- apparently she's been sculpting and doing wood and ceramic works and selling them online. At the end of the day as we finish putting up the padding, Tegan, Sara and I had a small sit down while we asked Veronica to pick up the food we ordered from the concierge.

"I like her." Tegan said all smiles, resting on her chin on her hand as she lean her shoulders on the table.

"me too" Sara said as she walk over while dry her hands after washing them from the bathroom. Sara sat down with us at the dining room, and rested her head on my shoulder as I slouch and rest my feet on the other chair.

"seriously, I was thinking about taking her under my wing for future projects. she's really efficient" I added.

"now that you mentioned that's actually a good idea" Tegan said as she narrow her eyes, looking as if thinking of hiring her.

"we could probably talk to Kim and ask if we could put her in for an internship" Sara said.

I smiled and said "you'd do that?" I asked them.

Tegan smiled and said "yeah why not.."

"she would definitely love that" I said.

"and that's actually a good thing to put on her CV" Sara said, still leaning on my shoulder.

"yeah I agree" I said.

"actually let me call him now" Tegan said as she put out her blackberry and leave for the balcony.

"I think I need a shower" I said as I cringe from feeling all sticky from sweat.

Sara then sat up and kissed my bare shoulder from where she leaned on

"did I ever tell you, that even though I hate messy girls, I'm giving you an exception?" Sara said as she lean on my shoulder again.

she was being a complete tease-- I mean I've heard and seen her flirt her way away with Emy before, but experiencing it first hand is a lot different. She makes me nervous with every touch and every sweet word she say. It's very different from when I'm with Tegan-- I know her all too well so I Know how to respond to her words, to her body language, to be honest I am more comfortable with Tegan. I miss her sometimes; I miss how we act like the best of friends, I miss it when she messes my hair up, I miss those quiet moments where we just look into each other-- I miss how she fucks up the quiet moment by bursting in laughter out of nowhere. I am yet to see if I would enjoy my company with Sara like that; especially in this kind of setting, it's hard to make time for 'alone' time. I am not rushing and I am very fond of Sara-- I couldn't afford to lose something this special so I'm taking my time. I respect her, and I don't want her to come off as if I'm using her to forget Tegan--that is never the case-- I loved Tegan, but Sara is something else. We're both hurt from our past relationships and we're both healing-- I guess time has meant for us to be at this moment, so we can find each other and heal together.

I am still bothered about Tegan, although we are both acting casual after last night's little "talk" in the kitchen and the bitch slapping from that morning, I'm glad that at some point we're handling this like real adults should-- civilized. Sara and I were just sitting there in the dining area, leaning on eachother and our hands locked, and Tegan is at the balcony just right in front of us. She was busy talking, but the moment she looked right at me and saw us, she turned around and moved away. Even if we were acting all cool, I can still feel the tension; and I am still amazed sometimes, that just a week or so ago, Tegan and I are a thing, and now we're just casually hanging out like nothing happened, and I'm dating her sister who just broke with her criminal ex girlfriend. My life has turned from an all time low to something too unconventional.

After Veronica came back from the concierge, we prepared for dinner-- being too lazy to clean ourselves up we had to eat dinner looking like construction workers. It's fairly unusual for Sara cause she's very sensitive when it comes to hygiene, I understand how much she values cleanliness but I'm glad she's loosening up to it a bit.

"so veronica you said you're on your 2nd year at OTIS?" Tegan asked

Veronica put down her fork and nodded "yes I am"

"are you already allowed to go out on an internship?" Sara asked as she pick up her wine glass.

"well..  we can already start getting an internship as soon as this summer." I looked over Sara and smiled

"do you have any prospects?" Sara asked. Veronica shook her head

"actually I want to focus on online selling first and maybe get my clients that way and earn connections" Veronica said as she pick her fork up again and

toss her salad.

"well that's too bad. the girls and I were thinking about giving you a spot for the team." I said as I sliced a fillet.

Veronica swallowed her food as she look up at us in shock. "no shit." she said.

The 3 of us just smiled at her.

"I mean if you don't want to that's fine.. we're not forcing you." Tegan joked.

"are you kidding me?! of course I wanted to work for you guys!"

\-----------------------------------------

After dinner, and cleaning up the kitchen, we called it a night. Tegan and Veronica left, while Sara on the other hand was hanging out in her new studio after cleaning up before going to bed, as I take a much needed shower. I could hear Sara singing from the other room; her voice filled the rather quiet apartment we were staying at. This moment was serene; the warm water flowing down on my body matched with Sara's voice was a perfect combination to let out all the stress for just a few minutes. I was so tempted to stay in a couple more minutes to dip into the hot tub, but it's getting late and recording starts tomorrow, so I better hit the sack early.

I dressed up in my usual pajamas and Sara was still at her mini studio-- I'm quite concerned that she might have already fallen asleep on there so I went over to check on her. I knocked on the door once I got there, but the door was open. I slowly got in and saw Sara sitting on the couch, head thrown back and hugging her guitar-- her eyes were closed-- she did fell asleep. I smiled as I survey her in this vulnerable sight; I have never seen anyone look this youthful a few months before their 34th birthday-- she and Tegan has probably dealt with the devil for having to look this gorgeous. I walked over Sara and slowly removed her hands off her guitar-- she didn't jerk-- I'm guessing she's really tired from setting this whole room up; it was all worth it anyway, the mini studio looks fantastic. I put down her guitar on the stand and went over to her on the couch to wake her up.

"Sar?" I called out as she slowly move around. She slightly opened her eyes and gave me a smile.

"hey.. wanna go to bed?" I asked her as I smile back.

She inhaled and stretched out a bit. "yeah.." Sara then stood up, and walked out as I followed her to our room.

I closed the door back as I got inside; I turned around to walk over the bed but Sara was just right behind, facing me.

"oh!--" I jerked as I almost fell onto her. She grabbed my arms and chuckled.

"sorry.." she said all smiles and still holding my arms. She slowly slipped her hand down to my palms and held it tight.

Sara then slowly closed in on me and took me in for an embrace. I had no idea where that came from, but I'm happy as fuck to have her this close to me again-- Sara definitely has a thing for hugs and I better get used to it. But no matter how many times our bodies have touched, everything still feels like the first time-- there was literally electricity going around-- it's as if every part of me she touches emits this static that sends my head away in space.

"thank you Sara" I whispered as I push my face further into the arch of her neck.

I slowly raised my head and look at her; "for what?" she asked.

"for always being there. I mean I don't know how I'd keep my act together, without you." I said

Sara and I stared at eachother for a second before I decided to completely pull away; but just as I thought Sara has already let go of me, she takes a tighter grip on my hands and pulled me in again, and this time, her lips met mine as I come flying back on her arms.

I couldn't help my eyes from widening and seeing Sara's face as she kiss me; her eyes were closed---just like how Tegan looked like. Only this time, I am no longer imagining it, it is really Sara that I am kissing this time. I slowly closed my eyes and gave in to the kiss as Sara's hands cup my cheeks and pull me closer.

It was that feeling of longing to have finally kissed her that kept me from pulling away-- I really like Sara, I know I am yet to figure out where this is going with her, but I know we have something really special. I am taking things slow with her, I don't want to rush anything and scare her; so I gave her the wheel, to take control of. I was waiting for this day, to finally have her open up to me like this; I know it's just a kiss, but knowing that Sara gave a part of her to me, made me feel secure, that we're on the road to something worth our while. I imagined how it would feel and taste like, but it's nothing compared to what Sara has offered me; I can feel as if she's been waiting for this herself, our lips were hungry on each other; She was warm and tender, her lips were soft--actually too soft that I'm afraid that if I can't help myself, I might hurt her so I just slowed myself down til we stopped. I gently pulled my lips away from her and just rested my forehead on hers; her hands didn't leave my face and she caressed it as I open my eyes. Sara looked at me and smiled; she then gave me one last peck on the lips before she slipped her hands down and wrap me up in her arms again.

That was exactly what I just needed to make me feel safe again. I still couldn't believe that we finally shared a kiss-- something that wasn't forced, and doesn't even have to be influenced by alcohol or lust. I've never had that kind of kiss for too long-- it was different; very different from what Tegan and I had just a week ago. I am still dumbfounded, it has never felt this good to kiss someone-- and to actually feel that way towards someone without any regret was a breath of fresh air for me. I can definitely tell that despite all that's happened to us this past month, I am at my happiest; I can tell the same for Sara, and this time I can confidently say, she's somehow ready to move on.


	15. Shock to your System

Nerve wracking. That's one thing to describe how this day started.

It was 6 in the morning and our alarm will come off in an hour. Sara is still sleeping, her hands wrapped around my waist from behind me as I lay there waiting for the sun to finally rise. I was just staring out at the window-- my thoughts filled of what would happen later today as I finally start filming. The fun days are over and this is the part where it gets ugly: stress from disagreement; most likely my principles vs. commercialism, then we have the girls possibly fighting over the littlest things, the producers, Stacy & David, and of course my constant battle with myself in avoiding Tegan. The day hasn't even started and I'm already tired; I just hope things will still be fun as Emy has promised.

I grabbed my phone from the side table and texted Veronica; before I forget anything else I would have to brief her in on the project and I don't want her to make a fool of herself.

I laid my hand over Sara's after I returned my phone on the table-- Sara moved her arms on top of mine and slipped her fingers into mine. I smiled as I feel her breath from behind my neck as she whisper "try to go back to sleep" She then kissed the back of my neck; now how will I ever go back to sleep? Not only did it give me chills down my spine, it also gave me ann instant shot of energy to start the day. I should be looking after another day with Sara--that would be enough to brush all the negativity and tension.

"ugh.. I can't sleep" I said as I turn to her and lie on my belly.

"are you nervous for today?" Sara asked, with her eyes closed.

"yeah.. a little." I said as I move in closer to her.

Sara reached her arms out and pulled me closer; she opened her eyes and rubbed my cheek with the back of her hand;

"you're gonna be great. you have to prove me right" Sara said smiling.

"oh wow. you're pressuring me. that's not gonna help" I said

Sara chuckled and just embraced me tightly and kissed my cheek.

"you're gonna do just fine.. trust me" she said as she rest her head back on the pillow. I just pushed myself further into her chest to feel her warmth; today isn't so bad after all. Sara will be beside me, for the first time since I got back, I felt at ease with her; Less tension, and she now calms me down-- something Tegan would have done by just holding my hand-- Sara would usually cause my nerves to kill me. I guess it's part of the process; you may feel comfortable with the person, but knowing that they used to have been nothing more than a friend, and now suddenly you're dating, it's different. It may feel awkward, but it also feels exciting; every second with Sara was indeed just an ordinary time spent with someone special-- the long talks, the coffee, and the (not so traditional for Sara) beach afternoon-- the simple things that tell you that you're onto something. May not be the most interesting thing in the word, but it definitely brings you to that zone that makes every bit of it, an electrifying moment. We spent the rest of the hour just in eachother's arms-- I honestly wanted to go back to sleep, but if it wasn't for this moment with Sara, I would have slipped back to dreamland already.

\-----------------------

Veronica arrived early just in time for the small briefing; we're skipping breakfast since there will be food in the studio. We left after we talked and drove down to pick Tegan up.

Angie agreed to make this some sort of a carpool confessional thing, so our drive down the studio for the past couple of weeks will be really interesting to say the least. I drove while I ask questions, while Veronica took the video from beside the driver's seat.

"so you guys excited on your first day?" I asked. the camera is attached to a monitor on my dashboard so I can see what Veronica was shooting; I kinda noticed she kept on zooming in on Tegan and it's bothering me for a bit, but not wanting to make a big deal out of it, I just let her be.

"well.." Tegan started "I'm really excited!"

"yeah me too" Sara added bluntly, but she does sound with a smile on her face

"we're working with 3 new producers on a couple of tracks and we're really looking forward to using new techniques on this" Tegan said

"yup.. lots of new stuff" Sara said; I looked up at the rear view mirror and saw Tegan looking back at me with a blank expression. I then immediately returned my attention back on the road

The girls just goofed around as usual-- Tegan would often tease Sara and Sara would just bluntly shoo her away. I'm surprised how both of them display themselves on the camera; it's as if there's not a lot on their minds and no one could guess that they're actually on a flight from a dangerous drug dealer.

When we arrived at the studio, the first thing I looked for was the pantry-- I'm starving and my nerves are parched from lack of caffeine. Veronica and I took my equipment in with us, while the girls call out someone from the crews in there to help-- I need to probably hire another guy in my team who can do all these for me-- and I definitely need a truck too-- it's getting a little too crowded on my trunk.

We reached the pantry and I immediately ransacked the cabinets for coffee-- thank heavens we have an unopened bag of freshly ground Costa beans, apparently brought in by one of the production people who got back from London. Sara and I brewed our cups and waited patiently in front of the coffee maker, as Tegan and Veronica join us in the kitchen.

"Coffee Junkies unite!" Tegan greeted as she pull out a cabinet open; Sara and I chuckled and gave her a look. Tegan looked back at us as she put out a box of cereals from the wooden cabinet;

"we don't have soy milk yet" Sara said. "I looked through the fridge already"

Tegan sighed and slightly slammed the cereal box on the counter top like a kid.

"we have instant salads though, so... you can just feast on that." Sara said.

"Good lord. fine." Tegan said as she put back the cereal box back on the cabinet.

She then went over to the fridge and pulled out the microwavables.

We helped ourselves to breakfast just at the garden in the backyard of the studio converted house; in the middle of sipping my coffee I saw Ted run towards us from inside the glass door. I immediately gulped a dollop of joe and put down my cup-- I then stood, walked over the glass door, opened it and greeted ted.

"Teddy!!!" I exclaimed as he embrace and lift me from the floor. "Oh God I missed you!" I said.

"i missed you too Joey" He said as he put me back on the ground. Tegan and Sara also walked over to give him a hug.

Ted, Jasper and Adam joined us for breakfast as I introduced Veronica to them and talk about a few things before they start recording, Though I was already taking photos and mobile videos of them. I notice Sara sending me side glances and smiling at me while I take photos and videos, and I could just feel Ted shooting us alternate looks of and sheepish smiles-- I guess he gets it this time; though at one point I also caught Tegan giving Sara blank stares. This is just awkward; and I'm sort of concerned that this is going to create bad blood between the girls-- though knowing them, they are matured enough to put this aside.

After breakfast, the girls introduced me to the new producers-- One of which is actually someone familiar to me. Lenny and I worked with him before, so it calmed me down a bit; Sara would often hold my hand subconsciously when she goes around the studio as I stand behind my HVR to take videos, and it would make me flinch, but I just allowed her to do whatever she wants-- if she's not ashamed of showing people what we are, then I shouldn't be ashamed too. It's nice that Sara's got more freetime during the first day, they're working on Tegan's songs first so that's an advantage while I adapt to this new work environment. There are tons of new faces from the label too, and it's getting a little too intimidating cause they're all roaming around doing work while I sit around to take videos and only stand up if I have to take photos. I haven't really made any friends yet, as I'm busy following the girls around.

Noon time came and I'm already exhausted from sitting around; I'm kinda bored but I really can't show it cause it might offend the girls. Veronica was having the time of her life though, I gave her a free pass since it's her first day and she's made a lot of new buddies.

The girls were called in for a lunch meeting while me, Ted and the rest of the band ate lunch. Jasper drove us down a nearby mexican restaurant just a couple of blocks away. It was a real treat to eat something else than vegetables and berries. I can tell I lost a few pounds from spending a month around the girls as I have adapted their eating habits. We got back to the studio after an hour, and we haven't even left the truck but I can already see Angie at the main entrance of the house with her arms crossed and wearing a frown. I got off the passenger seat from beside Jasper, and walked over to Angie.

"where's Veronica?" she asked.

"she's.."I looked behind me and called her over. Veronica and the rest of the band walked over us and greeted Angie.

"we need to talk." Angie told Veronica. She better not have done anything wrong this time, but the way Angie talked, and considering that she even waited for us to arrive is giving me all the wrong signals.

I looked back at Veronica and shot her a furious look as we enter the house. We followed Angie around as she walked down the conference room; Veronica and I shared one last nervous look and sighed as she open the door. We got in and saw Tegan and Sara sitting down at the conference room; and they don't look too happy.

"take a seat you two" Angie said as she sit down with the girls. I slowly pulled the only vacant seat right beside tegan as Veronica already took the one beside Sara.

"okay.. I;m gonna go straight to the point." Angie started as she pull her hands together. "Veronica, we need you to delete the photos you posted on instagram. or maybe at least remove the tags, and keep your account private. no wait, scratch that, just delete the photos please."

Shit. I looked over at Veronica and gave her that look one more time; I wanted to scold her, but I don't really want to add up to the tension. She looks like she's about to cry and reason out, but she just nodded and said "yes Angie, I will delete them."

Angie cleared her throat. "do it now.. please?" she asked nicely. "I just don't want any of us to lose our jobs especially on the first day.. Jo took you in under her wing, so technically you are her responsibility. you don't want to get her in any trouble right?" Veronica nodded.

"as you also know, Jo is a really good friend of Sara and Tegan, so we don't want to lose the credibility of the girls when it comes to hiring their friends for their label, you understand, Veronica?" she asked. Veronica wasn't really looking at any of us, she does seem embarrassed, but she just nodded and said "yes I do.. I'm sorry."

Angie smiled and loosened up. "okay.. this will be your final warning, I will not ask you to remove the photos on your phone, okay? just make sure that all the photos you posted of the girls during recording be deleted." Angie then stood up. "so, that's it for me.. I have to go back Burbank. I'll see you soon guys." We bid Angie goodbye as she left the conference room.

Once the door closed, I immediately looked over at Veronica. "WHAT. THE. FUCK. VERONICA. we talked about this"

Tegan then gently pat my shoulder "hey, it's okay.. no harm done.. calm down." I looked back at Tegan and just glared at her hands and shot her a look. I cleared my throat and she then removed her hands off me. I sighed. "Im sorry." I bowed. I then stood up and left the conference room.

I quickly walked out to the parking lot to smoke, and as I lit my stick, Sara was just right behind me and slowly pulled the cigarette away from my mouth.

"calm down, no one's getting fired." she said as she throw my cigarette on the ground.

Sara stepped on it and looked up at me as I sigh and cross my arms.

"I'm sorry" I said as I look down.

"It's not your fault dear. come on, let's get back inside." Sara said rubbing my back and leading me back to the door.

I was just really upset, I feel embarrassed and I take this job seriously even if I'm practically working with my friends here. I took Veronica in, and blindedly trusted her cause Sam knows her; apparently I was wrong. Hopefully after today I won't have to go through this same dilemma.

Sara and I got back in, and everyone was just looking at us as we walk towards the recording studio. Veronica was at one corner, monitoring my HVR while Tegan flip through the music sheets as she stand in front of the mic. Veronica was quiet, I didn't really want to have to talk to her either, but she handed out my camera-- "thanks" I said bluntly without looking at her as I take it.

Sara sat beside her and gave her a smile as I put the camera strap on. Sara just surveyed me and monitored the HVR with Veronica while I take photos of Tegan and the producers. I must admit that despite what just happened, I felt a bit distracted seeing Tegan behind that booth. This particular song she's working on sounds a little too depressing-- and she's giving it perfect justice so I was in the zone-- which is a good thing cause her emotions register so well on the camera.

After Tegan and the producers worked on the song for the first day, I had to ambush them for an obligatory first day interview, which we conducted inside the conference room, on closed door. Angie told me not to make the interview itself accessible to anyone from the crew, even the girls. She emailed the questions to me earlier today but she gave me the liberty to add up anything that I think fits the interview. After about 3 hours of chatting, (which turned out to be one of the most fun and sensible interviews I've done in my entire career, we all decided to call it a day.

The drive back down to Tegan's apartment was pretty awkward-- we were required to record the whole drive and ask the girls about how their day went. Of course they didn't talk about the instagram incident, but Veronica still looks upset about what happened. Tegan ended up making us all laugh along the way anyway, so somehow the drive ended in a light mood.

We all then decided to go out for dinner before we reached echopark; Tegan asked earlier if we wanted to hang out in her apartment, I was really praying Sara would say no-- and she did-- which made me feel relieved. I mean I won't be able to stand that place anymore, and I'm glad Sara is somehow taking my feelings into consideration--she definitely knows that a week will never be enough to recover from a decade of run around with her sister.

As usual, we went to mohawk bend just a few blocks away from Tegan's apartment; I know this place also brought back memories of that day that I saw Tegan and Lindsey, but at least its relaxing ambiance at night helped in making it easy for me to cope.

The 4 of us sat on a corner table outside, not wanting to get attention form a lot of people, but considering that monday night isn't always a busy night in this part of L.A. makes it easy for us to hang out for a few more hours after dinner. Sara's phone has been ringing off the hook the whole night, by the way; and she's just looking at it, then rejecting the call, then put it back her jacket pocket. It was only until desert time that she take it out and put it on top if the table. I don't really want to ask her who it was cause I don't want to seem a little too all knowing with who she talks to, or what she does. Considering that the calls were onto her personal phone, so I don't think it's business after all.

"So... I know I haven't spoken much about it, but how exactly did Angie found out about the photos?" I asked.

Veronica looked up at me and forced herself not to smile; Tegan chuckled and Sara just smiled but shook her head.

"what...?" I asked as they all keep mum about it.

"well... someone reposted it on L-chat, and then on tumblr. and the rest is Tegan and Sara history." Vernoica said.

"Oh God." I said as I chuckle and face palm. "you guys.." I looked up at the girls as I grab my wine glass "have the biggest stalker fans in this world."

"tell me about it." Sara said as she tilt her phone to see her notifs. I just gave Sara a look and waited till she look back but she was busy reading through her phone. she finished reading and dropped it back on the table and smiled at me. Sara sat back, drank her wine and crossed her arms after returning her glass on the table.

Her phone rang again-- I slightly looked at it right away and shuddered once I saw the name of the caller. It was Julie. I felt my heart drop for a bit there, but quickly pulled myself together. I swallowed and cleared my throat as Sara pick it up and cancel it.

"Just answer her call, and tell her you're not interested. it's that easy Sara." Tegan mumbled in a low tone as she lean over Sara.

Interested in what? is Julie asking her out on a date? or is she being invited for a project of some sort? I made sure I wasn't thinking aloud, but I really wanted to ask Sara about it.

Sara just shook her head on Tegan and drank her wine. She didn't speak-- what the fuck was that all about??? Why is she dodging Julie? Knowing Sara, she's not the type to beat around the bush if she doesn't want to hang around-- but what for? I don't even know why Julie was contacting her; maybe they've been really good friends? or maybe they used to date? They seem very close when we met them this Sunday for the interview. I've also noticed how Sara was so focused on texting through her personal phone recently; I mean she can be exchanging messages with anyone for all I care and I don't think it's none of my business-- but after seeing them the other day, I can't help but think if they've been communicating all this time.

There was silence until our business phones beeped for an email. We all looked at eachother for a minute then proceeded to look into our phones-- it was from Kim. Tegan chuckled as we open the email

"I feel like we're on a real life PLL... What is A up to this time now??" she said.

Veronica and I chuckled-- I feel Sara did get the reference but just wasn't too amused of it.

I scrolled through the message but I wasn't really prepared for what I was about to read; it was sent to only the 3 of us who saw the gunshot in Sara's apartment. It was a forwarded message from the DA's office to Sara's representative-- she is being called in to NYC for on the case. Sara isn't going alone, as she will be with tons of security personnel, but I'm staying in Calinfornia for the job. This means, Sara will be away for a few days and I'll be left to work with Tegan.

The thought of not having Sara around for the next 4 days is already getting the best of me-- my heart almost dropped as I imagine having to deal with Tegan on my own for this week.

Sara sighed and forced a smile; I guess we've all sort of forgotten we have to deal with this sooner or later-- so I would understand if Sara suddenly felt a little off this minute.

"shall we go?" she asked as she put her phones back on her bag. Tegan gave her a concerned smile and nodded as she stand up and get her wallet from her back pocket while I called out a waiter for the tab.


	16. When I get up

Sara will be leaving today and I can't dread this day more. Sara and I slept right after she packed last night; it was so clear to me when she said she'll miss me for the next 4 days-- we were both so upset that we fell asleep tied in eachother's arms, and I woke up today still tangled in her slender limbs.

Tegan and I decided to send Sara off today to at least show support, and make sure we meet her escorts, So I had to get up early to prepare. I took a warm shower to de-stress my muscles from the cold night; after, I then slipped into a robe, wrapped my hair in a towel and went over the kitchen to prepare breakfast.

I was in the middle of beating the eggs for the waffle batter when I felt a warm pair of arms slip through my waist from behind me.

"Good Morning" greeted Sara, resting her chin on my shoulders as she hug me.

I smiled and said "Well my mornings couldn't get any better"

Sara chuckled and slowly pulled my hands and turn me to her. She smiled and gave me a warm, wet kiss as she slip her hands further down my back. It sent shocks to my chest, and just made this whole morning even harder for me to grasp-- the feeling of delight that's come upon me today will be replaced by a light depression for her absence in the next coming days.

_oh well fuck, she's making it hard not to miss her after today_

"what about now?" she asked after pulling away from the kiss.

I jerked my shoulders "well that didn't top our first kiss.. but technically that was a goodnight kiss, so yeah.. still better than the your previous goodmorning kisses." I teased.

We shared a good laugh as I try hard not to faint from seeing how beautiful she looks when she grins. Sara shyly swept her bangs over her ears as I slowly let go of her and go back to business with the breakfast. She then went over the counter table just beside the workstation and sat on it; she crossed her arms, swayed her feet like a kid and watched me prepare.

"what are we making?" she asked

"waffles, honey" _did I just call her honey?_ I almost shuddered.

"do we still have blueberries? I love them on waffles." Sara said.

I smiled; of course I knew how much she loved them on these, so I made sure we have berries-- duh?

"yeah I asked Tegan to buy us some before she gets here" I said-- recalling that I texted Tegan earlier about the berries.

Sara chuckled "it's amazing how you can boss her around like that. Nobody can do that."

I then put down the bowl after mixing the batter in, and looked over Sara; "well she's got a lot to make up for, so.." I said as I unwrap my hair from the towel.

Sara grinned and said "you silly girl" as I let down my damp hair; she then stretched her arms "come here"

I hung the towel on the kitchen chair and walked over to Sara, I pushed myself in between her legs as I pull her towards the edge of the countertop, closer to me.

Sara embraced me and I just then rested my head over her chest. "do you think I"m gonna be fine tomorrow?" Sara asked.

I nodded; "you should be... you need to be tough, Sara."

She sighed. "I know. I'm so glad Mom is coming, or else I'd probably just break down even before I could step in the court" she said.

The sadness and nervousness not only showed on her body-- despite the fast heart beat and the slight shivers, Sara's voice gave it away. I really wish I could be there for her tomorrow when she faces Stacy in court, but It probably won't feel right seeing them in that situation.

"I don't want to sound a little insensitive, but I never really expected something like that would have to go down between you two." I said.

"I did" She answered bluntly.

I raised my head and looked at her. "how can you say?"

"I just knew. It was just very unlikely of Stacy to just suddenly drop the communication for 2 weeks, not a single call, not a single text or email while she's still doing small projects for the label-- and it's crazy, you know?" she said. Sara shook her head; I was just staring at her, frowning-- trying to process her break up in my head that early in the morning. "She's unbelievable. I hated how she turned out-- she was not the same person. Even when I saw her again last week, it's as if.. I don't know her anymore."

I didn't say anything. "But I'm glad and thankful to have you around." she added-- well that confirms that we feel the same way toward eachother.

Sara smiled at me and just embraced me again; I could feel how Sara's grip on my arms tighten as I dig my lips down her neck without hesitation. I slipped my hands to her bare thighs and squeezed it --it's hard to fight my urge and stop myself from making out with her from seeing her in those thin white shirt and short shorts-- we'll probably delay her flight, cause I can tell she's responding well to my movement and didn't want to stop me from taking the lead. She and Tegan are so petite, that on a more physical aspect, I could pass for a top; I guess Sara was a little surprised with my gesture, but I can tell she liked it. I began to slowly pull away but she pulled me further into her and dove her face down to mine and kissed me again.

I felt Sara's roughness-- she bit my lower lip as she feast on it while her leg wrapped itself on my waist. She was asking for it, I could tell. I was so preoccupied on giving into her that I didn't realize that her hands have already slipped inside my robe and making its way over my breasts. I was feeling lost to her touch and I wanted more of it and that moment to progress into something more intimate but just as I was feeling the heat reach my core, the doorbell rang.

I exhaled as we slowly pull away from eachother. "I'll get it. that's prolly Tegan" Sara said in disappointment. I sighed and nodded as I forced myself not to laugh from our little misfortune. Sara carefully came down from the counter top as I pull my robe in and tighten the knot of my belt. I gave my hair one last sweep before heading back to making the waffles as Sara leave the kitchen to get the door.

\------------------------------------------

Tegan joined me and Sara in the kitchen; she looked obviously bummed that Sara will be leaving today and was just teasing her on how much she'll miss her. I also took a few photos while we're at it, but didn't really take the time to do more than just that on the side. While I was making the waffles, I overheard the girls talking about Stacy-- I wasn't really paying too much attention to it until Sara mentioned that she can't wait to find out who the guy Stacy was with; I was afraid Sara would ask about David these past few days, luckily the name was never mentioned after I left the hospital. I figured Sara understood that Stacy saying something about David before she left actually caused me to pass out in fear, so she didn't ask me anymore about it.

"..and you know what's weird, the only time that I heard Stacy mention an unknown man's name was when she came to Jo's house" Sara said. I cringed and just pressed my eyes closed; hoping that Sara won't have to ask Tegan anything about it-- not that I don't trust Tegan would say that I know who the man was-- but the thought of David is just not a good thing at any angle; I really wished he didn't even have to be part of this. sooner or later Sara is going to ask me about David, and I don't want the day to come where she had to find out about it by other means-- I don't want her to think that I kept it from her all this time.

I finished off putting all the waffles on the plate and brought it with me to the dining area. Sara stood to get plates for us as I put the waffles on the table.

\------------------------------------------

After breakfast, I dressed up as the girls clean up on the kitchen, right after, I then joined Tegan on the dining area as Sara take a shower.

I cleared my throat as I settle in a chair right in front of Tegan, across the table.

"did you tell her about David yet?" I asked in a lowtone.

Tegan shook her head, "please don't tell anything to Sara"

I sighed "well, she needs to know, don't you think?"

Tegan licked her lips, obviously trying to find the right words. I looked over the hallway to make sure that Sara wasn't around.

"look, I know you don't want me to meddle with this, but I don't want Sara to think that I'm keeping things from her."

Tegan crossed her arms "see, what we know about David was only his past, and his bad reputation. After he bailed out, we had no news about him. Whatever they did in the apartment, it's all an assumption. I want the right people to work on this and have them find out what really happened."

I leaned over the table and tried to get as close as I can to Tegan.

"I remember Sara asking me who David was before I passed out that night Stacy came; if you only saw how confused she was. Sara deserves to know."

Tegan glared at me and leaned over too--she was obviously irritated; "Jo, you can tell Sara who David is to you, that's your secret to tell; but please, don't mention that he's the guy on the footage, if she asks you how Stacy knew him, tell her you don't know."

"but what if she asks for photos?"

"Show her the photos, let her figure it out. just keep yourself out of this, I don't want you involved."

I just sighed and sat back as I crossed my arms trying to contemplate on all this; I don't want to have to keep things from Sara, but Tegan was right-- what we know about David and Stacy that night were all speculations, and I don't want to give any wrong information to Sara.

Tegan and I just sat there quietly, not really talking or even looking at eachother; maybe unusual for her, but I'd like it this way instead of having to fight with her about the two of us. Luckily Sara came out of the room after a few minutes, her hair still wet from the shower, clad in her khaki jacket and pulling her suitcase with her.

"are we ready?" Tegan asked as she stood. I looked away from Sara and just bowed as I clear my throat--I don't really want to see her leave.

"yeah" Sara answered-- a little of hesitation on her voice, but she said it straight.

I then stood up; "I'll just get my purse and jacket, I'll meet you two at the lobby" I said as I walk over to our bedroom.

\----------------------------------------

Sara sat in front with me and held my hand as I was driving-- perks of having an automatic transmission. I just lazily stir the wheel as I squeeze Sara's hand. I could tell from my peripherals that she was just looking over me almost the whole time I was driving. I would give her a short glimpse and smile; but I almost tore up when she kissed my hand. I'm really gonna miss her-- if only I could fly with her to NYC, I would, but I have work to do here.

We arrived at LAX just in time for her to check in, we walked with her towards the entrance of the airport and met up with her escorts. Tegan talked to them while Sara and I just won't let go of eachother.

"I'm really, really gonna miss you." Sara said as she face me and bow down--still holding my hands.

I just pursed my lips and said "me too."

Sara closed in on me and embraced me real tight, her head resting on my shoulder and not an inch in distance.

I didn't wanna say anything to make this harder for both of us, so I just kept quiet and kissed her head as I caress her back.

Tegan then approached us "Okay love birds, time to go."

Sara slowly pulled away, but still not letting go of my arms-- It's as if she wants me to come and she's hesitating to leave. The escorts walked over right behind Tegan; they look really buff and scary, people are definitely gonna be afraid in approaching Sara with these 3 body guards. Sara wasn't too interested in them though, she was busy squeezing on my hands as I was trying to stop myself from crying.

Sara looked up at me and smiled; "you take care, I'll be back in 4 days, but I'll fly in earlier if I could. I'll miss you."

I smiled back at her and just nodded "I'll miss you too. you have a safe flight, ok? and goodluck for tomorrow"

Sara slowly let go of me and fixed the strap of her bag on her shoulders. "I will. I'll call you guys when I land"

I nodded, still trying to stop myself from tearing up; I know it's only 4 days, but I've been used to having her around everyday-- I feel like a mother sending her kid to nursery school for the first time.

Sara turned to Tegan and gave her a hug. "goodluck." Tegan said as she pat Sara's back-- their embrace were tight; it's as if Tegan doesn't want to send her off on her own as well.

"kick some Reader ass for me will you" Tegan said.

Sara just chuckled and waved us goodbye, She then turned around and walked towards the entrance.

Tegan and I then turned to walk back down to the parking as Sara enter the airport.

"Jo!"

I turned around and saw Sara almost running towards me; we're not even 2 meters away and Sara already called out on me.

Her face was red, and she was frowning-- almost to the point of crying. I walked over to grab her while she lift her arms as she approach me. I just pulled her in and held her real tight;

"hey.. you miss me already?" I asked

Sara chuckled, but she sniffed as she lift her head, our arms still wrapped around eachother.

she didn't say anything-- but the emotion on her face showed clearly how much she doesn't want to go without me; but to my surprise, and without any hesitation, Sara leaned over and kissed me.

In Public. In front of her body guards, and in front of Tegan.


	17. Missing You

_**Sara then without any hesitation, leaned over and kissed me. In Public. In front of her body guards and in front of Tegan.** _

Sara slowly pulled away, then embraced me for the last time before she walked back to the entrance and leave.

I was just standing there as we wave at eachother from the glass walls of the airport-- I want to just run over to her and fly in to NYC with her. I was trying to stop myself from crying as Sara walk farther away and I can't see her anymore. I slowly dropped my hands and turned to Tegan.

I looked over Tegan and saw her leaning against the wall, her hands on her pocket and looking towards the driveway pensively.

"let's go?" I asked as I walk over Tegan.

She just rolled her eyes away and left the wall; Tegan didn't answer but just walked away ahead of me.

"I'll take that as a yes" I said as I wipe my face dry.

Tegan and I rode my car without speaking, and the rest of the drive back to the studio was just pure silence.

where the hell is Veronica when you need her? No carpool confessionals til Sara comes back, so I'm gonna have to get used to this silent treatment until this weekend.

We arrived at the lot where the studio is and parked my car down a spot. I killed the engine and unlocked the doors-- and Tegan just flew out of the car, slammed the door closed and walked away from me without a word; not that I expect her to talk to me about anything, but I was a little taken aback by her actions; was she mad because of how Sara and I acted with her around? I mean she doesn't have the right to be mad anyways, so I don't get where that came from.

\----------------------------------------------

Today was busy; since sara wasnt around, I made sure I keep my feet moving and my tapes rolling. There weren't really any interaction with Tegan-- just plain video recording of footage, and I would take photos just for the heck of it. I felt like a complete outcast in the studio without Sara around-- it's as if everyone was a stranger. I would be talking to the band, share a stick with one of the guys, and just drink more coffee on my break.

That night, Tegan didn't ride with me for a carpool-- apparently an unknown girl fetched her and I guess they went out for the night. I don't really care, but it would have been nice if she told me before hand so Veronica and I didn't have to wait for and hour-- if Ted didn't mention that she already left, we would have probably ended up with our eyeballs popped out.

I was feeling a little bummed out, and I havent heard from Sara all day, I mean I would understand that she was in a flight-- but I terribly miss her. All I wanted to do was just talk to her on the phone til I fal asleep, and then Ill be fine.

\----------------------------------------------

I woke up at 11 in the evening to a loud ring on my phone; it was from an unknown number-- I pushed myself off bed and quickly answered my phone

"Hello?"

_Hey_

I head Sara's voice from the other line;

I sighed in relief and smiled to myself-- I felt like crying in joy that very second.

"hey.. where were you?" I asked

I heard Sara give out a deep sigh.

_I'm really sorry, I had to get into a meeting with the lawyer, and a whole bunch of people, they asked me not to open my phone while I'm in town and get a new line._

well at least that explains why she's using a different number.

_so here I am.. I'm really sorry if I didn't call you as promised._

I didn't really care about her reason, I was just really happy to talk to her now.

"That's fine Sar, I'm just glad you're okay."

_How was your day? was everyone good to you while I was gone?_

I chuckled-- I don't want her to get the impression that I hate being around those people when she's away.

"well, I was doing okay.. everyone was really busy too, so we didn't get the chance to hang out or whatever. how was YOUR day?" I asked as I relax on the bed.

_It was horrible. Jet lag, and meetings. I never got the chance to rest til now._

The exhaustion was apparent on her voice, and I feel sorry that she has to go through this "almost" physical and emotional torture.

 _can I see you?_ she asked even before I can say anything.

"yeah but how?" I chuckled.

duh?

Oh yeah, I figured modern technology existed.

"oh. right. I'll just get my laptop, video call on 5."

_make it fast, I miss you._

I chuckled one last time as my stomach jolt from those words again, before I hung up the call.

\----------------------------

Sara and I spent the next two hours on a video call as we both lie in bed--- we didn;t really talk about the hearing tomorrow. There were a few moments where she would just smile and stare back at me on the monitor-- I was practically doing the same thing and I just couldn't last another day without her.

I really miss you.. I hope I could hug you for real. Sara said as she rest her face on the pillow. She smiled, but even before I could even say it back, her eyes closed out.

"Sara?" I called out, but she didn't move. I chuckled as I figured she already fell asleep; she might have been really tired. I touched her face through the monitor of my laptop, imagining that I'm caressing the real thing. I rested my head over my pillow as I sigh in frustration-- I just really wish she was "really" beside me tonight.

"goodnight, love." I said before I closed my eyes and send myself off to sleep.

\----------------------------

It was already an hour and a half past our call time and Tegan still is not in the studio. I came to her apartment earlier today to fetch her, we waited for her for almost 30 minutes in the driveway but she didn't come down, so we just left. Veronica and I assumed that she might have slept over her date's place, but I have a feeling that she might have just overslept. My job is to follow them around during the recording process, and if they're not around, none of us are going to be paid, so Veronica and I decided to drive back over to her apartment and wake her up myself.

We got into her door and started banging on it to wake her up-- but to our surprise, her door was unlocked.

"do you think she's already awake?" Veronica asked as I slowly open the door.

We got in and saw nothing but boxes and an almost empty apartment.

"Tegan? Are you home?" I asked as we walk along inside. I wasn't really feeling comfortable in coming to her apartment, but I really don't have any choice. Though It's a good thing that the apartment doesn't look the same way it did, so it helped that it looks different now that almost all their stuff were taken out. I guess Tegan and Lindsey finally gave up on the apartment-- but I wonder where Tegan would be staying in after.

I walked over the bathroom door that was slightly open, I pushed the door open and called Tegan out, but she wasn't there. Veronica on the other hand, walked over Tegan's bedroom, I followed her in and asked "did you see her here? she's not in the bat-----"

Tegan was in bed, naked (again) with another (surprise) woman. I didn't finish my question, cause apparently I got the answer already. I sighed in disbelief. Just what is it with this bedroom, that I often find myself in a rather sticky situation whenever I come in here? I quickly pulled Veronica away and led her outside the bedroom; I closed the door behind me and walked over Tegan and the girl, who are both sleeping soundly. Liquor bottles and cigarette butts were all over the floor, and there were even broken glass and ripped clothes. I was a little worried about Tegan and I immediately looked around for traces of drugs-- luckily there werent any-- though I can definitely smell a hint of marijuana in the room. I knelt beside the floor mattress where they were lying and shook Tegan to wake her up. I'm glad she was lying on her belly, and her ass was covered by the sheets, so I didn't have to go through the awkward thoughts of seeing her bare body.

Tegan flinched and slowly opened her eyes-- she stared at me for merely 5 seconds and said "holy shit" before she dumped her face back on the pillow.

She moved and slowly carried herself up from the bed; I immediately helped her up as she sway around naked--she looks awfully tired and hung over.

"had too much fun on a wednesday night, you prolly forgot about work, yeah?" I asked as I grab her waist while she put her arm around me. I slowly helped her down to the bed so she can sit-- while I pull in the sheets to help her cover herself.

"I am so sorry, I got so drunk." she said as she rub her head.

"yeah I can see that." I crossed my arms as I stand there and look down to her.

The girl beside tegan also started to wake up and move around the bed. She got up and saw Tegan--she then slowly worked her hands through Tegan's back and sat up behind her and gave her a kiss in the neck.

"good morning gorgeous." The girl said as she rest her head on Tegan's shoulder.

I just stood there smiling as Tegan stare at me from the bed-- she was obviously feeling really uncomfortable having this girl in her bed as I watch.

"uhmm.. you need to leave." she said as she look over the girl. Miss little brunette jerked and gave an 'I can't believe this jerk' look on tegan. "I have work." tegan added. The girl then looked up and finally saw me-- I just waved my hand and smiled at her.

Feeling a little embarrassed, the girl slowly pulled the sheets over to her bare chest; "Oh, don't worry I have boobs too.. so, I'm used to seeing them everyday." I then turned to Tegan "Please get dressed, you have a record to make." I then turned around towards the door and left them there. Tegan is just unbelievable-- Sara is not gonna be pleased about this. She was just gone for a day and her sister has already launched a missile-- I hope Tegan gets her shit together during this break up and not cost us all our jobs-- I really think that Tegan's selfishness is starting to get out of hand and is now causing others trouble.

\---------------------------------

After taking a much needed bath, and sending the girl off, Tegan, Veronica and I left for the studio. Everyone was busy when we arrived, so no one really noticed how swolled Tegan's eyes were from lack of sleep.

everyone was so worried about Tegan though, they thought she had an accident or whatever; it's very unlikely of her, as they say, but knowing her, that's just typical Tegan on the loose.

Tegan called off in the middle of recording-- she wasn't feeling too good and asked to be rushed to an emergency room to get her levels down. Angie disagreed, and instead asked if maybe she can just send someone to do it for her privately since they don't want to get attention-- this is just really irresponsible of her and I hope she gets a grip before all this cave in on her. So she needs to endure the discomfort of an IV liquid running through her veins during recording.

Sara's gonna be really pissed, I can tell.

\---------------------------------

Second day without Sara

Tegan is back on track, she was early today and was able to get enough rest from last night. While me on the other hand, haven't had a lot of sleep from chatting with Sara all night. The hearing went good for a start, no crying, no swearing, basically no drama according to Sara. I was a little too worried that Sara would mention something about David, but thankfully, she didn't. I guess she spent too much time worrying about it yesterday and just wanted to talk to me to get her mind off things even just for a little bit.

"you talked to Sara last night?" Tegan asked while we were on the way to the studio. I looked over her through the rearview mirror and glanced at Veronica, to send her signals that I don't want to talk about it with my assistant sitting right next to me.

I just said "yes"

Tegan then replied with an "alright, just asking"

I sighed in silence and just thanked the heavens that Tegan got my gesture.

When we arrived at the studio, Tegan asked me to come and talk with her at the backyard.

I got me a cup of coffee before I join her; I sat down beside her one of the benches as I took a sip.

"what's up?" I asked.

Tegan crossed her arms and smiled as she look at me; "so Sara and I were texting last night, I've been trying to call her but apparently she was busy talking to you on a video call."

I chuckled. "yeah.. she told me she hates how you bombarded her with questions about the hearing and she's had enough for the day and don't really want to talk about it." I said.

Tegan then nodded. "I see.. yeah. I guess I was giving her a hard yeah?"

I raised my eyebrows as I drink more from my cup.

"anyway.. about yesterday..." Tegan started.

I shook my head as I swallow; "oh no.. it's perfectly fine.. and uhm.. I don't want to talk about it."

Tegan smiled "did you tell Sara?"

I smiled back and shook my head.

"okay.. it's not like I don't want to tell her it's just that I don't really want her to worry.. but I will tell when she gets back here tomorrow." Tegan said.

I nodded "okay.."

Tegan then stood and stretched her arms. "by the way, it's our day off tomorrow, I need help packing the rest of my stuff. can you come over? Sara will be arriving at night anyway, so we can fetch her after."

she asked; well at least she finally confirmed that she's leaving the apartment;

"sure, that'll work." I said.

Tegan looked over me and gave me half a smile-- she looks a bit upset about something-- I guess the idea of leaving her and Lindsey's apartment isn't really a good thought for her. I feel bad that she had to go through it too, and as a "friend" I know how it feels for her.

"so you're leaving the apartment for good?" I asked as I stand from the bench.

"yeah.. we talked about it already and uhh.. the lease will end this coming sunday, and we decided none of us will continue the contract so we're both leaving it." she said as we walk inside.

"so where will you stay?" I asked.

Tegan smiled at me "I talked to Sam and she got me a good deal with this apartment just a block away from your guys' place. I'm moving in on sunday after I surrender the keys."

"I hope you don't mind me asking but, what about Linds?" I asked.

She shook her head. "well.. she didn't really want to talk to me about it, but she said she'll move in with a friend, I just don't know who. I have a feeling she'll be staying with Kristen. I was never really fond of her bond with her but as her girlfriend then, I don't really have a choice. She works for her.. so.. yeah."

I raised an eyebrow-- "I like Kristen, I think she's really nice, but.. I mean I know she's a train wreck at times, but I don't really know the person that well .do you think Lindsey would actually want to stay with her?"

Tegan shook her head. "I don't know. they're really close and I don't think Lindsey would mind living with her. She's always away, anyway." Tegan said as we both enter the living room.

The producers were already there sitting around and discussing a few things, I then put out my camera and started taking photos. We're definitely pressed for time on this project, the whole record will be finished in 2 months and so far, before their break, the girls have only finished 6 songs out of 11-- they were talking about how the release will most likely be delayed, and they're all worrying and shit while Tegan listen to them and just gave that "I don't give a fuck" face. Seriously, I think these people need to loosen up a bit; I mean they're being completely inconsiderate for not even taking into point, Sara's situation.

Today is Sara's last day in NYC and she'll be coming home tomorrow, finally; I don't think I could last another day without her. After recording, Tegan, Veronica and I left right away so we can rest early for the night.

"No more alcohol please?" I said as I pull over Tegan's driveway.

Tegan chuckled and game that sheepish grin I am so familiar with; oh dear, just the look of trouble fits her so bad.

"don't worry, I learned my lesson." Tegan said as she open the car door.

I was about to tell her not to bring in a girl again, but that may sound a little off, so I decided against it.

"goodnight" I said as she come down from the car.

Tegan just smiled at me and waved goodbye.

I doubt that Tegan is even going to rest early tonight-- though I really couldn't care less, I'm just a little concerned of what Sara's going to say or feel if she finds out her sister is sleepig around and drinking again. I just hope Tegan comes around before it's too late; I still care for her anyway, and I'd hate to see her doing that to herself again--it just isn't the right time, and she's not really the best in keeping her shit together in a break up-- she may wear a smile, but when the lights come off, she's a fucking mess.


	18. Don't Confess

The next day, I came over Tegan's apartment after lunch, she was just lazing around drinking tea when I arrived.

She was obviously happy to see me, I guess she's been spending too much time on her own-- or maybe not, but her face definitely lit up when I arrived.

"lunch?" Tegan asked as she approach me.

"nah, I'm full, I came in prepared for war." I said. She chuckled and gave me a cheek as a greeting.

I jerked and suddenly felt awkward as her lips brush through my face. She was holding my arms as she leaned over so she felt me get goosebumps. She looked over it and said "Relax Jo." I just sighed and shook my head.

Tegan chuckled and moved over to the kitchen to put down her cup of tea.

"So I need help wrapping kitchen wares in these recycled papers-- shall we start?" she asked as she look around the kitchen.

I hung my bag over at the coat hook at the back of her door and walked over to her so we can start packing.

\-------------------------------------------

We finished packing everything in the kitchen and segregated all of it. We sealed the boxes and labeled them.

"so who's going to keep all this? you?" I asked as I push the last box towards the corner of the room where all the other boxes stood.

Tegan shook her head-- "nah, Lindsey and I decided to sell everything."

"and then you'll split the earnings?"

Tegan smiled then glared at me "you're seriously asking me that question?"

I narrowed my eyes on her and shook my head "oh yeah I forgot how big of a star you are and how you don't really need what little money you'll get from a garage sale."

Tegan laughed and messed my hair up as she sit down with me on the floor. I felt another trail of goosebumps on my skin when she did that-- I frowned but I quickly brushed the thought away.

<i> fuck. What is this I'm feeling? I missed Tegan's company, but this isn't right.</i>

I went over my bag and took my camera out to take a few photos of Tegan instead-- I came back to her living room, and saw her now lying down on the floor. I then snapped photos of her from my view on top of her. She was trying hard to pose like fashion model-- but she looks totally ridiculous so I couldn't help but roar in laughter. Tegan also burst into laughter, as I ended up sitting on the floor and trying to contain myself. I removed my camera off from my neck and placed it carefully on the floor. I covered my face and just breathed in to stop myself from laughing;

"oh my God. don't ever do that again." I said as my voice tremble from the laughter.

"holy shit, delete those please" she said as she sat up.

I shook my head "oh no. I won't.. I could use them to blackmail you" I meant that.

"come on, delete it. please?" Tegan said seriously. I moved slightly over to my camera to block it and avoid her from taking it, and shook my head.

"jo.." tegan said as she pose an annoyed face.

I smiled and said "No Tegan."

I slipped my hand over to my camera and grabbed it as Tegan quickly reached for it, I was practically almost lying down as I lean my elbow on the wooden floor, while my other hand is pushing Tegan away. But Tegan was too eager to get my camera and she ended up knocking my elbow and pinning me down on the floor.

I almost hit my head, but her hands were behind me already to catch it; I just lied there under her, feeling a little too uneasy-- It was like deja vu. This was the exact same thing that happened when I proved to myself that sparks flew when Sara and I touched for the first time.

Tegan and I were staring at eachother-- I felt how surprised she was with what just happened. I guess we were both preoccupied these past few days that we forgot what we used to feel about eachother. I thought it was gone for good-- unfortunately, this proved me wrong. I wanted to brush it off, but I couldn't help myself and I just started to tear up. I sighed and closed my eyes as I pull my arms and lean on the floor-- but Tegan held me down.

"I'm gonna delete the photos, alright?" I said, with a little bit of tension on my voice as I relax back on the floor.

Tegan looked down on me and just wiped my tears.

"please don't cry, babe" Tegan whispered as her eyes glisten from her own tears.

I wanted to stop crying that very second, but I failed-- my lips started to tremble and my tears just kept flowing as I see Tegan frown and wipe her face dry. I didn't expect her to cry-- though I also did not expect her to move on quickly. Knowing Tegan, she dates people to help her get over an old love-- she was never single for too long and I really hate her about that.

Tegan pushed herself up from me, but even before she can lift the rest of her body up, her front door swung open. We jerked and quickly pulled away from eachother-- and to our horror, Lindsey was standing there, her mouth slightly open and her eyes wide from a slight shock.

"just, fuck you, both of you" Lindsey said as she throw her keys over to us.

"Lindsey, it's not what it looks like we----" I said, but Lindsey ran off.

I quickly got up and followed her out; "Jo! come back! let it go!" Tegan called, but I didn't stop.

I caught up with Lindsey at the elevator "Lindsey, I'm really sorry, Tegan and I were just fighting about something and we ended up on the floor, it's not what it looks like, we're long over." I said.

Lindsey slowly turned around and faced me. "I trusted you. I even called you a friend and you stole tegan away from me! how can you do this?!" she said.

I frowned and cried even more "I did not steal Tegan away fro-----"

"You know what's wrong with you? You just couldn't get your hands off Tegan. You're a fucking slut who just kept on hoping that one day she will take you seriously." I felt as if her words were slapping me in the face.

"well, news flash!" Lindsey closed in on me. "Tegan will never truly love you."

I forced myself to stop crying, but I just can't. I shook my head and said "I know that; and I never hoped that she ever will because I know that I will never be more than just a rebound girlfriend-- wait a minute," I wiped my tears. "why are you even mad at me? I didn't break you guys up in the first place, Tegan broke up with you even before I got into the picture, why are you blaming me now?"

"JO!" Tegan called. I turned around and saw her running towards us.

Tegan approached us and sighed. "Lindsey, I'm sorry, I--" Lindsey's hands flew over Tegan's face.

"that's for lying to me all this time. I trusted both of you and this is what you do to me? I believed you when you said you'd stay away from her, just for respect even though we're over, BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS NOW HUH?"

"She stayed away, Linds. What you saw back there isn't what it looks like, okay?" I said as I try to push Tegan behind me.

Just as I was about to hold Lindsey's hand to show my sincerity, she slapped me too. Her hands were really heavy and I could feel my cheeks throb from the pain, my neck also felt a little painful from the sudden impact.

"you get your ass off our issues, bitch. You know nothing about me and Tegan. I don't care what you say, I saw what I saw."

The elevator door opened; and without a word, Lindsey entered, covered her face and cried her eyes out as the elevator door close out on us.

\------------------------------------------------

Tegan and I were back at her apartment, lying on the floor again compressing our cheeks with cold packs.

"well that was fun." Tegan said.

I chuckled and shook my head. "yeah, well.. we better stay away from each other, It's driving people crazy."

I looked over Tegan; she was just looking at me, her face serious and her stare was deep as she caress her cheek.

Tegan sat up, and then leaned over closer to me; "I don't really wanna do that." she whispered.

"tegan.. we talked about this." I said.

Tegan dropped the ice pack on the floor, sighed and rolled her eyes. "okay, fine.. but we've been friends for years as well, it's just not fair!" she shook her head.

I pursed my lips and just looked away from tegan; I sighed and threw my pack on the floor as well.

"well.. I did miss our bonding.. so.. i won't dodge you if you promise not to let drama get in the middle of us again?" I said.

Tegan smiled and messed my hair up again; "I promise." she said.

"although I have to be honest, I'm still feeling a lil bit jealous whenever I see you and Sara together." Tegan's face became serious again-- I guess I wasn't too aware that she still feels that way.

"I'm sorry.." I said.

Tegan smiled again and said "Don't be..I think I'll just have to get used to seeing you and Sara together like that."

"well it's been hard for me too. There are times that I just, miss you, and I wanna come over to you and just hug you for the heck of it, and earlier I guess I broke down cause we never had a proper closure, so when you closed in on me like that...every bit of pain that I've been hiding from you and Sara, actually came around." I sat up "But I guess we just really needed to talk on our own, right?" I said as I wrap my arm on my knee.

Tegan raised her head and rested it on her palms as she lean her elbow on the floor. "yeah.. there was just no chance for us to talk without our tempers rising" she said as she chuckle.

I smiled and just shook my head. "Oh dear.. I guess we're gonna have to do "the talk" one of these days anyway so.. might as well do it now?." I said.

Tegan sat up; there was silence-- but she just couldn't relax. She stared at me for a few minutes without talking-- playing with her fingers, and her legs just moving in every direction-- she looks rather nervous.

"I.. uh.." were the first words that came out of her mouth. "I still love you.." she finally said. But just whatever happened to keeping emotions at bay when this is what she starts me with? "..But I'm making way for Sara and I know she can love you more than I do.. and she can give you what you deserve. I wanna fight for you, but.. I don't think you'll ever take me back" she said without a blink.

I swallowed and just pursed my lips. "that time you caught us, Lindsey and I were in the middle of a break up sex." she chuckled. "God that was so embarrassing"

"well, I know that you're used to having sex with girls you don't feel anything for, but for you to give Lindsey a break up sex? wasn't that just.. disrespectful?" I asked.

"you see, I'm not going to blame it on her though she asked for it. On my part, I tried, to at least maybe give it another shot, that maybe the love was still there. But instead, it just reassured me that I don't love her the same anymore." Tegan said. "I feel sorry about what I did to her, to you especially." I felt my eyes warm up a bit, so I closed my eyes and tried not to cry.

"but earlier that day.. you said you loved me. so you weren't even sure?" I asked.

"honestly?" she said. "I am sure of what I feel; but all I could think of was Lindsey's crying face when I lied to her about sleeping with someone. I know clearly what I feel about you. It's just that, I feel guilty. So I wanted to, at least try to.. somehow fix it." Tegan bowed her head down.

I frowned. "so what would have happened if you actually still felt the same for Lindsey?"

"I hope you won't get mad, but I honestly didn't know how to let go of you either-- so I guess I would have you on the backside again" I appreciate that she's being honest-- and I must admit that if THAT actually happened, my old self would have probably permitted Tegan to do so.

"oh.. okay.. "I said, my voice started to break. I was feeling a little sad that she wasn't even ready to fight for me then even after she said she would. "I was glad that you feel reassured, but.. I don't know, it makes me feel sad that you were ready to cheat on Lindsey, but you couldn't keep me on a pedestal." I said.

"I know. I'm such a dick, and there's not one day I didn't regret it." she said. I then lied back down on the floor and just spread my arms out and sighed.

"that would have been so fucked up." I said.

She chuckled; but it was quick and her face got serious again.

"jo.. can I ask you a favor? just for this once?" she asked.

"sure" I said. We both smiled, Tegan then stood up and went over to her iPod dock and played a song.

The first part of the song immediately hit me with nostalgia-- It was one of those songs that I dedicated to her a couple of years back.

"oh God." I said as I cover my face. I love this song-- Sara told me that despite the fact that when she wrote it, it was inspired by her own feelings, but my feelings for Tegan could never be more accurate on this.

I can hear Tegan's footsteps coming "last dance to this song?" she asked

I removed my hands and saw her reaching her arms out to me as she lean down. I looked up to her and stared a bit in hesitation, but this will be the last time anyway, so I slowly sat up and grabbed her hands; she then pulled me closer to her and swayed us slowly as Sara Bareilles sang the first verse to Gravity.

"I hate you." I said as I rest my head on her shoulder.

Tegan chuckled. "we both know that when you say that, you don't really mean it."

I closed my eyes and visited that place in my head that I locked myself out of for the past years-- I recall the last time Tegan and I listened to this song together. It was back in 2009 after what seemed to be the last time we had sex, one night in November-- a few days after I found out that she and Lindsey were already together. I was so mad at her, and the song could not be any perfect-- that was the day I realized I'd never get myself out of this limbo; that I'd always come back to Tegan no matter how many times she hurt me, no matter what I do to forget her, it will always be her. But that was also the last night we were together; it was that night that I decided I'd never be stupid for her again-- that I will not allow her to do the same thing to me over and over.

I don't ever want to go back there again-- I've worked my way through leaving everything behind-- then falling to that pit again, and finally getting up on my feet. I really hope this is the last time-- with my feelings for Sara growing like this, I'm sure Tegan and I will not go back there again.

I sighed and looked up at Tegan. "No.. I really hate you." I said, but it just sent us both laughing,

"close your eyes" Tegan said.

My lax composure became tensed "why?" I asked.

"just close it." She said.

I exhaled; "fine" I said as I close my eyes.

I could hear her breathing heavily, and I can feel the air brushing through my face; until I felt Tegan's cheeks touch mine. To my own surprise, I didn't jerk from feeling her. Our face were wet from tears-- but I wasn't feeling sadness, or regret; I felt relieved and I felt like I was releasing all the pain I've kept all this years.

Tegan held my face back and pulled away as I open my eyes. Tegan stared at me in complete sadness, she kissed my forehead and pulled me in again for an embrace; I closed my eyes back as I savor the last moment. I just smiled, and let out a deep sigh as I wrap my arms around her, at this point, I can say that I am no longer going to feel her like this ever again-- cause I can finally live up to my promise to myself-- that the feeling was gone; I care for Tegan, but I'm ready to move on.


	19. Red Belt

Despite the fact that I'm clearly over Tegan, I can't just get through without telling Sara what happened today. While we were driving down to LAX, Tegan and I agreed to tell Sara about Lindsey, and our little talk.

I didn't know how Sara would take it, but I'd rather be honest. Though I don't know if it's really a good idea considering all that she's going through right now. I'll probably put that on a parking lot for the mean time.., I just hope when I tell her, it won't be too late.

We reached the arrival area just in time; Sara just got down to the driveway as I pull over right in front of her. Tegan came down from my passenger seat, and greeted Sara. They loaded her bag on the car and bid her bodyguards as they ride their escort vehicles in front and behind us.

"come here hun" Sara said as she ride my car and take a seat in front with me, reaching ehr arms out to me for an embrace. I immediately pulled her in on me and gave her a really tight embrace.

"I fuckin missed you, ugh you have no idea" she said. She then raised her head and gave kiss on the cheeks before she pulled away and settled in her seat.

"well you have no idea how I've lost my head these past few days" I said as Sara buckle her seat belt. "..and you have no idea how I had to baby sit her while you were away" I added pointing to Tegan.

"..well I had to keep her busy, she was literally "lost in her head" without you, don't ever leave her alone again." Tegan said.

"I'm sorry, do I sound a little too needy?" I asked Sara. "i'm clingy.. so.. am I creeping you out yet?"

Sara chuckled and shook her head "you can never be as clingy as I am, I'm telling you." Sara said as she reach her arms out and squeezed my right thigh while we shared a smile before we drove away.

Back in the apartment, Sara and I cleaned up and had a glass of wine at the balcony before hitting the sack.

I, as usual took photos while she was too busy looking gorgeous, as we sit around.

"will you stop that and come over here for a sec? I missed you so bad and all you could think about is to take my photos." Sara said reaching her hands up to me.

She was obviously joking, but her face was too serious-- I almost fell for it. I chuckled as I let my camera down beside Sara on the couch.

I then threw myself over at the couch onto her arms "Of course I missed you, come on. But my camera missed you too."

Sara smiled and held my chin "You have no idea how happy I am to be home. I mean, not Home-home.. but.. It feels like home when I'm with you." she said.

I just smiled back at her; Sometimes I just don't know how to respond to her when she starts talking about me like that-- it's too flattering and I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around it, it's too surreal that Sara feels this way towards me.

She grinned at me as she slowly put her hands away from my chin.

"what..?" I asked her; feeling a little flustered.

Sara shook her head; "so what have you been up to while I was away?" okay, this should be a good time to tell her about Lindsey and Tegan.

"well.. aside from caving in to my depression due to physical separation from you, I was keeping busy. Rolled a few clips, took A LOT of photos, and helped Tegan pack some of her stuff." I said.

Sara frowned "pack her stuff? why?"

"well, did she not mention she's leaving the apartment?" I asked

"she did.. I just didn't realize it would be this early." she said as she sit up.

"she mentioned that their contract will end tomorrow, so she's not planning to extend further." I sat up too.

"so she's moving out, tomorrow?!" she asked as she uncap the wine.

I nodded "and uhh.. I have something to tell you too."

Sara looked over to me. "what is it hun?"

I swallowed "uhh.. earlier today when we finished 'packing', Tegan and I were.. on a little squabble.. when Lindsey gave a 'surprise' visit."

"wow, okay.." Sara almost laughed. "and then...?" she asked as she pour wine on her glass.

I was forcing myself not to laugh on this; "she caught is in a rather.. compromising, position." Sara's smiled faded.

"what do you mean?" she said as she raise her glass to smell the wine.

"well I was talking photos of her.." I said as I reach for my camera. I scrolled down to Tegan's photos from this morning and showed them to Sara. Sara put her glass on the coffee table as she take my camera and look at the photos.

"OH MY GOD." She said, forcing herself not to laugh as she scroll over the photos. "jesus christ"

I shook my head; We've seen Tegan pose the most ridiculous poses anyone can think of, but it just looks awfully hilarious seeing Tegan lie on the floor, her arms up, her lips slightly open and her eyes squinting-- on 12 different frames. Not to mention her tongue going on different directions on a few of them-- it was just.. I don't really kno how to put it.

Sara shook her head as she hand them over to me. "okay, so you get the idea.. I was laughing so hard, I had to sit down cause my knees were getting weak in amusement, it bugged her out, so she tried to grab my camera from me, and wanted to delete the photos-- and we ended up falling on the floor together-- and that's when Lindsey came barging in. and she got mad. you get the picture."

Sara nodded. "I see.. and then what did Lindsey say?"

My smiled faded as I recall so clearly in my head what she said; I took a sip of my wine, swallowed and said; "fuck you, both of you"

Sara cringed "wow. she's really pissed."

"she is.. you should have seen her face, I was so scared. I ran after her and sorta explained what was going on, but Tegan just told me to let it go, obviously Lindsey won't listen, so she slapped me and Tegan"

Sara's mouth dropped as she make a face. "Oh my God, she seriously did that?!" she said in surprise, she then covered her lips.

I nodded as I drink up. "I feel so guilty, and I feel so bad for LIndsey. I just.. I don't know."

Sara grabbed my hand; "don't be sorry, Tegan fucked everything up.. so I don't think it's your fault-- you were just.. at the wrong place at the wrong time."

"yeah I guess so.. and uh.. one more thing." I said. Sara looked up at me and stared at me attentively. "Tegan and I talked.. about.. about us.. before we drove down to LAX to fetch you."

Sara smiled; "should I be worried about it?" she asked calmly

I shook my head "of course not" I said as I caress her cheek.

"good" she said bluntly. I'm sensing a little bit of tension on Sara, but she's calm and subtle on her reactions so as to not make me feel nervous or whatever. Sara then closed in on me and softly pressed her lips on mine.

Sara pulled away for a second to put her glass on the table; she also took mine and placed it on top. Pulled me closer towards her as I lift my feet and press herself in between my legs. Sara wrapped her arms around me as I rest myself on her shoulder

"whatever it is that we have, it may not be as special as what you've shared with my sister; but I just want you to know that I'm happy. And I want this to work, I really do." I clenched the back of her shirt in an attempt to stop myself from smothering her with kisses with what she just said.

"I can't promise that it will be easy.. or that I will not hurt you unintentionally, but I'll make sure I can make you as happy, the way I know how. If you feel uncomfortqable about something or If there's something that's bothering you, just tell me, and don't be shy. I want to us to be open to each other and I'm glad you're sort of getting there." we shared a short chuckle before Sara tightened her grip on me. "I'm scared, Jo. I'm scared to be hurt again, so if there's anything I need to know, say it while I still haven't fully given in."

Those last words gave me the impression that there's something she knows about me, and that she's just waiting for me to say myself. I ran over my thoughts for a few seconds and tried my hardest to recall anything that might be important for me to say to her, but I just couldn't think of anything else aside from David. Though he's not really part of 'this' relationship, she does need to know about that part of my past. She's aware of what happened, they all are, but only my family and Tegan knows about David, My Mom figured that being charged for negligence resulting to physical injuries is very inexcusable, and the public needed to be made aware, but decided against it when she found out it was apparently one of her shareholders' son who sold me the drugs and almost killed me, she moved heaven and hell to make sure it doesn't get out, just to protect their names and our families.

This whole Stacy-David dilemma has caught me in a bind since day one; but I don't really want to bypass anyone on the process so I'm keeping my mouth shut on that issue. He's probably not the biggest part of my life, but I almost lost it to him-- and to know that Stacy is hanging out with him, Sara might get in trouble.

"well.." I lifted my head and sat up "is there something you wanna ask me about? I mean.. I'm practically an open book to you guys, if I may have missed something, it was probably not that important" I had to say it, I really just want to keep it on the safe side and not say too much. I felt as if my response was a little too blunt, after all she said at that point, but Sara just smiled at me; looking as if she's releasing the tension somehow.

Sara's POV

I was caught in a battle of wanting to know who this David is, or if I just wanted her to dodge the topic; I don't know. I'm falling in love with this person, whom I've been friends with for years now, and I just want to know her even more. There's a part of her I never saw-- that part of her that she blocked me out of-- that part of her wanted to wast her life because of getting hurt by my very own sister. I want to know her secrets, I want to share her hobbies, I want to be able to know her too well like I would my own self. I want her to be a part of me, and I want her to feel the same way towards me; but I need her to be honest. All this time she's kept a lot of things, and still to this day she hasn't failed to surprise me. it's as if every day I spend with her, there's something new I find out about her; am doing this right? that I wanted her to open up to me altogether in one seating?

"you're right, you are an open book, but...sometimes I see you staring out nowhere, and you look lost in your thoughts.. like you're thinking too much about something. I just want to somehow, help you lift some of the weight.. that you're not alone and I can share your thoughts and problems." I said, trying my hardest not to say too much; I don't really want to scare her off.

Jo smiled at me and rubbed my back as she slip into my arms again

 _Oh God_ I can't believe that, even after all these weeks of being with her, her embrace still makes me feel nervous.

"Thank you Sara." she said in that sweetest tone. "I don't really want to drag you into any of my problems, but I guess time will come that we'll have to share them anyway."

I smiled at the back of her neck; just the thought of being with her for the rest of my life is more than enough to keep me away from all my troubles. I hate to ruin the moment, but I've been dreading to ask her about one thing.

"I hope you don't mind me asking, and I know this will be the second time I'll be asking this-- but if you don't want to say anything yet, I would understand, but.. just who is this David?"

There it is. I just frowned, and I couldn't look at her straight in the eye, trying to hide my enthusiasm about this guy.

" I don't really want to drag you into any of my problems, but I don't know who else I can talk to about him.." she sighed, and was obviously trying to figure out the right words to say it. Her tears started to build up "He's an old friend, I met him in highschool and he's also from New York."

Well that explains it, in a small neighborhood like hers and Stacy's there's no way they cannot have any common friends. "We get together a lot, especially when Tegan and I stopped talking. He's a really good friend of mine, and we spend so much activities together." _activities?_ "alcohol.. women.."she chuckled "..and drugs." I felt a string of fear in the back of my neck; I'm just in no way going to believe that Stacy might have been involved in that too, but I couldn't care less. Jo's smile faded away; "He was the guy who shot me"

"Oh God." I said in shock; I have no idea it was that bad; my first impression wasn't entirely good in the first place, but I didn't think of it in that level.

"it was an accident though." she said as she wipe her tears. "I'm alive, so.. I can't really complain, but he still scares me."

I felt Jo's hands tremble so I held them to calm her down. "I'm sorry if I'm doing this. If you don't want to talk about it anymore, it's fine." I said in fear of causing her more of her nightmares.

Jo shook her head; "It's okay Sar.. I.. I wanted to talk about him anyways, cause I can't just avoid him. I mean, he's fucking everywhere." what exactly does she mean? "I had no idea Stacy knows him, and that night when Stacy mentioned his name.. I just.. I felt as if he was standing right there in front of me again." she said as her tears roll down her face.

I pulled her in my arms and embraced her; "that's enough.. I'm sorry." I said as I rub her back. She was sobbing quietly against my chest and I just feel bad to make her look back into her past like that-- when it's something she'd rather just forget.


	20. Body Work

Though I was extremely tired from travelling and just mentally stressed out, I stayed up with Jo and just spent time with her at the balcony, talking, taking pictures and drinking wine; I'd love to talk more about David, but I don't think she's in the right zone-- I don't want her to feel the tension again. I used to really hate it when people talk too much about themselves, but the way Jo speaks about her life, amuses me to the point that I'd stay up all night just to listen to her stories. She loves talking about her past-- it's quite inspiring to hear how she struggled and got back up on her feet-- but she never comes off conceited. I could go on forever about how much I admire her-- and I'm concerned that this might keep her away if I become so into her. It's amazing how I can even contain myself whenever I touch her; it's like the slightest touch can send me burning down to my core.

"aren't you tired yet?" she asked me as she play with curls at the tips of my hair. 

The night is getting late and the mist is starting to get cold so I looked on my watch to check the time; "yeah, it's almost 10, we better get to bed." I said.

"alright then.." Jo stood up and hung her camera around her neck, then took our glasses with her inside. I followed her in with the wine glass and closed back the balcony door behind us.

"so who's gonna use the shower first?" Jo asked as she turn the faucet on to clean the glasses.

I just stood there-- quite amazed by the idea of Jo in the shower. I swallowed and said "do we have to take turns?" 

_okay that didn't come out right._

"uhm.. I mean, there's a hot tub anyway.. so.."

Jo just smiled at me as I try to redeem myself. 

"Yeah I'd probably just take dip." she said as she clean out the glasses. 

I gave out a sigh of relief and smiled back at her. "alright, I'll go right ahead" I then left the wine bottle at the table and walked over to our bedroom. 

I immediately got in the bathroom and stripped; I opened the faucet to fill it in for Jo, then I opened the shower and let the steam cover the room to let out the cold; I got under the shower and savored the warm water on my skin; It's just been a long tiring day and this is all I've wanted to do since I landed; but I'd trade anything just to stay up late with Jo.

As I was done washing the shampoo off my hair, I traced the soap dish from the switch and noticed that there weren't any soap, so after removing the excess lather off my hair and body, I turned the shower off to go out and get some. Just as I was about to pull in my towel, the bathroom door opened. 

"Jo?" I asked from inside the shower. 

"yeah it's me." Jo responded. I could hear her footsteps getting nearer and nearer, and I almost flinched to the thought of her barging in the shower with me-- I shook my head and the thought away-- I feel like a complete maniac whenever I think of her like that; it's as if I couldn't help myself and that if I ever touch her at this very second, I might not be able to stop myself from doing the things I've been wanting to do to her.

"sorry If I'm barging in, I just wanted to prepare the tub" she said. 

I sighed quietly trying to hide how nervous I was feeling standing a few feet away from her-- naked. "that's okay, I opened the faucet for you so it'll fill up when I'm done.. and uh.. can you get me a bar of soap please? if you don't mind" I asked.

Jo chuckled from the other side of the curtain as I hear her ripping a box off. "yeah I kinda figured I used it up this afternoon. here you go" her hand then slowly slipped through the curtains as she hand out the soap to me. 

"thank you" I said as I take the soap. I turned the knob back on as I lather up the soap while JO turned the faucet from the tub off.

"hey Sara.. is it ok if I get in the tub now while you're still in there?" Jo asked. 

It took me a while to process the thought in my mind, Jo being naked in the same room as I am.. I cleared my throat and said "sure.. that's fine" I answered as calm as I can. I just hope she didn't notice my trembling voice. 

"God I missed this. I'm so lucky Sam's got a tub in this apartment" she said. 

I smiled as I cover my body with lather. "yeah, pretty good deal if you ask me" I said.

I heard her unzip her pants and that second I had goosebumps all over me. I put back the soap slowly on the dish and washed the soap off my body as I close my eyes. 

_stop thinking about her body, stop thinking about making love in this very bathroom. stop.. stop.._

I could have sworn I panicked as I hear her unclasp her bra-- and my hands almost made its way down my literally dripping wet flesh, _if only Jo weren't in the same room_. I immediately rinsed off so I can leave right away-- I don't think I can do this anymore. If I don't leave here now, I might regret the next scenes after tonight-- maybe I could just get by when I'm alone in the bedroom, or at the living room while she take a bath-- instead of actually coming over to her and pin her down the wall and make love to her. 

But what the hell, I'm making my move tonight. 

\---------------------------------------------------------

Jo's POV

I could tell Sara was feeling a little too uncomfortable from what just happened-- I kept on quietly hitting my head with my hand as I feel embarrassed of myself for doing what I just did. I took a deep breath and slowly got in the tub.

"the water's perfect Sara.. you should always prepare my tub for me" I said as I close my eyes.

Sara chuckled as she close off the shower. "are you done? you can come out after you wrap up, while my eyes are closed-- you have 3 minutes" I said smiling, as I lower myself further into the tub.

the curtains slid open, so I'm guessing Sara is leaving the bathroom-- but she wasn't talking. About a minute into the curtains opening; I felt as if the water on my tub move-- I quickly opened my eyes--and surprised to see Sara-- naked and making her way down to the tub with me. I shuddered as I feast on the sight of her bare, flawless, and curvy body, I couldn't believe what I am seeing now-- most especially I can't believe Sara is doing this. I looked up to Sara as she stared at me while she lower herself down to the water.

"I hope you don't mind me joining you" Sara said. The bizarre look on her face told me that she was just as surprised as I was-- it's as if she wants to just cover herself up and run out of the bathroom. She's just really adorable-- and hot at the same time-- I don't know anyone else who can be both at the same time. 

I smiled at her and said "not at all" trying my hardest to keep myself calm in her presence. This might be a grave invasion of my personal space-- but I'd give up my space for a little more of Sara in my territory. 

Sara smiled as she sit up and raise her legs up to have her knees cover her lump breasts-- I've been trying to avoid looking at it-- they're so full, I want to just dump my face in between them. My whole body at this point, is literally soaking wet-- inside and out-- I was breathing in too much, in nervousness that my lips ended up dry-- I pursed them as I see Sara smile at me awkwardly from the other side of the tub.

"do you, uhh.. need help with your back?" she asked as she see me squeeze into my loofah. 

I jerked and handed them out to her without a word. I slowly turned my back on her and gathered my hair off my back so she can help me with it. 

My head is spinning from all the pictures of me and Sara in this tub inside my mind. I closed my eyes as Sara softy grace her hands all over my back and just let my mind fly away for a bit-- i"m here to de-stress, not to add tension to my body-- but that's just too hard when you're in the same tub as Sara. 

Right after, I slowly turned back to Sara after she pulled her hands away. I occupied myself by lighting up the candles beside the tub; I then smiled at her as I flick the lighter and lit up one of the candles. But before I could even light up the other candle, Sara grabs my hand. I looked up at her in Surprise as she slowly take the lighter away. She then places it on top of the tub side as she closed in on me-- our bare legs crossing eachother in ease from the slippery waters that filled the tub.

Sara began to touch my face as her eyes roam around my body. I felt as if her gaze was piercing through my body-- I may be literally naked at this moment but I feel even more stripped down as Sara observe every inch of me.

"Sara?" i called her out. She flinched-- "are you okay?" I said as Sara stare me in the eyes. 

She didn't answer-- and instead she knelt down through the waters and sealed the space between us. Her legs filled the space between mine as she lower her face down-- I closed my eyes while our lips finally touched, and at that moment I know that this is going to be a night I won't forget. 

I could feel Sara tremble as her hands firmly hold my face-- pushing it softly further onto hers. Our tongues explored our mouths and jived together as we share a warm, passionate kiss. We may have shared a few kisses, but this is the one time I finally felt Sara release her tensions and just give in to it. 

I removed my hands from its grip on the sides of the tub and landed them on Sara's waist. I pushed her further on me as our kiss go deeper-- this made Sara shudder and let out a deep sigh as I feel her flesh press down on my thighs. Sara removed her lips from me and leaned her forehead on mine as she grab one of my hands and lead it up to her chest. I shuddered as I feel her hard nipple and supple breast--but what I heard was even more surprising than what is actually happening on this tub. 

"I want to make love to you." Sara said.

I opened my eyes and pulled my face a few inches away from Sara. 

Sara smiled at me; "i've never wanted anything more than this moment with you." she said with so much eagerness

I was speechless, I couldn't believe what Sara just said, and I could not have wanted anything else either; I smiled back as I grab the back of her neck and pulled her towards me--pressing our lips on eachother. I could feel Sara's eagerness-- I've never seen her like this and I never imagined I'd see this part of her. Her kiss was becoming rougher as our hands made its way over our privates-- leaving us with our bodies wanting more. I knelt and met her height as I pushed my chest towards hers-- "let's take this to the bed" i said, mumbling through the kiss. 

\---------------

Sara pushed me on top of the bed as our wet bodies stain the carpet and the sheets. She slowly joined me in bed and lowered herself down on me as I thought, _this is finally happening_ \--- and I still can't believe it. We shared another passionate kiss before Sara started kissing me down to the neck; I moaned as she burrowed her lips and press her body against me. The feeling of her breasts brushing onto mine sent me on a high-- I can't help it anymore. I opened my legs and pushed her further on me, my thighs rubbing on her burning flesh as mine did on hers. Sara paused and looked up to me as she slowly trace her hands over to my breasts. 

"I might lose track of my touch, so if you feel.. uneasy, just tell me" she said as she carefully pushed herself up and stare me in the eye while her other hand was busy fondling my hard nipple. 

I chuckled and bit my lip as I grabbed hers too-- Sara let out a moan as I softly trace her nipple with my fingers. "you can never be too rough, Sara."

I was feeling a little bit of hesitation, as this is still somehow a bit awkward for me. I may have thought of making love to Sara, and what would it feel to actually do these things to her-- but feeling the real thing is far more amazing than I imagined it. It felt unreal-- and just too good to be true. Sara's body is smoking hot, and her skin feels softer than any girl I've been with-- even Tegan. She seems too perfect and I feel scared that I might hurt her if I couldn't help myself from being rough because I was too hungry for her. But Sara is not holding back-- she's giving herself to me as if telling me to do all things I could possibly think of.

Sara moaned as she pause and feel my hands do work on her breasts-- but i feel like Im lacking a bit of energy here, so I lowered myself down under her and started kissing her chest. I slowly made my way over to one of her nipple and brush my tongue over it-- softly licking, but pushing my mouth onto it firmly but slowly; Sara, from above, tremble and bit her lip as she watch me proceed to her other breast.

"Oh God.. Jo.." She moaned

"Yes Love?" I said as I land my head back on the mattress.

Sara smiled at me and did not answer back... She just went ahead and gave back the favor -- she licked my nipples as she stare up at my face-- not removing her sight on me as she watch me lose my head from the works of her tongue-- I could only imagine how that muscle would feel like inside me. 

I forced myself to look down at Sara to see what she's doing and how she's doing it; but she's making it hard for me not to hold my head up.

This moment right here is just priceless; Every kiss, grope, every touch of her tongue and every bite is filled with passion and an apparent desire to do more to my body. I couldn't help but throw my head back and just close my eyes to feel every bit of the sensation. 

"That feels good hun?" Sara asked me 

I tried opening my eyes-- "yes love.. Please don't stop?" I said almost begging as I hold her head and push her back on me, Sara kissed me down further towards my waist, then below my navel. 

She grabbed my legs and pulled them away from eachother-- exposing my burning flesh to Sara. She placed herself down-- pushing herself over between my legs. I breathed in as I feel her kiss my thigh, then deep in between until she finally got herself a mouthful of my juice. 

"Holy fuck.. Sara." i just lost my grace, when I felt her tongue inside me; I looked down and met her piercing eyes looking up at me as if telling me that she _hasn't even started yet_. 

And yes, Sara was just starting to warm up; she slipped a finger inside me as her mouth made its way up my clit, and when I was wet enough and as my hole grew wider, she joined 2 fingers inside. I trembled as I take her in and push myself further, allowing her to devour every inch of me. 

I'm lost-- for the first time I felt that my bond with Sara is getting stronger-- and that this isn't just some mind blowing sex, but me accepting Sara into my life and allowing our relationship to take a step further; I may feel spaced out in my own head, but I am definitely sane enough to let her do this. 

Sara's movement became rougher as I feel myself get warmer in the core. I'm almost there, and I'm starting to feel my head get numb for a few seconds; until that moment when Sara sped up-- she allowed herself to push her fingers in and out of me fast enough to send my head spinning. I felt her become a little more aggressive as she push herself up and kneel down, she leaned her other arm on top of the bed as she fastened her rhythm; but not wanting to leave her out, I quickly leaned over her

"Turn around" I said, grabbing her by the waist. 

Sara then without hesitation and not taking a hand off me, turned her back on me. I jerked to the twisting feeling as she turn around and lower herself down. I closed my face in between her legs as she lean her knees on the bed around my waist. Sara's tempo didn't cease, and as I savor her in, I then treated myself with Sara's flowing juice. She was so wet and so warm, that I could drown from her, and I did almost gag as I swallow every bit of it--- and Sara definitely loves what she's feeling in between her legs. 

"Oh Fuck!" She exclaimed-- unguarded. "Don't stop, love, please" I didn't stop-- and instead slowly slipped 2 fingers in as I flow with her. 

"Oh My God" Sara said as we dance to the sounds our bodies are making. 

In a second, we both knew that the tingle is starting to creep up our bodies. 

"Sara!" I screamed her name as I reached climax-- Sara didn't stop despite me flinching from the unthinkable sensation caused by her body work. 

Sara's moan became louder as I continue to quicken myself on her, and her screaming voice as she reach her own climax is just music to my ears. She trembled, and her knees started to jerk as we share this peak. We slowed down as our orgasms fade--We breathed heavily in unison as Sara slowly crawl up beside me-- she pulled me in her arms for an embrace and shared one last kiss, before we rested on the bed, wrapped in eachother's arms.

"That was amazing" Sara said as she trace the freckles on my shoulder. I chuckled and looked up at her. 

"And so are you.. " I said as I close my eyes and rest my head on Sara's arms. 

We didn't mind the sweat, and the water that drenched our sheets that night-- we didn't care how cold it was, as we lay in bed with nothing but our skins sharing its warmth. I will never in many years, forget how wonderful it felt to finally share this with Sara.


	21. Plunk

morning after:

All this time I thought I was dreaming that Sara got up early to a phone call; I dragged myself over to the other side of the bed and didn't feel her presence-- so I opened my heavy lids up to see a vacant space in the bed.

It took me a minute to realize that she was across the room, over at the window staring down to the streets and talking to someone on her phone. I slowly got up the bed and walked over to her.

"yeah but it's too early, JO is still sleeping and we sort of stayed up late last night, so can we pass?" she said. I wonder who she's talking to. Tegan maybe?

I slowly slipped my hands onto her waist and leaned over close to her. Sara flinched; she then turned towards me and smiled.

"Oh actually she just got up, let me ask her okay?" Sara removed the phone down as she put an arm around me while we both turn towards the window.

"Tegan's bugging me, she wants us to help move her stuff in the new apartment. you wanna come? Sam will be there." she asked. She then leaned over and kissed me in the forehead as I wrap my arms around her waist.

I nodded. "sure, that's fine.. i mean.. do you wanna go?" I said.

Sara rolled her eyes and gave a short chuckle. "well it's you and tegan against me.. so.. fine."

I chuckled as she put the phone back on her ears. "we'll be there... okay... right.. okay, bye" Sara then put her phone on the pocket of her cardigan and embraced me in both arms.

"good morning." she greeted. She then kissed me in the neck as she rest her head on my shoulder, "oh God I don't know how you do it."

"do what?" I asked.

"just.. I just couldn't say no to you." she said.

Sara sighed-- I felt a little bad about it though-- am I stopping her from doing things she wants? Am I asking too much by wanting her to do things she usually don't enjoy?

"I'm sorry. you can always disagree, you know." I said

Sara lifted her head and faced me. "But I don't want to." she smiled. "you make me want to do things I'm usually not fond of-- the beach and surfing for one-- and today I just wanna lie down in bed, and cuddle with you for the rest of the day.. But you wanna help Tegan out too-- so I figured I'd rather help out, than not spend time with you at all." she said.

I chuckled in slight disbelief-- not that I think she's just flattering me, I just like how those words made me feel- and I didn't know how to react.

"well I'd rather spend time with you than do anything else as well. We can stay in if you like.." I said.

Sara shook her head and smiled. "that's fine.. I really think Tegan desperately needs our help. and I think it's best if we keep her company during this...break up."

I tried to keep a straight face upon hearing what Sara said, it's a good thing she had to follow up "Jasper's coming in 30 minutes, so, we better get ready. he'll drive us down." she said.

\------------------------------------------------

We went down after we dressed up, and Jasper was on the dot so still got the chance to get coffee and breakfast on the go. Tegan's apartment was just a few buildings away from ours so we got there earlier than she expected.

"Good morning boys.. and girls" Sara greeted Ted, Adam, Sam and Tegan. We got the food and coffees in as well. Tegan immediately approached me and gave me a cheek as I hand her over the 2 trays I was holding.

"let me get that" she said. as she carry them off my grip.

"thank God" I said as I shake my hands from the pain of having to balance 6 cups and make sure they don't spill.

Sara chuckled and approached me as Tegan walked towards the kitchen. Her apartment is really spacious-- quite just as big as Sara and I's; Sam's signature design filled the room-- wooden floors, dark interiors, light and neon colored furniture, and lots of windows-- very uplifting, and just perfect for Tegan's current state of mind; at least her new apartment screams fun; and the girls are gonna dig it for sure.

"I don't buy it." Sara whispered as she cross her arms while we watch the guys lay out the food on the dining table.

"buy what?" I asked in confusion.

"you seriously think I believe that you strained your hands from holding those cups?" Sara said, flashing me a naughty grin.

"well if you weren't too eager feasting on them last night I would not have hurt my wrist." I said.

Sara's eyes narrowed from my backlash. 

"well why don't you tone the performance down a notch so you don't have to work on me that much." Sara said as she lean over close to my ears. Sara slowly stood straight as she place her hands on her back pocket.

I faced her and smiled; "are you sure you want me to do that?" I asked her, imposing a little bit of fear on her.

Sara bit her lip-- obviously thinking it through. "nah.. I don't" Sara and I shared a good laugh out of that, I was getting a little bit hot on the core again recalling the scenes from last night-- but I had to keep my hands on my pocket as well and stay away from Sara cause I might just not resist her again.

We joined them on the dining room as I greet Sam and give her a hug;

"so how's Veronica doing?" Sam asked as we all sit down.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head "Well, she's doing great, apart from the instagram mishap on her first day, she's doing a good job, so.. she's efficient."

Sam smiled; "yeah she is, sorry about what happened though.. I mean.. she apologized to me about a hundred times and I just couldn't help but laugh it off. she's not too good in handling pressure with.. "celebrities" so.."

"that's okay.. we get that ALL the time" Tegan said as she dip her tea.

I sent a smile to Tegan from across the table as Sam bow down in embarrassment; I was about to tell to myself that I'm glad the tension is off our shoulders now, when someone suddenly comes out of the kitchen and walk down to the dining table.

"Here's the iced Lemon tea you all requested, you hung over sons of a bitch; God my hands are SORE from squeezing all those lemons I could ha----" Jeremy's sight landed on me. "Oh my God. I can't believe you asked me to come over here for this." he said to Tegan; Jeremy then walked away.

Tegan looked at me in apology; "Jer! come on.." she said as she stand up and follow him; but Jeremy raised a hand to ask Tegan not to follow him-- he always does that. Jeremy took his coat and bag from the living room and left the apartment. Tegan did not stop from following him though-- she also left the apartment to run after him.

"do you know about this?" I asked Sara. Sara looked at me as she wet her lips-- it was too apparent that she's very nervous; she then nodded.

I sighed and looked over to my cup of coffee and take it; "you should have known better Sara." I said before I take a sip.

"I'm really sorry.. I wanted to tell you but Tegan told me not to." Sara said as she slip her hands on top of my right thigh.

I smiled as I swallow my coffee; I then returned my cup on the table and placed my hand on top of hers over my thigh.

"that's fine.." I sighed. "I'm okay about it, it's just that.. obviously he isn't"

Silence filled the apartment as if no one was there. No one was really talking, til Ted coughed.

"so.. when were you guys planning to tell us about you two?" Ted asked.

Sara and I looked at eachother as we both shudder from Ted's question.

"hey, that was just a question. We all noticed it anyway.. so we're just.. trying to confirm it." he asked in defense

"Ted.. please." Sara said. I didn't know what to say to Ted anyway, and I guess Sara doesn't have an answer too, but I don't know if she was just avoiding the question, or maybe she was just really being protective.

Ted pursed his lips "sorry" he said before he ate his food.

we all just continued eating breakfast without Tegan, Sara called her-- she finally caught up with Jeremy and is now talking him into coming back up.

Apparently Tegan didn't tell him that I'll be coming in today to help-- Jeremy and I had a gap since day one, cause he never approved of me and Tegan ever since we started fucking around. Jeremy and I are civil, despite it all, but he had it when Tegan and I recently got together-- to think that he's really close to Lindsey, he just couldn't get himself to like me-- and now he's got more reason to hate me. I know Tegan and I aren't doing "it" anymore, and we're just practically good friends now, but Jeremy just wouldn't take shit from me. Last time I saw him was on Sonia's birthday, a few years ago and we were almost " _okay_ then, unfortunately all this drama from Lindsey and Tegan's break up is probably heating up his anger.

I don't quite get why he's here though, I guess Tegan might be trying to keep his friends together so she won't come out to be the "bad one" on the breakup--- I don't know.

\------------------------------------------------

Sara and I were at the living room with the rest of the boys and Sam, til Tegan finally came back. Sara stood as she enter the apartment; "well? what happened?" she asked.

Tegan looked behind her and Jeremy came in with her-- looking a bit more calm now.

"hey.." Jeremy greeted Sara. Sara smiled and went over to Jeremy to give him a hug.

"nice to see you again." Sara said behind him. He was just looking down and forcing a smile as I try hard not to catch his glimpse. "nice to see you too."

They pulled away from each other, and even before I can move a muscle, Jeremy approached me and said; "we need to talk" as he cross his arms.

\------------------------------------------------

I really still don't get it; Jeremy is a great friend of Lindsey and Tegan, and I'm pretty sure things will turn out differently if Tegan and Lindsey never got together. Jeremy and I stayed in Tegan's bedroom for the "talk" and before I can even ask anything, Jeremy already hovered;

"Do you even know why I'm mad at you?" he asked. 

"damn it, of course I know, but Jeremy, seriously? it's been years!" I said

"well no matter what time and date you show up, everything just falls apart." Jeremy said.

I pursed my lips and just sighed.

"do you even know how much pain you've caused to Tegan?" he asked.

I frowned and gave him a stare-- "wow, do YOU know what she did to ME? she's even lucky we're still 'friends' now.. I have to tell you that."

Jeremy just shook his head and walked a few inches near me. Jeremy's face showed an apparent sadness-- and I'm just confused.

"Jo.. Tegan loved you for as long as we all could remember, and she would jump out any waggon just to be with you, but you just don't know how to back off. " he pulled back and started walking around the room. "and you're dating her sister?" he said, his face red in anger, and his forehead sweating bullets. "God , I am so mad at you, you have no idea."

I shook my head and scoffed; "why are we even talking about this? Tegan and I are fine now, we've talked about it, we've moved on." I said.

Jeremy stopped walking around and faced me. "you seriously buy that shit from Tegan? it'll take her years to move on from you sweetheart, trust me. Once you and Sara break up, she's gonna catch you like a fallen fruit from the tree of life."

I swallowed; a part of me believes Jeremy but another side of this story just doesn't fit his testimony.

"look, Jer.. I really wanted to tell you my side of the story, but you're on her team, (let alone her ex boyfriend and a dad to her future kids-- I thought) you will never believe me. You will never understand me. You will never know how much pain I went through just for her. I cared for her all these years; but all she did was hurt me over and over-- so please, believe me when I say I'm done with it."

"To be honest I don't even know why we're having this conversation, when it's practically too late." Jeremy said calmly.

"What are u suggesting?" I asked him

Jeremy sighed and shook his head. "Tegan has given up the convenience of being with someone who is perfect to be her life partner, just to be with you. I'm not saying you should leave them both alone, even carrying on like you guys were never even friends, cause that's just selfish. I'm still mad at you for ruining her and Lindsey-- but I cant blame you.." He sighed. "I'm here to patch things up. I don't want the drama anymore, since we're all going through this like mature adults should" Jeremy then gave me one last awkward smile, then walked away and left the room-- leaving me here almost in tears and just questioning myself if I did the right thing. 

I don't regret being with Sara because what I'm feeling for her is real, and I'm happy with her. I figured long ago that being with Tegan is never going to be easy and that everything started out on the wrong foot-- so I guess I can never be with her without people judging us. 

This talk with Jeremy is pretty much useless; it made me feel bad about what Tegan is going through. I couldn't help but think of what would have been if I pursued Tegan this time-- but I'm not regretting my decision. I might feel a little bit of uncertainty, but I'm definitely not regretting being with Sara--- I'm starting to fall for Sara--- and I could never be more sure of her. I don't know if Sara knew that this is what Jeremy was mad about, but I'm guessing she knew how awful it must feel for him to see Tegan like this. I cant blame him really. 

\------------------------------------------------

After the small talk, we all just helped out Tegan with her stuff and completed some of the little tweeks needed to be done in the apartment. Tegan being a little too concerned with how this apartment is going to look like, gave me the impression that she'll be staying here longer than we all expect. Hopefully he doesn't have to though, I mean staying close to Lindsay is probably gonna give them both a hard time. 

We finished early so we decided to all go out tonight; Jasper drove us back to our apartment so we can freshen up and rest for a bit while the others stayed in Tegan's apartment. 

\------------------------------------------------

"Where are we heading again?" Sara asked as I drive behind Jaspers truck on a convoy.

"Burgundy room" I said smiling

"Oh gosh, I havent been for like forever, i love that place" she said

"Yeah it's one of my favorite dive bars.." I said as we get around the corner and slow down in frot of Burgundy Room.

Jasper and I parked, then got inside with everyone else. Upon entering, regulars immediately recognized me and the girls-- some of them were even surprised to find out that I know them too-- after bumping into a couple of familiar faces, we aettles in a seat just a few feet from the bar. Just as we were about to order our deinks, a girl came up to our table who I believe is Clea Duvall-- a very close friend of the girls qho also worked with them on their previous productions for heartthrob. 

"Hi clea! Great to see you here!" Sara greeted as she and Tegan stand up to greet her. "Come join us, are with friends?" Tegan said.

"oh yeah, I'm with a few friends, it's great you guys are here!" She said. Tegan and Sara gave her a hug and introduced us.

"Clea I'd like you to meet Jo" Tegan said. I stood and gave her a hand. Clea flashed me a smile and grabbed my hand as she bit her lip.

"hi" she greeted.

"Nice to meet you." I said.

"she's emy replacement" Sara said.

"in more ways than one." Tegan added. Sara and I just had a good laugh about that; but clea didn't quite get it, so we're keeping it shut.

"why do you remind me of Mia Kirshner?" Clea asked as she stare at me in the face.

I know I've been mistaken as her sister or cousin a few times, I mean I wish I was but I'm not-- I just look a lot like her.

"I get that all the time, but we're not related.. so.. " I chuckled.

"yeah you do look a lot like her!" she said. "I'd love to join you guys, but I'm with company, but if you want we can all sit down in one table?"

"sure if you don't mind! that would be great" Sara said

"yeah, the manier the better." Tegan said with a glow on her face-- oh we all know what this means.

\------------------------------------------------

And not even 30 minutes into sitting down with clea and her friends, Tegan's already singled out in the corner of the table, talking to one of Clea's friends. Jeremy was a little bit guarded as well, making sure that Tegan doesn't leave with the girl. The boys kinda have a world of their onw though, talking about boy stuff and shit I don't get sometimes, while Sara, Clea and I just spent time talking about art and books, and films, it's getting a little to monotonous in our little circle here, and Sara kinda noticed I was out of zone and buzzed out from the hard liquor;

"you ok?" she asked pausing in the middle of the conversation. Sara held me close and swept my hairfrom my face as I sweat bullets-- I was already feeling lil nauseous and didn't notice til this time that I had 6 shots already.

I nodded and chuckled-- "yeah I'm fine. I just....wow" I said looking at the empty jiggers on the table. Across, I saw Tegan taking a glance at me as she frown and lookin all worried, Tegan then stood and left the table. 

I looked back at Sara and smiled at her "Did we give you too much to drink? I'm sorry.." Sara said 

"I'm fine hun.. It's okay.. I was getting a little too carried away in the conversation." More like getting too bored and I had to keep myself busy by drinking.

We then saw Tegan walk towards us bringin with her a bottle of gatorade and a glass of ice cold water and placed it on our side of the table. "drink that" she said, before she walked over to the other side of the table to sit with her little date. I accidentally swept a glance towards Jeremy and saw him smile at Tegan.

I rolled my eyes over to Sara, who I just noticed to be looking at Jeremy as well. Sara wasn't smiling, and I can feel her jaws flinch-- obviously a little irritated of what she's seeing. Sara just then shook her head, rolled her eyes over to me-- and just as I was about to say something to her, she kissed me in front of everyone. It was just a smack on the lips, but I was a little surprised that she was already this public in showing affection-- or more like telling Jeremy and Tegan off-- Sara seem a little drunk too, so I'm sensing a little bit of tension in our midst here.

"wow where did that came from?" I asked Sara. 

She just smiled and shook her head she closed in on me and kissed me on the cheeks before she looked me right in the eye. I just smiled back at her and squeezed her hands before she sat back up and turn to Clea. We almost forgot that she was just a few inches from us, so just as shocked as everyone else, Clea was staring back at us with her mouth slightly open.

"Oh my God, you have got a lot of explaining to do." she said with a grin on her face-- figuring out on her own that we are a 'thing', and that dazed look on her face is obviously telling me that she can't believe what she just saw.

Sara smiled and leaned closer to Clea; "well there's really not much to know apart from how amazing she is, besides what you see is what you get, so.. I guess you can say we're together." Sara said. She does sound a little too safe with the answer, but I caN'T blame her for being a bit mum about it. Clea just nodded, and was obviously trying to mumble words in an undertone towards Sara. Sara then just shook her head and said "THAT I don't really want to talk about."

The expression on Clea's face shows how much she understoond in the situation with that very little answer she got from Sara. She just smiled at her and took another sip of her just-filled glass of kamikaze.

\------------------------------------------------

We stayed in there for a few more hours; Me and Jasper are the only ones left 'alive' while they all played around in the table. Clea and Sara were done talking and are both quiet on their seats, while Tegan and the boys were dancing with Clea's friends.

"So, are you having fun yet? do you feel a hint or regret for being the DD for the night?" I asked Jasper.

He just stood there with me in the bar, his arms crossed and looking furiously towards the dancefloor. He looked at me, and shot me a sad look. "I know that feel bro." I said tapping his shoulder. He just looked back at them shook his head and sighed. "I'm gonna start taking cabs when we go out for a night." he said. I crossed my arms and looked at them too; "me too."

Sara and Clea stood from our reserved table and joined us in the bar.

"hey you guys still okay?" I asked.

Sara just walked over and hugged me and shook her head. "I feel like I'm gonna die. I wanna go home."

"you sure?" I asked as I rub her back.

Sara just nodded. "okay then, let me just go to the restroom and we'll leave" I said. Sara then looked up at me and kissed me again before she let me go.

"WOW!" someone exclaimed. We all looked up and saw Lindsey just a few feet away from us.

Just of all the places she can go to spend a night to drink her feelings away, why here?

"see I was just about to leave cause i thought this place was getting a little too boring, and now I see you AND Sara" Lindsey said sarcastically as she slowly walk towards us.

"Hey, let's go." A girl in a red hoodie and a ponytail walked over us and grabbed Lindsey. "I'm sorry-- she's drunk--wait a minute.. Jo?" Kristen said as she smile.

"hi K.." I waved awkwardly.

"Oh my God, you didn't say you were in town!?" she said as she leaned in and hugged me. Lindsey just shook her head and crossed her arms.

"yeah well Jo's got a knack for keeping a lot of secrets from her so called "friends".." Lindsey said.

Kristen and I pulled then away from eachother-- "Lindsey, let's not do this here.. please?"

"wait, what's going on?" Kristen asked.

I looked over Kristen, feeling a little too awkward to actually have to explain to her what was going on, but I figured she already know about the break up.

"yeah why don't you tell Kristen what happened, jo?" Lindsey said, aiming her fist at me, but was luckily blocked by Jasper; Tegan saw this and walked towards us as Clea held me back.

"you fucking slut! I hope you fucking burn in hell bitch!" she screamed at me as Kristen went over to calm her down. Sara approached Tegan and held her by the arms, cause I swear to God, Tegan was ready to smack Lindsey in the face.

"Hey! don't you ever call her that!" Tegan said almost screaming at her.

"Tegan stop it, she's obviously more drunk than we all are, just let it go." Sara said, sounding mad but calm.

Jasper just couldn't hold Lindsey anymore, she slipped under his arm and just pushed him and Kristen away; Lindsey then quickly walked over Tegan who was waiting for her to just approach, Lindsey pushed Sara away and reached her arms towards Tegan and hit her face with a hard slap. Lindsey wasn't to happy about it and just slapped her over and over as Tegan raise an arm to cover her face. Kristen ran over and held her by the waist from behind and pulled her away from Tegan.

"stop it Lindsey! please! let it go!" Kristen said. Lindsey slowed herself down and violently pulled her body away from Kristen. She fixed her shirt as Sara walk over Tegan to pull her away from approaching Lindsey.

"come on, let's all go home, and settle this like human beings." Sara said as she mediate Tegan and Lindsey.

"you girls make me sick-- can you imagine yourselves fucking the same girl?!" Lindsey said. She shook her head and turned around to leave.

"I am so sorry you guys.." Kristen said before she follow Lindsey out. Everyone else around us shooting us disgusted stares and confused faces-- especially the boys. Clea turned around to face me and said "are you ok? do you wanna leave?" she asked. I just nodded and walked over Sara and Tegan

"I'm so sorry jo." Tegan said as she turn to me

I just nodded as I tear up. Sara then leaned over to embrace me as I start to cry in embarrassment and feeling a little stressed from what just happened. 

Everything was just a plain mess and this night out just turned out to be one we will regret, and I'm not talking about the hang over.

What was supposed to be a night to release our stress, just actually added more to it. I drove home with Sara that night with Lindsey's last words repeating in my head and recalling how everyone looked at us; it's a good thing Clea and Kristen didn't mind, and just thought that Lindsey was drunk; but the boys were still a bit confused and shocked; We didn't really expected anyone else to know, so we never really talkd about what to do or say if word goes out. Sara and I have avoided that issue for days now and we just wanted to move on-- I can't believe this is how people close to us will know about it; this calls for the country's best damage control.


	22. Divided

Sara and I got home, and I wasn't even a few feet away from my bedroom door, Veronica called me.

"where are you?" she asked

"Sara and I just got home, why?" I said as I open my bedroom door while Sara heat up water for tea.

"someone just posted photos of you guys in the burgundy room, and according to the girl who posted it, you guys were in a fight. I sent you an imessage, it's a link to a message board, read through everything, you need to see what people are talking about-- everyone's going crazy about it. someone needs to ask to close the thread down and delete the photos before this goes out to tumblr, the page has only 12 visitors though, so you still have time" she said, sounding too worried.

I sighed and said "thanks for letting us know veronica, I owe you one." I just stood there and ended the call as my hands tremble from panic. I quickly ran over to Sara as I call Kim; I got to the kitchen, panting as Kim pick up.

"sorry to call you at this time of the night but we have a problem." I told kim on the other line as Sara stare at me looking all confused and worried.

\----------------------------------------------------------

After sleeping in the whole morning, Sara and I went out with Tegan and Jeremy for brunch and to shop for some groceries unavailable online for the house warming party we will be throwing in for Tegan this afternoon. After last night, I've been constantly checking message boards and tags on instagram and tumblrs to make sure nothing comes out. Luckily, for the past 12 hours since the posts have been taken down, nothing came up. Veronica's also busy monitoring blogs for us, so I'm feeling a little safe. It's really embarrassing, what happened-- I just hope this will not affect any of their careers-- especially Lindsey's reputation.

Back in Tegan's apartment, the girls went online for a video call meeting with the management, while Jeremy and I were in the kitchen.

"do you think I should come talk to Lindsey today?" Jeremy said. I was surprised that he's even asking for my opinion on this one.

"well.. if she won't hear me and Tegan out, you might as well try. I mean, it seems like she'll listen to you" I said as I unwrap some of the groceries.

"I don't think she will.. knowing Lindsey, she just listens to whatever her head tells her. she can come off really misleading sometimes." he said as he help me out.

"tell me about it." I sighed and felt a little too hopeless in keeping this civil with Lindsey. I know I didn't do anything wrong-- whatever Tegan and I did, it happened while they were on a break up-- it's not as if I stole Tegan away from her. I can if I wanted to, and I should have done it years ago-- but I didn't because I respect their relationship.

"hey jo.." Jeremy called out. "I just want to say I'm sorry."

I looked up at him and smiled. "I'm sorry if I judged you. I never really thought you'd come around.. I didn't like you for Tegan but I supported her choices when I shouldn't have. I guess I was too blinded by the fact that she's my friend, and not yours-- I think I am partly to blame for what you've been through. so.. again I'm sorry." Jeremy paused whatever he was doing just to hold on to my arm and apologize. I really appreciate the gesture, and I was glad he finally thought about it in just a day.

"thank you.. for understanding." I said back, holding the back of his hand.

Jeremy grinned and pulled me in for a hug. "sorry if I chickened out last night, Lindsey was out of control" he said

I just chuckled as I pull away; "that's okay, no one could have stopped her anyway."

Jeremy and I continued on with the groceries, as Tegan joined us in the kitchen.

"how was it?" Jeremy asked as I walk over to the faucet to rinse the fruits.

"not good." Tegan said; I looked over her and said "were they mad about last night?"

Tegan nodded "yeah. really embarrassing, to think that almost the whole band was there."

Tegan walked over to me.

"where's Sara?" I asked. as I hand her over an apple.

"making some calls, she's really pissed. better start brewing her some of your magic tea." she said as she lean on the counter top and wipe the apple dry on her shirt.

I chuckled as I finish off straining the apples, then I looked back and saw Jeremy staring at us and smiling like a mad dog.

"what now?" Tegan asked, mumbling through as she chew on a mouthful of apple.

Jeremy shook his head. "nothing, I just think you guys look good together. But don't take my word for it." he said--almost teasing.

Tegan and I just shook our heads, I then got back to the work table while Tegan sat down on one of the kitchen stools. I felt a little awkward after hearing that, and just shook the idea off-- I hate the idea of having to consider being with Tegan again, but I know Jeremy was just playing around.

Sara got in just in time after Jeremy took the chance to shut his mouth up.

"you okay? you need coffee?" Tegan said, smiling at Sara.

Sara glared at her and shook her head. "I don't know why you're taking this all too lightly." she said as she walk over Tegan and sit beside her.

"come on Sara, everyone's doing a good job in keeping the people pacified, okay? just let them do what they're best at, and if they're able to hide your case against Stacy under the sheets, I don't see why they can't contain this." Tegan said. I'm imagining the management taking in some people good at crisis management (laughs)-- I mean they're just too concerned of their image and would definitely do anything to keep last night's brawl from going public-- more than it already is.

"I know, but it's really embarrassing." Sara said as she leaned her elbows on the work table and massage her forehead out of stress.

"don't worry too much, we'll be fine. okay?" Tegan said, rubbing Sara's back.

Tegan is doing a great job here-- she's the driver of this partnership and their business, so seeing her being all calm and contained definitely makes me look up to her. It's hard to keep it cool when your reputation is on the line like this, she may look like she doesn't care, but I know that a million things are running inside her head.

"I need some tea." Sara said as Tegan remove her hands from her while she stand up from the stool. "did you bring some?" she asked me; I just nodded, as I glance over Tegan who's smiling from ear to ear.

"I told you so." Tegan said, turning to me as Sara makes her way over to the water dispenser.

"stop it, Tegan." I said as I walk over to leave the kitchen to get an on the go tea bag from my purse.

I was already about to go back to the kitchen to give the tea bag to Sara, but someone came knocking on Tegan's door.

_wow, some early birds_ I said to myself as I walk over the door.

"Hi, thank you for comi-----" I said, but paused when I saw Emy and Lenny all smiles as they greeted me "HI JO!"

"oh my God! you made it!" I said as I hug them together. I contacted Emy for this yesterday, but I never got a response; so this is really a surprise.

"I told Emy you're gonna kill us if we don't show up, so here we are." Lenny said as I pulled away from both of them.

"oh I would've definitely killed you if you didnt! come on in" I asked as I move over to let them in.

"You can just put your stuff down in Tegan's room, if you wanna help out, or you can.. watch tv or play xbox, or what have you. " I said as Lenny and Emy settle in the couch.

The girls came out of the kitchen and greeted them too; Emy and Lenny wanted to catch up, but we're also pressed for time, so against Lenny's will, I asked them to just help us out in the kitchen as well, while Jeremy, Tegan and Sara then prepared the living room.

Right at that moment when the 3 of us were alone, I immediately turned to Emy; "so what happened to Stacy, that night after you came to my house?" I asked.

"she was totally devastated; that same night she flew out to new york. I havent talked to her since." Emy said in a lowtone.

"did you talk about anything on your way?" I asked.

Emy gave me a stare; I sense a bit of hesitation and fear-- "I've never seen her so mad-- and it's really unusual. She did a line while she was on my car, Jo. that fucking bitch did drugs while I was driving and I was just.. I've never felt so scared." Emy said with a shudder. "she said she'll leave Sara alone, but she'll never let you get away with it. she never really said anything else."

Lenny and I frowned and just felt a bit scared of Stacy for a while there. "Jo.. if I tell you to stay away from Sara, what would you feel? would you do it? I mean I'm not... saying this as an ex-gf, I'm saying this because you're my friend, and I'm concerned for both of you."

I cringed-- and for the first time I felt the tension and the fear of being with Sara. "Well.. I don't know... I'm.. to be honest I don't think I can leave Sara alone." I said in a very low voice.

Emy pursed her lips and nodded.

"I think I love her. and no matter how scared I am for both of us, I think one day, this will all be worth it." I said.

"I understand. I know how you feel.. just please.. please be very careful. I'm not going to ask you to leave Sara, it's not right and I'm happy for you guys, but please. promise me you'll look after eachother." Emy said with so much concern showing on her voice and face.

I smiled; "I'm trying not to be scared, Emy." I dropped the bowl I was mixing the veggie meat balls on. Lenny who was then busy listening to us, took it and mixed it himself. "I wanted to be strong for Sara, cause she's going through a lot right now, I am too. but.. it's nothing to what she's experiencing. I'm really worried for us though-- but I hope all this will be over soon." I said as I sit down on the stool.

Emy threw an arm over my shoulder and said; "we'll always be here for you. and I'm pretty sure the management is doing their best to help secure you guys as well.."

I looked up at Emy and smiled at her; "yeah they are, surprisingly very supportive.." I then reached out and held Lenny by his arms. "thank you guys.."

"don't mention it. you know my connections, so if you need some intel, you know who to call." Lenny said as he stop mixing the veggie meat ball batter.

I chuckled "oh yeah. definitely" I said, almost laughing as I recall how unimaginable his connections are.

"so how's it been with Sara?" Emy asked as she pull away.

I smiled and sighed "well.. things are.. going well. too well actually, I still couldn't believe it." I said.

"did you guys... you.. _do it?_? Emy asked with an awkwardly naughty smile. I don't know if I should answer her question, or if I should find it inappropriate.

"do you really want her to answer that?" Lenny asked.

Emy chuckled; "of course! I'm curious, come on. did you guys had sex yet?" emy asked raising her eyebrows and biting her lip.

"uhm.. yeah. we did.. just 2 nights ago when she came back from NYC" I said.

"oh God, finally.. now you see what I mean when I said she's a monster under the sheets?" Emy said. I just shook my head as I give her that awkward-almost disgusted look. I couldn't believe we're actually talking about Sara'a performance in bed.

"you guys are just disgusting, come on." Lenny said, rolling her eyes.

"seriously, Lenny? do you wanna talk about having sex with your friend's exes? don't act like you never did it." Emy said, as she grab one of the salsa jars from the center of the work table.

"whatever" Lenny just shook his head and also grabbed one of the jars to mix in for the meat ball sauce.

"anyway.. what about Tegan? you guys are 'okay' now, right?" she asked.

I nodded and smiled "surprisingly, we're doing just fine being friends. I just really hope Lindsey doesn't ruin that." I said.

"what? are they back together now??" Emy asked.

I shook my head; "I don't think they'll ever get back together, but she always show up on the scene without notice, it's starting to creep me out, to be honest."

"what do you mean?" Emy said as she cross her arms while she turn to me in curiosity.

"well when Tegan and I were packing the other day, she came without notice, and she kind of caught me and Tegan in a rather.. questionable "position" on the floor, but I swear to God we were in a small brawl but that's it. and then we got into an argument and her hands just flew in slapped me and Tegan.. and then last night.. oh God, we had a fight at the burgundy room, she hit Tegan a couple of times and it was really embarrassing, people even took photos and videos and posted them on tumblr and message boards, good thing the management was able to take it down, mere hours after the incidents"

Emy's hands ended up on her mouth and her face just blank-- she was obviously in daze

"oh my God.. I never thought Lindsey would do that! did she like, followed you around?" Emy asked.

"no, I don't think she's going to do that, more than anything else, she doesn't really want to see us at all, it's just that she happened to be at the wrong place in the wrong time." I said.

"well that's pretty fucked up; I mean if she believed all this time that you and Tegan are no longer a thing and then she catches you 2, then... if I was her I'd flip out but I won't be like THAT." Emy said.

The three of us aren't gonna finish anything with this conversation; "hey, she's one of a kind, so.. I guess that's her." I said, going back to business with the Salsa.

Emy just jerked her shoulders "oh well.. I just hope you guys get through it."

"she'll be fine in time, I'm sure. with That kind of job, I think she'll forget Tegan in a week or two" Lenny said.

I shot him a look and just nodded; but inside my head, I totally disagree with him. I HAD that kind of busy life back then, but it took me forever to get over Tegan; to think that we never were official and I dated different girls, which supposedly made it easier for me but it didn't-- Andy was my biggest distraction, but I was hurt still, so I just ended up even more devastated.

We just had to finish it off without talking about anyone else anymore, and kept ourselves busy with the food. Jeremy and the girls finished moving the furnitures around in the living room and hanging some party decors before he left to go to Kristen's place to talk to Lindsey.

\------------------------------------------

About 15 people came in for the early dinner that night, and it's been 4 hours since Jeremy left and he's not back from Kristen's yet. I was having a hard time socializing with the girls' guests cause I'm too busy worrying-- just the thought of Lindsey forcing Jeremy to tag her along is already making me nervous.

"Hey, you okay?" Tegan asked as she come over to me. I was just sitting at the couch, looking around the guests as they all chat.

"yeah." I said. "you need a refill?" I asked, looking at the empty wine glass Tegan was holding.

Tegan jerked "oh.. uh.. yeah." she said.

"I'll get you the bottle" I said standing up. Tegan then slightly moved closer "oh no, I'll get it, you just.. relax yourself. you seem bothered about something, I just thought I'd check up on you." she said.

I smiled; "well.. I'm fine, I just thought it's taking too long til Jeremy comes back." I said looking down to my glass.

"he's fine. he'd rather miss this party than not speak to Lindsey after last night" Tegan said. "and you seem like you also need a refill, here, let me take your glass." she said grabbing my glass.

Tegan then left while I just sit back on the couch feeling a little bear without anything to play with; I really am avoiding myself from putting my phone out cause I want to show Sara I'm not bored or anything-- but I guess I'm doing it wrong. I stood up from the couch again and walked towards Sara right across the living room.

I slowly slipped my hands onto her arms and closed in for a whisper "you busy?" I asked.

"not really, why? what's up?" she asked as she turn to me and smiled.

I swept my bangs and closed in to whisper; "nothing.. I just miss you. I'm tired just looking at you from across the room." Sara chuckled and grabbed me by the waist and pulled me closer on her sides.

"okay, then stay right beside me and don't go anywhere." she said. She then slowly slipped her empty hands down on mine and held them tight. There she goes again with the PDA-- well not that I consider this PDA enough for Sara-- but I barely know these people she was hanging out with, so I'm kinda concerned someone might ask about Stacy.

In the middle of a not so interesting conversation, Tegan came up to us and gave me my wine glass

"you feeling better?" Tegan asked as she chuckle and look down on our locked hands.

I smiled annd just nodded "yeah I'm fine"

"why, what's wrong?" Sara asked.

"oh nothing, I was just.. feeling a little bummed out in a corner" now I don't want her to think I;m not having a good time, "oh and Jeremy hasn't come back yet." I quickly added

"yeah, well where the heck is he anyway? did he text you already?" sara asked Tegan.

tegan then took her phone out from her back pocket, looked at it and shook her head; "nothing from him since he left" she said putting her phone back on her pocket.

I then felt a trace of electricity from the back of my neck as I hear Tegan's doorbell ring; "that should be him" Tegan said as she walk towards the door.

Sara and I then excused ourselves to join Tegan-- in excitement to know how the intervention went.

Tegan quickly opened the door, but instead of seeing Jeremy, there stood Julie and Harold. I sighed in disappointment, but immediately faked a smile to greet them.

"HI!" Julie greeted the girls in a high pitched voice. I understood why Tegan invited them, but I'm just surprised to see them in a private get together such as this, not that I don't want them around-- I just don't feel comfortable.

Julie walked inside and give the girls a hug; while Harold approached me and gave me a cheek.

"nice to see you again!" He greeted

"nice to see you too" I said, as he remove his jacket. Julie then walked over to me to greet me too.

"wow it felt like I havent seen you in forever!" she said as she push herself towards me for a hug. I had no choice but to hug her back and tap her shoulder in approval.

"yeah it does, nice to see you again." I just said bluntly.

"drinks anyone?" asked Tegan as Julie and I pull away from eachother.

"yes please, I need a little warmer" Julie said, giggling as she throw a glance over to Sara.

Here we go again.

\-----------------------------------------

Much to my dismay, Tegan, Harold and I ended up chatting while Sara and Julie talk quietly in one corner.

"so Harold, tell me... are you and Julie dating?" I asked feeling a little naive.

Harold chuckled. "NO!" Harold answered defensively with much conviction. "she's.. Julie's gay." I figured.

"oh.. I see.." i said, turning my head over towards Sara and Julie's direction. I just stared at them that minute, until Sara glanced over me. I stared at Sara and drank my wine, and slowly turned back to Tegan and Harold. I've always had a hunch, so I couldn't get anymore surprised that she IS actually gay.

"wow, this wine is just delicious, do you have more?" I asked Tegan.

Tegan sighed. "yeah, there's more in the kitchen, why don't you help me put out some more bottles for the guest?" she said as she usher me out of the small circle of chatters; "excuse us Harry" Tegan asked as she grab my hand.

"it's Harold." harold said, smiling awkwardly to Tegan's tease.

\----------------------------------------------

"okay, what's going on?" Tegan asked as she get my empty wine glass.

"nothing.. why?" I said, crossing my arm and keeping a staright face.

Tegan raised an eyebrow, "really? you expect me to buy that? come on." she said, screwing the wine cork.

Tegan was obviously having a hard time opening the wine, so I pulled it from her "let me do it." I said grabbing the bottle from her.

"I -- agh--" I pulled the opener "this thing's hard.."

"you see you don't have to pretend, Jo." Tegan said bluntly.

I paused and looked up at her as I put down the wine bottle on the counter top. I sighed.

"I hate that Julie girl. if not only for her professionalism, I would have already smacked that girl with my fist." I said, almost clenching my fist in jealousy.

Tegan smiled "yeah, you're being jealous."

I chuckled; "i know right? it's not cute, I feel... awful." I said as I cover my face with my 2 hands.

"hey.. come on now.. Sara'a not gonna replace you with her. she's just keeping her company. okay?" Tegan said as she softly pull my armsa away from my face.

"don't lie now Tegan. I know you know something." I said, suspiciously. I'm not really sure of what I was saying, but I'm hoping it would catch her off guard.

Tegan chuckled; "what? do you honestly think Sara's having an affair? Come on. No offence, but if she's gonna have an affair, I'm pretty sure she won't let you off like that. she'll probably stray away from you first. and she might do it behind your back."

I frowned as I absorb everything Tegan just said; it didn't help but it did make sense.

I shook my head and sighed as I take the wine bottle. "whatever, Tegan. I'm just not having any of it. call me possessive, but I'm sick of feeling jealous and thinking that people will always take me as another option, and not the actual choice." I then walked out of the kitchen and went over to Harold.

"I need a little help here." I said as I hand him over the wine bottle.

Harold looked up and stood from the couch "well, hope I can pop this one out for you." he said ash hand me over this wine glass and take the bottle. He twisted it and easily pulled the cork out.

"well that was fast.. thanks!" I said as I take the bottle. "need a refill?"

"sure.." I then poured some wine on his glass and gave it to him.

I turned towards the kitchen to go back to Tegan, but she was already on her way to me with our glasses.

"nice party! everyone's really nice." Harold said as Tegan approach us, flashing a grin.

"thanks, I actually paid them to come, cause it's embarrassing if you arrive to an empty room. I really don't know these people" Tegan said; sending Harold to laughter.

I almost forgot that Harold owns "New L.A.", I guess it does make sense that some ass kissing is needed; I suddenly felt embarrassed that I was treating him more like an ordinary acquaintance instead of a big-shot publisher.

I took another glance over at Sara and Julie, and they're still busy with eachother. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with Sara, that whenever Julie's with her, she just literally forgets I'm around. I'm not sure if she was even looking at me, or if she's trying to find me when I'm missing in action or what not-- it's disturbing and it makes me feel so worried-- that I'm starting to think that this might be more than just plain ass kissing.

I was too busy looking over at Sara and Julie, that Tegan had to tap me a couple of times just to say that my phone was ringing. I jerked and immediately ran my hand inside my pocket to grab my screaming phone.

"it's kristen" I said as I look on my screen.

"answer it!" Tegan said, trying to hurry me up.

"hello?"

_Hi jo, it's me Jeremy"_

"Jeremy? why are you calling me using K's phone?"

_mine died, I've been calling Tegan but she's not answering, can I speak with her please?_

I glanced over Tegan and handed my phone to her.

"hello?.. yeah.. WHAT?! I'm on my way, I'm sorry my phone's in my room. I'll call you when I get there." Tegan looked so worried, it made me feel nervous too, and awful things are starting to run in my head.

"everything ok?" Harold asked.

Tegan shook her head. "I fucked up." she said in a lowtone, as she frown as she was about to cry.

"what happened?" I asked, holding Tegan by the arm.

"I need to go. Lindsey's at the hospital" Tegan said as she hand my phone back.


	23. I know I know I know

"oh my God." I said as I cover my mouth in shock. I was just not expecting that. "Why?"

"She overdosed on God knows what kind of pills." Tegan said, with so much anger on her voice. Lindsey's just not the type, so this has caught us all by surprise.

Sara and Julie approached us upon seeing Tegan looking so flustered, and panicky.

"I need to go." Tegan said as she pull away and head on to her room.

"what's going on?" Sara asked.

"Jeremy called, Lindsey's at the hospital" I said bluntly.

"what the--? this is so messed up I'm telling you." 

I sighed and gave her my wine glass. "I'm driving her down." I said. I then turned away from them and went over to Emy and Lenny at the other side of the room.

"We'll be out in a bit, you guys are.. probably in charge while we're gone." I said to Emy and Lenny, not giving them any chance to even absorb what I just said.

I feel so pissed off about tonight and I;m starting to stress out again-- Julie and Lindsey in one night-- this is just too much. I walked over Tegan's room and saw her moving around the room as if looking around for something and being all fidgetty.

"hey, calm down.. she'll be fine. I'll drive you down." I said as I approach Tegan. Tegan sighed, and sat on the bed-- her face red and tears falling down her face.I couldn't stand seeing her like that so I sat beside her and just embraced her tightly.

"It's all my fault Jo.." she said, sobbing.

I shook my head, "don't be hard on yourself Tegan." were all I can say-- I honestly think that Lindsey was being completely irresponsible and irrational for doing that to herself. Tegan just cried and shook her head; "come on, let's go, they're probably waiting for you." I said as I pull her up; Tegan and I then stood-- I grabbed my bag and jacket and left the room with her.

"you guys take care.. call me." Sara said as she stand beside Julie and Harold from the same spot I left them. I just nodded and opened the door for Tegan.

\---------------------------------------------------

Tegan was still in daze on the drive down to Sinai; she's been crying and looking at her phone, as if she's waiting for any news about LIndsey from Jeremy.

She immediately called Jeremy right after I drove the car down the driveway; "text me the room number." I said as Tegan opened the car door. Tegan looked back at me and said "I will.." she then slowly closed in and gave me a hug. "thank you.. for doing this." she said.

"anytime" I said as she pull away and smile at me. Tegan then quickly got off the car and closed the door back.

\---------------------------------------------------

I finished 2 sticks of cigarettes before I get in at the hospital-- I just feel so nervous, I don't even know why I'm here. For all I could care, I can just tell Tegan I'll drive back to the apartment and just come back if she needs a ride home. But I'm here, 2 doors away from Lindsey's hospital room, and coming in to see if she's doing okay after causing her to do this to herself. I know so well what it feels like to be this hurt, but she's being completely ridiculous after having seen me and other people go through this kind of problem.

I gave out one last deep sigh before I knock on her door. The click on the knob just gave me the butterflies and I could not say anything to myself but just _calm the fuck down_. The door opened, and right away I saw Kristen standing Behind it. "Hi jo, come on in." I just gave Kristen a smile and slowly walked inside the room.

Lindsey was asleep, and beside the bed is Tegan, sitting on a chair and holding Lindsey's hands. The sight was not anything unusual but it made me feel a bit uncomfortable-- I couldn't explain it. I went over to Jeremy and gave him a cheek. He was looking a bit too bothered and still in a daze from what happened.

"what happened?" I asked as I sit beside Jeremy.

"well.. she couldn't sleep since last night, I'm suprised she didn't even pass out after drinking too much." Kristen said as she join us. I glanced over Tegan, and she was just there, staring at LIndsey, still crying and looking as if she's hoping she'd wake up to see her.

"and then Jeremy came, they talked, he left for the bathroom and to get some ale to help her with the hangover, and when he came back to her room, she was already down." Kristen crossed her arms as she stand in front of me and Jeremy.

"I was gone for barely 30 mins. 30 minutes, I'm guessing she took them right after I left. I should not have left her" Jeremy said in full effort; he sounded like he's having a hard time speaking from having to recall what happened.

"hey, don't blame yourself okay? she did this to herself." Kristen said.

I was feeling guilty too, If maybe I didn't start it off with Tegan again, this will never happen. I feel like a real douche for even being here, they don't need me here, and I think I should leave.

"do you guys think I should stay until she wakes up?" I asked.

Jeremy and Kristen just looked at eachother silently, and then turned to me in unison.

"uhh.. I think it's best if you don't let Lindsey see you." Jeremy said; Just as I thought.

"alright.. I don't really think it's also a good idea considering what happened here." I said as I stood up and gathered my jacket and purse.

"I'll go down with you." Kristen said as she put her jacket on.

Jeremy nodded; I then turned to Tegan who sat up as she noticed me approaching the door.

"are you leaving?" she asked in a rather confused tone.

"yeah.. I don't really want to cause Lindsey anymore stress when she sees me when she wakes up." I said in a lowtone.

"alright.. I'll just get a cab back home." Tegan said standing up. She then approached me and gave me a hug.

"thank you Jo." she said. I felt her words piercing my chest that very minute. I feel so bad about all this that I can't even think that I deserve her appreciation.

I just nodded as Tegan kiss my cheek; I couldn't feel anymore guilty and I just want to leave.

"call me or Sara if you need anything." I said as we pull away.

"I will" Tegan said squeezing my hands.

"bye.." I said as I walk away with Kristen. 

My tears immediately rolled down as I turn my back from Tegan and leave the room with Kristen. She slowly closed the door and threw an arm over my shoulder as we walk down the hallway towards the elevator.

"Hey.. I don't know what else to say to make you feel better, but you don't have to blame yourself with what happened to Linds, she'll be fine." Kristen said.

"I know she'll be fine.. But I've done so much to hurt her and I can't stand that." I choked.

Kristen then pulled me in her arms; "this is not your fault." she said rubbing my back. she slowly pulled away and tapped my shoulders and said "if anyone should be blamed, it's Tegan. But for Lindsey's sake, I can't keep her away. She loves her and it's best that she gets what she wants for now."

the elevator swung open; I quickly wiped my tears and enetered the crowded elevator with Kristen. We reached the ground floor without talking-- Kristen had her hood on the whole time and everyone else was quiet so I had quite a hard time stopping my sobs.

Kristen walked me down towards my car at the parking lot outside, and let out a cigarette as I open my doors so we can sit in while we smoke.

"thanks" I said as Kristen hand me over a stick.

"you know what I don't understand about Lindsey?" she started. "she's a fucking weak person despite her strong personality."

I chuckled; "yeah, well.. love will kill your strength and sanity, I can tell you that." I said.

Krsiten looked over to me smiling; but it faded. "so what really happened?" she asked.

I took a deep puff before I let out; I don't really wanna go back to that moment anymore, but I guess it won't hurt if I tell her.

"Last friday, Tegan and I were are at her apartment, I was helping her pack before she move out, after the day was over we got into a brawl.. we both ended up on the floor and she was basically on top of me, but I swear to God we didn't even look like we're having a moment or whatever. Unexpectedly, Lindsey barged in. and that already gave her the idea that we were together..so.. she just went ballistic, palms and tears were flying everywhere, it was .. a mess."

Kristen looked rather confused. "well, if the "postion" wasn't sexual then how come she got mad easily? I mean, I know Lindsey's not gonna give a single fuck if it was someone else maybe, but why did she act like that?" she asked.

I exhaled and said "I'm sure you didn't know about this, but Tegan and I have been messing around for the past.. I don't know, God knows how many years. long story short, Lindsey got mad cause she thought Tegan and I were on it again. Well.. we were, but they're technically broken up then.."

"WAIT, what?!" Kristen said, coughing on her smoke. "was that you? that girl Lindsey caught Tegan having sex with this past June??"

Past June? Last time I checked the only time she caught me and Tegan in an awkwardly romantic position was this past Friday. "no! of course not.. that wasn't me." I'm not sure if Kristen knows that Tegan was just lying then.. or maybe Tegan lied to me about lying to Lindsey? This is getting confusing; not that it matters but I will be really upset if it's true that Lindsey caught her and another girl together.

"oh my God." Kristen said, she pursed her lips and shook her head in disbelief. "so wait.. after they broke up, Tegan dated you?" she in slight shock.

"sort of.. we're not official, it was just a big hook up that went on year after year, everytime she falls out. It's a huge mess. I hate to admit it but I didn't mind being the back up girlfriend. But all this time I thought she changed.." I shook my head in my own disappointment. "I kind of stayed away when she pursued Lindsey, and I practically gave up. But it wasn't until I got into rehab when decided to totally remove her from my life. The addiction also made me feel ashamed of being on their circle, so I avoided her, Sara, Emy and everyone else. That's when I moved to Santa Barbara." I looked over at my cigarette and saw that it burned half way through my stick. I flicked the ashes and puffed as I turn to Kristen.

"wow.. ok, first thing, we've been friends all this time and you didn't even mention knowing Lindsey, I was honestly a little disapppointed, but it totally makes sense now. Second.. fuck Tegan, she is such a player, I had no idea she's the type, to be honest. I mean, after all the girls that hit on her, and she never entertained any of them was like too good to be true, I just had to give it to her." Kristen took a puff and shook her head again-- she was obviously disappointed with Tegan.

"how does it feel knowing that all those time, while she was hooking up with you, that she's been writing all those songs about Lindsey?" she asked as she exhale the smoke.

I smiled and shook my head, "well.. I had no idea she was writing about her. she sent me the songs, she sent the songs to Lindsey too. I just found out about it when I stitched things up when friends told me about what she's been saying during her banters about the writing process for the con." I chuckled as I recall how ridiculous she sounded then; "She even said in an interview that she had to leave the relationship because it was "too perfect". Fuck you bitch, you call us "normal"? she's just unbelievable."

"I don't really want to confuse you.. but.. do you think Tegan wanted you all along but she's just not ready for you?" she asked. 

I threw my cigarette on the ground as I exhale and look over Kristen in surprise to her theory. "I considered that. she also told me that, actually. But she proved herself wrong.. so.." I bowed and didn't continue, feeling a little too upset on about something I've supposedly gotten over from.

"I'm sorry.." kristen said as I step a leg down and grind the cigarette butt on the ground.

"I'm okay now.. We already talked. Jeremy and I cleared the feud too, which is a good thing.. so everything is fine. I hope Lindsey will also get better."

"well I hope she doesn't get back with Tegan again." Krsiten said. I leaned my head on the seat and turned to her as I play with her lighter on my hand and hand it over to her. 

"I couldn't see Tegan with anyone else but her. Tegan loves her, I can tell for sure. Whatever she did with me in the past belongs in the past, I've felt so many regrets, but I've never felt so bad about anyone else. To be honest, I think they belong together." I said.

"what about you?" Kristen said. I smiled; this is the part where it gets hard to break.

"oh I'm fine, Sara and I are doing perfectly okay.. despite a few issues with her ex, but we're going through it okay" I said casually, I didn't pull away from the revelation even after seeing Krsiten flinch from the sound of Sara's name.

"Holy shit, you're dating Sara?!" she asked; shje was obviously shocked but she was smiling. That's a good sign.

I just nodded.

"how did Emy take it? oh my God, and Tegan's fine with it? ...and Sara, she doesn't mind dating her sister's ex?" exactly the questions I've planned out answering.

I sighed "surprisingly, everyone's okay with it.. when they dated, I also became really close to Lindsey, she knew about my past with Tegan, and she was totally cool about that, cause we practically are friends and we stopped messing around."

"so when you and danny were together that time, was she 'the' big distraction?" she asked.

"yeah, basically. but when we broke up, everything went downhill.. the addiction, the accident. so after rehab, I went on a hiatus for 3 years, and then somehow, by some miracle, Emy found me, she retired, got me the job and here I am." I sighed in exhaustion, not for having to tell Kristen that, but just the idea of not being able to just let the past go no matter what we do now, is already making me feel sick of all this.

"sorry if I had to tell you.. just don't mention anything to Lindsey." I said as I pull out my vibrating phone.

Kristen just nodded and smiled at me as I put the phone on my ear to answer Emy's call.

_I'm sorry, if this is a bad time, but how are you guys?_ she said

"I just left Tegan at the hospital, Lindsey's safe, thank God. How are you guys doing?" I asked.

_well.. people are leaving. so you may wanna hurry back._

"okay then.. I'm on my way" I said as I twisted the key on the ignition.

"take care okay? text me." Kristen said as she lean in for a hug. She kissed me in the cheek and pulled away. "drive safely" she said as she slowly leave the car.

"I will" I said as she close the door and wave at me.


	24. You Went Away

"oh she's back!" Lenny greeted as I enter Tegan's apartment; all the guests have left and it was just the 3 of them on the living room.

Lenny walked over to me quickly, looking all woozy and red from all the alcohol;

"I am going to kill you for leaving us with all those people" he said as he lean over to me while we walk inside.

I just looked up at him and said "I don't really have a choice. come on." I looked over at the living room and saw Sara walking towards us.

"glad you're back" she said as she close in on me. We leaned in and kissed in the lips as Lenny leave us to join Emy. Sara exhaled as we slowly pull away from eachother; she held my hand, walking me towards the balcony. Her hands were too warm, and she was moving a little too swift, but she's swaying towards all directions-- she was obviously drunk, and her breath smells like a mix of wine and after coffee mints. I had to hold Sara by the waist as she almost hit the frame of the balcony door.

"hey.. you're drunk.. you need to take a rest." I said as I grab tighter on to her

"I missed you.." Sara said sadly. She looked up at me and gave me a rather comic sad expression; I just chuckled and kissed her on the cheek as she wrap her arms around me.

"I'm here now.. don't be sad." I said as I carry Sara's weight on my shoulder while she embrace me tighter and dump her face on the arch of my neck. I sighed to the feeling of Sara being all of a sudden clingy when she was too busy snobbing me before I left.

Sara then stood up and slowly pulled away; "so how was Lindsey?" she asked in a rather slurred manner and her eyes obviously looking heavy and almost closing.

"she's doing fine now.. and.. you need to go to bed.. come on." I said as I grab on to her waist again and lead her back to the living room.

I honestly have not seen her this wasted since that first night I stayed on her apartment in New York; I'm wondering what could have gotten into her this time; I couldn't say that she didn't notice her drinking, but she's just not the type. No matter how awful she feels, Sara was the person who would never let alcohol consume her, though she's a drinker, I must say, she doesn't take more than what she can gulp down. 

"I'm sorry hun.." she said, trying to stand on her own. 

"let's go?" I asked her as I move in front of her. Sara looked up at me and smiled.

"yeah" she said smiling. 

Sara walked past me as I look back towards Lenny and Emy who are both on the sofa, watching TV and drinking what's left of our champagne. "I'll just put Sara to bed" They both nodded as I follow Sara. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------

I sat on bed with Sara and helped her out of her sweater. I lifted the seams off her waist and raised it up towards her chest; she's breathing heavily, covered in sweat and her skin was really red; I was a little scared seeing Sara looking like so I immediately went over Tegan's cabinet to get her a face towel and a shirt.

I dug through her clothes and saw the black shirt that Tegan used to lend Sara; I pulled it out of the cabinet, and just as I was to put down the rest of her clothes back in place, I saw a a familiar black notebook. I ran my hands on the leather cover and felt a string of chills crawl up on my arm. 

It was Tegan's journal. 

I sighed and swallowed to the thought of reading through it-- I am so tempted to pull it out and read it since she's not around, but I shook the thought away and just placed the clothes back on top of it. I went ahead and looked for a face towel that I can help cool Sara down with.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

"are you okay hun?" I asked Sara as I come back from the bathroom after wetting the towel. She was all curled up under the blanket when I entered the room.

"Im fine, I'm just feeling a little too dizzy and cold." Sara said, with a shudder.

I immediately sat on the bed beside her and ran the towel over her neck

"Jesus, that's cold" She said, trembling.

"yeah, but it will help you warm down afterwards. " I said firmly, feeling a little upset with Sara.

"are you mad at me?" Sara asked, her eyes closing from its heavy weight.

I smiled; "no I'm not..I'm just.. a little disappointed." I said, pushing the towel over to her arms this time.

"I'm sorry." Sara said. she then gave in and closed her eyes; "I'm just upset about what happened last night, and I'm scared what the management and label will think of us."

I felt chills again; this time, because of guilt. "don't be sorry. I should be the one to apologize, it was all my fault. all this is my fault." I said, in a rather low and embarrassed tone.

Sara opened her eyes and slowly sat up; she frowned as she moan; probably from the pain on her head.

"come on you don't need to sit up, just lie down." I said holding her by the shoulders and trying to push her back down.

She shook her head and said "no, I'm fine"

I sighed and just let my hands down.

"you don't need to be sorry about anything. people should never justify their actions by the way others make them feel." Sara said, looking right into my eyes.

She smiled and leaned over to kiss me. I felt my face warm up to her skin, but not because of the touch-- but because I was feeling too upset of myself this time.

Maybe it's just the alcohol, but the high already subsided from all that's happened at the hospital, so I guess I'm being completely rational with feeling like this.

Sara's kiss became harder and she started biting onto my lips,. I was feeling the heat on my core too, but I'm really not sure if I wanted to do it when she's obviously drunk.

Sara slowly slipped her hands over my face and pulled me closer for a deeper kiss--I really wanted to give in, but we're both tired, and she's also obviously wasted, so I slowed down and just gave her a tight hug.

"jo.." Sara whispered from behind my ear. 

"yes hun?" I answered back as I comfortably rest my head on her bare arm. 

"please don't leave me like that again." she said, moving her head away so she can take a good look at me. I looked back up and smiled; I did think I was a bit-- meaninglessly harsh on her earlier. I should not have just quickly walked away like that--

"I know it;s an emergency, but when you walked away, I felt... I don't know why, but I felt a bit scared." she said, not taking her stare off my eyes.

"I'm sorry.." I slowly caressed her cheeks; and felt her cheeks finally cooling down. "I won't walk out on you like that again..."

Sara smiled; she seem satisfied with what I said-- I meant it anyways, so I guess she did feel I was sincere. But her smile quickly faded as she grab on to my hand and kiss it.

"I know I'm drunk.. but.. will you believe me now if I tell you, that I want you to be mine forever?"

that came out of nowhere. 

Sara never lied to me; and she's the type who keeps a lot of things to herself-- so to hear her say this, without mumbling; was indeed _something_

I smiled; almost stopping myself from giggling from feeling the butterflies; "yes.. I believe you."

Sara just then didn't say anything-- she just smiled at me, and closed her eyes to sleep. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------

the next morning, I woke up to Sara who was still sleeping very soundly and curled up under the sheets, close to me. I love how she would straighten herself for sleep and end up messing up the bed and sneaking herself in under the sheets, as close to me as she can. I checked the time and it's still too early to get up, I've only had a few hours of sleep, but I don't feel like going back to sleep, so instead I got up and called Tegan. Her phone rang a hundred times but there was no answer so I texted her instead, and called Jeremy.

"Hello"

"hi Jer.. how are you guys doing there?"

"wait, a minute..."

Jeremy obviously had to cover the mouthpiece and talk to someone in the room. I could hear his foot steps and the creaking of the door.

"hey, Lindsey's up.. so Tegan can't answer her phone, im sorry." Oh, great, now Tegan's avoiding me?

"oooookay? well.. how are things?" I asked him instead.

"well, she's doing fine.. Kristen just left for a shoot, she's really happy that Tegan's here."

"good, just wish her well for me.. or.. maybe not tell her." Jeremy chuckled.

"we've been really careful not to say anything about you.. so I might not be able to say that."

"I figured.. anyway, when are you guys coming back? we can't stay in Tegan's apartment the whole day.."

"oh yeah, shit.. uhm.. give me a sec I'll get Tegan"

I hope Lindsey won't have to ask who was on the line or it might end up on another brawl. I waited on the line for about 2 minutes til Tegan spoke.

"hey.."

"hi tee, what time are coming home?"

"I would have to send Jeremy there instead, I left the keys on my dresser, just lock the apartment up and give the keys to Jeremy when you leave."

"so you're staying there?"

"yeah.. hope you don't mind.." why would I mind?

"not at all.. just.. do whatever you want, just make sure she doesn't.. go crazy again."

"yeah.. well.. I'm really stressed out, she's barely talking but she said she's happy to see me.. WITHOUT you." oh dear.

"well she better get used to it.. anyway, I hope she recovers soon. I guess I'll see you tomorrow?"

"yeah, I'll probably stay here til then."

"okay.. well.. I'll try to get some sleep, just ask jeremy to not stop calling till I wake up when he gets here."

"alright, I will" Tegan said mumbling through her laughter "and uhh.. thank you.. again." she added, getting herself together this time.

I smiled. "don't mention it. anything for you.. you better get inside now, Lindsey might suspect."

"alright, talk to you soon.. bye"

I hung up the phone and felt my hands tremble from pressing the lock button. I felt like my heart dropped-- I don't what to think of it. Why do I feel so upset when there's clearly nothing to feel bad about? Am I stil feeling guilty for causing all this trouble to Lindsey and Tegan? or am I upset that Tegan is with Lindsey? I had to shake the idea off, I don't want to feel this, I can't feel bad about this.

I spent the next few hours waiting for Sara to wake up. I lied in bed and stared at her face and softly tracing her features and curves-- I could do this all day-- it's so amazing how big of a distraction she has become for me... Being with Sara has made me wish that she never had a twin, that I never had to meet Tegan, or that there was just one of them, and I didn't have to feel confused everytime I spend time with each one of them.

I'm starting to think that Jeremy might be right-- that I may need to leave them alone-- and that it might be a good idea to have just avoided them for good. A part of me still wants to run away, but I'm holding on to whatever Sara and I have at this point; though I cannot come to admit to myself that I am in love with her, like something is holding me back; and I hope it's not Tegan.


	25. I was Married

SARA POV

My head is throbbing-- and the whole time Jeremy was driving me around, I've been stopping myself from throwing up inside his car. I'd never had that much to drink, and I've never had this kind of headache since 2010. I could say for sure that I just had the worst hangover in my life. I decided to come with Jeremy since Jo is avoiding seeing Lindsey, and she won't have to see me like this, and instead of sleeping around I'd rather see how Lindsey is doing.

Jeremy and I didn't speak, there's just something about him this past few days that doesn't feel right; especially during our small night out at Burgundy room. I don't know if he's trying to break me and Jo off, I don't want it to look like that, but his gestures are saying otherwise. I just hope I didn't have to confront him about anything personal cause he's the last person I want to stay away from-- he's my sister's bestfriend and I can't ruin that for them.

We reached Sinai, and upon parking, I ran up to a bin to throw up-- my stomach just gave an unexpected and sudden turn from the drive and I feel like I'm dying.

"there there.. are you okay sar?" Jeremy asked as he rub my back while I let it all out.

I just nodded as I pull out a hanky to wipe my mouth; I stood straight and sighed as I shake my head from complete disbelief "I'm not drinking ever, again." Jeremy chuckled as he hand me over a bottled water.

"that's a funny joke Sar." Jeremy said as he put an arm over my shoulder. "do you wanna go inside?"

"yeah, let's go.." I said as we then walk over to the entrance.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

Tegan and Jeremy left to get some breakfast, so I stayed in with Lindsey so I can accompany her while the were away; she was just sitting on her bed, looking all tired; her eyes were swollen as if she just finished crying. 

"why did you do it?" I asked her bluntly-- it's really stupid, what she did. I may be really upset with what Tegan did to her, but committing suicide is also just as stupid.

Lindsey bowed her head down and started sobbing; I want to comfort her but I don't really know what to say to her.

"You know how much I love Tegan." she said.

I was trying my hardest not to make it look like I pity her, so I kept a straight face. 

"yeah. but.. Linds, come on. It's not worth it. There's more to life than Tegan. you knew that, from day one. I warned you." I don't want to say 'I told you so', but yeah, I told her so.

"what were you thinking?" I asked Lindsey. She couldn't look at me straight, and was just breathing heavily and clenching her fists. "Linds, you know all too well than to do this to yourself."

"why is it hard for you to understand that I love your sister?" She sat up, her eyes glaring at me this time and now starting to cry. "that I want her more than anything else in this world?"

I pursed my lips. She just doesn't get it, Tegan will never want her again no matter how much she forces herself to.

"I will do anything, and I mean-- ANYTHING. Just to get her back. Your little girlfriend is in for the kill I'm telling you. If you didn't hire Jo, all this wouldn't happen." Lindsey was really stubborn, I don't even know if it's worth telling her again-- she's just like Tegan.

"Lindsey, of all people who knows Tegan, no one else can read her map like I do." I said calmly; she should get what I meant by that.

"I know what you told me before, Sara, and you don't have to tell me to stay away from her again, because that's not what I want to do." Lindsey was crying harder-- and I'm starting to feel guilty for even doing this in Tegan's favor.

I walked over beside Lindsey and sat on the bed; "look, I'm your friend, and even though I'm the type who would support you on what you want, I do care for you; and I am telling you now, you need to let go of Tegan. She's not gonna come around, Linds, believe me."

I slowly slipped my hands over Lindsey's arm and gave an embrace; "I'm sorry, Linds, but it's for your own good."

Much as it hurts to see her be this devastated, I just couldn't stand her doing this to herself. She needs to stay away from Tegan for now, that's the only way to end this-- I really wanted her to stay around though, but after all that happened, the damage is just too big to mend and keep a civil disposition.

The mood was very tensed, and emotional, and I can almost feel myself giving into tears as well, in feeling too bad about all that's going on, when luckily my phone rang.

saved by the bell

Lindsey and I pulled away as I pat my jacket pockets for my phone. I quickly turned away from Lindsey upon realizing it was JO calling me; I ran out the room and answered the call

"yes hun? everything okay?" I asked her quickly as I closed the door back. There's just something about Jo, that makes me feel afraid everytime she approaches me, everytime she calls me, everytime she looks for me-- just in the sense that she's the type of person who doesn't easily call out for help, it's still unusual for me to see her this open-- in a way-- I know it's just a phone call, but a phone call for Jo is tantamount to "I need you here with me"

"yes, I just.. I'm just checkin up, and I'm back at the apartment." 

these gestures, these little things that she does, always makes me feel really nervous.

"well.. it's a nightmare in here, I'm telling you that. Lindsey's been crying non stop, and Tegan and Jeremy couldn't wait to get out of her room when we came. they left to get some food." I said. 

"good.. how are you feeling? Jeremy said you threw up?" she asked. Oh Jeremy. I chuckled from embarrassment and just bit my lip as I try to come up with a rather acceptable excuse. 

"yeah.. hangover. but I'm doing better now.. where are you heading by the way?" 

"to Emy and Lenny's hotel.. I'm at the elevator now actually." she said as her reception get a little rustled. "by the way, can you do me a favor?"

"yes, hun. anything. what is it?"

"please tell Lindsey I'm sorry." I know JO was really sincere, and that this will be the only way she'll let go of the anxiety and worry for Lindsey, but I wanted to decline the favor.

"I'll try to get a good timing for that, she might throw a fit, but.. I'll do my best."

"thanks Sar. oh and please join us for Lunch. Come over as soon as you can, I really miss you."

I smiled by myself at the hallway, making sure no one sees me in this specially awkward moment. 

"I miss you too, I'll just wait for Tegan and Jeremy to come back and then I'll go right along."

"Alright. I just got my order of cards for humanity in the mail earlier so we'll play some later-- and I got us some wine"

"sounds like a plan, I'll meet you guys there." I said. 

"see you, love." 

I almost fainted-- Each and every time she says the word, it sends my head to a spinning spree and my gut to turn-- in a really good way.

"kisses.. bye!" I said quickly, not wanting to sound awkward as I swoon to her last response. I quickly ended the call and let out a deep sigh of embarrassment-- I hope I don't come off as the clingy one. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

Holding hands with my girlfriend, has never felt this nerve wracking. 

To this day, even though our skins have touched a hundred times and I kissed her over and over, I'm still in this stage of disbelief, that I was actually dating Jo. Years ago I never thought I'd ever hold her like this, while Tegan and myself vowed to never date the same girl-- not that they ever dated officially but totally went all the way. I couldn't care much about what they did-- how many times they had sex, how many hugs and kisses they shared and how many times they've fucked eachother's minds up-- all I care about now is how I'm beginning to love this person. Tegan has always been at her best self when she was with JO than she is during her serious relationships. It's as if Jo was her safe zone, and I have come to fully understand why that is, now.

"so when's the wedding?" I asked Emy across the table. It's odd how this hotel room doesn't have round tables-- I'd always prefer a round table, it makes me feel less lonely when I'm dining alone, and it gives a more friendly atmosphere when I dine with a group. Or maybe that's just me.

Emy gave a slight shudder from my question-- I know it's been years since she last had a girlfriend, and a serious one at that, so I'd understand that she's still quite in disbelief in settling down.

"in 4 months." she answered, sounding a bit reserved.

"wait, why so sudden? I thought you guys are planning to do it next year?" Jo asked as she put down her wine glass, that she was about to drink from.

Emy sighed; "Emilie's in a hurry I guess." still, I feel like Emy's not telling me something. None of us spoke after hearing Emy's answer-- it's as if there's this unspoken understanding that we shouldn't question it if it was Emilie's call. I just feel like Emy's getting herself into something far more than what she signed up for.

"well, whatever that date is, make sure you tell us right away so we can schedule it. you know how Angie can be so meticulous with time." Sara said. 

"I know right? Emilie wants to do it on a weekend. so I guess that's gonna work out. we'll talk about the exact date when we meet at New York next week." Emy said.

The word sent Sara to cringe; for a while there we almost forgot about how she's supposed to go to NYC again for another hearing. Sara's hand flinched from where she leaned it over my thigh, I took it and just gave it a soft squeeze. 

"when are you flying in again?" Emy asked. 

"next week friday most likely." Sara answered, scratching her nose. 

"do you REALLY have to be there all the time?" Lenny asked, he was right in front of the tv browsing some channels, and we didn't notice he was listening to our conversation despite us all knowing he abandoned us for a new episode of keeping up with the Kardashian's.

 

"I mean.." Lenny turned to face us. "celebrities most of the time send in there reps or their lawyers to represent them in hearings, you do have a record to make, right?" Lenny said as he approach us ath the lunch table. 

"I need to be there, Lenny. unfortunately. they have to prove that I wasn't really there the night of the encounter and that I'm not just an ex girlfriend that got cheated on." I could feel Sara's agitation as she answer Lenny. "although I was actually cheated on, that is still my home they vandalized. plus I'm missing a couple of jewelry and gadgets that I left there before I flew to Vancouver so I'm guessing someone took it."

It might sound quite ridiculous that Sara is accusing Stacy and David of theft, but come to think of it, they're not married, and those stuff are her personal belongings, it cannot be conjugal. 

"wow. I just could not believe it has come to that point." Emy said as she rest her chin on her palm.

"yeah, you can just imagine my disbelief" Sara said, shaking her head. 

We all fell silent from the conversation-- it was prolly too sensitive for any of us to break the ice with a joke; I too just couldn't think of anything to lighten up the mood. 

"is someone knocking or is it just my imagination?" Emy asked. 

"Don't worry I heard that too,I'll get it." I said, getting up.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

"tea?" were all I could say to Tegan. We were all just sitting around her from the minute she came to emy and Lenny's hotel.

 

"yeah..?" she answered. 

"wait, is that.. a yes _I want some tea_ or re you responding to hr calling you?" Lenny asked.

We all shot him a look; "what? don't hate on Lenny. he's asking a really valid question."

"what the fuck Jo, ask the question correctly, will you?" Lenny said.

well that broke the ice; I wasn't even trying but at least we all loosened up a bit. 

"well.. if you're asking if I want some tea, then I'd love one, thanks." Tegan said, hiding thru the chuckle. 

"I'll go get you one." Emy said standing up. 

"thanks Em." Tegan said smiling. 

"so is Lindsey gonna be okay?" I asked. 

Tegan nodded, still with a smile on her face. 

"that's good.. I hope she doesn't do it again." I said

After Jeremy dropped Tegan at the hotel about an hour after Sara arrived, we all drove back to ecopark since Emy and Lenny needed to go back home to Santa Barbara. I'll definitely miss them and I can't wait to see Emy in her wedding gown and Lenny on a much anticipated suit and tie. Sara and I aren't part of the entourage but we will be speaking for them, which is quite exciting-- I already have my speech composed inside my head and I can't wait to bust some Storey ass; though she might regret having me as a really good friend after that. 

"I'm sure Emilie won't mind if I.. you know, sound kinda endearing for the speech?" Sara asked as she cozy up on the passenger seat. 

"oh hell no. I'm sure she's gonna flip on her wedding day." I said as I switch gears. "but don't take my word for it. Emy won't marry someone that narrowminded-- you'll be fine."

 

"well we've met Erica and she's really nice. I just feel like there's a little insecurity in her that can't be left unnoticed." Tegan said from the backseat. 

"yeah? now that's interesting. I've never met her and Emy doesnt really talk much about her. I'm starting to feel left out to be honest." I said before Sara's phone rang. 

"hello?" Sara answered "TODAY? I thought we're following holidays in the US?" 

uh-oh, now that doesn't sound good. 

"fine, okay.. gives us about an hour. alright, see you." Sara put her phone down and gave off a sigh. 

"we're recording."

"aw that's just great." Tegan said from the backseat. 

"oh shit, now I have to call Veronica in." I said, remembering that she needed the day off too, just like any of us -- and that's also why we held Tegan's party on a sunday so we can all sleep in the next day. But no, management decided to become a complete party pooper and ask us to work on a long weekend off. ugh.


	26. Speak Slow

After taking a much needed shower, we all drove uptown to the studio. It's Sara turn on the leads, while Tegan is backing up on vocals and live backing track. 

"you can probably also do a panoramic shot of the studio if you can, to give it a little bit of drama." Tegan said as she watch with me from behind the monitor as Sara sings a really sad melancholic song. 

"I can do this on black and white while we're at it." I joked. 

"no. please don't. that's too cheesy for your type." she said as I chuckle. She know my style all too well. "actually it's too cheesy for anyone so please doooon't" 

"calm down, dude. I'm just messing." I said. We all just went back to our business and just watched Sara again. 

"Wow.." I said shaking my head slowly in disbelief to Sara's beautiful voice as we hear her raw vocals. 

"I know. amazing isn't it? there's something about the way she sing sad songs.. it just... pinches right through you." Nick said from behind. 

I looked behind me and I didn't notice that everyone in the studio is actually watching Sara attentively, as if we all were captivated by her. 

I look back at my monitor and smile as I focus the 2nd camera on sara's face; she does look sad. Almost teary eyed, and the wrinkles on her face are definitely showing a frown. my own smile faded from hearing the words to this new song. 

I pursed my lip for a second and then looked up, not noticing Tegan was sitting right beside me, watching me. 

"what?" I asked. 

"what, what?" Tegan answered. 

"why are you fucking staring at me?" 

"nothing, I just.. I was kind of thinking about the projects we had with Harold and Julie, amybe you can use these images for them" Tegan said, looking up at Nick. I figured she doesn't want to talk about what she was actually thinking, in front of them. so I just gave her a smile. 

"Alrighty then.." 

\------------------------------------ 

Sara was done on one of her songs and I also stopped running the camera at that point; everyone else in the studio started to leave one by one, until it's just Tegan and I. 

"I'm sorry I... just couldn't get to tell you what I was thinking when they were still here." Tegan said 

I knew it 

"what is it?" I asked. 

"well.. don't take the song seriously, it's not that.." I raised a hand shook my head as I scoff. 

"it's okay, I get it, she's visiting the moment, to get the feel of the song." I know at one point in the song I felt a little uneasy, but I just shook it off, knowing how they work with their songs. 

"just so you know she loves you. so, you don't have to be worried." Tegan said, leaning her hand on my shoulder. 

I know that. Sara did say that when she write songs and sing them, most of the time it's not about her current emotions, but based on her past and how she felt. she doesn't write them while she had it in her head, cause at that time she doesn't have better judgment of the situation, and she hates to make it sound like she's really leaning towards destroying the good memories. 

I just smiled at Tegan, I know she knows that "I know" that Sara loves me. I could just come off doubting sometimes, but I believe Sara. 

"did you talk to Lindsey yet?" I asked breaking the ice. 

"yeah. she's getting better thank God" She said, pulling her sleeves down. It's freezing in here. 

"good.. so... I hope you don't mind me asking.." I said as I pan out the lens. "what's your plan?" 

Tegan turned and stared at me, slowly giving a slight smile. "you're seriously asking me that?" 

"yeah, why?" I asked, crossing my arms. 

"at the back of your head I'm sure you're thinking I'm getting back together with her, huh?" Tegan asked, smiling sheepishly. 

"well.." I bowed awkwardly. "yeah.. that's true." 

"...and honestly, will that make you upset?" 

I looked back at Tegan and smiled. she knows; I'm not gonna take it lightly if she gets back with her. 

"No." Though I have to be honest, that there's something in me that wishes if she jumps into a relationship again, that she would be with Lindsey-- it's the easiest way out of all this. 

"Jo.. I'm not getting back with Lindsey." I'm confused "don't worry" 

"but why?" I asked. I then looked away and started monitoring Sara's recording again, so as to not come off as too interested. 

"I mean you don't get it, it's not that I don't want you to get back with her. if you would ask me, I'd rather see you with Lindsey than some random girl." and that's the truth. 

"I don't think it's going to be the same." Tegan shook her head "It didn't work out the first couple of years; I don't why it will in next, I don't know, 3 or 4 years. we've been together for too long, you know how toxic it will be if we try to work it out after a ton of cheating." 

I looked through the camera, and just nodded. "yeah.. well.. that does make sense." I said, still trying to get my focus on Sara. 

Silence just fell and we were both at some point, feeling awkward that we're even talking about this issue now. 

"jo.." Tegan called. 

"yeah?" I answered, still looking through the camera. 

"How much do you love Sara?" She asked. 

I looked up at her, feeling all confused. I guess this was the only chance Tegan and I had to talk on our own, so these are all coming out of our mouths like we're never gonna talk to eachother like this again. 

"I... I love her enough to... risk our friendship." I answered. trying to get rid of the lump in my throat; I feel like I'm gonna cry any moment now. 

"Yeah but... you did the same with me, what makes it special with Sara this time?" Tegan asked. I don't know if she was trying to get me to say that I still feel something for her-- I just don't feel that way anymore. 

"Because she was willing to risk more than what I needed her to." I said, without a stutter. It was exactly what she needed to hear; and I hope I was clear enough. 

I slowly pulled away from the camera and looked up at Tegan. She gave a short smile. 

"good answer" Tegan said, still smiling. She then turned around and went for the door, "but still not good enough for me." she added, but she never looked back-- she stood there for a second, as if trying to get back at me with some more-- but she just let out a deep sigh, and left me alone in the studio. 

I don't know what that was about, but I have a feeling that she's back on her game again. I hope I'm wrong-- that this is just her testing my faithfulness to Sara. #


	27. Knife Going In

**FRIDAY**

This past Tuesday, Lindsey was finally released from the hospital, Tegan missed half the day of the recording to give a hand, fetching her form the hospital and sending her home to her new apartment with Kristen.

I heard everyone in the fan base was freaking out since the photos of them 3 leaving the facility; it was just a whirlwind of chaos. Honestly, I have no idea they were this big of a deal that paps are already camping out to take photos of Kristen and Tegan. 

Apart from the cyber crowd control, we also made new merch designs which I had to spend ample time talking to Emy about, causing her to fly in again in the midst of her wedding plans. This was exactly what they were avoiding, and Emilie couldn't be anymore unsupportive of it. Honestly I don't think it's a right choice in any angle, for whatever reason, to choose voluntary work over your fiancée. just not fair.

Today being the last day of the working week, couldn't be anymore exciting. I can't wait to come home to our apartment and cuddle with Sara after a much needed wine and sleep in til it's Monday morning.

Just as Sara and I were about to leave the apartment, I got a text message from Tegan saying Lindsey's coming over to the studio and she doesnt want me to be caught by surprise. I drove us down to the studio, and all 4 of us were not talking on our way.

"everything okay?" sara asked as we reach the driveway.

"yup" Tegan answered, nudging her wayfarers.

"no carpool videos today?" Vernoica asked.

"none until management says so" I said bluntly.

"ugh. that's just unfair." Veronica said.

"I feel ya." Tegan said seeing her cross her arms from the rear view.

I parked the car without a word and killed the engine as I keep myself busy in gathering my stuff.

I took a deep breath as I lock the doors from the remote as we walk in the studio, feeling all nervous and uneasy from what's gonna happen today when Lindsey sees me.

I'm doing anything I could possibly think of just to avoid crossing paths with Tegan today, cause any minute now, Lindsey is coming by the studio and I don't know why.

I wanted to talk to Sara about it but I don't want to come of as if I'm making a big deal out of it since Tegan is involved.

after setting up, I decided to get me and Sara a cup of coffee; on my way out of the pantry, there they were, right in front of me, just right across the hallway, outside the glass door leading out to the studio's backyard; Tegan and Lindsey, talking but inaudible from my end so I moved a little closer. Sara is currently on the studio, setting up and ready to record and I'm pretty sure she won't catch me eavesdropping.

"I'm still having nightmares about it, it's horrible" Lindsey said.

"you should be haunted, no shit, suicide is not a funny thing."

I bit my lip as I suddenly felt myself visiting a part of my past I tried so hard to move on from. Suicide is indeed horrible. It's true what they say that you will come to realize  that dying is not the answer to your miseries, when you actually begin feel what it's like to die.

"I know."

Then there was a moment of silence; I tried moving in a bit towards their direction, I thought maybe I"m just not hearing them talk but it seems like they really paused for a while.

"so what's the score between you and jo?" LIndsey asked, hesitantly.

I heard Tegan scoffed. "We're so over. she and Sara are madly in love with each other and I dont have plans of interfering. I mean I have to be honest, when we broke up, I tried it again with her.. but it was only a matter of days when.. she realized she didn't want me back."

I don't get why Tegan could talk about us so casually right in her face like nothing happened to Lindsey, she doesn't realize how much it would probably hurt her especially in this very sensitive time.

"you see.. it hurts that after all these years you still wanted her"

"But I loved you, Lindsey. I chose you. Wasn't that enough to make you feel better that I'd rather be with you then?  but it's just not meant to be. we were not meant to be, Jo and I are not meant to be."

"I don't even know if I can believe what we had was real."

"6 years, Linds.. At least it was real for me."

There was a pause, and I swear I heard Lindsey sob.

"please don't cry.. come on... I still care for you so much..I don't want to see you like this"

"I understand that people fall out of love. and things just dont work out especially if there's barely even a time to spend to talk about the rest of their lives.. but I... all along I thought we were doing okay."

"we were." Tegan said, sounding rather unapologetic.  "Until you decided not to have the baby anymore. we're not getting younger Lindsey; and if having a family isn't on your list, then.. look.. I'm sorry I lied about cheating on you, I just.. I don't want you to blame yourself.. "

_Whoa, what?_

So Lindsey didn't want a family with Tegan after all these years? I don't know if I'll be surprised because Tegan never told anyone about the baby, or because her voice is literally breaking when she just said that.

"I'm sorry.." Lindsey said.

Now I feel like the tables have turned, this is now giving me a whole different perspective of things.

"don't be. just don't hurt yourself anymore over something that's not what you whole heartedly want."

"are you seeing anyone?"

"no.."

_liar._

"I wish I was.. I mean I dated a few girls, but they're just good for the night unfortunately." Tegan added.

"are you still.. hoping for Jo to come around?" come on, why does it always have to be about me and Tegan?

"even if she did, it won't be the same anymore." _true_. "It's me against Sara. it's not right. so my answer's no. I can't forgive myself if I let a girl get in between me and Sara."

I pursed my lips upon hearing this-- I don't know if there's much truth to THAT one-- The hair at the back of my neck started to raise, and something in my gut is telling me to leave, and I'm not ready to hear the rest of this.

"you're right.. but what if I tell you I wanted to have the baby?" ooh.. so _now_ she wants the baby? Lindsey's got to make up her mind.

"No." Now that was harsh. "I'm not gonna deprive you of the things you REALLY wanted. I'm not gonna force you to do something for me that you wouldn't want to do in this lifetime."

Lindsey scoffed "that was just a hypothetical question.. but it seems like even if I really did want to have the baby, you still won't take me back."

Lindsey sounded desperate and it really hurts me to hear her talk like this.

"believe me, I wanted a family with you.. but the first time you hesitated and said no.. that's was just the end of it."

I slowly let out a sigh.. I'm not even supposed to hear any of this; I don't think it's right that I'm even 'trying' to fish on them; I may have a knack for accidentally getting caught in these types of situation, but I feel guilty for snooping.

I quietly moved away, walking towards the hallway out of the kitchen, hoping they won't see me from where they were standing. My coffee was cold, and I wanted to heat it up but it's probably best that I wait til Lindsey leaves the studio. I couldn't afford getting on a brawl over Tegan again; not anymore.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**SARA**

Jo's been acting weird since this morning, and she's not telling me anything; it's like she's avoiding me over something and I'm getting a bit suspicious. I know Lindsey came over the studio earlier, but no matter how I'm brushing the thought away, I couldn't help but think of why Jo was creeping up behind Tegan and Lindsey. I guess following Jo to the pantry wasn't such a good idea; all I wanted was an extra shot of caffeine, but what I got was more than I bargained for. I don't know if I should be mad; I may be her girlfriend but I'm not in the place to tell her what not to do. Jo's probably still affected by all that's happening between Lindsey and Tegan, it might have been painful for her to see them like that.

Lindsey left a few hours after she came in and watched with Tegan, while Jo sat down behind her monitor, just being too busy to even talk to Veronica-- but if I know, and I'm guessing, she's just avoiding Lindsey. Though, Tegan and Lindsey approached Jo and bid goodbye in a jiffy while I just waved at Lindsey from inside the booth.

 

\--

 

It was lunch time but I'm not feeling the good vibes just yet; I wasn't even in the mood to eat or even see Jo and Tegan, but I guess I couldn't escape them, especially now that Tegan has taken the liberty of preparing lunch for us this week.

"please don't say we're having Kale again." Jo said as Tegan put out a big dust bag on the table.

"yes we are." Tegan said. I almost laughed at our misfortune, but no joke, I think I'm gonna puke if I eat another forkful of green.

"oh Jesus, we're not goats."  I said as I rest my hands on my face.

"not to worry I brought roasted chicken breasts and qinoa for all you murderers." she said, putting out an airtight container from the dust bag.

"Thank God" Jo said, letting out a deep sigh.

"that's more like it." Veronica added.

"I know you're loyal to Jo and Sara here, but don't expect me to bring lunch for you again starting tomorrow young lady." Tegan said smiling.

"she's serious." Jo said and Veronica actually fell for it. It's funny how Jo actually already got the hang of our jokes, and I love that about her. I also love how she's not that gullible anymore.

"you better eat some of the Kale or Tegan's gonna get really mad." I added,

"come on... don't mess with her head now." Ted said, getting one of the microwavables from Tegan.

Veronica just took what she got from Tegan and sighed as she open a microwavable full of greens.

"don't worry you can have some of the chicken too." I said, seeing that she's about to cry.

we all then just went ahead and ate lunch; the chicken was well marinated and the dressing was phenomenal, I just couldn't imagine Tegan preparing this well like a pro.

"where exactly do you buy your ingredients?" Jo asked.

"there's this Vegan food bazaar every weekend just a few minutes downtown, you and Sara should check it out. everything they sell there is friggin fresh and just tastes really good on a budget."

"like, everything is Vegan?" I asked.

"yeah, some even sell cosmetics and hair products too."

"Oh God, we really have to go there." Jo said to me as she put down her utensils in excitement.

"sure! tomorrow maybe?" I said. But I dread going to the market-- I HATE bazaars, it's just pure chaos.

"Great!" Jo said, proceeding then to eat her lunch.

everyone else was done eating and left the 3 of us there at the pantry as we took the time to get some tea before heading back. I was about to bring my tea with me to the studio and just leave Tegan and Jo but decided against it when Jo started talking to Tegan.

"So how did the intervention go?." Jo asked out of the blue.

"it was.. full of tears and fake smiles. really dreadful." Like Jo doesn't know that yet.

"what's the problem? I thought you guys sorted it out?"

"we did, but.. you don't expect her to get over it like that. I know you didn't, so.. what more can Lindsey?" Now THAT, is just beyond the line.

"excuse me?" Jo reacted quickly, sounding upset but smiling. "it's not like we were "together" together. I was kind of hoping for something more but you never gave me what I wanted so I kind of just gave up"

"well I'm sure Tegan prolly didn't mean it like that. right Tegan?" I said, kind of reminding them that I was actually there with them-- listening to every word they just said, as I cross my arms.

"Of course not." Tegan said, with guilty smile.

Then I just had to stand up from the lunch table "I'll go ahead."

I just left them and headed back to record. I can't believe how they're taking this as a joke-- I think it's plain disrespectful of them to talk about it right in front of me-- I know they may have already gotten over the fact that they used to screw each other, but just recently they were still head over heels with each other, and I can't help but feel jealous and suspicious of them, not to mention seeing Jo pry on her and Lindsey earlier. Just how the fuck is that any of her business?

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

That night we headed right home after we drove Tegan down to one of the restaurants in Echopark. This is officially one of the worst friday nights-- Jo's been pushing me to go out, but I just don't feel like it, and at the same time I still want to have some good time for my day off-- or maybe I could just sleep in, I don't know-- I just want this awful thing I'm feeling to go away.

We reached our apartment just in time for a series Jo's been following on cable, so I had an excuse to go the bedroom and relax on my own for a bit.

"I'll just take a shower" Jo said even before she could close the door behind her.

"aren't you gonna watch that show?" asking as I put

"nah.. I'm taking you out to dinner, Missy. " she said

"well, you don't have to take a shower, you look okay" I said, not knowing what else to say about that gesture.

"I feel quite icky from running around all day and carrying equipment-- I almost felt like I came from the gym. ugh" I chuckled; that was really sweet of her to decide to take me out, I know she's already tired but she still took the liberty to invite me out.

"fine.." I said. I smiled as she rushed to the bedroom from excitement, but as soon as she's out of sight I frowned and felt like she's only only doing this to make up for what she did earlier.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**JO**

 

"I had no idea this place actually exists til this afternoon." I said as we settle on our seats in Cliff's Edge.

"who told you about this place?" Sara asked. still looking a little bland. She's been like this whole day, I really wish taking her out tonight would change her mood.

"Veronica did. she said she used to wait tables here, during her days off school." I said browsing through the menu.

"did she mention how good the food was?" Sara asked as she pick the menu herself.

"she said it was phenomenal, I read reviews and it seems like everyone loves it." I felt like the interior and the ambiance makes up for the bad food, just in case it doesn't live up to our expectations-- still worth the trouble.

"I think I'm ready to order." Sara said, smiling through the pages of the menu.

We called on one of the waiters and had the wine as we waited for our food.

"so how do you like the place?" I asked Sara.

"it's really nice.. I just hope the food is just as good." she answered, looking around the room.

"yeah.. they better be.. hope it lifts up your mood or else I'm not paying." I said. Sara chuckled again and actually found the joke amusing.

"yeah.. been feeling down since this morning." Sara said, touching her wine glass, and just looking at it pensively.

"why, what's wrong?" I asked, moving a bit closer towards her.

Sara swallowed.

"you." she just spat it out. I just don't expect her to be that straight forward

"what about me?" I asked, still a little puzzled.

Sara jerked her shoulders. "I don't know.. I guess.. I guess I feel bad for seeing you snoop behind Tegan and Lindsey."

 _WHAT THE FUCK_ \-- she saw me. I felt as if my whole body just froze from my seat, I couldn't feel my palms, and I was just dead nervous.

"look, I know what I did was wrong, but to be honest, it was.. my intention to know what they were talking about... I'm sorry." I said, I knew I couldn't get myself off the hook for this one so I just had to apologize and be honest.

"why are you sorry?" Sara asked. her face was blank, and it makes it really hard for me to choose the right words to say.

"I was.. just curious, That if Lindsey did something to make Tegan cheat on her, I think I have to know, cause I was.. still somehow part of the affair. I couldn't.. just let the guilt eat me up." I said as Sara stare me down-- still with a blank face.

"well.. I think the opportunity presented itself to you in a perfect situation. but I still think it's their privacy.  you're not part of the relationship, you were just an accessory Jo. I know it hurts, but.. it's non of your business." Sara said.

_she's right._

"I hope you stop dwelling on that part of your past cause I'm right here, betting on my chances. I gave up the importance of what my loved ones would think about me for leaving Stacy behind just so I can move on with you because I know that the truth is that I'd rather be with you."

I could see her eyes glisten and that she was about to cry. I then quickly reached my arm out from the other part of the table to grab her hand.

"Sara, I want to be with you too. okay? Lindsey's my friend, just as much as Tegan is. I just can't go on with everything like nothing happened, at least at some point, I know that my conscience is clean and that I was not the reason why they broke up."

"I believe you.. I'm just.." Sara wiped her tears and looked around. "I'm scared okay?" she said, holding my hand tigher.

"what are you scared about? I was just trying to listen to them, that's all. there's nothing more to it, I just want to make sure I didn't do anything to cause any of this."

Sara chuckled. "do you honestly think Tegan would suddenly just.. leave Lindsey behind? they were together for 5 years, Jo"

I looked around myself, and tried to make sure no one from other tables were listening.

"they were planning to have a baby." Sara's face laxed.

"what?" she asked with a blank face.

"Lindsey didn't want the baby. I was guessing Tegan couldn't carry it, so she kind of... doubted Lindsey from then, I guess."

"are you fucking serious?" Sara asked, this time with so much disbelief in her expression.

"yeah.. that's what I heard."

"wow.." Sara sat back.  "you have no idea how much that would hurt Tegan." Sara said, it seems like that shed some light on her.

"I do.. christ, all she talked about back then was how she wanted a kid before she's 35, and now this? I really wouldn't wonder why it ended. all this time I thought Lindsey was ready to settle down, she does, but.. just not the way Tegan wanted."

Sara sighed and just pressed on my hand.

"I can't believe I'm quite thankful for what you did. that alone actually explains a lot." Sara said.

I just smiled at Sara as I took a sip of my wine-- in all fairness, I didn't expect she would come around that quickly-- I'm glad she did. I couldn't afford Sara to be mad at me for long; I value trust so much, and I don't know what I'd do if I lose her trust.

 


	28. Beauty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We come with beautiful secrets  
> We come with purposes written on our hearts, written on our souls  
> We come to every new morning  
> With possibilities only we can hold, that only we can hold

"I hate to break it to you, but we're entering last on the line." Veronica said. I can hear the loud talking from her line as I drive downtown to the bazaar that Tegan mentioned. I didn\'t want to go alone, but I was kind of guessing Tegan is going to sleep in today since it's a Saturday, so I asked Veronica to come to the venue early so we can shop before Sara wakes up for breakfast. Unfortunately everyone in Los Angeles had the same thing in mind.

I reached the compound and from a block away I can see the end of the line. I got my parking ticket from the lot and walked back to where Veronica was standing. She was last in line about 10 minutes ago, and now she's down about 20 people.

"thank heavens you're finally here." Veronica said as she grabbed me by the shoulder and pushed me in for a hug. "I've been fighting off line cutters for the past 10 minutes! this is really horrible."  I just gave her a smile and a tap on her back.

"there, there, momma's here." we just laughed it off as she4 let go of me, she was seriously about to cry.

We waited for another 5 minutes before the line started to move slowly; finally they're letting people in. "Bazaar started an hour ago, how come they're letting people in just now?" I asked.

"--that's because they were busy getting endorsers in safely." A woman behind me answered so close to my ear sending me to jerk in surprise.

I turned around, feeling a little bit furious toward that uncalled for invasion of my personal space, and I was about to get nasty on her, but to my relief, I saw Tegan, with her hood on, covering her face with her wayfarers.

"what the fuck?" I asked, softly hitting her arms as she try to conceal a laugh.

"you should have told me you were actually going, I got a free pass." she said, pulling me out of the line. "where's Sara?" she asked as she lead us to the other gate.

 "that's the thing, I knew she didn't really like bazaars, from the way she said 'sure' yesterday, I already sensed she'd rather stay at home." I said, pulling out my wallet to pay for a ticket.

"well, that's what tipped me off about you guys not going so I didn't really expect you to come. that's why you're with Veronica here?"

"yup.. I'm her bitch." Veronica said from behind as she text on her phone.

"do we have to pay still..?" I asked, opening my wallet.

"oh no, not necessary." Tegan then pulled her extra lanyards rolled on the passes she had. "here, put these on. If anyone asks, tell them you're with Rebecca Clark."

"who..?" I asked as I take the passes from Tegan.

"Rebecca Clark, she's a friend and one of the organizers." Tegan said as she walked in thru the gate and salute one of the Security people.

okay, now that's a new name.

"speaking of the devil." Tegan said as we approach a tall brunette, wearing a light blue boyfriend shirt and short shorts.

"Hi.." Tegan greeted the girl, and she was all smiles as she give Tegan a hug with one arm. She was really tall, like about '5'11 and Tegan looked like a teenage girl as she stand beside her.

"This is Jo, and Veronica.. girls this is Rebecca."

Rebecca gave me a very warm smile, she looked really welcoming as she give me a hand.

"hello.." I said, shaking her hand firmly. She immediately shifted to Veronica after shaking my hand, she looked rather sincere butfor some reason, her gesture is telling me she's being a little nervous. 

"So you put all this together?" I asked, breaking the ice as I roam my eyes around-- it was indeed a really successful event, considering the number of people lining up and how many sellers are on the site.

"yeah, it's pretty exciting isn't it?" she said.

"oh definitely, I can't wait to buy everything. you have no idea how much I've been dying to find a vegan bazaar like this, so Thank You."  I said.

"oh, you're flattering me too much, It was a joined effort, really. I'm just glad to help, cause I myself am an advocate too.."

"nice, so.. who would you recommend for starters?" I asked as the 4 of us walk along inside the event tent.

"oh, okay, let me give you my map here.." Rebecca scrambled through her bag and pulled out a brochure.

"here you go.. I marked my favorite stores so I won't get a hard time recommending them to people.. you can keep it." She said, handing it over to me.

"wow thank you! now if you'll excuse I have some serious shopping to do.."

"see you later, I'll hitch a ride back to echopark yeah?" Tegan said as she bid me and Veronica.

"sure, I'll call you when I'm done." I said.

Tegan then leaned over for a cheek, so I gave, while I dart a look towards Rebecca who sort of looked away

_hmm._

Something's up with this girl.

and without thinking, I shifted to Rebecca and reached out to her, she then leaned over and gave me a cheek too-- I don't know what's gotten into me, but I felt the need to give her a bit of ease.

"it was nice meeting you Rebecca, seriously.." I said. half truth to that, she seem really interesting, and I don't even know why.

"pleasure's mine." Rebecca said as I softly pull away from the cheek.

"see you all later!" I said, waving a hand before Veronica and I turned around and walk away.

"please tell me I wan't the only one who thought that was _really_ awkward." Veronica whispered as we get away from the 2.

"shut up, let's not talk about it here." I said, putting my glasses on as I read through the map.

I couldn't quite put my hands on it, but something's definitely not right with that little meeting, I haven't met her before, or maybe I have, and I just was too high to give a fuck-- or maybe Tegan just recently got introduced to her and now they're dating-- I don't know. She did tell Lindsey she wasn't seeing anyone serious now, but if Tegan is actually fucking around with this girl, then she wouldn't go around town in daylight with her. It's just so confusing.

 

\----------------

**Sara pov**

"wow, looks like someone's been to disneyland?" I said as Jo and Veronica enter the apartment, bringing all the eco-bags with what seems to be items they bought from the Vegan Bazaar Tegan was talking about

"yeah, and they literally bought an item at EVERY booth... _girls_ " Tegan added as she walk up to the door, I didn't really expect her to be with them that minute, but it's not impossible that she was gonna be there. 

"how was it shopping with these two? was it a nightmare?" I said as I close the door back after Tegan entered.

"oh lucky Tegan here, she was out and about with a date." Jo said, almost teasing Tegan-- apparently they weren't really shopping _together_

Tegan just scratched her head and shook it as Jo outted her while she was busy with Veronica sorting out the items.

"that wasn't a date, come on, give me a break." Tegan said as she walk out with me to the balcony. Jo just darted her a look and shook her head--she knows she was lying. 

"so who's the girl?" I asked as we sit on the wooden stools at the balcony.

Tegan sighed; you're not gonna believe it." she said, crossing her arms.

"spit it out." I said, crossing my arms too, this is getting a little intriguing, if Tegan is seriously dating someone I don't approve of, this is going to be really hard for me to get over with. 

"remember one of the girls I introduced to you back in New York? the

"uhm.. which one?" I asked as I recall how many girls she actually ' _introduced_ ' to me then. 

"don't be silly" Tegan tapped my my arm, "that tall girl we ran into on the way to the terminal when we were about to leave for Paris a few months ago- THAT girl." Tegan said, sounding rather excited. I ebt she really like this girl. 

"oooh. THAT girl. the producer? what's her name again? beatrice? brenda?" My mind isn't working yet-- I'm not usually this bad with names-- I think I need to get some coffee first. 

"it's Rebecca." Tegan said rolling her eyes on me.

"close enough" I said. "so what about her?"

"we're kind of.. 'going out'."

well, what's new? Tegan isn't the type to not go out after a really bad break up and I'm sure that everytime it happens, there will always be someone ready to catch her.. Then strangely, I felt bad for thinking about Jo everytime this happens.

"really now.. does Lindsey know?" I honestly wanted to know what Tegan will say if I told her that Jo snooped on them yesterday, I wanna see if that'll come as a surprise to her. 

"actually.. No." _I knew it_

"why didn't you tell her yet?" I asked. 

"Sara, you're really asking me that?" she asked, sounding a little dumbfounded. Normally, Tegan won't tell her exes that she's dating anyone until it's official, but if she's going out in public with this girl, obviously looking like they're dating, then there could be a problem. 

"I think it's better if she finds out through you." I said. trying to lower my voice down.

"she will.. but right now, I don't want her to worry." she said, bowing her head down as she reach for her phone. 

"that's really not the point, is it? Did you at least tell ehr you're dating around?" I asked again, knowing that I had an idea what they talked about yesterday, it's kind of unusual for Tegan to notice. 

"nah. what maters is that she's out of the hospital and we're not meddling on eachother's business."

"come on Tegan, it's not that.. what I'm trying to say is, give her the courtesy she needs-- I don't know what caused the 'falling out' but I think it's best if you communicate with her too." I said as she read through her message on her phone. 

"wow, says the one who literally abandoned her ex girlfriend when she found a new prospect." Tegan said as she keep reading on the message she got. 

"what? really? you're using that against me???" I just laughed it off-- I don't want to sound like an arrogant cunt or what, but I've been eyeing Jo for years now and she knows that-- besides, Stacy was the first one to abandon the ship. 

Tegan just laughed as she looked back at me, putting her phone back on her pocket. "Sorry, I can't help it.." Tegan then threw an arm over my shoulder as she pull me in closer-- "anyway there's nothing to worry about. Okay? no one else knows about us dating, and besides Rebecca knows everything, she's keeping an open mind and I love that about her"

"everything?" I asked. 

"everything.. that includes Jo." 

wow, now that must be awkward.

"and how did it go when she met Jo earlier?" I'm hoping it wasn't a complete disaster. 

"I hate to tell you this, but Jo handled it amazingly... I knew that from the moment I mentioned I was with someone that she knows I'm seeing this girl, it was in her face, and when she met Becca, it was.. instant connection. Becca was thrown off a bit, but it seems like they hit it off. If I knew better I think they're hitting on each other."

Honestly I wasn't surprised, Jo's very friendly and everyone loves her. "I know exactly what you mean."

"and you'll see exactly what I mean, cause I invited her over for brunch. if you don't mind." she added. 

"oh not at all. I want to see it with my own eyes." I said, crossing my arms and feeling up for the challenge.

"anyway she's here." Tegan said before we turn around.

"who's here?" Jo said, out of nowhere-- it made me turn around as well, in surprise

Tegan and I just looked at each other, raising my eyebrows to signal Tegan to tell he, but she was nudging on my hand. "Tegan's new... _friend?_ " I said. Tegan just nodded profusely as we both smile at Jo.

"oooohhh...." Jo said, as her face lit up-- she knew. "okay then. good thing cause the coffee's done brewing." 

Jo then turned back and returned to the living room, while Tegan and I let out a sigh. 

"was she there all this time?" I asked as we got down from the balcony. 

"I guess not.. anyway I'll go get becca downstairs." Tegan said as she pick up her jacket.I just nodded as I sit on the couch to wait for her and Rebecca. 


	29. I won't be left

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~Would you stay home and keep our memories warm with me~  
> ~Would you give all your love for a run at the past with me~

**JO**

"Where's Tegan going?" Veronica asked as we finish sorting out the items we bought. I looked out towards the living room from the kitchen while Sara was busy on her phone

"she's getting Rebecca from the lobby." I said as I look back at Veronica. I walked across the kitchen, and quickly turned off the coffee maker as Veronica curiously follow me around. 

"oh my God. I think they're really dating, there's just no way they're not going out. But it's kind of 'off'; right? I mean she said she just met her a few months ago.. " it's weird how she sounds more affected by this than me.

"yeah.. and is there anything wrong with that?" I asked her, rolling my eyes as my back face her. 

"nothing really.. but.. I don't know.. something's not right." Veronica said in a low tone.

A lot of things in this set up is wrong; I fucked tegan, I fucked Sara, I fucked Lindsey over, Tegan is starting to act strange again and now I'm screwing myself over something that doesn't even exist-- Tegan is history yet I'm affected by the littlest things and with Veronica hounding me with about how she finds it unusual for Tegan to date a stranger and bring her to a home I share with Sara, is just not helping. 

"yeah well.. let's get over it. That's typical Tegan for you, so.. drop it. The girls can sense gossipers a mile away so let's not talk about it. okay?" I said as calmly as I can while I continue pouring coffee on our mugs. 

"alright.. sorry.. I'm just quite intrigued. anyway.." Veronica approached me bringing a tray. "I'll get the coffee out for you.."

"Be careful." I said as I slowly put the cups on the tray for Veronica.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

**Sara**

I sat here in the living room, just waiting for Tegan and Becca to come up and while Veronica served the coffee, Jo sat beside me. 

"Hi.." Jo greeted as I pull her closer to me. 

"you should have joined us earlier, it was really fun.." she said as she rest her head on my shoulder. 

"I'm sure.. I'm just.. not really into stuff like that." Honestly I would do anything with her, but go on a bazaar in downtown LA with that many people. 

"Tegan went unnoticed, I'm sure you would've." Jo insisted as she pull her phone out.

I miss montreal... If there's a place I can settle down in, it would be there; I just can't imagine myself anywhere else. Los Angeles is a great place, and it's near almost everyone we work with, but Montreal is home to me. I'd be really happy to get old and have a family there.. with Jo maybe? I love the idea of that. Seeing her ease up to me like this just gives me the calm I need, it's unbelivable-- I'm still in disbelief to this day, that she's actually my girlfriend.

"I'm not into that 'hiding' "thing", I'm sorry.. it's.. just not my thing.. don't worry I'll join you next time.. I promise." I said, as she looked up at me, something she wouldn't do when she start focusing on her smart phone.

"alright.."

I gave her a kiss on the forehead, as she just took in my excuse without even asking; and as we cozy up on the couch, There was a knock on the door. 

"that's probably them." I said as I sit up. For some weird reson, I was feeling a little nervous and excited at the same time for Tegan-- maybe because she's finally off Jo's ass? I don't know.. 

"I'll get that.." Veronica said, walking out from the Kitchen. Jo and I just sat up straight as we both wait for Tegan and Becca to get in. 

"I can't wait for you to see Tegan's face when she's with this girl.." Jo said, trying to hide a grin-- I sure know what she's talking about, and I can't help but force to stop a chuckle myself. 

"Me neither.. I'm sure she'll dork the fuck out again." I said, as I pretend to keep busy when they walk in.

"here they come." Jo said frantically. 

"Hi!" I greeted as I see Becca enter the room with Tegan, Veronica slowly following them from behind after closing the door out. 

"Hi sara, oh my you grew your hair out!" Becca greeted as I come closer to give her a hug. 

Becca also went over Jo's way and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Tegan and I just shot a look at eachother-- _now that was weird_ I think I know what Tegan was talking about.

So we all sat down for brunch with Rebecca and everything seemed okay, she was a bit quiet though, but she and Tegan were talking in a very low voice while Jo and I talked about our plans for tonight; we were apparently invited by Julie and Harold for the magazine launch-- Tegan is coming too, but Rebecca can't make it. I honestly couldnt dread it even more-- I don't really want to see Julie. 

I know JO felt something off about her too, and I don't want to get into to anything more than a mutual business agreement with her, so I'm left with no other choice; the same time that they're actually featuring us on their very frst issue, it's a must that we come. 

\----------

"I have nothing to wear. ugh." Jo said as I drown in frustration as she browsed through the clothes she brought with her. I was just right behind her on the other side of the closet, trying to look at my clothes too. 

"we could both go in a suit, it's fine by me. I think we'd look cool." she said, sounding like she couldn't care less.

To be honest, I got us a stylist to come over a in a few minutes to fit the 3 of us, I just want it to be a surprise for Jo so as to not come off like we're too excited and dressed to kill, more than we really should be. I actually should be panicking cause the stylist hasnt texted or called me. 

"I agree.. but I would love to see you in a dress if you don't mind." I said, facing her this time as I give up on my little act.

"well.. that would be possible if only you told me about this gala night. I would have prepared." Jo said, still browsing.

"I'm really sorry.. It totally slipped my mind. I wasn't really interested in going to be honest.. but Tegan and I have to." I said. 

"well.. can't I just stay here for tonight?" Jo asked. She then sighed and just turned at me after giving up, herself. 

"I want you to come. I want you to be my date for tonight. Besides I told Julie I'll come only if I can bring a date." If only Jo would realize how much I went to just to be able to tag her along to this, she wou;dn't want to "just" stay at home.

"fine.. then.. but I need to go get a dress for this event." Jo said, crossing her arms as I smile at her in excitement. 

"actually.." I started, but as I was about to spill, the doorbell rang. "they're here." 

"who's here?" jo asked as I leave the walk in closet. I walked along as fast as I could to get to the stylists at the door. 

I opened the door, and indeed, the hair and make up people are here, with Tegan.

"I had to ask them to get me a ride from the bazaar, I'm sorry we're late." Tegan said as they enter my apartment. I just shook my head in second hand embarrassment for Tegan.

Jo was standing at the end of the hallway, her arms crossed and looking all confused from what was happening. 

"what's going on?" Jo asked as she slowly approached me. 

"you're having a debut as Sara's girlfriend, that's what's going on." Tegan said, trying to make fun of Jo; but she didn't look impressed. 

"shut the fuck up Tegan." I said. "take a seat and start getting made up." Tegan just smiled at Jo and headed over to her seat at the dining area as they get her prepared. 

"Don't listen to Tegan." I said as I carefully held Jo, loosening her crossed arms. "I hope you're not mad."

"I'm not.." Jo said, walking with me towards the stools beside Tegan. "I'm just surprised you guys tagged me along to this. Thank You." 

"you better get used to it." I said, as I led Jo to sit beside Tegan.

Tegan gave Jo qanother smile from the other wend of the table, as 2 assistants attended to them. 

"Where's Toyo?" I asked as I don't see our stylist around, while one of the hair dresser came up to me and gave me an ipad. 

"She's at the parking lot, assisting some men, setting up the rack." he said. "Damien. by the way"

"Nice to meet you damien" I said giving him a hand. 

"pleasure's mine..so.. what she wants you to do is choose among the clothes, and she'll bring them up." he said, opening the album for me. 

"okay then.. how many of these will I have to choose?" I asked, browsing through the gowns first, for Jo.

"alright then." I said. I then gave Jo the ipad; "go ahead and choose the gowns you like and then we'll have it fit." Jo just nodded as she take the ipad. 

\----------------------------------

After getting made and dressed up, we went ahead and waited for the valet at the drop off area. Jo was looking stunning in a sheer peach dress she picked, while Tegan and I are of course on in a matching suit. I couldn't help but stare at Jo from the moment they finished her make up, til that very minute we were standing outside.

It's undeniable that she's a really pretty girl, even if she's in her usual shirt, jeans and sneakers, her beauty really shows, but to see her looking this stunning, is still something new to me, and it makes me fall in love with her all over again.

"what are you staring at?" I jerked, not noticing that Jo noticed me checking her out. 

"keep your mouth closed miss, you're embarrassing." Tegan added. 

"I'm sorry.." I said, concealing a laugh. "I can't help it."

While Tegan and Jo shared a good laugh for my little unashamed admiration-- I took Jo's hand in mine. 

The laughing stopped to an awkward sigh from Tegan, and that same minute the, valet arrived. _thank goodness._

"Are you guys going to perform tonight?" Jo asked as we all settle in our seats in the car.

"Yeah, 2 acoustics. we never really practiced so I'm kind of nervous." I said as I jitter, remembering how I should not mess up tonight's little show.

"you've done that a million times, I'm sure you'll be fine." JO held my hand on top of my lap, giving me a smile. 

"I hope." I'm actually more nervous in her presence than I am worrying about singing in front of so many people; It's like the one thing I don't want to disappoint is her, and her alone. 

\---------------------------------------------------

We arrived at the hall just in time for press, and as we walk towards the red carpet, Jo suddenly took a stop. Tegan and I paused, upon noticing Jo wasn't walking with us; I took a step back and walked towards her, as she stood there behind us, looking all flustered. 

"what's wrong?" I asked as I get close to her. She was staring directly at the photo wall, looking so worried and as if she was about to faint.

"I don't think I can do this. do I really have to join you two?" Jo's voice was trembling. 

"You don't need to if you don't want to." Tegan said from behind. "If you odn't feel comfortable we can send you backstage for a little bit."

Jo looked rather convinced and satisfied by tegan's offer; but if I'm the one in charge, I would love Jo to be with me on the red carpet. 

"alright, I guess I'll.. see you at the back." Jo breathed, and was quite relaxed this time. 

"are you sure?" I tried asking her again, I _really_ wanted her to come with us.

Jo nodded, and gave an assuring smile; I smiled back, but at the back of my head I want to snap and hit Tegan in the face.

"well, what are you waiting for? go right along.. I'll see you at the back stage." Jo then untied the lanyard given to her at the reception and wore it. 

"that's really ruining your look." Tegan said, crossing her arms. I had to agree, it makes her look like a 'reporter' and I'm not a fan of it. I crossed my arms too, and pursed my lips in approval of Tegan. Jo sighed, and gave us "the look" as she remove the lanyard. 

"Fine." Jo then clipped the small id on her clutch, looking a bit annoyed. 

"girls, you're up in a minute." An usher approached them as we stand there in the middle of the crowd getting towards the red carpet.

"are you sure you're fine on your own?" I asked her one last time-- it just doesn't feel right leaving her like that.

Jo just nodded again like a wobble head, and that minute she waved a hand as Tegan pulled me towards the middle of the photo wall.

"Oh Sara. you are so in love, you don't even know it." Tegan said in a low tone. I darted her a look, just shook my head and smield at her. 

She's right. I might be falling in love with her and I don't even know how deep I've gone. It's scary to be honest-- to have her by my side, and the whole world to see her as mine-- I don't want her to think that I'm claiming her as my own, I'm just proud to have her as a girlfriend... And I hope she feels the same.

\----------------------------------

"you guys look so gorgeous out there!" Jo greeted me and Tegan as we arrive backstage, she was sitting at a high chair by the lounge. 

"were you watching us?" I asked as Tegan sit beside her, I just walked over her, slipping my hand on her behind, as I remind myself again that I'm dating this stunning beauty. 

"yeah I've been watching you guys from the monitor." Jo said pointing towards the flat screen above the wine cabinets. 

"but they could use some good sound system here, I could barely hear your interview." she added, as she lay her arm over my shoulder just level to her chest. I swear to God, my mind is just going somewhere else right this minute-- indeed I'd rather be away from this place and just make love to Jo at home; but I think I'd have to hold that thought for later. 

"can I get you anything ladies?" The bartender approached us, giving Jo a wink. Tegan definitely saw that and just gave me an awkward look, while JO just looked away like nothing happened. 

"Yeah, I'll have a shot of patron please." Tegan said. 

"make that double." Jo added.

I'd love to have some drinks myself, but all these naughty thoughts are making me feel funny inside, and I don't think I can hold my bladder any longer.

"what about you hun?" Jo asked me as I feel myself blush from keeping my pee in. 

"I'll have a glass of champaigne, any champaigne.. but I'll have to get back, I need to pee." I said. 

"okay.." jo said, leaning over me. 

I just gave Jo a quick peck on the lips, making sure the bar tender sees it. I can't believe I have to deal with men hitting on her in this place. I don't even know why I'm worried when Jo is clearly not into men. 

I walked out of the artist's lounge, and as I take a route over to the lobby, this woman in a black dress walked beside me.

"hey there gorgeous." I didn't have to look, by that husky voice, I knew it was Julie.

"hi Julie." I said, as blunt as possible, and with a breathy sigh. _God help me not lose my patience_

"you're looking so hot tonight... I can't help not to ignore you." she added. 

We reached the ladies' room with that one single cubicle, and as I enter, Julie also squeezed her way in. 

"Julie I need to pee." I said as I watch Julie lock the cubicle door behind her. 

She faced me, and instead of leaving she just stood there, with a crooked and her red villain lipstick on, and her arms crossed.

_that's it_

"fine. suit yourself, I'll just go use the portalets." I said as I make my way towards the door, but as I fight Julie's arms out of the way, she just pushed me towards the wall and embraced me. 

Honestly I need to start taking self defense lessons, or prolly go to the gym for some resistance; I can't even grope her so I can escape these kinds of situation. 

I was trying to pull Julie's arms off, but she wasn't teasing this time, she just laid her head on my shoulder and held me tighter; so I calmed myself down. 

"Look, I'm sorry if I never told you I was seeing someone else after Stacy and I took a break." I just blurted it out. 

"I missed you Sara." Julie said.

I just sighed.. I didn't know what to say. I don't miss her, and I don't want her near me like this, but I was caught up in this situation that I can't brush her off like that. I tried, as much as I can to be civil, to be much engaged as I can be when she's around... But she's too clingy. 

"and I'm sorry if I ran after you in New York." she added. I just shook my head. 

"Please don't talk about that night." I slowly pulled away and grabbed her arms as I stare her in the eye with so much frustration and regret "I'm sorry okay? It wasn't my plan to sleep with you. I was there for a hearing and I was so..."

"so what..?" she said, cutting me off. "so filled with anger and sadness that you decided to fuck me over? literally?" She said. Julie pulled her arms away and crossed it on me again. 

"you should have told me you were dating JO then, I could have just... stayed away... "

I know it was wrong-- I wasn't drunk when I did it. I was fully aware that I was sleeping with her that night in my hotel room last week; it was as if a demon came over me and told me to take revenge by fucking this woman that I don't even like. I don't know what's gotten into me that night-- all I know is that I regret every single minute of it. 

Julie was one persistent girl-- I was introduced to her a few months ago, and when she found out that Stacy and I were on a break, she kept on asking me out, kept on starting a conversation over the phone and just won't stop hounding me. Tegan told me to stay away, but I was feeling a little too adventurious so I went out on a date with her. Until I came across Jo's portfolio again, that it sparked the long dead interest I had for her for years now.

I stayed away from Julie, never really found the need to tell her I wasn't interested, or that I was seeing someone else.. I just don't think it was any of my responsibility because we were never exclusive. I thought everything was fine until she followed me in New York for my hearing. I gave her what she wanted from me, and left her that same night at her hotel room and never spoke to her since.

"would it make any difference? I mean obviously I wasn't responding to your 'non business related' messages, so I think you have enough common sense to know that I'm not interested in dating you." I said as my heart beat start to race in anger. 

"Then you should not have had sex with me that night Sara!" Julie said, her voice echoing all over the ladies' room. 

"I am so sorry. okay? I don't know what came to my head! I wasn't... I wasn't myself that night." I said. 

I feel like throwing up... I feel so stressed out about this and just so worried what Julie will do after this, or if JO finds out. I'll be so screwed.

"you're so full of bullshit. I hope that's enough excuse when your girlfriend finds out what you did." Julie then unlocked the knob and left. 

I was in so much relief that she finally decided to leave me alone, but as I walk over to the door to close it back, Julie just stopped midway. 

"well.. I really hope you know what to say to Jo now." I looked out from the door frame, and saw Jo right outside. 

_fuck._

Julie walked out, but Jo pulled her back. We were both just as surprised, as JO throw Julie towards me like that; I was actually waiting for her to shout at us, but instead, Jo's hand flew over my face for a slap. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

**Jo**

"and I thought you were different from Tegan." I felt dizzy, having to say those words to Sara. I never thought I'd ever say it. I didn't think, in this life time that she would cheat on me like she did. 

Sara didn't move, she just held her cheek and stood there, dumbfounded, her eyes staring directly towards the foor and her eyes glistening from tears. She deserves more than that.

"she's all yours." I told Julie; though she didn't look too happy about it, she just looked down, looking all embarrassed. "you 2 deserve each other." I said for the last time before walking out. 

I fought tears as I walk against the crowd towards the exit; as I sob my way don to the door, I bumped into someone who grabbed me by the arms.

"what's going on?" It was Tegan's voice. 

Upon realizing Tegan caught me from the crowd, I couldn't help myself, and I just cried my eyes out as she embrace me like a worried mother. 

"I can't stay here any longer." I said.

I felt Tegan sigh, as she calmly lead me towards the door while I try to wipe my face dry.

"alright, let's get out of here." she said. 

I couldn't get myself to look at her; I felt embarrassed myself for even thinking that Sara was a better person than her-- turns out, Tegan had the courtesy to be honest to me, and she didn't; and that doesn't make Sara any better. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------

"Jo, what's happening? Are you okay?" Tegan kept asking as we walk towards a dark part in the parking lot. I turned around as I stopped walking and faced Tegan, as close as possible. 

"Sara fucked Julie when She and I were already 'together'" I was in so much hurry cause they're playing in a couple of minutes, that I just blurted it out to her as soon as we were alone. 

Tegan didn't look surprised though-- and then that same moment, I realized she knew all along.

"what the fuck Tegan, don't tell me you knew about this!" I said, as I feel my stomach drop. I can't believe what's happening-- I feel like I made a complete fool of myself.

"Jo.. I'm sorry.. but I.. but I didn't know that this happened, Though I've been telling Sara to stay away from her, I've been warning her since day one, and besides it's non of my business" 

"well you made it your business when you made Sara promise not to hurt me, so there's where you failed." I want to punch Tegan, but at the same time I feel like diving onto a body of water and just drown in it. 

"again Jo, I don't meddle with what Sara does with her personal life. I can only do so much to protect you. I can't control her or the situation." Tegan said, trying to get me close. 

"I'm not asking you to take over. I just want you to give me the courtesy I so deserve and tell me that she's already cheating on me. Maybe a warning would have been nice but I heard nothing from you, Tegan.. not a single thing." I said, before turning my back on Tegan and walking away; not giving her a chance to redeem herself and her sister.

I can hear Tegan screaming at me as I cross the street from the parking lot-- but I ignored her. instead I rode the next bus at the stop, not knowing where exactly I'm heading-- I mean I couldn't care any less at this point and all I want to get as far away as I can from these people.


	30. Soil, Soil

sitting on my own, on a bus ride going to Santa Monica at 8 o'clock in the evening is not how I planned this night to end. I'm wearing this ridiculously pretty dress, my hair is up in a set, and my make up, despite crying from the moment I caught Julie and Sara inside the bathroom, still hasnt smudged a bit. As surprised as I am for the quality of make up the artist used to paint my face with, I have this familiar feeling of regret for even dreaming of a happy ending.

Not in a million years did I ever think she's capable of doing it; but I figured though, that during that time, we weren't exclusive; nor do we have a mutual agreement about our relationship, until that night she came back from New York. All I could do is cry, and punch the empty seat in front of me, while trying to look around and see if the other passengers are seeing what ridiculous act I'm performing inside this public vehicle.

I tried to calm myself down, but my head is aching from thinking of these things and trying to patch them up so all this will make sense to me. I could really use a happy pill right now, or anything to make me sleep and then just wake up whenever I want-- or maybe just not wake up at all; that would be the best idea.

\-----------------------------------------------------

We reached the Santa Monica terminal, and I wasted no minute when I got there. I immediately went on Uber to get me a drive to Santa Barbara; I'd rather come home, be in a familiar place and just lie on bed all day, trying to get my mind off things. While I waited at the terrminal, I turned my phone on, and received tons of messages and voicemails from Sara, but as the proud little arrogant in me took over, I deleted it all without knowing what they contain. 

_she's got nerves to bombard me like this?_

I wouldnt be surprised if I ever find out that iot was her fault Stacy stayed away and probably cheated on her too-- it's a vicious cycle and I don't even know now if anything we shared were even genuine. 

As I got a notification from the app, confirming that a driver will be picking me up, my phone rang.

_hey Jo what's up?_

But this time, it was Angie. 

"Hi Angie..

_"how did the gala go? are you having fun yet? I've been trying to call the girls but they're not picking up"_ oh yeah, I'm having fun alright. 

"I actually.. left the gala. I'm in Santa Monica right now. long story. Anyway, I just want to advice you that I might not be able to facilitate the coverage this week.. I just have to take care of some.. things.." I said as I try my hard not to cry again.

 _"alright, I'll just tell your people to carry on as usual.. but are you okay? Is there anything I can do?"_ Angie asked; at least someone is trying to sympathize without wanting me to dish out on the dirty details. 

"oh Angie, I really appreciate that offer, but I'm okay.. I guess I'll be fine.. I just need some time off.." I said. 

_"alright then.. but please don't hesitate to call me if you need my help.. okay?"_

"I will.. thank you again.."I said before we bid. 

All this trouble, over a cheating girlfriend; how did I not ever learn? I hope Angie doesn;t find out that my absence is all because of pride over fighting with the girls. It's very unprofessional of me, in my opinion, but if in case I get to my senses before the start of work on Monday, I'd probably be tough enough to face them. I hope. 

I spent the next 30 minutes, sitting in a corner in the benches at the terminal waiting for my driver, trying to dodge stares and whispers down my way, before the driver arrived and saved me from the shame. I look ridiculous in this dress; I want to just rip it off and just go naked and that might make feel better; instead of people trying to come up with a story why a sad girl in a prom dress is at a bus terminal all alone-- yeah her date stood her up; _whatever_.

\-----------------------------------------------------

When the driver notified me that they'll be here in 1 minute, I immediately stood up, and bumped my way through the crowd lining up for one of the buses. I walked towards the driveway again, and stood there waiting for a car with the driver's plate. As I put my phone out once again to check the driver's car model, a red car pulled over just right in front of me, almost hitting the gutter where I was standing. 

I walked back a little, trying to calm myself down from that near accident. 

Whatch the road ass hole!" I shouted as the windows slowly rolled down. 

"get in!" the driver said-- I tried looking through the window to see who it was, and when the driver opened the lights inside, I was in for another surprise. 

Harold. 

"What are you doing here?!" I asked, walking towards the edge of the gutter again. 

"I followed you obviously; hop in, I'll drive you home." he said, opening the door for me.

"uhm... I live in Santa Barbara." I said, hesitating. 

"I'll still drive you down. Let's go." he said persistently, gesturing towars to get in. "cars are piling up behind me."

I just sighed, left with no other choice but to get in and drive away with him. I got in and quickly closed the car door behind me before he drove off. 

"Where in Santa Barbara do you live?" he asked, keeping his eye on the road

"Goleta." I answered. "you know what I have an uber waiting for me back at the station I should probably go back." I said. 

"I said I'll drive you home, don't worry I haven't drinked anything for tonight yet." he said. leaving me with no choice but to cancel out with the driver. It's too embarassing that I decided not to get a refund. 

"I don't get this, whole thing really." I told Harold as he keep himself busy driving. "what are you doing following me around?" 

"you have no idea how much of a scene you caused. The twins were a mess, Julie was a mess, some people saw the slapping and the screaming, it was... a disaster." he answered. 

"Well I'm not sorry that your editor was such a slut, but that still doesnt answer my question. why are you doing this?" I asked him again. 

Harold shook his head; "I just think, that as a consolation for what my _'editor'_ did; which, by the way, I found out just tonight; I think it's the right thing to do, to make sure you get home safe. Julie's my good friend, but I didn't know she had it in her to ruin a relationship..." 

Well at least I wasn't the only one who doesn't know. 

"I'm sorry.." He said, sounding so sincere, I just want to hug him. 

"don't be.. it wasn't your fault." I said, crossing my arms, trying to keep myself calm. 

"yeah but if it wasnt for this project, Julie and Sara won't be around eachother so much.

he said. he sounded so serious, but something tells me he was probably just joking around-- unless Sara's been going out with Julie in secret even though we're together almost all the time.

I can't help but think though, what happened to the girls when I left-- did they get in a fight with eachother? Did they mess up their performance? did Julie walk out too? Did Sara and Julie ended up talking again? I wouldn't want tot ask Harold, I mean he could've left the event at the same time I did.

"can I turn the radio on?" I said, avoiding the conversation from taking the "julie and Sara" route again. 

"oh sure, go ahead." harold said, still busy driving. 

Without any hesitation, I turned it on, and cozied up on my seat. 

and just as I was about to feel a little uplifted since I finally have company, the first few notes of the song that came up, hit me like a speeding train. 

_'fuck'_ I thought as _I was a fool_ played. 

"Nevermind." I said, shutting the radio off. 

"yeah, that was a bad idea." Harold said right before we sunk into silence for the next 3 hours

\-----------------------------------------------------

"here we are." Harold said as we pull over my drive way. "you sure you're fine on you own?"

I sighed as I contemplate, and battle my head one more time to get back to Los Angeles with Sara, but as I take one more look from the driver through his rearview, I forced to push my hand up the door handle to open it.

"Yes.. Thank you again." I said as I open the door. 

"hey." Harold called on me again before I leave his car. "take care.. and don't worry, everything will be okay, alright? call me if you need anything." he said, with a sincere smile, but a look of worry is in his face. 

I smiled back at him as I wipe my face dry again-- something he saw me do the whole time we were driving down to Santa Barbara. "I hope so.. Thanks again.. drive safely.." I said. 

He just nodded, and then I left his car. I closed the door back and waved at him-- and as he sped up and left my driveway, my gut started to take another unpleasant turn. I wanted to throw up, not from any of the alcohol, but from all the stress my head couldn't even bear to keep. I spat on the gutter as I crumple my dress up to my knees to keep them from trampling me as I walk towards my door through the overgrown grass on my front lawn.

I got in and immediately locked the door back; The sight of my dark empty house was very haunting, and what I thought would give me comfort actually sent me to a deeper pit. I looked around and all I could see in my head is how alone I really was-- how much I have no real friends and that it was all my fault that they all stayed away from me. I threw my keys on the cabinet by the fireplace and unzipped my gown as I walk towards the stairs to get up to my room. As the gown fell to my feet, I just took a step up and left it there to lie on the staircase-- I couldn't even give a fuck that the dress was worth a fortune-- Thinking that the dress was bought by Sara, the more that I just couldn't wait to get off it. 

As I get inside my room, I threw myself on my bed, lying on my belly as I try to close my eyes and just get some sleep; but Sara and Julie's voice kept repeating in my head and I just couldn't get to calm myself down.

_That's it_

I pulled myself up, and from feeling all fed up from what happened this night, I pulled my bedside drawer open and saw all my pill bottles, lined up and organized like I left them. I read through the labels I made on each of the caps and just looked for my happy pills. I pulled it out and popped 2 at the same time. I took a bottled water from my personal fridge right under the drawer and just emptied it like I would a bottle of beer as I throw the pill bottle on the bed.

_I'd love a bottle of beer right this minute. or maybe a case._

I lied back on my bed, and took one last look on my phone-- there were missed calls, and a couple of messages again. I don't even know where to start-- there were voicemails from Sara, and almost all my missed calls were from her, a few from Veronica, and one from Tegan and another from Emy. I chuckled to myself, thinking how word got out that quickly. 

_I bet your sorry ass you didn't tell Emy why I even ran away from you._

I have a hunch that Tegan knew all about this from the start. That night we received a message about Sara leaving for New York, she mentioned something about Julie that Sara just shook off-- I swear to God I wanted to throw my phone away-- I just feel so mad, I felt cheated on, I feel like Sara took a turn for the worst and I thought she was different. I guess she's just as much of an asshole as her twin sister is-- or at least Tegan had the courtesy to not lie to me about her affairs. 

In annoyance I deleted all of Sara's voicemail once again, without even listening to them, moving on to Tegan's. I want to delete it too, but wanting to hear what she has to say about this is slowing my thumbs down; so with a deep sigh and a racing heart, I played her message. 

_"Jo I know you're mad, and I'm sorry if I didn't say anything."_

She paused-- and let out a deep sigh before she continued talking

To be completely honest to myself here, I want to believe Tegan; but blood wil always be thicker than water, that I know for sure, and it's possible she's been protecting Sara all this time. I'm only just a friend, who am I to them apart from that, really?

_"she deserves a chance, more than I do, Please don't let it go to waste. You're the best thing that ever happened to Sara; to both of us. I know nothing I say will ever make sense now, and I know you won't believe a liar like me, but please believe me when I say that I'm sorry... for everything."_

I promised to myself that I won't let anyone come at me like Tegan did, but Sara was the last person I thought would be capable of it, so it hit me hard; too hard that I think it just destroyed Tegan's reputation.

_"I couldn't talk for Sara, but you have to at least hear her out. I know what she did was wrong, and I'm really-really sorry for what happened. Please call me.. I promise I won't tell Sara, just... Please take care.. I need to know you're safe. Please call me back. Please."_

The message ended after that. Much as I've been trying to keep a straight head, I couldn't help but feel bad about myself. I want to forgive Sara and just come back like nothing happened, but I am so hurt that I don't think I can even stand hearing her name again. 

I stared blankly at my phone, not knowing what to do next after hearing Tegan's voicemail.I want to text her, I really do, but I don't want to fall for it again-- It can't happen again. 

Does Sara deserve another chance? Maybe. Everyone deserves a second chance I guess, but I sure won't forget what happened between her and Julie. 

Now that's a different story; there willl definitely be times that we have to talk to them about things for the pilot issue, the lay out, the photos and all. I just really hope we end up civil, like Lindsey and I did, but this time I'm at the other end of the rope.

I was slowly losing my head to anxiety again, and I just needed to be with someone right this minute, a friend, or even a stranger, just to keep me sane. I took another look on my phone to see if there's anyone I can call, and then I remembered Emy's voicemail; and quickly played it.

_"Tegan called me.. I'm sure you figured she asked me to convince you to go back, but I"m not gonna do that. Wherever you are, I hope you're safe.. please take care, alright? I'm sorry if I'm not around, I'm in New York right now, but I'll fly in if you need me to, just tell me. okay? "_

The pills sort of didnt do me any good. I wasn't numb yet, and that voicemail from Emy left me feeling more incapable of dealing with my own issues. I may have been through so much to keep my head above water, but it feels like depression is knocking on my door again...

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**SARA**

It's been 6 hours.. Jo hasn't called, nor responded to any of our texts or voicemails, and I completely understand why. I am in so much regret right this very minute, and I just wanted to go back in time and fix whatever mess I started. 

But I have to live with it, and own up to those mistakes. 

"any luck?" I asked Tegan as she keep dialing Jo for me. 

Tegan just shook her head, as she put the phone down on the coffee table on her livingroom.

She just sat there in silnce, resting her curled up fists on her thigs, staring blankly on the phone as if waiting for it to light up. I just stood there in front of her, my arms crossed also waiting for sort of a miracle for Jo to finally respond to us. 

Tegan then took a deep sigh, breaking the silence we were both keeping since the scene at the hall tonight. 

"what the fuck were you thinking?" Tegan asked, as she still stare blankly on the phone. 

"Of all people you choose to cheat on, you choose Jo, just when I thought you'd take better care of her." Tegan added. 

I know she couldn't do any better job than me, but I know how disappointed she is; the things she wasn't able to do for Jo, she was trusting me to commit to. She trusts me to be faithful to JO when that was the last thing she she couldn't give her.

"You not only broke Jo's heart, you broke mine." Tegan said, looking up at me, her eyes glistening from tears.

This sight was enough to break me too; I've never seen her this vulnerable and I'm sure this was something she was really felt hurt with. 

"I am so sorry." I said, as I try not to break my voice. 

"I was feeling so mad at the world, for having to lose Stacy like that. it's not everyday you send your ex girlfriend to jail for using your apartment as a crack house." I didn't want to justify what I did, but I was just being honest with her. 

"Yeah but what did Jo ever do to you?" she asked me, still sounding a little detached. 

I just shook my head in embarrassment. 

"not to mention you had to drag an innocent person into it, who just simply admired you; I told you a million times already to be straight forward with Julie and just tell her out. But you still flirted your way under her pants." 

I swallowed and just bowed down, thinking of many other excuses I can come up with, to defend myself from this roast, but no matter what angle you look at it, there's just no right reason to this. 

I was wrong, and that's just really there is to it. 

Tegan then stood, as she pick her phone back up, and walked towards me, her emotionless, tear filled eyes fixed on me, as if she was lifeless.

"If you don't fix this mess, I swear to God, you can forget you ever had me-- and trust me when I say that I will take what's mine if you can't live up to your promise of taking care of her." 

I looked up at her, in surprise that this was the first time she had chosen someone over me; over family, of all things. 

"are you being serious right now?" I asked her, trying to keep it in-- she's my sister and she's supposed to understand me somehow, not blowing me up with her threats. 

"what does it seem to you?" Tegan asked. 

"you do realize you sound like you're choosing Jo's side over mine, right?" I asked back. 

I am not in the mood to fight with Tegan right now, and this is the last thing I wanted to do after all the shenanigans tonight. 

"Yes and I'm choosing her side, because you were wrong, Sara, you can't trust me to always defend you even if you're already hurting the people _WE LOVE._ " Tegan said, this time she was raging--the anger in her voice is so apparent that I have felt the hair at the back of my neck raise in a little fear of being hurt by her, seeing that her hands are still curled up in a fist.

"yeah? like doing that will make you a little less guilty that you fucked her up too; you never deserved her.." I said.

Tegan flinched, laxing her tensed facial expression to that honest attest, and with a quick movement, Tegan slapped me; and as much as I was expecting it, it still caught me by surprise.

"just stop, for a little bit." I said as I turn my head back to her-- not wanting for even a second to slap her self righteousness away. 

"stop thinking that you can still save her from herself, stop thinking that you can prevent her from getting hurt-- becuase you could have done that when you had your chance. We both had our chance but we blew it. so stop thinking that this is MY fault. I was wrong for sleeping with Julie, but that time, Jo wasn't so sure about me either becuase she's still holding on to YOU!" 

Tegan moved away from me, taking a step back till she fell back on the couch.

"The glances you two were sharing, the whispers when I'm around, they way you look at her, the way SHE looks ate you? Tegan, I... If I was just really that stupid I would think she just took me in because I'm the closest thing to her idea of you." 

I just sighed, as I feel a heavy weight against my chest from trying to keep myself from crying. 

"I'm sorry if I made you take her side, I'm sorry that I hurt the one person you love more than anything else-- but I'm also hurt, Tegan. Unconciously you two have made me feel like I wasn't enough for Jo.. that after all this time, she will always have you anyways, and she couldn't care less if she loses me." 

I think I just said too much. All I wanted was for Tegan to realize that what I did, I did out of anger and that at that moment, and I wasn't too sure of what Jo is feeling for me-- Julie was the only person I have at that time, and I feel bad for using her like that. 

Just from feeling exhausted of all this, I sat down beside Tegan on the couch. 

"So instead, you fuck a girl you used to date while you're with someone else? of all the people you can take revenge on, you do it to Jo? " she said while I stared blankly on the wall and just tried hard to stop my sobs. 

"I guess.. I'm only human, Tegan. I make mistakes. WE make mistakes, but that doesn't mean I love her less. I want her, and I admire her too much, that it hurts me more than I disappoint you." I said, looking up at her-- she just shook her head and rolled her eyes away from me as she snap her wrist-- that slap was too strong for her wrist eh? well my cheeks still stings to this second and I'm not even complaining. 

"Oh God, today is so fucked up. I don't even want to talk about it anymore." Tegan stood, looking all too tired too-- and just left me there in her living room as she entered her bedroom and slammed the door back on me. 

"I'm sorry." I said as loud as I could while I try to sound sincere, to make sure she hears it from the other side of the wall. 

There was no response from her; so I guess I'll just leave her alone and let her be. 

I don't know how else I'll fix this mess; I just lost the trust of two of the most important people in my life, and I couldn't regret enough, hurting them like this. 

Not to mention, since Jo now found out that Tegan knows about my past with Julie and didn't say anything to her, she might also be mad at Tegan. I am much more concerned of Jo's well being at this point than my own, and I just hope she won't hurt herself again-- I can never forgive myself if she ever goes back to that dark place. 


	31. Wake up Exhausted

**Sara**

With a pounding headache from drinking every night for the past 5 nights, I pulled my phone out to shut it up from an alarm to force myself to get up to prepare for another day of recording. I carried myself up, away from this king bed that sucked me in last night, while I threw a hopeful glance to my right; the side of the bed that I have never wished so hard to no longer be empty. 

Never in my life have I ever felt this much regret, to the point that I wished I would never wake up and just succumb to my end without feeling any pain-- but this torture I'm experiencing right now is nothing close to what I really deserve.

Never in my life have I woken up with this much anger to the world-- how the events transpired to bring me to this moment right now. Feeling more alone than I ever was, not only in my bed; _our_ bed; but as if all that gave meaning to my sacrifices, my artistry, and to the good things I've done, is now gone. 

Much as I was the independent woman everyone sought to believe, I have never hoped to feel another body next to me. Even I for some reason, can no longer believe the lie that I am who I am, even without another woman in my arms.

I terribly miss Jo, and every morning that I wake up without her by my side has constantly reminded me that no amount of alcohol will ever make me forget that.

With a heavy heart, I took a step out of the bed, and walked over to the bathroom while I try to keep myself from losing balance. I wanted to go back to bed, and just sleep my feelings away, but even when I'm in the comfort of my slumber, I still dream of her. I can still smell her from our sheets, I can still feel her static when my arm brushes through that empty cold side of the bed.

I headed to the bathroom, and the scent of Jo's favoite incense greeted me like an old friend. I locked the door behind me, keeping the scent in as I light up a stick beside the bathtub-- where JO and I first shared our bodies. 

A warm shower would help me ease the tense on my back, numbing my body. So numb that I can't even feel the tears falling along the water flowing down from my head, as the scenes of the past month played back-- Jo's lips on mine, as she mumble her admiration for me, while my flesh bur in love for the magic of her hands. 

But as I open my eyes, reality comes crashing down on me again

I twisted the knob to turn the shower off-- how I wish my feelings can be turned off easily in one flick of my wrist. 

I stepped out of the shower, I killed the burning incense and threw myself in a pair of fresh robes, hoping that the cold sheet would somehow make me feel comforted after I almost melted from that too warm of a shower.

Every corner of this apartment reminded me of Jo; and how she made it the place closest thing I can call a home.

But breakfast has become a thing of the past.

The smell of freshly brewed coffee no longer gives me the anticipation, neither does it give me the kick I needed, instead it gives me this unwanted anxiety, and bad palpitations.

the waffles and the berries are no longer a taste I long for.

The sound of heels on the wooden floor of our living room-- I hated it. But I have never wished hard enough to hear it again.

I hate the morning news; but for some reason, I would get up and listen to it eagerly, only to feel like Jo was here to listen to it while she prepares her equipment.

I would excitedly wake up, so I can see what Jo wil be wearing and hope that I have enough clothes to match her outift.

I would make sure I get up exactly as she finish her shower so I can watch how cute she is when she brushes her teeth

I love how her perfume fills our closet, that even my clothes would smell like her, making me feel like I wear her and I'm with her all the time.

But, Suddenly I... feel like I don't know how to live.

Life doesn't stop for someone, they all say. But they never mentioned it will be this hard if you deserve to be alone when you choose to hurt someone you love.

It's only been 5 days.

Yet it feels like a decade to me.

I pulled myself up from the couch-- not even remembering how I ended up there-- and headed for the keys. The keys that no longer bear Jo's finger print.

I locked the door behind me and walked over to the elevator; my day hasn't even started, yet I just want to go back to our apartment and go back to sleep.

\--------------------

This whole city, I hated how I would sweat to the littlest grind; but I'd rather be here under the scorching LA sun, than in the middle of New York's gloom, knowing that Jo is more than 4,000 miles away from me. 

"good morning." Tegan greeted me as she hopped out of her Uber while I waited outside the studio for someone to get me the door. 

"what are you doing out here?" she asked, as she pulled out her access card-- apparently I forgot how to use mine all of a sudden.

"I just arrived." I excused myself as my sister opened the door for me. 

"hope you're not hung over.. Again." she said, closing back the door for us. 

I just shook my head, in embarrassment; How I detested her when she comes in to the studio after a night of drinking, barfing and spending her hours off the booth lying on the lounge room floor, groaning and chugging a liter of gatorade.

That's not how I deal with a hang over. I deal with it by losing my head and forgetting to function like I normally would-- and Tegan won't even notice. Or she would, she just wasnt sure if I was even hung over or just really out of sleep.

"rough night?" she continued to ask.

"every night." I answered. Much as I want to pour my heart out to her, I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop. 

She's someone I have no problem disappointing, so many times, but she's also that one person who still has my back no matter what I do.

"You know Jo talked to Angie and said she's doing fine, right?" Tegan said as we got in our lounge.

"I know... and I would love to not talk about her for the mean time if that's okay." I lied. 

I can spend my whole life talking about her and it won't be enough to tell everything I love about her. I can go on forever and I won't get tired. 

But much to my dismay, hearing her name or even remembering her face feels like stabbing my own chest with a knife. 

"alright.. sorry." Tegan sat on the couch and grabbed her guitar to practice a song we will be recording today; while I throw myself on the lazy boy and put my book out. 

I'm honestly not getting anywhere on this book. I would normally lose myself when I start a book, but no matter how hard I try to get myself in the zone, I just end up with a blank mind; staring at the same page until I remember to flip it. 

"you do realize you've been reading that same book for 5 days now and you havent even been half way through it, right? you should have moved on to your next book by now on a regular day." Tegan said. 

I resisted the urge to look up at her. I don't want to seem as if I'm losing my touch in this game of pretend. 

"why do you even care?" I asked, just flipping on the pages, feeling like I'm scrambling through a drawer not knowing what I was looking for in the first place.

"will you put that down?" Tegan said, snatching the book away from me. 

"what the fuck Tegan? I'm reading that book!" I said, pushing myself up from my comfortable rest.

"I'm sure.. but tell me though, since when did you start reading a book upside down?" she said, as she struggle to block herself from my fists, as she grab on to my arm. I guess that was the last straw for her; not standing seeing me all out of my head since that night at the Gala. 

"can you please just give me a break? Just this last saturday you were so eager to disown me, and now here you are, mad at me for being "not myself"?!" I said-- actually was shouting at Tegan like a spoiled little brat while I still keep hitting her in the arm. 

"yeah well here's news for you, I'm still your sister and I still care for you. now get your act together." she said calmly, pushing me back on my seat.

I feel so weak; even with little effor tof pushing me away, Tegan managed to send me flying back to my seat in no time. I wasn't hurt-- well, my pride is-- but I feel like crying my eyes out again. 

"all this is your fault so live up to it like the brave cheater you are.. at least do yourself that favor." The pain was apparent on her voice, but as she threw the book on the floor just right in front of my feet, she walked away.

"Tegan wait.." I said as I pulled my body to stand. 

"what?" she asked, pausing on her way to the door.

I didn't know what to say... Words are no longer enough to tell everyone how sorry I was, how much I regret every single thing I did that night, how deeply hurt I was by my own actions, and that I'm ready to face the consequences. 

So I ran to Tegan, and brushing all my shame and shyness aside, I threw myself at her, and embraced my sister, like I would when we were younger.

I wasn't expecting Tegan to hug me back, but as I was about to let go and leave the lounge, my sister embraced me back. Her grip so tight that I can't even breathe to sob from my crying. I felt her breathing getting heavy too, and while we share this rare moment, I heard her sob. 

"I'm sorry Sara." she said, as she struggle to speak in her tears. 

\-----------

Recording went on as usual, the mood lighter this time, now that both Tegan and I have finally released our tensions and talked it out. 

I was really having a hard time getting my head straight but at the least, I was doing what I was supposed to accomplish for the day. 

Maybe drowning myself with work and my art would help me ease the pain for the day, and tire myself till I'm exhausted enough to sleep without keeping myself up with thoughts of Jo.

Veronica was there today, carrying on JO's work for her while she's away on a break. It kept me distracted though, imagining that it was Jo behind the monitors, watching me sing and play my instruments as she record footage for our new dvd. I just really wish she'd come back; things may not be the same anymore, but I'd rather have her near me and know she's doing okay, rather than worrying every single day, wondering what she's been up to or if she's safe. 

After I finished my part on the songs, I chose to pick up the book I was supposedly reading, and actually start to read it. I sat back on the lounge, and started cleaning up the book; there were pages that tore up to the middle, and some pages folded from when it hit the floor, and it felt as if I'm picking myself up from all this mess.

I was browsing through the prologue, slowly getting in the zone again after finding a slight peace of mind enough to keep me focused, when I heard footsteps, running towards the lounge. I turned to look into the glass door, and I saw Veronica running towards the room. 

"Jo's here!" 

And upon hearing that, I suddenly felt all my nerves numbing, dropping the book back on the floor from when I picked it up as I stand up and come rushing out the lounge. 

\--------------------

"This better not be a dream." Tegan said as we walk towards the lobby to greet Jo and her companion who apparently drove her down to the studio. 

"well I'd rather this be a nightmare." I said, dreading how this would all end up. 

"you may not be ready to face your demons this time, but trust me.. it's best if you don't waste any time cause she's gonna get on a rebound soon." Tegan added as she pause and open the access door for me. 

"what do you mean?" I asked as we exit the studio. 

"that's what I mean." 

As the door closed back on us, I caught myself staring at a familiar car in the driveway. 

"is that..."

"Harold." Tegan said. "how the hell they ended up together this week, I have no idea."

Tegan and I stood there, arms crossed, waiting for someone to get off the car, while a million things run inside my head. 

"they can't be dating already can they?" I asked, as Tegan stare at the car as furiously as I did. 

"knowing JO, she can be a little too quick to follow up when she really wants to move on."

Of course I wanted her to move on, but not _this_ quick; and with Harold? that's just a good way to take revenge on both me and Julie, but honestly, Jo is capable of hooking up with anyone she wants without any courtesy. I just wish she'd talk to me first, or at least give me another chance. 

As the car doors open, Tegan and I eased up in unison. I kept a straight face, and talked to myself in my head to keep it cool and not lose it and bawl my eyes out in front of everyone.

As soon as JO got off the car, I felt myself almost fainting to the sight of her. She was still as beautiful as I last remebered, her hair seemed shorter; probably got a haircut, her nails were done, and she looked rather tan. There was an apparent glow in her today, but as soon as she laid eyes on me, all those good energy started to fade-- her eyes showed how sad and broken she was, and I can't help but break a tear upon realizing that I caused this. 

All those times that she spent with us, she gave her all to the job. she didn't have time to get her hair done like she normally would, she didn't get a chance to surf the waves she loved so much, nor did she even get a chance to pamper herself. It was only now that it sunk in how much of herself she gave up just to deliver to our expectations. 

"jo.." were all I could say as she approach us.

"why do you look so surprised? didn't think I'll still be alive?" she answered, with that familiar smug. 

"No, I'm just.. glad you're back.." I said, wiping my tears as I keep a stern expression.

"well, I'm not." Jo said. She then just walks away without even looking back; she didn't even say hi to Tegan, and as she enter the recording house, I walked towards the driveway to greet Harold. I would have ran after JO to embrace and tell her how much I missed her, but I can at least first show Harold some respect and gratitude for his efforts. 

"do you think I should go after Jo?" I asked Tegan. 

"just let her be, for now let's just finish our duties and you two can kiss and make up later when you get home." Tegan said

She's right. We have all night to reason out and fight, _Thank God_. Oh wait, I fucked up; God, I don't even know if she'll come home with me tonight. 

Hi guys.." Harold greeted. 

"Thanks for.. dropping her off." I said, trying to seem unsurprised; but in reality, them being together like this just does not make any sense. 

"no worries.. I was.. just a little concerned about her uhm.. but she's doing fine I guess." He said. He seemed awkward having to talk to me after what happened at the gala. "we haven't really talked about that _incident_

"By the way, I just want to tell you personally.. that what happened at the gala, we can all put that behind us. Although I had to let Julie go." 

Let her go?

"you fired Julie?" Tegan asked him in surprise.

Harold sighed, and shook his head. "she resigned. and I couldn't say no cause the board's just not too happy about the incident. we're not blaming any of you guys, don't worry---" 

"that's unfair." I said cutting him off. "It was my fault Harold, Julie shouldn't be getting any of the blow." 

"I.. I don't know what really happened here. I don't know who to believe, to be honest, but what I do know is she shouldn't have been running after you, across the country just to beg for attention like that.. it's... pathetic." Harold sounded very disappointed of Julie-- I can't blame him, but I think he's just being too harsh.

"Sara she resigned. it was her choice." Tegan second, holding my back and rubbing it to calm me down. 

"I think Julie should be last of your concerns for now... If there's anyone here who needs comforting and attention, it's Jo." Harold said. "anyway, I have to go.. I'll see you two soon at the public launch."

"Alright.. we'll see you.. thanks again." Tegan said. Harold just smiled back and waved goodbye before getting on his car again. 

"Come on.. let's get inside." Tegan said, carefully pulling me aside. 

Why do I feel so mad at Harold for firing Julie? wasn't the humiliation at the gala enough? or was it the worst that could have happened to her career? I felt bad for having to screw her, and over, but I haven't felt this worse. Just when I thought I have slowly picked up a piece of myself back, I fell under the ditch again, thin king that all this chaos is my fault and I should be the one taking in all the blame and the consequences, but no. People are still empathetic and are still trying to protect me when they shouldn't.

I am such a coward... 


	32. 100x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I havent updated in a while, but here's chapter 32. Hope you enjoy this little filler.

**JO**  
  
I want to embrace her.  
  
I want to, right that very minute I got off the car; but everytime I see her, I get reminded of what she did and how I still can't accept that she's just like her sister.  
  
I walked away, not because I want to hurt her; I walked away because I'm scared I might make her feel as if nothing happened, that she can get away with it that easily-- as if all she did was erased by my longing to hold her in my arms again.  
  
I can't be that weak in front of her, of both of them.  
  
Much as I haven't really learned my lesson, and while I'm still the same naive woman they both know, I have to be strong for myself, that I can't be pushed around anymore and be blinded by my feelings.  
  
I spent my life doubting myself over the slightest mistake, but one thing that I never had to question was how faithful I was to Sara. I have so much love to give, and a lot more to offer that one person I truly love; the things I risked for her-- our friendship, our reputation and my own self doubt, I put all that aside, because I know she was worth it-- they were put to waste; or at least I thought so, I can never tell what's happening in her head right now.  
  
At the beginning of all this, I thought that the one person I will be with at the end of the day was Tegan. But young age comes with infatuation and fantasies of a happy ending, which in the decade I live in now, is no longer a 'thing'. People just don't stay together anymore, but Sara gave me hope. She sparked that fire that was long dead; that desire to be with someone you love, who can be the worst person in the planet, but you still get captivated by their eyes, that drowns you in a universe that you never thought you'd belong to. I kept my mind at ease the whole time we travelled back to LA, but as soon as Sara was there up front, all that strength was just, gone.  
  
And now I'm spending my first 5 minutes here at the studio inside the ladies' room, hiding from everyone as I cry my eyes out.  
  
"I wasn't ready for this." I told emy on the other line as I sit on top of the toilet seat cover.  
  
"I should've just sent them my resignation letter and not come back" I said, trying to say the words as I conceal my sobs.  
  
"come on. you have to finish the dvd and the book; you would have to face her one of these days anyway, why prolong the agony?"  
  
"emy I..I don't know what to do." I covered my face with my hand, as I try to find any snese in coming back here when I was planning to resign in the first place.  
  
"yes you do. we talked about this. get your act together, give them your notice, finish what you started, endorse your projects to the replacement and leave. That's what you want right?"  
  
"yes.." I said half-heartedly. I really didn't want to leave, but for my own sake, I had to.  
  
"good. now get out of that bathroom and do your job. I have to tell you though, I'm still mad at you for not finishing the 2 year contract. you were my best bet."  
  
"I'm sorry Emy, but I think it's gonna drive me crazy if I spend the whole cycle with Sara." I couldn't stop myself from crying, and all this rish of emotion just makes me want to run out of this place again and go back home. really wished I could've stay away for a little longer—but with a lot of deadlines coming, I cannot afford to lose a stable job I've been dying to have for the longest time.  
  
I picked myself up from the toilet seat and wiped my tears dry, and as I unlock the cubicle, I heard a flush from the other stall.  I quickly walked out but the person caught up with me— "hey Jo!"  It was Veronica.  
  
 "Hi.." I greeted her back with a smile as I turn to her.  
  
 "I'd run to hug you but let me wash my hands first." She said.  
  
I kind of missed this dork, and to be honest she's been the only genuine person I had around during this project.  
  
 "so.." I leaned against the lavatory counter as I watch her clean her hands. "you heard everything?"  
  
 "duh." Veronica smiled as she rinse the soap off her.  I just let out a sigh—not knowing what to say after having her hear or see me this vulnerable.  "I don’t know if I can say anything to make you feel better.." Veronica said, wiping her hands dry, and then walked up to me and give me a hug.  "I'm so happy you're back.." She said, hugging me tightly like she missed me so much.  
  
 "Well I can't say I'm completely stoked to be here, but I missed you." I said.  
  
 "well, you should. I haven't heard from you since you left." She said as she let go.  
  
 "I'm sorry.. I just had to.. Get my mind off things that remind me of Sara."  Veronica noded, giving me that assurance that she understood my absence.  "anyway, let's get to work. We have a lot of catching up to do." I said as I pulled her hand to leave the bathroom.  
  
\----------------  
  
Veronica and I spent the day finishing where I left off, and completing some shots for the dvd. While I left a lot of work to Veronica, she surprisingly finished everything just in time for my arrival, so we didn't really have a lot of adjustments to do. The Merch designs however are all still pending for final edits, so I unfortunately have to talk to the girls about it personally—I'd have to leave that on a parking lot.  
  
In the middle of recording a vocal rehearsal for Tegan, my phone vibrated-- One of the producers shot me a look as they hear the riveting of my keys in my pocket. "sorry" I whispered as I picked my phone up and checked the notification, as quickly as I could; only to find out it was a text message from Sara.  
  
"I've missed you."  
  
was all it said, but it said enough.  
  
I looked around, but didn't see Sara anywhere on the studio that time; usually she would always be around even if we're shooting Tegan, so I figured she was trying to avaoid me after all.  
  
I shook my head, trying to get her off my mind for a little, so I then hurriedly turned the vibrate off and shoved my phone back in my pocket and just ignored it-- I couldn't be distracted when all I'm currently trying to accomplish now is this project-- and I couldn't wait for all this to be over so we can all move past this circus of emotions that's not even worth all the trouble.  
  
  
\----------  
  
It is lunch time, and everyone left the studio to eat out; probably including tegan and Sara as I didn't notice them anywhere as the clock stroke 12. I packed a small bag with me, and left for that Mexican restaurant a few blocks away where the boys and I used to eat.  
  
As soon as I got off my uber, I made sure to look around to not come across anyone from the studio; I've been dreading to talk to anyone for a confrontation-- I feel like I'm gonna snap if anyone does. And so to my excitement, I just hurriedly walked in, starting to think of what I was going to order.  
  
I approached an empty diner table and as I sat on a spot on the couch beside the window, someone from behind me, slid into the seat in front of me.  
  
"Mind if I join you?" Tegan asked, with that cocky smile of hers as she settle herself in.  
  
I just glared at her as I started to lose my appetite and just rolled my eyes towards an approaching waitress.  
  
"I'll have a sample platter.. number 3." I said, raising a hand to stop her from bothering to hand over a menu.  
  
"make that 2." Tegan said.  
  
"..oh and a glass of margarita." I added, staring back at Tegan, who almost lost her smug after I made the request.  
  
"will that be all ladies?" the waitress asked.  
  
"yes." Tegan and I said in unison as we both stared at each other, not even giving the waitress a glance as she awkwardly, slowly walked away.  
  
"seriously? drinking at 12 noon high on a work day?" Tegan asked, still with that smug attitude I hate so much.  
  
"What do you want..?" I asked, crossing my arms.  
  
"Can I not join you for lunch anymore..?" she said.  
  
I didn't answer-- I just raised an eyebrow, and didn't take my stare off her and decided to keep my silence until she says something that would satisfy me.  
  
"Fine. I'm here to talk about Sara, are you happy now?" She said-- I honestly wanted to laugh at her-- she's too predictable and can't even keep her cool. Typical Tegan.  
  
"what about her?" I asked, still stern.  
  
"you can't ignore her forever, you know." Tegan said, Leaning her arms down on the table, and looking down at her hands as she play with the seams of her sleeves.  
  
The sight of her doing that mannerism reminds me so much of Sara, and I hate that no matter how different they are, some things just happen to remind me that they are practically one person.  
  
"I know. but can I at least wait til the day is over?"  
  
"really? you've been gone a week, isn't that enough?" Tegan crossed her arms this time.  
  
"What are you now a mediator? jeez." I shook my head as I break the stare.  
  
"no. But she's my sister and you're my friend" Tegan said, with that unnecessary air quote. "I think you should just... maybe not burden yourselves out of this issue."  
  
"Tegan, your "sister" practically cheated on me. can you at least give me the courtesy to somehow "mourn" my mishap? when you were in her position a few years back did you see her hound me like this just so I would talk to you after you left me for dead?" I said as my palms pushed itself on the stationary table.  
  
Tegan's face fell expressionless; while I too was taken aback with what I just said-- "I'm sorry.. I should... I shouldn't have said that."  
  
I suddenly felt embarrassed for even bringing that up; It was unnecessary-- but surely worked to shut her up.  
  
"hi ladies. Here's your margarita.." the waitress came back just in time-- I smiled at her as she carefully placed my margarita on the table while I try to fight tears.  
  
"thank you." I said, looking away.  
  
As soon as the waitress walked away, Tegan leaned in;  
  
"So what's your plan with Sara?" she asked.  
  
I looked over to her and saw she was seriously wanting me to answer that.  
  
"I don't know." I sighed. it was an honest answer-- and the best one I can come up with at this time.  
  
"Is it true you're leaving us?" I guess the word is out.  
  
I just nodded; I couldn't look straight at Tegan-- I somehow feel embarrassed that I'm leaving them at a very important part of this process, and I wish I have a better solution, but at this point, this is the only thing that I can think of that will ease all this, and at the very least, save our friendship.  
  
"Are you just here to give your notice?" She asked.  
  
"no.. I'm staying for another month or so. until we find a replacement." I said. "I'm not going to ambush an artist like what Emy did to me, of course I;m going to make a proper turn over."  
  
All this work talk is effectively keeping my mind off the stress with Sara.  
  
Tegan sighed, and forced a smile as she sit back.  
  
"good." she said.  
  
I looked away again, trying not to get my mind back on Sara; I quickly went for my bag, but as I was rummaging through my stuff, Tegan moved from her seat and sat beside me.  
  
"Hey..." she asked, cautiously, reaching for my hand and pulling me towards her as my weak self started to break down.  
  
"I'm sorry to push you.. I just.. I was just as worried, mad and everything else in between. I'm so torn just as you are." Tegan said softly, trying not to get any attention as she try to hush me from the corner of this almost deserted restaurant."  
  
"I was so hurt, Tegan." I mumbled, as I dig my face on the arch of her neck.  
  
I tried hard not to cry, but her scent was home; The way she held me and the soft touch of her skin was enough to make me feel vulnerable-- It was hard to forget Sara for a little bit, and seeing Tegan just brought back the pain I worked so hard to numb myself from.  
  
"I'm so sorry Jo..." she said, rubbing my back.  
  
  
\--------------------------------------------------------------  
  
SARA  
  
Lunch time's over, but Tegan and Jo are still nowhere to be found in the studio; I stayed at the lounge, even hung out at the ladies' room to Veronica's advise, thinking that Jo might be spending her time there at a cubicle talking to Emy like she did this morning.  
  
I'm guessing they went out together-- how I hope Tegan didn't hound her like she said she would if she comes back.  
  
"is she back yet?" I asked Veronica as she enter the lounge, catching me jittering as I keep my cool and not come off too worried about her again.  
  
Veronica sighed.  
  
"yeah. she's with tegan."  
  
I stood, and ran out to the studio lobby to catch them coming in, leaving Veronica behind at the lounge without a word.  
  
I ran, and prepared a speech in my head-- though the least my head could think of was "where have you two been?" Like it's still my business what Jo does outside her working hours with us. I feel helpless, and by the moment I see the two of them enter the lobby together, almost hand in hand, and with Tegan's arm over Jo's shoulder, I froze.  
  
That guilty feeling of jealousy, and feeling as if I'm losing a game I started, to my sister who knew all the right moves to take and words to say-- it was indeed a game I started just to lose to someone I know will not finish without the last laugh.  
  
"go along." Tegan told Jo; and she complied without a question. she walked past me, ignoring me as if she didn't see me, while I notice every single shudder, every single swelling of her eyes, and every redness on her face; she cried again.  
  
"don't worry we just talked."  
  
"am I supposed to not worry? what did you tell her this time?" I asked.  
  
"to give you a chance. you're welcome." Tegan walked away from me as well, leaving me there at the lobby by myself; Veronica creeping up just behind Tegan.  
  
"Are you okay?" she asked, reaching out to my shoulder.  
  
"yeah.. I'll be fine." I said as we slowly walked back in to the studio.  
  
\--------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Recording for the day is over, finally. It was one of the most painful and awkward 4 hours of my life; having JO direct us with such professionalism, too stern for her personality, to be honest, and with Tegan not cracking a single joke.  
  
  
Jo and veronica loaded her equipment on Jasper's truck, as Tegan and I watch and wait for her to come up to me.  
  
"go on and talk to her, will you?" Tegan asked.  
  
"what should I say?" I asked her, honestly blanking out.  
  
Tegan sighed and shook her head.  
  
"at this point it doesn't matter what you say." she said bluntly, looking at me as if telling me that I've done enough damage that it won't ruin me any further.  
  
well, fuck it.  
  
I walked over to Jo, setting aside the fear of rejection yet again.  
  
"hey.." I said, pursing my palms on my jacket pockets.  
  
"what's up?" Jo said, still sorting her things on the back of the truck.  
  
"are you staying at our apartment tonight?" shit.  
  
Jo paused, obviously in surprise.  
  
"Our.." Jo turned to me. "apartment?"  
  
I didn't respond. I stood there like a kid that just got bullied and didn't know how to defend herself.  
  
but I found a little bit of courage to say something after staring at her, as I wait for the rush of blood to my head to subside.  
  
"Yes.. our apartment." I said.  
  
Jo sighed and proceed to fix her things. "I guess"  
  
I sighed in relief and tried to calm myself down and tried to find a way to conceal what little happiness I have in me.  
  
"hey Sar, I can get you two a ride home if you want?" Jasper asked  
  
"Jasper's supposed to take the equipment home with him but do you want to hitch a ride?" Jo asked, casually-- as if nothing just happened; but she sounded rather too casual.  
  
"Sure. That's great." I said right away.  
  
I'm all giddy, and I don't know if I'm celebrating a victory I haven't won just yet, but this is a start. I think.  
  
\--------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I thought the ride home was awkward, but having to ride the elevator alone with Jo was another level of uneasy. We remained quiet-- JO didn't bother putting her phone out-- I started to feel, halfway through it that she was waiting for me to talk to her but I couldn't think of anything to say to her.  
  
One floor away, I grabbed the keys and looked for the main door keys, but noticed that JO already has her keys at hand.  
  
The elevator dinged and Jo walked quickly past me as it opened, I followed and watched as she nervously walk towards our apartment door and put the keys in.  
  
Jo entered the room, and as she remove her jacket, she paused and slowly looked around-- probably trying top understand the mess I made.  
  
"sorry I.. didn't take the time to clean up." I said, embarrassed of what she came home to as I lock the door from inside.  
  
"It's okay.. it's still early, we can clean up." JO said, tying her hair back in a bun and walking towards the kitchen.  
  
I tried to run after her, as she is not prepared for what she's about to discover in the kitchen.  
  
"hey.. there's something I lef..." I said as I try to walk past her..  
  
"OH MY GOD. SARA?!" But I was too late.  
  
"I told you to never leave food uncovered! and you didn't throw these trash bags away! ugh!" Jo said, sounding disgusted.  
  
"I'm sorry." I said.  
  
Jo sighed, putting her hands on her hips as she look around, probably trying to figure out where to start.  
  
"apologize to yourself for living like this, you're never like this." Jo turned to me. "..and I know this wouldn't happen had I not left. so I'm sorry too."  
  
"Oh no, don't apologize.. I'm.. I should've cleaned this up days ago, I was just too lazy to get up early"  
  
JO crossed her arms. "but seriously, you're disgusting." she half smiled-- something I've never seen whole day. it was like a light in a long dark tunnel, and I couldn't help but feel thankful for these trash I left in the kitchen.  
  
Jo turned away, breaking our stare and went for the cabinets.  
  
"do we still have gloves in here?" she asked as she search the cabinets for plastic gloves.  
  
"I think I put it in the other drawer." I said as I walk up to her.  
  
I've been meaning to get this close to her since this morning-- I just want to touch her, embrace her and kiss her-- and just be with her.  
  
Jo closed the cabinets and as soon as she turned, I pushed myself towards her, and gave her an embrace.  
  
"Sara.."  
  
"I missed you... so much." I said, almost to the point of breaking down. Her smell, her warmth, It's all a reality again-- I am no longer dreaming.  
  
"I... I don't know what to say." she said.  
  
"you don't have to say anything." I said, as I pulled her in further.  
  
But Jo wasn't giving me anything in return; I'm not expecting her to, however I feel as if I'm on this on my own-- that I;m the only one who misses her, and she's being forced into this.  
  
I can feel Jo's heartbeat racing, and how uncomfortable she is becoming so I decided to loosen my grip, and ultimately let go of her but just as I was about to pull my arms away, she embrace me back.  
  
"I hate to admit it but I missed you too... so bad." she said.  
  
Finally some real words from her; and I can't help but cry, hearin her say those words to me.  
  
"I am so sorry Jo. I don't know what I should do to earn your trust again, but I will do anything." I said, my voice muffled by her shoulder from our tight embrace.  
  
\--------------------------------------------------------------  
  
We finished cleaning the kitchen and the living room just in time for bed, and after we took a shower--unfortunately, separately-- we went to bed. I lied just by the edge of my side of the bed, giving Jo her space. While we are currently in a state of forgiveness, I don't want to give Jo a reason to stay away. Jo lied a little far towards the edge of the bed as well, obviously still a little awkward.  
  
"Sara?" she called, after she turned her back against me.  
  
"yes?" I said, looking towards her.  
  
"can you do me a favor?" she asked  
  
"sure love." I answered her, calling her love by impulse. I pinched my self from that embarrassing moment.  
  
Jo sighed.  
  
"Let's not talk about what happened that night... at least not for the mean time... Please?" she asked without moving an inch.  
  
"okay.." I answered. I knew she wasn't ready to talk about it, at least that gives me time to redeem myself for a little bit before we get to the gory details.  
  
"goodnight.." she said, pulling the blanket over her shoulders.  
  
"goodnight.. Love." I said, so desperately waiting for her to tell me that she loves me still.


	33. I hear noises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaand I've finally updated this one after the longest time. this one's pretty long and juicy so I hope you guys like it. Still practicing on my smut writing, so forgive any awkward descriptions. haha

I know I asked to stay at home for the last week to try and get my head together, but for some reason, last night was the only tme I got to sleep well. The last 7 days I spent  in Santa Barbara, were restless, to say the least, despite being in the comfort of my own home. Weirdly enough, this apartment feels more like home to me—with Sara. I’d like to think that she’s become my safe space, in spite of all the anxiety I was feeling everytime I I get reminded of Julie whenever I see Sara.

 

It was 4 in the morning and I still have time to sleep in, so I shifted, and saw that Sara was still sleeping, her face ever peaceful and innocent. As I stare at her, I recall those mornings I woke up at my bed, cold and alone, crying as I fought myself from calling her to tell her how much I miss her.

 

I can’t help but smile now that I’ve finally woken up beside her again, warm and less worried. Except this time we a guard up; a space big enough to fit another person, with fear that we might hurt ourselves when we touch.

 

But this is better than not seeing her at all.

 

I’d choose to have that space between us than an empty bed.

 

I reached my hand put to touch her face, but pulled it away as I recall what I was really here for. So I turned my back once again, and did my best to try and sleep again.

 

I came back here not to get back together with Sara; I am here to give us closure once and for all.

 

Much as I want to be with her, it’s still best to keep the remaining days of this project, purely professional.

 

_Professional_

 

Well that’s funny isn’t it? I want to keep my stay strictly for business, but here I am, sleeping in the same bed as my boss; sure this is professional.

 

 

My alarm finally went off, and to my surprise as I sat up, Sara wasn’t in bed anymore. I got up to look for Sara, but as I was about to exit the bedroom, I saw her in the closet, so I walked up to her.

 

"you're up early! Going somewhere?" I asked as I see Sara pack her small suitcase; I'm guessing she's flying out for another hearing.

 

"yeah.. I have to leave for New York again. Just got the message this morning." Sara said without even looking up at me.

 

"okay.. do you need me to drive you down?" I asked, trying to make an effort to make her feel less gloomy.

 

"no thanks.” Sara said, pausing, but still not looking up at me.

 

"okay.. so, when are you coming back?" I asked, as I sit down on the floor with her.

 

"I don't know." she said, continuing fixing her luggage.

 

"alright..." were all I could say; I suddenly felt like I would miss her; thinking that I just spent a whole week away from her and now she's the one having to go away for a little while.

 

"aren't you supposed to be at the studio in an hour?" she asked sounding like she wanted me to just leave her alone;  still not looking at me.

 

"yeah." I stood, thinking she would flinch and just take a glance at me but she didn't falter, she just continued packing.

 

I then left the closet and headed for the shower without a word; I know I started the cold shoulder and maybe she's just giving it back after I ignored how she called me love last night, so I felt like I didnt have the right to feel bad, despite having all the reasons to be.

 

As I was in the middle of  taking a bath, I heard the luggage wheels run on the floor, along with footsteps, followed by a sound of a closing door.

 

she left I guess.

 

She didnt even bother to knock and tell me she was leaving, no goodbyes; but I guess she  shut the door that loud in purpose  to tell me she was off.

 

I got out the bathroom as soon as I finished and checked my phone first thing, but there wasnt any message for me to read from her.

 

I woke up this morning feeling guilty of how I treated her yesterday, but after this little show of her, I couldn’t feel any more reasonable that I acted the way I did. 

 

I quickly dried up, got into my clothes and left for the studio; having this mindset that I would have the week all to myself once again, without the awkward nights with Sara in the apartment and the studio-- just working this to my advantage.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

 

"So Sara left for new york and didn’t even say goodbye." I told Tegan as we eat breakfast together at the pantry; first thing I said when I got here,  and I thought I told myself that I'll be working all day without even thinking of Sara.

 

"really...?" Tegan said, sounding all dumbfounded. "looks like she's giving you the silent treatment, did you guys fight last night? You guys didn’t even have sex?"

 

I shot a look on Tegan and rolled my eyes away.

 

"please. we basically cried and hugged and that was it." I said

 

"well.. wasn’t this your plan in the first place?" she asked.

 

I paused from my meal and sighed.

 

"If you ask me I think she's making it easy for you. you asked for it." Tegan added.

 

"yeah.. I guess." I said, before proceeding to finish my meal.

 

"sorry..." tegan said lowly "that was harsh."

 

"yeah but you're right... so.. we're good." I said.

 

I then stood and picked my disposables up, threw them on the bin and left the pantry to start working; I can't dwell on this the whole time I'm here.

 

So I pulled my phone out and called the merch supplier as I walk towards the set on the booth; time to direct this frustration to get results and make this day productive somehow.

 

"I need the shirt samples for Tegan and Sara by 2pm today" I said as soon as the contact picked up.

 

This is going to be a busy day.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

 

"The merch isnt due for final review till next Wednesday, why the hurry?" Emy asked; scolding me from miles away, after the suppliers ran to her to save their ass.

 

"well they were supposed to send samples 2 weeks ago but they didn't, and apparently the person who covered for me didn't follow up." I said as I step out of the booth to talk to Emy.

 

I noticed how some of the crew followed me with a strange look, having been very strict on them all day; probably wondering what went on between me and Sara last night-- cause apparently we've been the talk of the town after the recent events-- so I just turned before I closed the door to catch their glance and they all just looked away in an instant; bunch of gossip folks.

 

"I swear to God it's getting more and more unbearable the longer I stay here, I don't think I can last the whole week with these people; and it's only been 2 days!"

 

"I understand you're feeling a little stressed out and business and personal issues are colliding right now but don't let it get to you." Emy said, noticing how annoyed I've been for the rest of the time we've been exchanging text messages.

 

"look I'm just trying to do my job and finish what I could as soon as possible. you told me to focus on the project, right? that's exactly what I'm doing." I said, as I enter the bathroom-- my favorite place to bite the hands that feed me.

 

"but dont be too hard on these people, we've been in business with them for a decade, you don't want to burn that bridge don't you?" Emy said calmly.

 

I sighed and just tried to stop myself from breaking down; "okay, I'm sorry.. just.. can you handle this for me? I really can't promise that I won't snap if these lazy asses keep delaying the samples, we've given them enough time already." I said.

 

"alright, I'll take care of it. just focus on filming and editing for the mean time. I'll update you within  the day, okay?"

 

"okay.."

 

I was starting to calm down when all of a sudden Tegan came barging into the bathroom.

 

"and please, take a breather if you need to, relax and just don't be too hard on yourself... and your crew." emy said, as Tegan locked the bathroom door behind her.

 

"I will.. I'm taking a 10 now as we speak." I said, backing up a bit, feeling a little nervous that I know where this is going.

 

"good, have as much fun as you can, take some time for yourself if you want to." Emy added.

 

"I... definitely will." I said, then quickly put my phone back in my pocket.

 

"look, I'm sorry.." I said as Tegan approach me looking rather upset. "Whoever took over my job bviously didnt do any good, I was just trying to pick up where I left off."

 

Tegan crossed her arms and nodded, frowning, she sighed.

 

"okay, so then.." she licked her lips and was breathing heavily, as if recovering from a sprint; "...I hope you don't mind if I pick up where we left off."

 

rather confused, I loosend up. "huh?"

 

Tegan quickly released her arms and pulled me close, and before I know it, she had me in her arms, kissing me.

 

I froze in shock, and asked myself what the hell is happening and why;  my eyes didnt even close to this supposedly romantic gesture, but surprisingly I was responding to Tegan's kiss.

 

As I give in to her touch, Tegan shifted towards the marble counter top and I took it upon me to carry her and help her sit on top of the counter beside the sink.

 

I can tell, from how warm her skin felt, and the way she flushed, that she's been wanting to do this for long now; and for some reason, it dawned on me that I've missed touching her like this as well.

 

What I thought was a bad scolding from my boss turned out to be a make out session that's been overdue for months now; this isn't me cheating on Sara, but the moment I thought of her I couldn't help but pause.

 

"what's wrong?" Tegan asked

 

I pursed my lips.

 

"I think it's clear to us that you and Sara aren’t going anywhere this time." she added.

 

I couldn't believe I'm hearing this from Tegan, but she's right, and despite me coming back here, it doesnt mean that Sara and I are together again; so this isn't me cheating on her. At the least I’m taking this is going to somehow take my mind off her. For now.

 

"it's not that, I just... I missed you." I said, shifting our attention.

 

Tegan smiled and shook her head in relief, "I don't think 10 minutes is enough for this reunion though"

 

"your place tonight?" I asked her as I closed in, sliding my hands beneath her shirt, touching parts I've missed putting my hands on.

 

"or we can go to your place for a bit of a thrill?" Tegan suggested, as she gave my bum a squeeze.

 

"sounds like a plan." I said, not being able to resist how big of a tease she was.

 

Tegan pulled me in for another kiss, taking me back to this place that's all too familiar, that it didnt take me long to even think of a proper response-- leaving my better judgement behind the door yet again, and for the same damn person.

 

I've resisted her for too long, and not long ago I was at this same place fighting my attraction for Tegan because of Sara, and for me to not grab this opportunity as it presented itself would be something I will definitely regret not doing.

 

"Is everything okay?" someone said, as they knocked on the bathroom door.

 

Tegan quickly jumped off the counter top as I gussied up; "yes!" Tegan said loudly, sounding as if she was angry.

 

"I'll meet you there, I'll just get us something to drink later, okay?" Tegan said before kissing me in the cheeks.

 

I just nodded, not knowing if I'll come off nervous when I talk in excitement for this little moment later.

 

Tegan then walked out of the bathroom first; welcomed by a group of our crew outside lined up. Tegan walk out without a word and I followed her out, shifting my mood.

 

"what are you all looking at? don't you have a documentary to film?" I said, trying to show that I was upset after that 'scolding'.

 

"you heard Gomez, come on guys, let's not feast on this drama." Someone said from behind the little crowd.

 

I realized the voice I heard was Angie's, and as the group dispersed, she walked up to me; I think it's time for the real scolding.

 

Angie sighed as she signaled me to walk with her.

 

"I know it's all a little too much for you to handle. But please, we're all too pressed for time as you are." she said.

 

"now I know we gave you a deadline, but if you need an extension we can always work something out, okay?" she added as we reach the door to the booth.

 

"I did talk to Emy, she said she's going to take care of it." I said, confidently, as I feel like I found a little bit of ease from Angie taking her efforts to talk to me calmly.

 

"oh, okay, well... that's good. I mean I've been trying to reach he and she's..." Angie held her phone up, in speaker.

 

"she's still busy? that's weird." Angie said.

 

_Fuck_

 

I pulled my phone out from my pocket; and saw that our call was still active.

 

I almost dropped my phone.

 

"oh look at that." Angie said, laughing.

 

I felt dizzy from my pressure suddenly going up, realizing that Emy may have possibly heard everything-- EVERYTHING.

 

I nervously gave a chuckle, as Angie stared at me, looking rather amused.

 

"h-hello?" I called on Emy on the other line.

 

No one responded, but I can hear breathing on the other line.

 

"Emy? are you still there?" I asked, but still no response, and the the call ended.

 

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

I finished the day off and immediately drove back to the apartment, my excitement for this night with Tegan turned into a guilt trip and I couldn't even focus on driving.

 

I was driving in circles around echopark, missed my turn a few times and just drove back to the studio and then passed by Tegan's apartment before realizing we already agreed to meet at my place.

 

I took a few minutes to stop by a lot near our complex to clear my head before I drove up home again.

 

Once I reached my apartment, I immediately ran to the bathroom to take a much needed shower to realease some tension, while waiting for Tegan.

 

However no matter how many times I attempt to get my mind off of Emy, I just couldn't help but worry about what this means to her.

 

I know I'm her friend, but she's sort of entrusted Sara to me; although she knew how much Sara has hurt me to begin with, and should understand that what Tegan and I share is something that I can't easily let go especially that Sara's done messed things up.

 

But Sara's facing the toughest days of her life now; she's in New York up for trial  against her ex, and I can just imagine how much that is taking its toll on her, not to mention how much her guilt haunted her from Julie's separation from the publication, and our own separation from each other.

 

Between the two of us, Sara needs me more than I need Tegan to mess around (again) with.

 

I was out of the shower and was thinking about calling Sara; I haven’t heard from her the whole day, I'm guessing she's probably tired from her trip, and discussing the trial with her attorney.

 

I slipped into a robe and laid for a little bit as I stare at Sara's name on my contacts, still fighting my urge to call her, and my fear of rejection.

 

And then there was a knock on my door.

 

I got up and immediately ran to check who it was; I mean I know who it was, I just happened to have almost forgotten I was waiting on Tegan to come over.

 

I sighed, and locked my phone as I wear a smile to welcome Tegan in.

 

"hey.." I greeted as I opened the door.

 

"oh wow, I guess I was just on time." Tegan said, surveying me on my robe.

 

I pulled my robe tighter, and picked up one of the 2 bags she was carrying; noticing that Tegan's hair was wet as well; looks like she came just as prepared.

 

"wow that's kind of heavy." I said, as we bring the stuff to the kitchen.

 

"Yeah well... Long night ahead, yeah?"  Tegan asked

 

"I don't know about that, it's kind of late ." I said glancing at the wall clock in the kitchen.

 

"well then we better start early and make the most out of this." Tegan said, almost teasing as she give me 'the' look.

 

I just shook my head and laughed; proceeding in opening the bottle of wine she brought.

 

"But what the hell, we don't need this booze." I said as I leave the bottle alone.

 

"You read my mind." Tegan said before she pulled me close and lifted me.

 

As Tegan carried me over to the couch, we kissed, making up for all those times we resisted to do so.

 

Those moments when we were inches apart, refusing to submit to our urge to touch or even look each other in the eye, felt like worth all the times I remained patient-- or faithful to Sara.

 

The warmth of Tegan's mouth feels new  to me; it was something I've never felt when I kissed her in the past, oddly enough, her lips were trembling like she was nervous-- like this was the first time ever kissed anyone.

 

Tegan sat on the couch, and I on top, straddling her as she rested her back. Our lips parted as Tegan went for my belt and loosened it up, and for some reason, her hands were tembling.

 

I couldn't tell if the thrill she was looking for was getting on her, or if it’s just her libido taking the best of her.

 

"Hey.." I said, holding Tegan's hands, stopping her from untying my belt. "is everything okay?"

 

Tegan sighed and smiled, losing the tension in her shoulders.

 

"sorry.. for some reason, I'm a little nervous." Tegan said, shaking it off.

 

"you? you're nervous?" I crossed my arms. "well that's something I don't hear everyday."

 

"I just..." Tegan licked her lips; she does seem nervous.

 

 "I thought that I wouldn’t get to hold you like this again " She said as she caress my cheek. "I thought I had lost you for good; that I'd spend the rest of my life stopping myself from trying to love you again."

 

Now if that wasn’t the sweetest, most sincere confession of defeat, ever, I don't know what is.

 

However, I refuse to remind Tegan how she should know, of all people, that no matter what or who comes in between us, that I will always come back to her. She could be an airhead most of the time; but hearing this from her is definitely unexpected of her.

 

I swallowed, and just kissed her again in response, as I wrap her in my arms. Tegan embraced me back as we continue to make out in the couch, not minding how Sara's perfume covered this living room, and how one of her blankets lie beside us in the sofa, which happened to also be a  place where we once had sex.

 

Every bit of decency I have left in me and my respect to her sister was thrown out of the door since this morning; and I can't believe I don't feel any remorse. I don't know if this feels like a revenge of some sort, but this reassures me that I'm just as horrible as she was when she fucked Julie.

 

Yes, we stooped down to _that_ level.

 

We continued kissing, Tegan's hands wandering back to my tight belt, struggling to let it loose, but hurriedly pulled my robe off as soon as she finally untied it. I'd like to applaud her for a job well done, but all I could do was smile in between our kisses.

 

I sat there, on top of Tegan's lap, naked yet again.

 

The cold wind from the open balcony blew the curtains and exposed my back to the freezing mist, giving me goose bumps.

 

"Should I close that?"  Tegan paused.

 

I was cold, but Tegan was warm enough to keep me going, so I held her jaw and turned her back to me, kissing her again, taking her away from the distraction.

 

My hands roamed Tegan's shirt, looking for the seams so I can help her out of it, and without a sweat I found my hands pulling them up.

 

"I think we don't need this anymore." I said, removing Tegan's shirt--  and was surprised to see her bare; Almost shocked that she came over here without a bra on, if I didn't know that she likes to go around town wearing nothing but a shirt under her sweater.

 

Tegan pulled me in, and started kissing my neck, giving me more goose bumps; I could tell she liked that by the way she smiled against my skin, as she go further down my chest.

 

She wrapped her arms around my waist, preventing me from falling as I arch my back from how good she's working her mouth on by breast, while I carefully cupped hers.

 

Tegan looked up at me as I watch her from below; a scene that's all too familiar to me, but the way I couldn't see her jaws is confusing my brain. It looks as though I was with Sara, and I had to remind myself over again that it's Tegan I'm sharing this look with, so I had to close my eyes.

 

'This is Tegan, This is Tegan' I thought to myself as I feel her and focus on her touch; still doing my best to forget Sara.

 

"Jo? Look at me." Tegan said. Hearing her voice surprisingly helped me, so I opened my eyes, and smiled at Tegan, finally seeing her face as she look up at me with so much fervor.

 

Tegan smiled back as her hand travelled further down, eventually finding itself in between my legs.

 

I breathed, as my head started feeling foggy from realizing that Tegan, at last, is where I needed her to be.

 

Tegan's lids flinched the moment she realized how wet I was. She grinned like a crazy stan; and I pursed my lips in slight embarrassment, but she didn't say a word, instead, she finally pushed one inside me.

 

Seeing her bite her lip as she add another one inside me was enough to make me pass out, but I managed to keep it together somehow-- but I felt like I was dreaming; or  drunk when I didn't even had any alcohol in me.

 

This is Tegan's effect on me, and I'm still amazed by it every damn time.

 

Tegan moved slowly, but forceful enough to make me leap up and down on top of her, that I had to hold on to the back of the couch.

 

She watched me as I gradually get lost in the moment; as I fall weak in the knees and just give in to my weight.

 

She laid me down on the couch and moved on top of me as I rest my legs from the friction of the material on my knees; but Tegan wasn't satisfied by my position, so she pulled one of my legs up and laid it on top the rest.

 

And yes, she squeezed a third one in me, but I was so drenched that I didn't even feel the friction of her digits rubbing on my walls.

 

Tegan was quick to follow up the momentum and wasted no time; she lowered herself, as my other leg fall off the couch.

 

She gave me one last grin before she licked her lips; carrying on, kissing me down my torso. As I threw my head back from resisting the tickle of her kisses, I weaved my hands on Tegan's hair, trying my best not to pull too hard.

 

She looked up, watching me as I wait impatiently for her to taste me. She kissed me softy just below my navel, the tip of her tongue slowly tracing its way down; I bit my lip as my heart beat sped up to the sensation of Tegan’s warm tongue on my inner thigh, all while she worked her fingers inside me.

 

But nothing prepared me for when Tegan’s tongue met my clit; I felt like I was going crazy. I dug into Tegan’s scalp, as my other hand looked for a place to hold on to. I trembled, not knowing how to place myself in great pleasure from Tegan’s kisses; she moved her way up and down and around, pressing her tongue hard over it.

 

I looked down, and saw Tegan hasn’t broken her glance, she was still watching me—she saw how my eyes rolled at the back of my head as I throw it back. I wanted to look down on her again, to see that this is all happening for real, but every inch of her being on me is driving me over the edge of my sanity—or what is left of it.

 

I flinched, as her finger hit the rhythm of her tongue, sending me to a frenzy; “I’m coming” I whispered, hardly even saying it properly as if I have forgotten how to talk, but I am so near to an orgasm, it was almost humiliating.

 

“don’t stop!” I moaned, as I almost pulled Tegan’s hair out, my hips bucked, and my whole body trembling.

 

Tegan sped up, and went harder as she see me lose myself.

 

I suddenly felt that familiar warmth crawl up my crotch and in a second, it reached my core; I whimpered, as Tegan continued her strokes.

 

I wanted to scream, but my chest felt paralyzed from how good this orgasm felt.

 

Tegan paused, slowly removing herself from inside me, and smiling down at me as I stare back at here in daze; Tegan then crawled up beside me on the couch and caught my head at the crook of her shoulders.

 

I curled up beneath her chest as Tegan rubbed my arm to keep me warm.

 

“maybe I can close that balcony now?” she asked.

 

“I’ll do it.” I said as we both got up

 

“you may want to cover up.” Tegan suggested, picking up Sara’s blanket.

 

“oh. Okay.” I said, getting the blanket from Tegan.

 

Just as I was getting in the moment with Tegan, I got reminded of Sara yet again.

 

I wrapped the blanket over me as I walk towards the balcony, trying to shake the thought of Sara off my mind as her scent fill the air I was breathing.

 

_Shit_

I paused as I took the handle of the balcony door; I just stood there, looking at the rails as the wind blew the curtain get towards me.

 

I shook my head, as I proceed to close the door and just get back to Tegan, bringing with me a hint of guilt, but my anger towards Sara won me over.

 

I removed the blanket as I walk back towards Tegan who was standing by the couch waiting for me. I threw the blanket on the floor and pushed Tegan on the couch.

 

I threw myself at Tegan and began kissing her, as I quickly unbutton her pants. Her hands immediately went on top of mine to help herself out of it, and in no time I had them off.

 

I knelt on the floor, and pulled Tegan’s legs apart, and helped myself. I was welcomed by her wet pussy, she was dripping that I almost choked on it as I suck on her clit.

 

Tegan looked so surprised by my actions, and I was glad that she submitted to me without defiance; she breathed heavily, her face red and looking all bewildered.

 

I smiled against her wet cunt, and as I pushed my tongue carefully inside it, she reached her hand out and pulled me closer, pushing my tongue further inside her.

 

“fuck me please.” She begged, glaring at me with pleading eyes.

 

So I complied.

 

But just as I have given Tegan what she was pleading for, my phone rang.

 

_Damn it._

Tegan and I jerked in surprise, I lifted my head, while my hand still busy on Tegan and glanced over at my phone and saw that it was Angie calling.

 

“It’s Angie.” I said.

 

“I think you should get that” Tegan said.

 

I reached for it, keeping my other hand on Tegan.

 

Tegan chuckled as I attended the call, all the while I was busy fucking her.

 

I smiled, and tried hard not to laugh as I answer Angie.

 

“hey Angie!” I said as I watch Tegan throw her head back and cover her mouth.

 

“Jo, we need to talk.” She said.

 

“We _are_ already talking, what’s up?” I said. And from hearing that, Tegan looked down on me all surprised.

 

And to _my_ surprise, she held my hand to stop; but she held a finger against her lip, signaling me not to react to that. Tegan slowly pulled my fingers out of her, and quickly wiped them clean with her shirt.

 

“Jo, I’m sure you’d want to talk about this in person. Where are you now?” she asked, as Tegan picked up her clothes and walked to the bedroom.

 

I am so confused, just what could be so important that it couldn’t wait to be discussed tomorrow during the recording?

 

“okay… I’m here at the apartment. Should I come over your place?” I said as I stood and followed Tegan to the bedroom.

 

“no, I’ll go there, I’m actually on my way, we just got off the meeting. Tegan’s with you, right?” she asked as I grab a shirt, with Tegan in the closet.

 

“uhh.. yeah she is.” I said, as Tegan and I looked at each other.

 

“okay, just as I thought.” Angie said. “anyway I’ll be there in 5 mins.”

 

“alright. Drive safely.” I said, before hangin up.

 

“Why does Angie know you’re with me?” I asked, putting my phone on a shelf.

 

“They asked me to join a meeting earlier, but I told them we had some things we need to work on. Why?” Tegan asked, taking a shirt from Sara’a rack.

 

“She just got off _that_ meeting I guess and she needs to talk to me. _In person._ ” I said, getting a towel.

 

Tegan and I proceeded to clean ourselves up and fix the mess we made as we wait for Angie to arrive; and luckily it took her more than 5 minutes to come over, buying us time.

 

“I’m sure you’re surprised I had to come over in short notice, but we don’t have much time.” Angie said as we settle in the living room.

 

“Why what’s going on?” Tegan asked.

 

“We’ve decided to call the recording off, indefinitely” She said.

 

I know this shouldn’t come as a surprise, considering all the trouble Sara is going through, but I have a really bad feeling about this.

 

“What?” Tegan crossed her arms. “WB called it off?”

 

Angie nodded.

 

“the investigation for Stacy and David’s case is getting a lot of hype and all these hearings are getting in the way of finishing the record. It’s not right that Sara’s got to fly in and out of California on demand.” Angie said. “and Jo, you’re flying to New York tomorrow.” Angie said.

 

_Fuck._

 

“and why do I need to go to New York?” I asked; as if I didn’t know where this is going.

 

“they want you to stand in trial for a testimony on David.” Angie said.

 

And there it is; the one thing I was dreading since this all started.

 

Another supposedly good night ruined by the same person whose hands I almost lost my life to.

 

"what?!" I yelled at Angie in surprise "wait, I am so confused right now, didnt we agree that I will NEVER be part of this? wasnt his criminal record enough to prove that he's capable of such things?! what do they need me there for?!" I said, almost to point of pulling my own hair in frustration.

 

“Tegan? Tell her!”

 

I looked up at Tegan, as if begging her to help me out of this, but she couldn’t even look back at me; I just sat there, looking at Tegan as she stare on the floor, feeling helpless.

 

She knew she should have been in that meeting; she could’ve stopped this decision, but she was here with me the whole time.  

 

“look, I may not be able to explain this to you properly, but they think it's for the best. The company's willing to cover everything including counseling and is ready to comply to any of your demands" Angie said. “you can talk about this with your Attorney, you’ll be meeting with Sara and her lawyers on Thursday and you can probably work something out from there.”

 

My heart dropped.

 

I guess that’s just it—I have no choice but to face the person I fear the most, and not even Tegan can save me from it, despite having promised me she will do everything in her power to keep me away from him.

 


	34. Stop Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tegan and Jo is ON IT AGAIN!
> 
> another smut chapter, hope you guys like it, and please comment if you can, I would really appreciate some constructive criticism on my writing too ;) Thanks! :)

Angie left me and Tegan both dumbfounded and silent; we were still sitting on the couch, only this time, a few feet apart, as we both zone out from processing all of this. 

 

I flinched to the thought of having to face David again in a few days; but much as I wanted to keep it together around people, Tegan saw this, and she immediately shifted herself towards me.

               

"Come here" she said, reaching out and pulling me in her arms.

 

I didn’t hesitate to take her offer, and in no time, I broke down.

 

"I'm sorry." She said, with so much regret in her voice.

 

I shook my head; "don't... apologize, this is not... your fault" I said, struggling to get a breath from my sobbing. I cried so hard, to the point of not knowing how to stop.

 

Tegan held me tighter in an attempt to muffle my sobs, she rocked me in her arms like child, as she rub her arms on my back to warm me up; sending me to relax a little bit. "Don't worry, we'll make sure he doesn’t hurt you; not anymore." she assured me.

 

I’ve heard her say that a million times, but I still find it hard to trust those words. But then again, when Tegan tells me something, I take it blindly, I believe her regardless of the many times she failed me and that is the most ironic thing in my world.

 

"let's get you to bed?" Tegan said, not letting go until I answered.

 

I just nodded and Tegan loosened up, and I followed her as she guided me to pick myself up from the couch.

 

Tegan tucked me in, and joined me in bed, but despite lying down here with her, the strange feeling of discomfort brought by having her here with me in this room I share with Sara was replaced by the trauma of my accident with David. Yes I still call it an accident despite knowing that it was nothing short of an attempted murder; I guess that's the only way for me to find the slightest comfort in the fact that someone went to great heights to silence me.

 

In a desperate attempt to feel relief, I just lied in her arms, as she embraced me while I rest my head on her chest; and shortly thereafter, I have never felt safer.

 

"I'm not going anywhere okay?" Tegan said before kissing my forehead; sending me back to sanity as I sigh in relief.

 

I dozed off, as the last thing I remembered was sobbing my way to slumber, but when I opened my eyes after I was interrupted by a twitch of a muscle, Tegan wasn't around. I shifted, and couldn't find her anywhere in the room so I sat up quickly, and in panic of being by myself, I screamed her name;

 

I called Tegan’s name as loud as I could, trembling as I try to remove the duvet  covering me; I stood up quickly but felt my head spinning from my sudden movement, so I sat back on the bed, and tried to compose myself.

 

Soon I heard footsteps coming in closer, and the door then swung open, as Tegan came in, running towards me.

 

"I’m here… I'm here..." Tegan said, breathing rapidly as she hold me, touching my face and looking all over me as if trying to see if I was hurt.

 

I smiled, as I touch her hands cupping my cheeks.

 

"I'm sorry…" Tegan said before kissing me in the forehead. "I had to make some calls."

 

Tegan then sat beside me, and placed her phone down on the side table before she took me in her arms once again.

 

"I didn't want to wake you up so I stayed in the living room." she said in excuse.

 

"It's okay…" I said, sighing in relief once again.

 

"come lie with me again, please?" I asked, looking up at her.

 

"alright, come on." Tegan said, smiling.

 

She quickly laid on the bed and opened her arms, inviting me to join her.

 

I pulled my feet up on the bed and crawled over on top of Tegan, and rested my body against hers as I rest my head on her chest once again.

 

“I’m not too heavy am I?” I asked, as Tegan closed our embrace.

 

“actually… you are a little heavy from what I last recall.” She chuckled.

 

“I did gain some weight…” I said in my defense, and a little embarrassed.

 

“which is a good thing.” She countered.

 

“yeah?” I said looking up at her.

 

“yeah… your curves look good on you… I love it…” She said, smiling down on me.

 

I smiled back.

 

“…and you.” Tegan added.

 

My body erupted in goosebumps; and in flattery, or much to my embarrassment, I just looked away and rested my head against her chest again.

 

Tegan sighed.

 

“I always have.” Tegan said, as she buries her lips on my head.

 

“I know.” I said in a whisper.

 

_Not now Tegan, not now I’m begging you._

 

I thought to myself, feeling nervous of having to talk about this with Tegan now—she could have chosen the worst time of all to _‘define the relationship’_.

 

There was a brief silence, but that short moment of stillness said a million things—but it was soon interrupted as Tegan cleared her throat.

 

 “So… I was wondering, after all this is over… will you still want to be with me? What if Sara makes it up to you, will you still choose her?” Tegan asked, out of the blue.

 

_Damn it._

I pulled away from Tegan, and sat up, leaning my hands against the mattress as I face her.

 

“Seriously, you want to talk about _this_ now _?”_ I asked, pointing to us.

 

Tegan looked rather shocked, so she too sat up and bit her lips—probably in regret of even starting this little argument.

 

“Now that all this mess is starting to bother my fragile sanity?”

 

_There goes my temper._

“No!.. I…” Tegan shook her head as she carefully try to hold me down. “Jo… please hear me out…”

 

I tried fighting it; her gentle grasp as she try to calm me down and her apologetic eyes as they try to melt my anger—but they’re working its magic on me once again, so I looked away in defeat.

 

“Jo…” Tegan said, cautiously holding my face towards her. “Look at me...”

 

I looked down as she turn my face on her direction.

 

“ _look_ at me.” She said one more time.

 

My eyes failed me again, and I looked up at her, catching her gaze as we both tear up.

 

I know this is hurting Tegan much as it pains me to be this confused—I don’t want to answer her not because I didn’t want to be with her, but because I’m afraid that I might hurt Sara just the same if I can’t resist Tegan yet again, after she does make it up to me; I mean after all, I _do_ want Sara to make up for what she did.

 

My body may have surrendered to Tegan’s touch, but my heart and my mind is not ready to face the consequence awaiting us once this week is over.

 

“I’m sorry I had to ask… I just… I tried, okay? I tried so hard to stay away from you and now that Sara’s done messed up, I just couldn’t help but run to you and…. I’m…. I’m afraid my feelings towards you are a lot stronger now after all those moments we resisted each other.” Tegan said, as her lips trembled from holding her sobs back; and it’s as if she was speaking for both of us.

 

“I love _you._ ” Tegan said, this time with an apparent sincerity; much different from when I last heard it from her; but I don’t know if I was feeling the same anymore; and it scared me all of a sudden.

 

“Don’t worry, I don’t need to hear it back…well… maybe I do, but that’s not the point—I want you to feel safe when you’re with me. Now that you’re going through this, I don’t want to be anywhere else, but by your side. I want you to trust me that I will not let anything happen to you, do you understand?” 

 

I nodded, and I just couldn’t help but smile and tear up at the same time. That was exactly what I needed to hear from her during those days that I needed her beside me; years ago when we could’ve avoided all this; but it’s all too late—the damage has been done.

 

“I do feel safe when I’m with you…but please… Let’s not do this… at least let’s wait til this is all over?” I said as Tegan’s thumbs caress my cheeks.

 

Tegan sighed. “alright” She forced a smile, looking rather embarrassed by her display of emotions that I simply swept under the rug. “I’m sorry.” Tegan said.

 

Feeling a little guilty for hurting her, I rest my hands on top of Tegans’; I smiled, trying to break the awkward silence. Finally, she grinned, but with her sad eyes, I can tell she was still hurting inside, so I pushed my cheeks further into her hands; before she closed the space between us and leaned in, kissing me.

 

All this crying and my interrupted nap has made me dizzy, but Tegan’s kiss has, as it always does, helped me ease up; I  exhaled, as my body’s tension release to the warmth of Tegan’s tongue on mine, before I interrupted the kiss.

 

“Fuck it.” I said, shaking my head as I inch away from her; keeping her close enough for another kiss. “how do you do that?”

 

“do what..?” she asked, frowning in confusion.

 

“Fuck up my mood and then redeem yourself in less than a minute.” I said, slipping my hands under her shirt, to feel more of her warmth.

 

Tegan smiled, and raised an eyebrow in pride of her effect; while I stare her down as my hand work its way up her breasts.

_What a smug._

“not to sound conceited but I _am,_ Tegan Quin.” She said with a smirk.

 

I rolled my eyes, and sighed in her sexy arrogance, but she knew exactly what effect that has on me; she knows me all too well.

 

“well… you may be irresistible at most but you’re not all that.. _Tegan Quin.”_ I said, giving her breasts a gentle squeeze.

 

 Tegan chuckled, and threw her head back as she looked up, evidently recalling something;

 

 “I think I know what will _surely_ get your mind off things for a little while” Tegan said, following my hands, and pressing them further on her breasts. “remember the _game?”_

 

I flinched; remembering _the game_ she was talking about, as my fingers brush through her hard nipples, all the while I have another explosion of goose bumps “yeah… I remember that alright.” I said.

 

Tegan chuckled, “see what that does to you? Just the thought of the game makes you wet, I’m sure.” She said as she carefully remove my hands from her.

 

And damn she was right; my warm core was starting to ache, as I simply recall the things we did when we were younger; but just as things were starting to heat up, Tegan slowly moved away.

 

“now I was thinking…” Tegan said, sitting at the edge of the bed, putting her feet down on the floor.

 

Now I’m left sitting in the middle of the bed, as her back faces me; and while I thought she couldn’t possibly seduce me more than I already am, she slowly removed her shirt.

 

”maybe we could…”

 

I silently gasped, as my eyes widen in surprise.

 

“…do that again?”

 

  _She really is going to do this, isn’t she?_

She looked towards her left, leaning her jaw on her shoulder; “so… do you want to _play?_ ” she asked

 

I swallowed. “y-yes.”

 

Tegan licked her lips and grinned before turning her back on me once again and standing up; she probably sensed the excitement and the slight tension in my voice as I recall the many times we played that game; where she would lose most of the time due to her lack of self-control.

 

I remember how she would tie me down, so I don’t lose; but when it’s my turn, I’d refuse to pin her down, cause I’d rather she touch me when I fuck her; but there’s really no prize—cause the multiple orgasms on its own was enough of a reward.

 

“Now take your clothes off and lie down…” she said, before walking away from the bed. “I want you naked when I come back.”Tegan said, then left the room.

 

“I… okay.” I said, without contest.

 

I quickly complied and stripped down, and positioned myself so Tegan sees my back first when she enters the room; I laid to my side, and leaned my elbows to carry my weight, so my back arches, complimenting my _curves_  that Tegan loved so much.

 

Her leaving wasn’t part of the game play, and I’m getting a little too anxious for her to come back to the bedroom, thankfully though, I heard Tegan’s footsteps, and soon I heard her close the door and lock it.

 

I swallowed again; feeling a little nervous, as I haven’t done this in the longest time; and I’ve honestly moved on from my bondage fetish.

 

“well, well…look at you..” Tegan greeted.

 

I turned, and just when I thought I’d be seeing her somehow covered as she walk around our apartment with windows for walls, there she is, still without a top on, carrying a strap-on.

 

 _Oh.. My.. God…where did that come from? Did she just buy that toy for tonight’s so-called ‘reunion’?!_ I thought to myself as try to get up.

“oh—nah ah.” Tegan said, raising a finger.

 

I paused from my position, and waited for Tegan to say something before I made another move as she come closer to the bed.

 

“go lie back down. On your belly. Now.” She commanded as she threw the harness on the bed.

 

I quickly turned, not wanting to lose this game or else I won’t get to take my turn on this after she’s done with me.

 

I tried to relax as I lie on my belly, removing the pillow and resting my head on my arms crossed right at my face. I waited for Tegan to approach, but instead I heard her unzip her pants.

 

_Shit._

 

“keep your head down and don’t move. Don’t look.” She said, even before I could move and turn my head to see what she was doing.

 

“and yes I’m getting naked, perv.” Tegan added.

 

I chuckled; “you are such a hard tease, _Tegan Quin._ You better fuck me real good.”

 

My mind is spinning from this anticipation; much as I may come off tough and overruling, deep inside I am screaming and swooning over her, meek and obedient to her desires.

 

“Oh I will.” She said.

 

_Fuck._

I closed my eyes, and waited patiently for her next command, but I couldn’t keep me still to the sound of the metals on the strap on; surely Tegan is wearing it by now—and my head went spinning again as I picture Tegan with the strap on—though it didn’t take long til I felt Tegan’s weight by my feet, on either sides of my legs.

 

_Is she kneeling above me? Is she standing on the bed?_

I tried to imagine what she was doing, but I shook my head to keep away my thoughts so as to reserve my core from getting all drenched just while she begin this foreplay. _If_  there will be any.

 

“You better let me fuck you after this.” I said, my lids twitching as I force them shut.

 

“If you fuel up my fire enough, sure.” She said. All I could do was roll my eyes under my lids at her arrogance, but the thought of Tegan begging me to fuck her after this, fed my impatience.

 

I cleared my throat to remove my tension “safe word?” I asked, speaking confidently as to not show how anxious I was.

 

“My name, as usual.” She said

 

Before I could respond to that, Tegan moved closer, “Now… you’re not allowed to speak until I’m done with you. Are we clear?”

 

“Y—mm hmm.” I said; _almost_ , losing.

 

Tegan chuckled, “that’s my girl. Be careful... just one word and you’ll lose.” She said, slowly tracing and pulling my calves apart.

 

I raised a thumb, sending Tegan to roar in laughter.

 

“I will never look at a thumbs up the same again.” She said, before I found myself laughing to this awkward gesture. “Oh Jo..”

 

_Damn it Tegan, just fuck me_

It wasn’t long til my laughter was interrupted by Tegan sliding her hands up to my thighs, and to my shock, she grabbed them and pulled them apart.

 

“Oh F---!” I gasped as I conceal my curse, surprised that she was even planning to fuck from behind; but what completely threw me off, is when she slowly crawled up on top of me—with a bulge in between her legs. A firm bulge, slowly tracing my crack up to my mid back—sending me to shiver in tickles.

 

I bit my lip, as I try to measure in my head how big this _thing_ strapped to her crotch is.

 

I felt Tegan drop her weight in between my legs just right below my exposed wetness, as her hands slowly massage my back.

 

I breathed, to relax myself once again, feeling the weight of her warm hands soothe my muscles. She traced my tension up to my neck, while slipping her other hand  under my stomach.

 

“Perk this ass up for me will you?”

 

I placed my weight on chest and guided my thighs, pushing my ass up towards Tegan until I felt the hanging dildo in between my cheeks.

 

With this, Tegan pushed herself on my back, her breast pressing on my bare back.

 

“good girl.” Tegan whispered right on me as she push her crotch further on me, letting the dildo slide in between my lips, rubbing it onto my clit.

 

_Holy fuck._

All I could do was bite my lower lip, and meet Tegan’s pressure in between my legs by pushing against the dildo. I exhaled, and moaned to the sensation as Tegan slowly lunge back and forth, lubricating the dildo with my juices.

 

Tegan was breathing right at my ear; and I could hear her subtle laughs under her breath as I my own breathing become heavy under her teasing.

 

“I almost forgot about this present, but I hope you like it.” She whispered breathily—her voice unsteady as my patience.

 

I smiled as my teeth gnaw on to my lower lip—my eyes still closed and just taking every movement and every sensation in spite of my pussy longing for her to just thrust it in.

 

Tegan kissed my ear, her tongue slowly licking the sides down to my cheeks, giving me goose bumps, before planting gentle kisses towards my lips. We shared a kiss, as her hand weaved beneath my mess of a hair, before sweeping it over; while her other hand caught my breasts, and traced me with her fingers, down to my waist and grabbing on to my hips.

 

Tegan pushed herself up, her hand still gripping onto my hair; pulling it slightly, making me throw my head back.

 

I then pushed my body up, going on all fours as I prepare for Tegan to enter me.

 

“Whoever said your curves are bad on you have never had a piece of this ass, I’m sure.” Tegan said, as I peek back, seeing her position her hips, and her hand spreading my cheeks—letting the tip of the dildo hit my weak spots.

 

“Ohh.. shh….” I breathed, and bit my lip again, almost forgetting that I’m not allowed to say anything.

 

Tegan chuckled again—I can tell she’s really enjoying this now, as she always has in the past. “You’re doing a good job honey—but I will stop the moment you start talking.”

 

I nodded, pulling my head back from her grip—freeing her other hand.

 

“Now I’m gonna do this…”

_oh God._

_“…_ real slow, and real gentle”

 

_But you can get as rough as you want._

I exhaled, preparing myself as I position my hips towards Tegan, while I look back on her; but Tegan didn’t do exactly what I expected from her. Instead of driving the dildo towards me, she moved back, and lowered herself down.

 

My jaw dropped—my eyes widened as Tegan held on to my ass, spreading my lips with her thumb, and quickly dove onto my pussy.

 

My mind nearly exploded; I whimpered so helplessly that biting onto my own lip wouldn’t do me any justice. My arms are trembling as I try to keep me up in this position, my hands rolled into fists, grabbing on to what little steadiness my bed sheet has, to keep my from falling flat on the bed.

 

Tegan sucked on my lips, as her tongue traveled down to my clit, and her nose closing in on my hole—It was so good, too good, that Tegan grunted along with me, as if she was about to come by just eating me out. She moved her face side by side, up and down, leading her to almost lose her breath as I feel her mouth pause and gasp for air—I imagine her nose drenched in my juice and just not having the capacity to breathe down there.

 

Tegan fastened her pace, and I can feel her not breathing, as she push her mouth further on me—tongue fucking me this time. She was moving too quickly and I’m afraid this might send me to my first orgasm and she hasn’t even used the dildo on me yet—though I don’t mind having multiple orgasms; we have all day.

 

Having found me starting to lose my head, she chuckled, and slid her thumbs onto my lips, and as she stiffen her tongue inside me, she started massaging my clit—sending my whole body in tremors, weakening my arms, causing half my body to fall on the bed.

 

I breathed heavily, trying my hardest to keep my legs up and my head from just losing it from this act—I moaned, so loud, that I had to bite onto the pillow to muffle my screams, as Tegan tirelessly rubbed on my clit.

 

I flinched, and was just starting to feel tension on my thighs, but as my legs started closing in to lock my orgasm, Tegan paused.

 

_FUCK!_

“I hope you’re ready for this,” she said, as she quickly gathered herself up; I looked back, as I try to lift myself up again on my elbows.

 

_Here we go…_

Tegan positioned herself, and looked me in the eye as she carefully hold the dildo, sliding it easily over my lips; she saw my eyes widen, and wince from feeling the tip brush through my clit.

 

Tegan then gently squeezed the dildo inside, moving slowly as she promised—but I honestly just wanted her to start fucking me already. This is the first time we’re ever doing this, as scared as I am in getting fucked with a dildo, I would not have trusted anyone else but Tegan. I don’t know what it would feel like; _will it hurt?_ I’m drenched enough to take it in, I must say, as the head easily got in, but I’m a little worried I might end up too sore to function after this.

 

“Does that hurt?” Tegan asked, looking a little worried as I fell silent to the sensation.

 

 _You have no idea how good this feels;_ I wanted to scream.

 

I shook my head as I exhaled, wanting to just have Tegan push herself further.

 

“Very well...” Tegan smiled, and to my surprise, she pushed her hips towards me, and started to penetrate me; but that didn’t feel too overwhelming—I guess I was horny enough to fully receive it with ease.

 

Tegan held on to my hips, and pushed herself further in, filling every inch of space inside me; she then slowly pulled it away, but not far enough to remove it, and as soon as she got her groove on, Tegan began thrusting, deep and slow.

 

I feel like I’m going crazy. I knelt here feeling helpless, feeling limp from how good this all feels right now, my whole body sore and my cunt aching to be fucked so hard.

 

And it’s as if Tegan heard me say all of that out loud; she fastened her pace, I covered my mouth—with my other hand, confused, asking myself if I did say anything out loud, or maybe the sound of my drenched flesh against the dildo was loud enough to conceal my whispers—and in no time, I was heated up yet again—as if she picked me up from the trance she left me off.

 

She did not falter; Tegan continued fucking me, faster by the minute, yet I’m still getting wetter.

 

“Hey” tegan pushed her body against my back, grabbing me by the hair as her other hand stayed on my hip; “you’re _cheating—_ DON’T—cover—your—mouth.”

 

I complied.

 

But as I pull my arm away from my mouth, Tegan pushed me under her.

 

_Oh my god._

I will always prefer a rough sex over a romantic one—besides I will never get rough on a casual sex—I will only allow someone I could be romantic with to be _this_ rough on me.

 

I lied down, as Tegan presses her weight against my back, laboring my breath.

 

“Come for me Jo.” She said right at my ear, as her _dick_ plunge deep, violently in my pussy.

 

I felt like crying—not from pain, but from the fact we’re actually living one of the many sexual fantasies I had; and I didn’t have to beg. Much as it hurts getting her weight on me like this, or how she pulls my hair harder than the girls I’ve been on a brawl with, I still feel like I was being rewarded.

 

When I thought Tegan couldn’t get any more rough, she pulled my hair harder, and drove her dick faster—this time giving it a little bit of pleasurable friction—I will most likely not be able to sit for the next few days with this— but I’m not complaining.

 

“I said—Come—the fuck—for me!” Tegan shouted.

 

I then grabbed Tegan’s hand from my hair, and led her to my clit.

 

Tegan followed me, and groped my crotch, and wasted no time as she found my clit. She encircled me under her, squeezing my waist, making it hard for me to breathe—I feel like passing out by now—but instead of losing momentum, it actually helped me reach my rhythm.

 

_Fuck! you’re driving me crazy!_

 

I thought as I bit my lower lip, pausing my breath, and letting Tegan just do her thing.

 

Tegan didn’t have to ask, she knew by the way my body shook, and my hips lock it’s position under her, and the way I held my breath, that I’m finally reaching my climax—she hastened her drive, as my inside walls twitch, clutching on her dick so I feel the friction more—cause honestly I couldn’t stop wetting myself.

 

“I could get used to fuvking you like this” Tegan said, before her face reached mine and we share a kiss—all the while she kept thrusting on me.

 

I paused from the kiss, I couldn’t focus on kissing Tegan as I feel my nerve carry the heat up to my crotch.

 

“That’s right, you’ve been a good girl, now get you reward and come for me.” She said as she spoke on my open mouth, before licking my tongue.

 

I’m locked in—and in a second, I’ve hit it, I reached my orgasm, and finally I felt like I could curse on Tegan for being such damn good fucker. 

 

I whimpered, and finally released my worries of losing this game. “Oh fuck you Tegan!” I exclaimed, as Tegan continue to fuck me.

 

“God! just hearting my name on your lips makes me come!” She said, still rubbing on my clit.

 

I moaned some more, but the sex took a toll on my legs and I fell flat on the bed, Tegan’s dick still inside me, and her hands still cupping my mound as I squeeze my legs together, halting Tegan from fucking me, and slowly removing the dildo from inside me.

 

I swallowed, and started to feel overwhelmed by all this—unexpectedly, I felt my eyes well up.

 

Tegan removed herself from me, moving towards my side, as her arm spread out above my head.

 

“Come here.” Tegan offered her arms to me once again.

 

But I just lied there, breathing heavily, still twitching from the sex, as I savor in the soreness and the aftershock of my orgasm.

 

“are you… are you crying?!” Tegan asked as she saw a tear fall from my eye. She quickly moved close to me, caressing my head, and sweeping my hair, tidying it.

 

“Oh my god! did I hurt you?!” she asked, gently cupping my cheeks. “Shit! I am so so sorry! You should’ve said something—I—“

 

“Shh.” I cut her off. “I’m fine.”

 

Tegan sighed, and wiped my tears.

 

“Then why are you crying, babe?” she asked.

 

I pursed my lips, as I try to find the right words to say to her.

 

Tegan looked so worried—and for some reason, it’s turning me on.

 

I smiled at her, and I pushed myself up, turning, and lying on my back as I come closer to Tegan.

 

“I know I’ve said this when we had sex back in san Francisco, but…” I looked up at her from under her arms. “…that was by far the best sex I had.. in _years.”_

Tegan looked rather surprised; “and you… you cried… because of _that_?” she asked, confused, but smiling like a mad dog.

 

I nodded.

 

Tegan blushed, and I was now the one smiling like a deranged maniac, wanting to fuck her brains out.

 

“now it’s my turn.” I said, as I quickly move on top of Tegan, unfastening the strap on from her. “And I want you to come for me as hard as I did just now.” I said, pulling the straps off her, as she didn’t contest, and just allowed me to put the strap-on on myself.

 

“Oh shit, I didn’t—I—I didn’t plan to get fucked but what hell---“

 

I cut her off, kissing Tegan as I straddle her.

#


	35. Underwater

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're a silly love song, a verse chorus and such  
> Some silly love song, a verse chorus and such   
> I'm a car crash, but I have to get up  
> And every morning it's a cleanup.
> 
> All I need is time, time to love you.

By the time Tegan reached her orgasm, we were already so exhausted that cleaning ourselves up became a struggle; I almost fell asleep during the hot shower, and Tegan had to nap while waiting for her turn. It basically drained our bodies, but was well worth the fatigue.

 

Amazing would be an understatement to describe Tegan, and the thought of what we just did still makes me quiver; in a good way. If I didn’t know better, I’d think she practiced before last night. But then, I wouldn’t know if she had any sexual affairs before this, I knew she and Rebecca have been dating, and who knows maybe a few more girls were on her list, or is still seeing her.

 

I shook my head to the thought of Tegan fucking around with other girls, and decided to finally get up from bed, so as to avoid any unwelcome thoughts. I carefully removed Tegan’s arms off me to not wake her up; she was dumped under a pillow, and was lying on her belly—so I think she’s still deep in sleep.

 

I got up and picked my phone from the bedside table, checking for any messages, or missed calls; but all I got were social media notifications. It was silly of me to even think Sara would write me anything after yesterday, cause really, what Tegan and I had done last night, and earlier today, did take my mind off her, despite having this room be hers to begin with.

 

_Which reminds me…_

 

Emy still hasn’t called me back or responded to any of my messages—not even a business email. I’d want this to be last of my worries for now, cause honestly, I’d rather run away from this problem, if Sara wasn’t involved in the first place. If it were just me, the very _Joanne_ thing to do would be to just walk away. To hide again and to leave everyone behind— at least that worked for me the first time.

 

But _this_ is different.

 

For me to be called into trial like this, for them to need my help, there must be something awfully important they need to hear from me.

 

But for now, I’d like to relax and prepare myself for the blow of this trial; After all, I do have another day before flying to New York, and I’d rather spend it clearing my head—maybe not enough to remove my anxiety, but enough to reduce the worries.

 

So I got into proper clothes, and went to the living room to maybe start cleaning the mess Tegan and I made, and prepare some brunch before Tegan gets up. Now the thought of having to prepare her meals like this again, made me feel giddy; but I can’t help feeling a little silly from this, as I know this is not something I could look forward into doing again in the future. So what exactly is this I’m doing? Am I pretending that Tegan and I are together like a real couple? Or is this me actually _wanting_ us to have this kind of relationship? I don’t know.

 

I walked into the kitchen, having in mind that I could prepare the food first before sweeping up. I walked past the living room, but I paused. I looked back, and noticed that the living room wasn’t as messy as I last remembered. We did tidy the living room up before Angie arrived last night, but now it was _clean._ No glass marks on the coffee table, no crumbs from the toast I ate earlier last night before Tegan arrived, and the rugs were centered—plus the varnished wood floor was shiny—as if someone just polished it.

 

I frowned, turning back, thinking that Tegan couldn’t have possibly cleaned it _—Shit._

 

I turned, and looked towards the balcony, and there, my suspicions were answered.

 

_Veronica._

We did leave the bedroom door open last night, thinking no one’s going to barge in anyways,  but I have completely forgotten that Veronica had keys to our apartment. And how the hell could I have forgotten that we agreed for her to come every Wednesdays and Saturdays to clean with us? _Fuck._

I then walked towards the balcony and opened the glass door, approaching her.

 

“Hey..” I greeted, crossing my arms as I slowly join her on the outdoor couch.

 

“what are you doing out here?” I asked, seeing that she was just sitting there, staring out nowhere.

 

Veronica flinched; she glanced at me, looking a little worried.

 

She sighed, opened her mouth, ready to speak but she shook her head, as if brushing off the idea of talking to me.

 

“I—I’m sorry, I... didn’t mean to see…” Veronica sighed again and swallowed.

 

“see what, Veronica?” I asked her, looking her right in the eye; “see me and Tegan in bed?”

 

Veronica nodded, looking away.

 

“well…” I sighed, resting my back on the couch and looking into the living room to see if Tegan was up.

 

“I’m not hiding anything, but… yeah you weren’t supposed to see that. I should’ve closed the door.” I said.

 

Veronica shook her head. “I’m sorry… I didn’t need to see any of that, I should’ve waited out til you were up. But… I thought… I thought you and Sara are… still a _thing_? And Tegan’s dating that, Vegan girl?” she asked, looking all confused.

 

I licked my lips as I try to make it seem as innocent as possible, she is after all, still a fan and may not understand the gravity of the events and for her to know how _normal_ this is for us.

 

“Sara and I are… technically not _dating_ anymore. And Tegan on the other hand…well, she’s never single. You know that.”

 

Veronica turned to me, looking unsatisfied by my answer.

 

“yeah but… I… ugh. I hate to sound like _fan,_ but I “ship” you and Sara so much.” She said.

 

“Ship?” I asked, all confused “I’m sorry, what do you mean?”

 

“well it’s a term used if you think a pair is perfect fit for each other in a _relation-“ship”._ I’m sorry… I know I shouldn’t meddle but… oh man, I’m so heart broken right now” Veronica said, covering her eyes.

 

I tried hard not to chuckle, but I don’t think I’m putting this the right way; “Look, Veronica, I’ve been completely honest with you since you started with us; and I don’t want to have to hide my relationship with Tegan, we have, from the very start, messed around like this, on and off and in between our exes.”

 

Veronica then shook her head again, removing her palms off her face, still in disbelief. I’m sure she might think I’m this slut, screwing the sisters, one after the other. I know this is a shock to her, but it is what it is, there are just some things in life you can’t sugarcoat.

 

“I know Sara cheated first… but is this… is this some sort of revenge?” She asked.

 

_Good question._

I was shocked to hear this from her; Veronica has somehow become a friend to me, but her being an actual fan of the girls is making it hard for me to open up to her.

“I honestly don’t think this is me taking revenge on Sara. If it were, I should have gotten back with her, and _then_ screw her sister, that would hurt her so bad. But she and I are over, aren’t we?” 

 

“I know…” Veronica looked genuinely sad; “But don’t get me wrong Jo, I know what Sara did was wrong. I’m just… I feel like you two had a good thing going on.” She said, looking rather disappointed.

 

“I thought so too… but sometimes you get disappointed by the person you least expected.”

 

“yeah… It’s really unfortunate… I’m sorry.” She said

 

“Don’t be… what’s done is done and all we have to do is move on and accept that shit happens… anyway, you’ve heard the news from Angie, right?” I asked, changing the topic.

 

Veronica nodded; “yeah, she did tell me.” She exhaled heavily, I knew she needed the credits, but I’m not in the position to sign her paperwork much as I want to help her with her internship.

 

“what did Angie say about your credits?” I asked.

 

“she didn’t say much, she just told me to wait for further announcements.” She answered, gathering her phone and wallet from the couch.

 

“don’t worry I’ll let you know when I talk to Angie, I’ll ask if I can sign your certificate for you. How many more hours do you need?” I asked as Veronica and I stand to get inside the living room.

 

“32 more, I’m almost done, I can actually complete that in less than a week.” She said as I led her inside.

 

“okay, we’ll work something out.” I said, reassuring her.

 

“Thank you Jo. I’ll see you Saturday?” she said, getting ready to leave.

 

“Tegan and I may not be here then, we’ll be meeting Sara in New York on Thursday; so you don’t have to come here I guess, you can take the rest of the week off.”

 

“Oh okay… thanks… I’ll see you soon then.” She gave me a quick hug before leaving the apartment; and as soon as I closed the door back, I leaned against it and just sat on the floor.

 

_Fuck._

I sighed; feeling a little exhausted already and I haven’t even been up for long. All this fictitious positivity I’m fronting is draining my energy, and I don’t think I can handle being like this around people who’ll see me and Tegan; or if they ask about me and Sara.

 

I sat here for another minute, and forced a smile, but I just couldn’t do it. I feel disgusted having to fake this, this is not _me._ I tell it like it is and even though what I told Veronica was the truth, I still feel like I lied to myself.

 

_“...what’s done is done and all we have to do is move on and accept that shit happens.”_

I don’t move on. I get _even._ Maybe she was right; maybe I _was_ trying to get back at Sara—I just don’t know it yet—

 

“Jo??” I snapped out of it as if that voice calling my name felt like it just pulled me out a deep dark well.

 

I looked up, and saw Tegan walking up to me.

 

“Hey…” I greeted as I force another smile.

 

“what’s going on? What are you doing out here?” she asked as she joined me on the floor.

 

“I just… I just sent veronica off.”

 

Tegan’s eyes widened.

 

“wait… she _was_ here? Why was she here? Did she see us?” She asked, panicking.

 

“she did.” I said.

 

Tegan palmed her face and swept her hair back, sighing in annoyance rather than relief.

 

“Don’t worry I talked to her. She’s definitely not saying anything to anyone, she knows better than to tell the world.” I said. “we have scheduled house-keeping every Wednesdays and Saturdays, that’s why she’s here.”

 

“shit..” she said, shaking her head and giving off a defeated chuckle.

 

“let’s deal with it after we eat brunch, is that okay?” I asked, caressing Tegan’s bare legs.

 

“Brunch sounds good. Let’s go out, I know this private place in Silverlake.” Tegan said, sounding really enthusiastic all of a sudden; looks like I won’t have to deal with cooking anymore—better than having to worry about what to prepare for us, to be honest.

 

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 

Tegan and I went to this fancy restaurant in Silverlake, despite looking a little _too_ fancy for my taste; the ambiance is still very comforting. There also aren’t a lot of people which is good; the last thing we need is a crowded place where we can’t hear each other—or get uninvited attention from the public.

 

Luckily they serve food quick, and we survived brunch in no time, before heading to a private lounge at the back of the restaurant to get some drinks—which Tegan reserved yesterday, having planned everything out before she came last night.

 

Tegan felt the need to sit close, and hold hands, which was really unusual cause even though this place was a little private, she still isn’t the type to be _this_ close when not in bed; but as we were about to get a little frisky, our phones alerted at the same time.

 

“shit.” I said in surprise as we both jerk and move our hands away from eachother “I hate it when it does that, I get so nervous, it’s not even funny”

 

“tell me about it!” Tegan said with a shudder as we picked up our phones.

 

As expected it was an email from management, announcing a meeting at the WB headquarters at 5:30 today, weirdly enough, Sara and Emy were looped in on the communication email. Veronica wasn’t, but a note was attached requesting me to bring Veronica with us to discuss her internship. I then immediately called Veronica asking her to come and meet us at the lobby by 5:15 so we can all get access cards together.

 

“I wonder why Sara and Emy are looped in, this is weird.” Tegan asked; I shot her a look, _she read my mind._

 

“right?! I mean.. do you think they’ll be in a video conference or something?” I asked

 

“that’s possible! I mean, Emy’s been dealing with merch while you were busy shooting and editing, and doing the lay out for the book. Sara’s been writing her parts of the book too. I’m done with mine til this last Tuesday’s recording so…”

 

I frowned; thinking how Tegan could’ve squeezed that in, knowing she left the studio on the dot on Tuesday night, and even missed an important meeting.

 

“really now? How the heck did you finish that?” I asked, before taking a sip of my wine sampler.

 

“I was doing it in between my recording session. I mean I find it easier to write down my thoughts right away rather than what sara does, you know, doing it all at the end of the day” She answered, before sipping on her sample too.

 

"damn this tastes good!” Then proceeded to empty it.

 

“which one?!” I asked, putting down my glass and tried to see the mark on hers.

 

“I don’t think we have the same flavors..” tegan said, comparing the label on her glass versus mines.

 

“darn it.” I said, taking note of the label so I can order it next time.

 

“Well, I have an idea...” Tegan said, putting her glass down, freeing her hand.

 

“Oh no.. we’re not ordering another round we sti—“

 

Tegan cut me off, closing in on me, and gently kissed me; her tongue slinking up on mine so I could taste the wine on her mouth. How I didn’t realize that she meant kissing me and tasting her tongue instead of getting us another glass was her genius _idea,_ is beyond me. I should’ve known.

 

But I’m not complaining.

 

Not wanting to get a little carried away, now that I’m feeling the heat in me once again, I carefully pulled away, keeping Tegan’s hands where they are over my shirt.

 

“you’ve had more than enough this morning, let’s save some for tonight, eh?” I asked, holding her close even when our lips have parted.

 

I couldn’t get enough of her to be honest, but I’m not feeling comfortable doing this here;

 

“and look.. I.. I have something I need to tell you,  by the way.” I said, subtly holding her chest away from me as I try to shift the mood; feeling like I needed to get this off my chest first before I burst.

 

“so.. remember when we… were at the restroom, back at the studio?” I asked as we both settle on our seats on the bar couch.

 

“hm hmm..” Tegan nodded as she drink another glass from the sampler.

 

“so before you got in, I was on the phone with Emy, right?” Tegan nodded again.

 

“and I… I had to put it down cause I thought you were going to reprimand me or whatever…”

 

“right…” Tegan said with a chuckle, probably from recalling that short moment we made out in the ladies’ room.

 

“so…then, I kept the phone and when we went out, Angie caught me at the hallway, and we talked. She told me she was trying to reach Emy, but I told her I was on the phone with her earlier, but she tried dialing her up again in front of me and her line was still busy…”

 

Tegan’s eyes widened “oh no, I think I know where this is going.”

 

“well… I checked my phone, and…the call was still active. I tried speaking to her again but she wasn’t responding, and then the call ended.”

 

“shit.” Tegan said, looking around, trying to think.

 

I sighed; “I haven’t really spoken to her after that, I sent her a text message asking her to call me when she’s not busy but she still hasn’t responded or called me back.”

 

“okay…  it’s not like we did anything wrong... right?” Tegan asked, looking a little worried.

 

“yeah! Exactly, I mean I told her about how Sara literally left me without speaking to me, but I’m just worried that… well, I told her that I’m coming back only to finish the project, but there I was, making out with you at the studio. Let alone, plan a _reunion_ for the night? Surely she heard everything. I don’t want her to think that I’m using Sara’s wrong doing just so I have a reason to get back to you.”

 

Emy’s been our good friend, but her loyalty is unquestionably with Sara. It may have only taken me a few weeks to open up to Sara, and even consider a relationship with her, but that doesn’t mean that I was completely head over heels in love with her to the point of blindly taking her back after _cheating._ That speaks so much about what I feel towards Tegan, and if I were to weigh in everything Sara’s done for me, it should be nothing compared to the times Tegan wronged me—and I think I’m just being unfair at this point.

 

“just brush it off like nothing happened, if she notices you’re feeling guilty about it, it’ll definitely make you look bad. I suggest you don’t talk it out with her… yet.” Tegan said.

 

“Unless she asks me first, what will I tell her? That we’re _just_ hooking up, like the old days?” I asked.

 

Tegan exhaled, and swallowed, avoiding eye contact.

 

“Yeah she’d take that…but is that… is that what it is, for you?” she asked, not even looking back at me as she kept herself busy by pretending to map the wine glass.

 

Then she looked back at me, her lips pursed, and surveying my gestures.

 

I blinked, not knowing what to say to her.

 

“Honestly, I don’t know.” I said.

 

I held Tegan’s hand, and looked down on our grasp, trying to see how Tegan would react to my touch.

 

“I… I don’t know where this is going, and from the start of all this we didn’t even know what we had; it’s been years and years but we just couldn’t figure this out, maybe it _is_ us hooking up, but… for some reason it feels a whole lot different this time.” I said.

 

“it does, doesn’t it?” Tegan said, clutching on to my hand tighter.

 

Maybe it was the fact that Tegan isn’t exactly in a relationship, and that this time she sees me with someone who could actually remove her from the picture—well, not exactly, cause she can’t remove Sara from the equation—and this is her silver lining.

 

“I promised myself that if I’m given another chance to be with you again, I’ll make it a point to not hurt you anymore.” She added.

 

Her grabbing every opportunity and not wasting any minute of it sounds like a really sketchy move, in my opinion, and it scares me, cause it seems to be working.

 

“Even if that means hurting Sara?” I asked.

 

Tegan clenched her jaws, probably thinking of a good rebuttal. I know it hurts her to see Sara go through this, and honestly, I know that she will never risk Sara’s happiness over her own, even if that means hurting _me._

 

“That’s pretty hard to answer, especially that she both left us here without saying anything.” She said, as her mood shifted, sounding a little unyielding this time.

 

“but what confuses me is that, this past week while you were away, She just wasn’t at her best. She couldn’t even sing properly. She would drink on a work night, come to the studio late, leave her key cards, there was even a time when we saw her lying on the lounge floor just staring at the ceiling.. it was… we were frankly, so worried about her”

 

I just sat there trying to imagine how awful Sara might have felt. How her guilt consumed her like that; and yet I still didn’t even think she was sincerely sorry for what she did.

 

“Don’t blame yourself though… she did that to herself, but here she is, treating you like you don’t exist; pushing you away when you clearly came back—she can’t tell me that you weren’t willing to fix things, because last I remembered you came home _with_ her.” Tegan said, interrupting me from getting lost in my thoughts once again.

 

Maybe it’s the little selfish bitch in me that wanted Sara to feel miserably sorry for her mistakes that by the time she decided that she won’t take any bullshit of a cold shoulder from me anymore, here I am, begging for attention, and feeding my ego by getting on it again with Tegan? I hate to think of it like that, I know to myself that whatever it is that Tegan and I rekindled, it was because I wanted it too.

 

“what’s on your mind?” Tegan asked.

 

I flinched, as once again this silence tells her that I’m deep in my thoughts.

 

I shook my head; “nothing…” I said.

 

“Tell me... come on.” Tegan said, shaking away her stern attitude.

 

“I’m… I don’t know... I just, still couldn’t believe all this is happening.” I said, unable to put into words what I’m really feeling—disbelief is an understatement; damn it I feel like I’m living an alternate reality.

 

“That’s make the 2 of us.” Tegan said, cupping my cheek “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have said any of those things about Sara. We’ll talk about it, about us, when you’re ready. For now, just be _with_ me. Please?” Tegan said, almost pleading as her eyes well up in tears.

 

“I am, Tegan… I am.” I said, holding her hand on top of my cheek.

 

Tegan smiled; that one satisfying smirk I haven’t seen in a long time, alone left me lightheaded, this smile that tells me she is genuinely happy with me by her side this time was enough to ease my worries.

 

“damn it.” Tegan said, her smile fading as her tears took over.

 

“hey…” I said, holding her cheeks, as I wipe her tears; “why are you crying?” I said with a chuckle to lighten up her mood. “I should be crying, not _you”_

 

Tegan laughed from what I said, as she help me wipe her tears; “these are tears of joy, for your information.”

 

We shared a good laugh before I kissed her, holding her close, as I calm her shaking lips and the goosebumps surrounding her arms under her folded sleeves.

 

Admittedly, I am more flattered than surprised; Tegan was _never_ like this, from what I recall from years ago, and it’s as if the tables have turned. I remember being the one this nervous, I remember being the one who begs her to stay, the one who’s hurting, and the one who’s waiting for Tegan to finally come into terms with her feelings towards me.

 

But this scares me beyond just being left alone.

 

Maybe I’m afraid that I’ll hurt her the way she has hurt me in the past, but then again she knows for sure what she’s getting herself into. I was surprised that she doesn’t care what happens to us after this, and she was somewhat already satisfied by this undefined bond.

 

Surprisingly, I am too.

 

 

 


	36. NOT A CHAPTER

So, I will be rewriting this whole fic, to correct some inconsistencies and probably add a few things and delte some unnecessary narratives, as I'm close to completing this fic.

I hope to finish it by the end of next month.

so if anyone has questions about the plot that you want clarified, let me know so I can add it and if you do have suggestions about the future development of this fic then feel free to message me :)

also, I'm planning on creating a prequel to this, showcasing how Tegan and Jo met and what went down during the 6 years they fucked around (LOL), let me know if anyone's down for that :)

xx


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